Thursday, December 31, 2009

Cleaning The Kitchen - A Personal Journey

Each month at my company a different department is selected, chosen, ordered to go and clean the company kitchen.  It's not that time consuming and doesn't require a lot of work, but we all bitch and moan when it comes time for our department to do it because, well, if we're not complaining, we're not happy.

This year my department pulled December, which seemed super sweet in January 2009 but when December 23 hit and we realized that we still hadn't cleaned the fridge we did go into a bit of a panic.  See, it's the holidays and half of my department is out on personal vacations so we are super busy and had no idea when we would get a chance to do our duty.  (Though in all honesty, I don't know what would happen to us if we just "forgot" and let the January group do it.)

Last Monday we decided we had to go ahead and clean the kitchen, which means we have to clean the fridge, the four microwaves, and wipe down the counters.  In the 20 minutes of cleaning that followed, I complied a list of thoughts which I think will help you, my readers, understand what it is like to clean a kitchen in an office.

The Microwaves:
Holy hell.  Did you ever hear the urban legend about the old woman who dries her dog off in the microwave?  And you can just imagine what that would look like?  Well, this is what the microwaves look like at work.  It took me 10 minutes to scrub out ONE microwave.  It had all this baked on red sauce because I guess the only food people eat at lunch is of the Italian persuasion.

The Fridge:
I know that in this difficult economy that shopping in bulk saves money.  But what doesn't make sense to me is why you would then feel the need to bring in your institutional size container of yogurt, shredded cheese, etc. and keep it in the fridge that approximately 150 employees have to share.

Speaking of keeping vast quantities of food in a shared space, ladies (cause I know it's not the dudes in the office) what is the deal with the Lean Cuisines?  There are always STACKS of them in the freezer.  Let me tell you something, I have never know anyone who has lost weight eating those things.  Sure, I indulge from time to time when I don't feel like making lunch, but they are not good for you.  Have you ever checked the sodium levels on those things?  And aren't we supposed to be a somewhat green company?  Those little black trays, plastic wrap, and boxes can't be good for the environment....

The Counters:
I completely understand how gross the powdered non-dairy creamer is that the company provides up for the coffee, but it is what we have so we make do.  But there is no reason that if you spill some you can't grab a damp paper towel and wipe it up.  The counters when I got in to clean on Monday looked like the counters of a Columbian drug lord.  No one should be surprised when the DEA shows up because of the piles of powdery white stuff.

And lastly, The Rules:
When it is the day that the kitchen is going to be cleaned the department in charge sends out reminders to have your food out of the kitchen by 3:00PM.  Generally, 3 reminders are sent.  We do this because any food left in the fridge gets tossed.  We don't care if it's still good or in pricey Tupperware container.  It all goes in the trash.  So when 3:30 rolls around and we are done cleaning, please don't come to our desks asking where your can of Diet Coke is.  We threw it out, per the company cleaning rules*.  Sure, you can yell at us all you want, but we don't send out those reminders for us.  We were kinda angsty on Monday so pitching $20 worth of lunch meat and cheese that you decided to keep in the fridge brought a smile to our faces.

On a side note, at least we didn't find any alcohol this time around.  About 2 years ago we were cleaning the kitchen and found 6 cans of Old Style in a lunch bag.  So, like all other food, we pitched it.

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, I'll say it - I don't throw out unopened cans of pop or bottles of water.  I bring them back to my desk and thank the co-workers for keeping me hydrated.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Manic Monday: The Post Christmas Edition

So I guess everyone got a stocking full of crazy over the weekend because every single e-mail and phone call I received today left me scratching my head and saying "Huh?" or "What?" or "You can't be serious..."  Perhaps next year I should send everyone sedatives and Snuggies so everyone will be relaxed when I get to work and am not in the mood to actually do anything.

I would like to extend a special holiday greeting to the person who parks next to me at my condo building and cleaned off their Eclipse by throwing all of the snow on it onto my car.  I loved coming home this morning from my moms before heading off to work to find snow piled up past my tires.  Just to let you know:  Game On.  I have picked up your thrown gauntlet and accept your challenge.  My Jeep had now problem with the 2 feet of snow.  Let's see how your little 2 door crap car does when I stack all the snow from the next snowfall behind it.

I spent most of the past two days cooking appetizers for a party my mom had at her place yesterday, which means 2 things:
1 - I am exhausted beyond tired.
2 - I had the best lunch today made up of whatever was left over.  I felt like a homeless person outside a catering company.

My mom did bring a smile to my face today when she called and asked if I was taking my own advice and sleeping under my desk.  I told her no, because I didn't have my wearable sleeping bag and they still haven't cleaned up the Cheetohs I spilled on the floor last week.

It's December in Chicago which means most days are grey and cold, which would have been perfect today because it suited my mood.  But no, I have to be a crabby hot mess on the one sunny day we have had in weeks.  People kept oohing and aahhing over how sunny and bright it was outside.  If my sunglasses had been the same prescription as my reading glasses I would have been wearing them as I worked.

Today my department had to clean the kitchen, but that is such a fascinating tale that I am going to devote tomorrow's entire post to it.  Some things are just too important for a Manic Monday (even if they occurred on a Manic Monday and made it even more Manic than usual.)

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Christmas Blog Post - On December 26th

Merry Christmas Asleep Under My Desk readers! 

Yeah, I know it's tradition to wish people a Merry Christmas before the holiday occurs, but who the hell has time yesterday to sit down and write a well thought out and festive message to post for al the world to read?

Well, I did.

Chirstmas Eve is a crazy day for me with family and travel, but Christmas Day itself is pretty chillax.  I woke up around 9:30 a.m., got myself a cup of coffee and sat down to open presents with my mom and the two hell hounds that protect her house.  Coolest presents?  An ebelskiver pan and a Santoku knife.  Yeah, it's all about the kitchen gadgets for me.  I did also get a new vacuum but I got that back in November because I was a good girl so Santa stopped off a little early.

Then we had a nice French Toast breakfast and headed out to see "Sherlock Holmes".  We didn't think the 1:15 p.m. show would be crowded, but boy were we wrong.  EVERYONE decided to go and see the movie.  What ever happened to staying home and celebrating the birth of Christ the way the Lord intended?

Anywho, I came home, cooked dinner, and drank too much wine so that by the time I usually sit down to post I was too, well, tipsy to type, and hence the no post on Christmas.

So my holiday greeting may be a day late, but that doesn't mean I don't wish the best to you and yours this holiday season.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Secret Santa Can Suck It Year Deux!

So every year (and by *every* I mean the last two) Bee over at Bee's Musings haas hosted a blogger Secret Santa.  This is my first year participating and I drew Jean Knee from Put Some Polka Dots On It.  Now I knew nothing of this blog before it was assigned to me, and it is always really difficult to get a gift for someone you don't know.  

So, in the fine honor of Secret Santas, I have decided to give Jean something I would like to have:

An Eskimo?

No silly, it's a wearable sleeping bag!  How perfect is an article of clothing that you can wear and pass out in?  No more drinking too much and waking up in a cold alley.  Or lying on the hard sidewalk waiting for Best Buy to open on Black Friday so you can buy a $12 laptop.  Or, lying on the nasty carpet under your desk when you are too tired to drive home after putting in hours of overtime....

So enjoy Jean, and be warm and comfortable no matter where you are.

~ The Office Scribe

Want to see the mind numbingly awesome gift I received?  Head over the A Vapid Blonde to see possibly the best virtual Christmas present I have ever found under the tree.  (Though the chance of these nifty gifties fitting under my tree are slim to no way in hell)

Monday, December 21, 2009

Manic Monday: The Holy Hell Edition

Now normally, in a Manic Monday post, I come up with a series of revelations that I had throughout the day and write them for you to read in a vivid rainbow of colors.

That.  Ain't.  Happening.  Today.

You would think that the week before a major holiday things would be slow.  And you would be wrong.  I actually worked an hour and a half of overtime today because I have way too many things going on.

So no fun colors.

No witty sayings.

No off color jokes.

Perhaps if I survive this week and Christmas, I'll be more scribe-like next Monday.

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. Though on a unrelated note I did hit Best Buy on my lunch break (I had to flee the office while I had the chance) and picked up a nice little GPS unit for Christmas.  Yeah, I know, sweet.  Especially since it was for me from my Grams, who is the coolest lady in the world.  Jealous?  I though so.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Answers To Reader Submitted FAQ's - Round One

Well gentle readers, you asked and here are my answers.

Travis asked, "How many bites can you eat an 89 cent chicken burrito from Taco Bell in?"

Because I am committed to this blog and my readers, I actually went to a Taco Bell and bought an 89 cent chicken burrito.  And I did this sober.  Taco Bell and White Castle are two places I never purchase food from without any alcohol in me.  So you should be really impressed.

And the answer is 4.

Ed Adams asked a series of questions, such as, "What exactly is under your desk?  A pillow and blanket?  A cot?  Just hard linoleum?  Some rough indoor/outdoor office carpet?"

Good questions!  There is nothing comfortable under my desk.  I did not pimp it out or anything because, sadly, I think if I tried to sleep under there someone would notice.  But that doesn't mean there isn't anything under the desk.  Aside from a garbage can and recycling bin, there is a large empty popcorn tin, another garbage can turned over that I prop my feet up on, and a pair of moose hide moccasins I wear in the winter when I change out of my snow boots.

Oooh, and Ed had another question.  "How long does it take you to fall asleep?"

My father used to say my grandfather fell asleep before he even got his second shoe off at night.  My father was the same way.  Genetics would have you think I am similar to both of them, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  It can take me anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours to fall asleep at night.  When I was a kid, my parents would send me to bed but since I wouldn't sleep I would just pretend my bed was the wagon from Oregon Trail and my stuffed animals were passengers.  So yeah, I have been making stuff up since I was really little.

Paul Blanchard asked, "If a seven-foot cockroach asks me the way to Ipswich, should I tell him?"

If you run into a giant talking cockroach and aren't in a scene from the movie "Beetlejuice" you tell that SOB anything he wants to know.

Anonymous asks, "What is your favorite beverage on trivia night?"

Easiest question asked thus far.  I am partial to Black and Tans, which, for those of you who don't know,  is half Guinness and half Harp (or Bass, depending on the bar).  It is delicious and makes for a tasty beverage.

GS had the most questions to ask which means they are stalking me.  Question #1 was "Salad dressing on the side or in the salad?  Or no salad at all?

I love salads, though I am of the belief that the best ones are made by other people.  So I always eat a salad when I have the chance.  And I also like salad dressing ON the salad.  I think people who get the dressing on the side are trying to trick themselves into believing it is healthier, which as we all know, is a crock.

Question #2 "Deserted island items.  Pick 5, no food or beverages"

1) My Eddie Bauer edition Swiss Army Knife
2) A featherbed
3) The two directors chairs I got for my college graduation which read "Novelist" and "Screenwriter"
4) Case of Leinie's Red
5) My Darth Maul double-sided light saber which I carried everyday junior year of high school

Question #3 - A series of favorites

Movie:  I can't pick one.  But some of my favorites are The Shawshank Redemption, A Christmas Story, Silence of the Lambs, Ghostbusters, Twister, Die Hard, and a variety of others.  NetFlix is my friend.

Singer/Group:  The Who.  My mom made me watch Tommy when I was 4 and I have been a fan ever since.  And really screwed up.  Who shows that movie to a 4 year old???

Song: I am partial to "Where is My Mind" by The Pixies, "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight, and "Don't Stop Belivin'" by Journey

Book:  Devil in the White City by Erik Larson

And finally, Wes asked, "What do working in an office and being a butcher have in common?"

The both have coffee pots.

This was fun.  I'll make sure we do this again sometime!

~ The Office Scribe

The Results Are In" The Co Worker Christmas Present Poll

This weeks poll asked you readers if you purchase Christmas/Holiday presents for your co-workers.  And here are the results:

Yes : 6 Votes
No: 9 Votes

Aww, really to the 9 people who said "no"?  There's not one employee at your place of work that you feel deserves a little love in the shape a of Starbucks gift card or a Motivational Poster for Christmas?

I only plan on buying a present for one co-worker (I'll bake for the rest of them).  Which makes me think, what do you guys buy your co-workers if you are getting them a present?  I am looking for ideas.

~ The Office Scribe

I'll get a new poll and sit down and answer the FAQ's people have left me when I get home from seeing A Christmas Carol (stage production, not the movie) which means you have like 8 hours to get any last minute questions in.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

F.A.Q.'s - Not Just There To Fill Blank Space

Go to practically any website nowadays and you'll find a list of Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q), which, for those of you who do not know, is a list of common questions asked about the content or product of the website.  It is the first place you should turn if you have a question.

Apparently people don't know about this rule though.

Which I fielded a boatload of dumb questions via phone at work today.

So, in order to prevent that on this blog, I am looking for questions.  Questions about me, this blog, or anything you have ever wanted to know the answer to.  I'll then compile the questions, answer them, and publish my own F.A.Q.'s.

Let the questioning begin!

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Ahh, the immortal lyrics as posed by The Clash.

Also the question most office employees find themselves asking when they start to see snow fall which will most likely effect their evening commute.

Most people seem to be in the "I should leave early" camp.  They see the snow start to fall and begin to ponder the ways that they might get out of work early.  Sometimes it is a legitimate reason, like they live far away or need to be home in time for something important.  Other times the reasons are a little bit suspect, such as that they need to get home because their Tivo isn't working.  And sometimes, they are just honest, saying they want to leave early.

Personally, I am of the other school of thought.  I believe that snowy commute is better if you just stay at work later.  Today, for example, I stayed at work until 6:20 PM and it took me about 25 minutes to get home.  Sometimes on a nice spring day it takes me longer to get home than that.  Sure, the roads were slushy and I couldn't go faster than 35 mph, but hell, there were fewer cars on the road and it was great.

Of course, it also helps that I drive a Jeep Liberty with 4 wheel drive that would allow me to drive over Everest if I wanted to.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, December 7, 2009

Manic Monday - Good Friday Edition

Whoa.  Wait?  What?  Did I read that right?  Good Friday Edition?  Did I just wake up from a Rip Van Winkle-esque nap and find that I missed Christmas and skipped straight to Easter?

Nope.  You did in fact, read the title of this post correctly.  And no, you didn't fall asleep.  Today, even though it is Decemeber 7, is my Good Friday.  How is that possible?  Well, at the company I work for if you work Good Friday, you get what is refered to as a Comped Holiday for you to use anyother time of the year.  And seeing as how I worked Good Friday and was out of vacation days, I took today as a comped holiday in order to help my mom decorate her house for Christmas. (I know, I am an awesome daughter.  You should all be lucky to have children as cool as me.)

So today's Manic Monday is about the thoughts I had while I wasn't in the office but here, decoratig my mom's house and being awesome.

Christmas trees are beautiful.  My Christmas tree is beyond beautiful.  It takes 3 days to put up, stands at over 11 feet tall, and is covered in tinsel.  And you know the only thing that makes it even more amazing?  Three glasses of Pinot.  Who needs acid when you have moderately priced wine and holiday decorations.

Whenever I have the day off work and think "sweet!  I can watch TV all day" I am reminded that I should be happy that I am emplyed because there is absolutely nothing to watch on TV during the day.  Except for soap operas (which, let's face it, my IQ is too high for) and ads for Snuggies (which I will never buy but would happily accept as a Christmas present).

Speaking of TV, the thing I watched the most of today was local, Northern Illinois news.  Apprently, snow is coming.  This isn't a surprise seeing as it is December, but the way they are talking about it you would think we were about the endure a real life recreation of the movie "The Day After Tomorrow".  Which would be cool because of Dennis Quaid but would bite because there aren't enough copies of "Twilight" in the world for me to stay warm long enough for help to come and get me.

Everything I put into a microwave usually dries out, with the exception of french fries.  I put those puppies in and BAM!  They are a hot, soggy mess.  Someone could make millions if they find a solution to this problem.

If I wake up tomorrow and my car doesn't start, it isn't because of the weather, but because my mom was awesome enough to let me park it in the garage since I have a 1.5 hour commute into work tomorrow.  My car isn't parked in a garage, well, ever.  I feel like the shock alone may cause it to cease running.  Like dumping a bass you caught into a nice aquarium.  Ain't going to last long.

Last night I died my hair a shade called "Espresso".  And while it is basically my natural hair color I wonder if people will notice tomorrow at work.  (Aside from those I work with who read this blog...)

Back to the grind.

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Results Are In: First Official Contest and Weekly Poll!

Oh yes people, two exciting results to two exciting events.  And I know I promised to post these yesterday, especially the contest winners, but I didn't get out of work until 6:15 PM even though I was only supposed to be there until 5:30 PM, I had to drive an hour and a half to my moms house, only to get there and have to take the 10 foot tree off the top of the Tahoe and put it in the tree stand in the great room.

So okay, I was a little tired yesterday, sue me*.

First off, the results of last weeks poll:  What does Thanksgiving mean to you?

Turkey - 5 Votes
Giving Thanks - 3 Votes
Football - 0 Votes (I guess no Lions fans read this blog.  Or there aren't Lions fans anymore.
Waking up at 2am for Black Friday sales - 2 Votes

Nothing surprising there.  I will post a new and even more exciting poll the moment I am done with this post...

And now, to announce the winner of the First Ever Official The Office Scribe Contest...

With a guess of 21 e-mails, HOLLY!!!  Congrats Holly, you were the closest.  Turns out, I only received 24 e-mails over those 4 days, which was a bit of a shock to me.  I would have sworn it would have been around the 125 mark.

For winning you will be receiving the fabulous prize pack, which contains the following items:
- Crunchy Cheetohs
- Burt's Bee's Pomegrante Lip Balm
- Black Pen
- Enough change for a Diet Dr. Pepper
- Orbit Gum
- Nail File
And other items which can be found in my desk, therefore making me able to do my job!

Just let me know where you want to prize pack shipped to and after allowing 2-4 weeks for delivery, you can feel a little closer to knowing what it is like to sit in my cubicle!

~ The Office Scribe

* Please note, if you decide to sue me the only items you will get are a giant fan plant, iPod mini that no longer works, and the laundry I was supposed to do.  So yeah, not really worth it.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Being Of Two Minds

About this time each year (give or take a few weeks, this is Chicago after all) the first snowfall occurs and can have one of two effects on people in the workplace:

1) Aww, look outside!  It's snowing!  How lovely.  I hope some of it sticks around and covers up the ugly, dead grass.  Maybe when I get home from work I'll make a cup of hot chocolate and get busy writing my Christmas cards.

2) Holy hell!  Is that SNOW outside? Did anyone watch the news?  How much are we supposed to get?  If it takes me one second longer to get home tonight because of assholes who don't remember how to drive in the snow I'm going to cut a bitch.  And don't expect me to be in tomorrow.  The commute is always worse in the morning.

I like to see which one of these two categories people I work with fall into by casually approaching their cubicles and saying "Well look at that.  It's snowing."

By far my favorite reactions are from those who fall into the second category.  Reactions I received today include:
- Jumping up like a jackrabbit to see if I am lying, then scowling
- Wrinkling of ones nose.
- Numerous questions regarding flake size
- Groans, grunts, and other assorted noises of disaproval
- And one person wondering if the office might be closed tomorrow due to the snow.

The last reaction was priceless on so many levels.  In my three years at the company I have never known of the office to close for anything than a major holiday.  Secondly, it was about 45 degrees yesterday.  The day before that it was about 50.  This past weekend was so warm that I put up outside Christmas decorations in a t-shirt.  Which means that he few flakes that were falling melted the second they hit the warm ground.

Just think - this is just the start of winter.  I have 3-4 months of this to put up with...

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Screw The Coffee - COME BACK JIM THOME!!!

I got to work this morning and went and got a cup of coffee as usual.  But when I arrived at the coffee pot there was about 2 ounces sitting in there, slowly evaporating.  I grumbled and started a fresh pot, already crafting the blog post about people not starting a new pot once they finish (or almost finish) the old one.  I got back to my desk, the words flowing so fast I was afraid I wouldn't remember them.  I was about the sit down and jot some choice notes down when I realized it was December 1 and I hadn't flipped the page on my White Sox calendar.

So I did.

And all thoughts of posting about anything work related went right out the window in one giant sob.  For here is the image that graces the month of December on my White Sox calendar:

For those of you who don't follow baseball or are new to this blog, Jim Thome was an amazing part of the Chicago White Sox.  In fact, he was my favorite player.  I was in such awe that my grandmother bought me an official jersey at a game one night.  I saw the man hit his 500th career home run on Jim Thome bobble head night.  And I cried.  And then, the White Sox organization ripped my heart out by trading him away.

I thought I had come to grips with him being gone.  I was getting to the point where I no longer collapsed when I looked at the jersey hanging in my closet (next to the Urlacher one, another piece of clothing not getting much wear this season for reasons obvious to anyone who follows the Bears).  Sitting at my desk I was no longer distracted by the Bobble Head who I knew no longer resembled the man I adored.

But the world had to keep spinning, bringing us to the month of December and a 31 day reminder of what I miss most about baseball.

Damn you Kenny Williams and Father Time.  I hope you both shit in your bed tonight*.

~ The Office Scribe

* Again, for those of you new to the blog, this was one of my dad's favorite sayings.  And I cherish it.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Manic Monday #18

E-mail tip:  If you receive an e-mail as part of a blast e-mail with many recipients asking if anyone has seen a set of forms please don't feel compelled to reply if you haven't seen them.  Chances are if I don't hear from you I will assume you don't have them.  Unless you are being a prick but then if that is the case we have some bigger fish to fry.

Who was the first person who decided to slice almonds?  And how many fingers was he left with after this endeavor?

The great thing about coming back from any sort of holiday or extended break is that it provides you with a built in topic of conversation for you and your co-workers.  Instead of the usual Monday morning grumblings we chatted about brined turkeys, crazy relatives, and Black Friday shopping.  Perhaps this is an excellent argument for more paid time off:  better inter-department communication.

I got the Cheetoh munchies at work today.  Some people crave chocolate.  Others liquor.  For me, it's crunchy Cheetohs.  Thank god the vending machine stocks them in both A3 and A7 so the chance of me not being able to get one are slim.  Which is a good thing for my sanity and the safety of my co-workers.

Did you know I am running a little contest?  Because I am.  Read yesterdays post for all details.  And yes, there is a fabulous prize.  And no, I am not sure what it is yet.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The First Official "Asleep Under My Desk" Contest!!!

There are a lot of bloggers that do contests as a way to promote their blogs.  And since I am such a lemming I decided it was about time I followed their lead and did my own contest.

So, I present:

The First Official* "Asleep Under My Desk" Contest!!!

Here is the deal:  I return to work tomorrow after not being there for four days because of Thanksgiving.  And I always hate to come back after time off for one reason: e-mails.  I hate having to go through all the e-mails that I received while I was away.  So in order to make this task a little more interesting, I want my readers to guess as to how many e-mails I will have waiting for me upon my return.

So guess the number of e-mails that will be waiting for me and post your answer in the comment section for all to see.  On Friday I will see who was the closest** to the number I received from when I left work on Wednesday, November 25 at 4:30 PM until I clock in at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow, Monday, November 30.  That person will win a fabulous prize pack of items which I keep close at hand to help survive my life in the office.

Any questions, contact me at

Good luck, and god speed.

~ The Office Scribe

*Okay, I don't know of any unofficial contests that are out there using my name but I haven't looked at the entire Internet so who knows.

**  Closest means "closest without going over".  Yes, I am using The Price Is Right rules, so the last person may want to guess 1.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

And Then There Were None

Something eerie has been happening at my office building the past few days.  For those of you who don't know, probably because keeping track of the hours I work isn't a priority in your life as of late, I work the 10-6 shift at work on Mondays and Tuesdays.  This is done because I don't like to wake up too early after the wild and wacky antics that my weekends consist of.  Or because I sometimes head to my mom's house and the 2 hours it takes me to get to work them cuts into the day a bit.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, the eeriness.  

So I pull into work yesterday, at about, oh, 9:57 (I like to cut things close) and notice that there are about half the number of cars on the top deck of the parking structure than usual.  But I don't give it much thought, since I have 3 minutes to park, dash up to my office, turn my computer on, wait 7 minutes for it to boot up, and then clock in.

But today, I noticed when I got to work at 9:52 (I always do slightly better on Tuesdays) that there were half the number of cars than there were on Monday.  So now, the parking deck is down by 25% and I am starting to think the worst has happened.  Perhaps a massive layoff of one of the companies in my building.  Or they did that creepy thing where they just close up in the middle of the night, never to return.  Or there was a memo about taking the day off and going to the zoo and I was too out of it with a case of the Mondays to have read that e-mail.

Sadly, none of these were the cause of me getting amazing parking spots the past two days.  It turns out there is some holiday approaching that people celebrate by taking time off work, even though it has nothing to do with religion, patriotism, or a dead celebrity.

Really people?  It doesn't take that long to cook a turkey.  I know.  Before I was a cubicle monkey I was a butcher, remember.  I have a vast knowledge on how long it takes to cook dead animals.

So do me a favor, and be a productive member society. Though the parking situation is nice...

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, November 16, 2009

Manic Monday #17

Got to work this morning and completely forgot I had switched hours with another colleague.  Instead of working the 9-5 shift I showed up at 10 as usual.  I should not be held responsible for remembering anything on Monday mornings.  My boss should be happy I actually remembered to change out of my pajama pants.

Yesterday I went and saw "The Addams Family" musical which is playing in Chicago before it heads to the Big Apple.  Anyway, Nathan Lane plays Gomez Addams.  On the way home from the show my mom and I were discussing his career.  Since then, I have had "Hakuna Matata" stuck in my head.  (BTW - The show was amazing and the sets stellar!  Yes, I admit it.  I am a theater nerd.)

Someone asked me why I was clutching a strand of rosary beads the other day.  Perhaps it was because I was having a bad day.  Or because I thought the power of prayer may fix things, like the copier that hates me.  Or perhaps it was just the strand of green Mardis Gras beads I play with at my desk because I have the attention span of a cat.

Today we not only had one WORD OF THE DAY we had TWO WORDS OF THE DAY.  Word number one was PHARONIC as in, pertaining to the Pharoahs.  Number two was PROSELYTIZE as in, converting someone to your faith.  Both were used in the same e-mail.  Don't you wish you had a swanky vocab like the people in my office?

The phone system does this thing where it logs you off after two hours of inactivity (something about rebooting or whatever.  IT told me why but I didn't understand)  A good measure of how busy or how slow a day is, is by measuring how often your phone logs you off.  I am pretty sure I would have won some sort of record today if it hadn't been for my mom calling me to talk about prisoners at Gitmo and religious cults.  Yeah, we have awesome conversations.  I promise to write a post about the cult conversation because it was deep, insightful, and made me laugh so hard I almost peed at my desk.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Office Scribe's Take On The Heathcare Crisis

I generally like to stay away from politics when it comes to this blog.  I mean, if I wanted to chat about my political ideals I would have started a blog called "Robbing the tax payers blind and doing blow off my desk".  (I'm from Chicago, remember?)  But I suddenly found my happy little cubicle world invaded by the healthcare crisis and I felt the need to address it here.

One could imagine that if we start having the government run healthcare, we might have problems getting in to see doctors.  And when people have a problem that they can't get someone to solve for them, they do the next best thing:  turn to the Internet.

This is what happened at work today.  A co-worker of mine asked if I would look up the symptoms of a peptic ulcer.  So, being the awesome co-worker that I am, I did.  No, I didn't turn to WebMD.  That is a scary, scary website which makes me think I have cancer or a third arm every time I visit it.  So I visited the website which has the answer to everything.

So I looked up peptic ulcers and read through the symptoms, which as it turns out, contain such charmers as "vomiting blood" and "tar-like stool".

I really don't think my co-worker has an ulcer.

Which I told him.  And I added that the next time he thinks he might have something that needs medical attention he should contact a doctor and not a co-worker with a BA in Creative Writing with access to the Internet.

Here's the the future.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, November 9, 2009

Manic Monday #16

You know how I know I have awesome colleagues?  Because I came into work today to a package of Lebanese flatbread on my desk from a co-worker who knows how much I love flatbread.  Attention to insignificant details shows that you care.

Due to the unseasonably warm weather in Chicago I feel like I am going through the early stages of menopause.  It's about 65 degrees outside and about 165 degrees inside my office.  I turned the heat off in my apartment - why can't they do the same in the office?  The only way I am able to combat the hot flashes it to drink gallons of ice water, which means I will be rather unproductive today since I will be sprinting to the bathroom every 30 minutes.

My mind was plagues by the heaviest of thoughts today.  No, it wasn't about the economy.  Nor was it about the healthcare situation.  Or about the fact that Sammy Sosa is now white.  All I could think about was going home and going straight to bed.  I have been housesitting for about 5 nights now and every night I was sleeping in what may possibly be the most uncomfortable bed in the world.  Like a slab of concrete wrapped in steel beams.  But my bed - oh my sweet, sweet bed.  A pillow top mattress with a feather bed, down comforter, and a lot of pillows.  Oh how sweet it will be to go to sleep tonight.  I know, you are jealous.  It's okay.  I'll allow it.

Did you know it is damn near impossible to pop the bubbles inside of a FedEx Express package?  Because it's really difficult.  I was shipping something today and I tried to pop one.  No dice.  I asked the co-worker who brought me the flatbread if she ever tried.  She admitted she had, but never could pop one.  Game on.  It took some severe testing and several techniques, but I finally managed to pop one.  The technique that worked - the Classic Twist - like wringing out a wet towel.  

My nails looked awesome today.  In honor of the anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down I painted them with OPI color An Affair in Red Square.  Granted, a better homage may have been to take down one of my cubicle walls "Office Space" style, but I think management would have frowned upon that.

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Life Of A Single, Working Mother

So I have been super, mega busy lately. Between work, friends, competitive trivia, and my new 16 year old son, time is something I don't have a lot of.

Wait, did I say 16 year old son?

Yeah, I did.

I know what you're thinking: Office Scribe, how come you never mentioned your teenage son before? Did you do it to protect him for the dark life of a blogger? And wait, aren't you like 27 which means you would have been 11 when you had him, making a plot line like something out of a movie that Oprah Winfrey would have produced?

Okay, so maybe he isn't my son. Maybe he is my cousin and I am house sitting for my aunt and uncle and he is there. But since he is so close to being a fully functioning person, I don't really have to do anything. Except have a general sense of where he is at all times.

So at work the other day, I realized that I had no clue where he was, so I tried calling his cell.

No answer.

I tried again a few hours later.

Again, no answer.

Luckily one of my other relatives knew where he was so I didn't have to enter full fledged panic mode. But I guess I showed enough maternal instinct that some of my co-workers started to refer to me as "mom" on Friday. And that's when I realized I would suck at being a working mom. I would never get anything done because I would constantly be wondering "I wonder what my child is up to? And are they having fun while I am making money for them to spend on Wii games?"

Yeah, I would be a horrible, jealous mom.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 26, 2009

Manic Monday #15

It's always nice when someone brings bagels in on Monday.  It's nicer when those bagels are from Panera.  It's even nicer when the person gets the type of bagel I like:  The Everything Bagel.  Or as I like to call it, the agony and the ecstasy bagel.  For those who aren't familiar with the Everything it is a plain bagel topped with sesame seeds, poppy seeds, and, the key ingredient, onion.  The onion is what makes this bagel uberdelicious and produces the fetid breath that only copious amounts of strong coffee can cover.

One of my coworkers saw the "shark attacking a helicopter" photo today.  You know, this one:

So to be fair, I sent him this picture, so he could see that shark's side of the events that occurred that day:

I was accused of putting a rubber rat in someones cubicle today.  I was a bit shocked.  I thought my coworkers knew me better than that.  I would never stoop to anything so juvenile.  If I were going to put a rat in your cubicle it would be alive, you know, to keep things interesting.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, October 22, 2009

8 Glasses A Day = 200 Trips To The Bathroom

I have been coughing for about, oh, three weeks now and I am pretty sure it is slowly driving me mad.  By my calculations I will be posting about which cat food I prefer to eat with my headless doll collection while watching MTV2 in two more weeks.

So my constant hacking got me thinking: Maybe I should be taking better care of myself.  Perhaps I should not be as big of a slacker as I have been and move about more and eat better.

And maybe I should drink more water.

Now I really like water.  I mean, I actually like the taste of water and probably drink more than the average person.  Or at least I used to.  It seems that in the past few months I haven't been consuming as much H2O as I used to.  So I assumed that this is the reason I haven't been preforming as well.  I mean, it can't be stress from work making me ill and cough so much I am afraid my right eyeball will pop out of my head and explode on my monitor....

I decided to start using my Penguin Water Cooler again and drink 8 glasses of water a day, keeping me hydrated, improving my skin tone, and detoxifying my body from all the Black and Tans I drink at Pub Trivia on Tuesdays.

Problem is, I am now going to the bathroom approximately 400 times more than I did before.  (Wait, is that possible?  Whatever, I have a degree in writing, not in math.)  Anyway, I am going to the bathroom like 3-4 times a day which is starting to wear on me.

I wonder what else I can do to make me feel better that will possibly not take me away from my desk as often as it does.

I'll think about this more after I take the Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes out of the oven.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sick Day Miranda Rights

As I sit down to right this blog post, which I came up with earlier in the day, it makes me giggle because of the phone call I just received.  I would go into more detail, but chances are, I would get yelled at for disclosing such sensetive information

So where was I, oh yeah, Sick Day Miranda Rights.  I stopped by a co-workers desk and saw that she wasn't there.  When I asked someone else where she was I was told "I don't know, out sick I think".

Which lead me to think that if you don't tell people why you are out sick, then we should have the  right to come to our own conclusions.  I mean, sure, you may be at home with a headache, but I would rather imagine that you came down with a severe case of cooties or are possibly carrying Rosemary's Baby.

Okay, I meant to put more thought into this post but seriously, it is 12:50 AM, I just got home from Pub Trivia (third place but won two Bulls tickets) and after that phone call I mentioned earlier, I just can't focus anymore.

Sorry, but this is what you are getting.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 12, 2009

Manic Monday - Columbus Day Edition

While listening to the radio this morning the announcer said that traffic was light due to so many people taking Columbus Day off.  Um, I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who took Columbus Day off.  You know the real reason the roads were clear?  Soccer moms who can't drive because they are gabbing on their cell phones but still insist on driving their "precious cargo" to school weren't on the roads.  Said "precious cargo" that should be taking the bus to school but don't because their parents are wimps.  Believe me, riding the bus builds character.  The kind of character that will save you from getting shanked in the prison yard one day.

In honor of Columbus Day I had an authentic meal.  Of tacos.  Because, um, tacos are from Latin America which is where Columbus first landed, spreading disease and plague that make Swine Flu look like a case of the sniffles.  (Is it too soon to joke about conquistador germ warfare? No?  I didn't think so.)

A good way to celebrate Columbus Day is to have a movie-marathon of Columbus movies, such as:
- Adventures in Babysitting
- Home Alone
- Mrs. Doubtfire
- The Goonies
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
- Gremlins
Wait.  What do you mean that's the wrong Christopher Columbus?  School kids don't get a day off a year for the writer/director/producer?  Damnit!

It always makes me mad because there is really nothing left to find in the world.  Man has practically been everywhere.  But that doesn't mean we can't "discover" stuff about day to day life, such as:

- There is no such word as oldery, no matter how many times you use it in a sentence

- Pheromones are released when people add chocolate to my candy dish which makes the herds come a-runnin'

- Low odor dry erase markers still pack enough punch to make me woozy after lunch.

Happy Columbus Day Y'All!

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, October 9, 2009

Fridays AKA Just Another Day Out Of The Office

Most people commonly work a 5 day work week.


But it seems that lately I haven't exactly been following this common pattern. Sure, I get paid to work 5 days a week, but that just really hasn't been happening lately. So what am I doing while everyone else is celebrating Casual Friday?

Friday, September 18 - Garage Sale
In order to actually make more money than I do I haul all my old and useless crap up to my mom's house for the bi-annual garage sale. Due to the fact that I don't have as much for sale and the lack of quality amongst the possesions I am willing to part with, I only make about $50.00. Do I save said money? No. I pormptly head the the Vintage Illinois Festival at Mathesson State Park and spend it all on wine.

Friday, September 25 - Meet Me In St. Louis
One of my good high school friends decided it was time to wed her longtime boyfriend in her adpotive town of St. Louis. So I take the day off to drive down and spend some time in the city, making a little vacation out of it because sadly, that is the most time out of the state I have had this year. And boy was it worth it. If you are ever in St. Louis check out a place called the City Museum. You won't get a solid education on the history of St. Louis, but you can get a beer and wonder how the place hasn't been shut down by a band of crazy lawyers suing over the dangerous nature of it. Oh, and it's awesome.

Friday, October 2 - The Sounds of Silence
On about Monday of this week I start to not feel so hot, but seeing as how I am the only person in the office in my position (my other half was off on her honeymoon) I chugged on. That was, until I woke up Friday morning and couldn't talk and felt like death. I guess that's why the powers that be gave us sick days so I e-mailed my boss (since I couldn't talk) and spend the day passed out on my couch under the influence of NyQuil and Sudafed. *Note - I still have a cough that won't quit. But I have been told it's sexy, like a person with three months to live.

Friday, October 9 - Code Blue
I am home for about 5 minutes yesterday when my mom calls me to inform me she is in the hospital for chest pains. Now, for anyone that knows me you know my father died of a heart attack about a year and a half ago, so of course I go into panic mode. She tells me they didn't find anything but I might want to come up. So I throw some clothes in a bag and am at the hospital in about 1.5 hours (which during rush hour means I was FLYING). As it turns out, the chest pains were the result of her acid reflux not liking the Lou Malnati's pizza. Not cool. So she is okay but since I had to bring her home from the hospital this morning there was no sense going into work.

Perhaps next week I will actually be in the office in a pair of jeans. I mean seriously, what else can keep me away?

On second thought, don't answer that.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Still alive...I think

It has been a rough, oh, I don't know - say 2 weeks for your buddy The Office Scribe.

Between work, weddings, and well, head colds that are trying to kill me, blogging hasn't been my top priority.

Which makes me a sucky, sucky person.  Just call me Hoover, I will totally understand.

But believe me, if you think I am a rambling mess normally imagine what my posts would be like all doped up on NyQuil and pseudoefedrin (yeah Meth!)

Yeah, they probably would be better.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Give Me Your Lunch Money...And Your Parking Space

So I used to have a co-worker that subscribed to Oprah newsletters.  When she left the company all of her work e-mails were forwarded to me.  They have pretty much stopped.  Except for the Oprah newsletters.  No matter how many times I unsubscribe from them they keep coming.  

So today I get one that starts out by asking "Are you bullied at work?"  

Unlike all of the other e-mails I get from the most powerful person in the world I felt compelled to read it.  The article starts out explaining what a work bully is and provides a list of scenarios which may occur if you are being bullied.  My favorite was "If you throw up before coming to work you may be being bullied".  Personally I think if you throw up before you come to work you might be knocked up.  

But then the article got really interesting.  It contained a list of questions which could tell you if you are a bully.  Much like a quiz on Cosmo.  So I sat there and read the questions and answered them in my head.  Here is a selection of the questions and my answers:

1) Does your department have the highest percentage of people who request to leave?

Well, since I moved into my department about 5 people have joined.  And the same number have moved out.  Is that a high percentage?  And could this be my fault?

2) Several employees are on disability because of stress

Holy hell!  You can get disability for stress?  Who do I see in HR for that?

3) Loyalty to you is the most important employee trait.

Well, yes it is.  That and the fact that you live close to a Panera and can bring me an Asiago Cheese Bagel.

4) No one seems trainable; they never get work done as quickly or correctly as you like.

Well that's just because no one else is as awesome as I am.

So I answered the other questions and I have to confess - I think I am a workplace bully.  But then again, my freshman year psych teacher told me I shouldn't self diagnose.  Which may be wise words because when I took that test in my text book that said I was a sociopath I was a little upset.  And frightened.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Manic Monday #14

My ensemble today consisted one of those long sweat jackets that have a belt.  Not because I think they look trendy but because they are basically the only thing I can wear to the office which looks and feels like a bathrobe without actually being in a bathroom.

I walked past a co-workers desk today and saw a little plaque hanging that said "How can I think outside the box when I work in a cubicle?"  I love when people have sayings that are just thinly veiled ways of saying "Sometimes I hate my job" hanging by their desk.  But of course, that is so not what my "You're no good unless you are a good assistant; and if you are, you're too good to be an assistant" (Martin Fischer) doesn't mean that at all... My mom gave it to me, I swear.

If anyone calls me when I am not in the office I apologize for the voicemail message.  It seems that the fancy phone system hates me and won't stop putting my "Out of Office" message on.  But trust me, I am at work. One day I'll figure out how to make it stop saying I am out and will return on September 10.  Hopefully by June 2010.

In the midst of talking to a co-worker today I noticed that I was losing my voice.  I assumed this was because I was drinking and *around* people with cigars and cigarettes this weekend.  But sadly, as I drove home, I started to noticed that my eyes were watery and I was coughing.  That's right people.  I think I just got my first cold of the season.  Can I blame Swine Flu or is that passe now?

I have a plan to convert one of the conference rooms into a stress relief room since everyone is under so much stress at work.  Now in your mind you may be picturing it like a spa, where people can smell some aromatherapy and relax.  But let's face it, that is not the best way to relax.  What is?  A ball pit.  No one has ever felt stressed while in a ball pit.  (Unless your parents put you in there when you were too small and you just sunk to the bottom.  Then I guess 4 feet of plastic balls would freak you out.  For those people I might suggest something else.  Lazer tag.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, September 24, 2009

There's Always That

Work has been really stressful lately.  People are working their butts off.  You can see it on everyone's face.

I was running from the mailroom past the elevators and saw someone from a different department.  I said "Ever feel like a chicken running around with your head cut off?"

She looks at me and says "I dropped my card pass down the elevator today."

I lost it.  Within seconds we were both laughing.

Sometimes a good giggle brought on by the misfortune of other co-workers can make the day go a little better.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 21, 2009

Manic Monday #13

I love being the office guniea pig.  Whenever there is some new technology or service the higher-ups are thinking of implementing I am always a test subject.  Had I known this in my college years I would have made a killing doing experiments in the psych department.

Why do laser printers need a waste toner box?  All that powdery stuff seems like such a waste.  I wonder if we could recycle it into something else.  Like more ink.  Or finger print dusting powder.

At about 5:45PM today, about 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave, the song "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" got stuck in my head.  Sign #452 that I am slowly losing my mind.

Why isn't a dream dictionary included in a traditional desk reference set?  I feel like that would get so much more use during the work day than a thesarus.  I would say about once a week someone in my office talks about a weird dream they had and we all rush to find out what it is about.  You learn some pretty freaky things about you co-workers when this happens.

You are probably wondering why I have the words "Snow Globe" written on the back of my left hand.  Well I am not going to tell you.  You will have to check back Thursday to find out.  All I will say is that writing stuff on the back of your hand is the best way to remember important things.  And what your parents and teachers said about the ink getting into your blood stream was complete BS.  I mean, everyone has six fingers, right?  (Insert "Princess Bride" joke here)

I can't wait to go into work tomorrow (I know, crazy).  See, I can't remember the last time I got a hair cut so I went to the salon after work and was just going to get a trim and ended up getting about 7 inches taken off.  I look like a different person.  So I guess I won't be surprised if I get escorted out of the building by security for looking like a stranger.

And I would like to thank everyone who seemed concerned that I didn't post much lately.  It's nice to know I am not writing this thing solely for my mental health.

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Why I Need A Press Secretary

I would like to address the rumors that have been circulating since my last post. I feel that I need to clear the air so that we can all continue living our lives and being the best people we can be.

I am still happily employed. While I have taken a few days off to work at another, highly important job for a few days (a garage sale is a job, right?) there is no truth to the rumor that I was let go for spray painting the inside of my cubbilce with gang signs in anciect Sumarian.

I am quite a multi-tasker. It was even a nickname given to me at my last job (the one before I became a cubicle monkey). So don't think that I can't write a 140 character status update AND a super creative, slightly humorous blog post on the same day. I can also chew gum and walk at the same time. Unless it is Double Bubble - then I am screwed.

While it's tue I was hit in the head, it was not by a heavy object. It was by bird shit on my mom's deck, the third time this has happened to me this summer, and I was forced to spend a lengthy period of time in the shower washing, rinsing, and repeating.

If anyone else has any other rumors they would like me to address, please leave them in the comment section and I would be more than happy to do so.

And I promise there will be a Manic Monday post this coming week - unless I get hammered at the wine festival tomorrow and take a header off Starved Rock into the river, recreating the dramatic demise of a group of Native Americans. But what are the chances of that happening? (No, seriously, does anyone know?)

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Wonderful Art Of Twitter

At first I resisted.  I thought "It's for teenagers and celebrities with too much time on their hand."  I didn't want to.  But then I tried it.  And damn, now I am a Twitter-er.

For those of you who don't already stalk, er, I mean follow me you can do so by tracking me down @theofficescribe.  There is a lot of randomness spewing out of my head.  Mostly because I only tweet when I am at home and I don't have a solid thought left in my head once I leave the office.

So if you are on Twitter, or as I like to call it, "Which Starbucks is that dayplayer from that canceled show at today?", then follow me and I will return the favor.  

Unless all you do is Tweet about cats.  Or you kids.  Or in a language I can't read.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Manic Monday* - The Renaissance Faire Edition

Because nothing says "Happy Labor Day" like heading to the Renaissance Faire to check out some jousting, royalty, and apparently, breasts.

Speaking of breasts, I came back from getting a sassafras (yeah, it's old timey rootbeer) and my mom said, "We have to chase down that woman.  You have to see her from the front," she said, pointing to a 50 year old woman in full wench garb.  So you know, in a totally stealthy (read:  awkward and stalker-like) we hustled so I could see what my mom was talking about.  Once I managed to get in front of her and casually turn around I almost fell over.  This woman's boobs were about the size of my head (and I am of Irish decent and was born Cesarian which means why head is HUGE) and spilling out of a corset for all the world to see.  And she didn't even work there.  She was just getting into the spirit of things.  By exposing her breasts to small children who came to see knights.

Most of the workers at the Faire were really nice.  They would bid you "good day" and stay in character a little bit while trying to sell their wares.  But one kid, I would say he was about 16, came up to my mom and I when he heard me make a comment about a kilt pin that said "dead men tell no tales".  He then proceeded to launch into an explanation about how live men could tell tales like raccoon, squirrel, horse.  We just smiles at this awkward young man and as we scurried away I told her "He will never know the warmth of a woman" and she couldn't argue with me.

A unique thing about the Faire is that people like to dress up in full blow costumes and just visit.  They aren't employed.  They aren't characters.  They just paid their $15 like I did but walk around in a kilt or dressed like a fairy (neither of which are very renaissance-like but whatever.)  The costume I really didn't understand was the 18 year old who wore a black karate outfit and carried a wooden katana sword.  While I know there have been ninjas for thousands of years I don't think there were many walking through Sherwood forest.

To all the people who were stoked that they went to the Faire on the Queen's birthday, I hate to tell you, but everyday at the Faire is the Queen's birthday.  That way they can always have that cool parade and make it seem special.  Trust me, your timing isn't that good.

My favorite people I saw at the Ren Faire were those who came looking for an authentic experience.  They watched the joust.  They bowed to the queen.  They bought an entire chain mail suite and got their family crest painted on a shield.  And then when it came time to eat they stood in line with the rest of the morons for a cheese pizza.  At least get your kid a turkey leg which, yes, could feed a family of four and he will most likely only eat three bites of, but he will look so much more badass in those family photos that you can force your relatives to look at during the holidays.

~ The Office Scribe

* Yeah, I know it's Tuesday.  But after I write this yesterday I fell asleep and never published it.  Shoot me.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Results Are In: The Bobblehead Poll

I started this poll this week for two reasons.  A#1 was that bobbleheads are commonly found in offices and this is a blog about working in an office (for the most part).  And B#2 because I will find any excuse to blog about Jim Thome, who is my fav bobblehead.

Well, as you can see from the previous post a horrible thing happened this week as he was traded from my beloved Chicago White Sox to the LA Dodgers.  But I have posted about that already and will not share my feelings again.  (I hate you Kenny Williams.)

So here are the results of last weeks poll:

Do you own a Bobblehead?

Yes, It Sits On My Desk - 6 Votes
No, I Hate Springs - 2 Votes
Yes, My Collection Is Huge - 0 Votes
No, I Don't Like Yes Men - 15 Votes

I was a little sad to see that not a lot of my readers own bobbleheads.  And that 2 of you have something against springs....

Perhaps I should create an Office Scribe bobblehead*.  You guys would buy one, right?

~ The Office Scribe

* And no, it wouldn't look like me.  I have already said that a bobblehead of myself on random people's desks would freak me out.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

No Post Tonight - I'm In Mourning

Did you hear the news?  

I did.  

In a text message from a friend at 11:50 PM last night.  

And from another friend in a text at 6:30 AM.  

And when my mom called me at 7:14 AM.  

And every 13 minutes on news radio this morning.  

And when I got to work and a co-worker asked how I was feeling and that she almost sent me an e-Card about it.

And from everyone else that knows I am a Chicago Whie Sox fan.


For the second time in my life Jim Thome has made me cry.  The first time was when I saw him hit his 500th home run on Jim Thome bobble head day.

Though this time it isn't his fault.

I hate you Kenny Williams.  To quote my father, who was a wise man and a master with words, "I hope you shit in your bed tonight."

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 31, 2009

Manic Monday - The "Is Summer Over?" Edition

Though most commonly marked by Labor Day, summer seems to have decided to give up early and let fall take up residence as the current season in Chicago.  Which by my calculations means winter should be here in early October.

I can deal with cool weather.  I like fleeces and sweatshirts and comfy clothes.  But when my arse started going numb as I sat at the company picnic because the metal picnic table was the same temperature as a freezer shelf I decided maybe it was time to call it a night.

You know the perfect way to start a cool Monday morning?  Consume a healthy, balance breakfast of Apple Cider Donuts that you purchased at the orchard this weekend.  Like the chips at Ballydoyle Pub, I am pretty sure these were sprinkled with crack too.

I had to wear a jacket to work today.  A jacket!  In August!  Of course as soon as I reached my cubicle I flung it off because it was near 100 degrees inside the office.  But still, there is hung all day on the back of my chair.  Because I am too lazy to hang it in the closet which is a whopping 10 feet from my desk and if I hang it there I know I will forget it.

I made the official 2010 department calendar today so people can start planning their vacations for next year.  And that is something people start doing when summertime is over the the thought of a long winter in the cubicles starts to drive them mad.

People around here have pretty much given up on the Sox and the Cubs and all sports related chit chat is now about the Bears.  If I wear my Urlacher jersey on Friday is that too soon?

And the last reason I know that summer is over is that in my candy dish right now someone has dumped an entire bag of those orange and black wrapped Mary Jane peanut butter candies which only come out in the fall.  Love them or hate them you have to admit that pretty much means summer is over.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Personally I Blame Kate Beckinsdale

Sometimes when there is no one to answer phones at the company I find myself up at the front desk directing calls.  Generally it is pretty simple.  Most of the time is spent doing the following:

1) Answer Call
2) Transfer Call

When no one is on the phone I either do actual work or more often just catch up on the days news.  Today, though, something happened which has never happened before.

A currier came in with several packages for someone.  A normal person would just sign for them and eventually call the co-worker to come and pickup the package the next time they passed through reception.

But I am not a normal person.  I am a person who has currently rated over 1600 on Netflix which means I have seen WWWAAAYYY too many movies.

And the reason I won't sign for packages that aren't for me or that I don't know the contents of is because of the movie Broken Down Palace*.  Never seen it?  Oh, let me give you a brief little description:  Two girls go on vacation in Thailand.  They agree to carry a package for a stranger.  SPOILER ALERT:  The package contained drugs.  They got caught and ended up in a Thai prison.

So sorry to all UPS, FedEx, Postmen, DHL, or bike messengers.  You will have to wait while I call the person the package was intended for up to the front desk 'cause I ain't signing for it.

~ The Office Scribe

*  You could also substitute Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason but it doesn't provide as negative a look at a Thai woman's prison because as long as you wear a bra and know Madonna you will okay in that scenario because a cure British barrister will save you and you won't have to depend on the president from Independence Day.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Results Are In: The Frosting Poll

The most interesting thing about the results of this poll is freaky math used by Blogger polls.  You will see what I mean when you read the results:

Do You Like Frosting? - 26 Votes Total

Yes, It's the Best Part of the Cake - 14 Votes (53%)
No, It Tastes Like Wallpaper Paste - 2 Votes (7%)
Yes, But Only of it's Cream Cheese - 10 Votes (38%)
No, My Diabetes Won't Let Me - 0 Votes (0%)

Can you spot the wonky math?

Since when did 53+7+38 = 100?

It doesn't.  Where's the missing 2%?

I'll give someone a cookie if they can figure it out...

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 24, 2009

Manic Monday #12

To the Person Who Keeps Commenting On the Manic Monday Posts In An Asian Language I Can't Read: Please start using a language I can understand.  Or at least an alphabet I can understand.

I decided today that since I could write my name in the dust behind my computer it might be time to dust my desk off.  Half a roll of paper towels and the semi-sweet lime smell of Simple Green and my desk actually looked beige again.  Of course the fumes from the Simple Green made me woozy and I don't remember the two hours that followed.

Thanks to everyone that told me that I looked tired today.  That's because I was.  

Sometimes I go to lunch around 12:30 and there isn't a free table.  Other times, like today, my co-worker and I were the only two people in there.  Where do those other people eat lunch on non crowded days.  Did I miss a memo about free lunches or a secret club?

I have three bobble heads on my desk of real people.  I think if when I become famous and they decided to make a bobble head of me I would be weirded out thinking about me sitting on the desk of random people.  And I would always be agreeing with them because of the bobble nature.

NetFlix recommended "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a movie I might enjoy.  While it's true i do enjoy that flick I tend to not be in the mood for it August

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, August 21, 2009

Aww Dammit!

So I worked until 6 today.  I thought all day about the overly snarky post I would write tonight.  About how I hate working until 6 on Fridays.  About how jealous I am of the people on another floor who only work half days.  About how I envied my friend who has the day off and spent it catching up on True Blood.

As I left work I was still in a mood, large fat drops of rain falling from the heavens dampening not only the ground but my spirits.

But then I looked up from my car on the parking deck and damn if there wasn't a brilliant rainbow arching its way across the sky.

Sometimes it's the little things that can erase an entire day of insanity.

Have a good weekend!

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dear Life, Please Don't End While I'm At Work

I don't have many fears in life.  It's not that I am overly brave.  It's more like I just don't care enough to be bothered.  Why freak out about a spider on the ceiling when one good whack with a flip flop can take of it?  

So aside from candy corn and down escalators my only real fear is of tornados.  I guess it call all be traced back to when I was 7 or 8 and freaked out during a tornado because I saw garbage cans blowing about like that stupid bag from American Beauty.  Or perhaps it has something to do with people turning into witches and midgets with candy.  Who knows.

Lately in Chicago we have been having some wacky weather.  The other night some tornados swept thought the midwest and just hearing about it gave me the chills.  I haven't had to head into the bathroom (the only room in my apartment sans windows) quite yet but last year the tornado sirens shagged us out of the office and into the basement at the office.  

There is nothing quite like being in the basement of an office building with 150 of your co-workers when there is impending doom.  I mean, as much as I adore my co-workers I don't really want to spend my last moments on earth with them before our ugly pink office building crashes down upon us.

There are places I would rather spend my last minutes.  Such as on a roller coaster (they said that last drop was a doosy!) or perhaps in the arms of Alexander Skarsgard (did you see True Blood last Sunday?).

Maybe I should just relax and fret over the most common dangers in the office - manilla envelope paper cuts and getting hit in the face by the bathroom door.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Sugar and Salt Diet

Who says there are four food groups?  In my office these days there only seems to be two things that a person needs to survive:  Sugar and salt.

Sugar is mainly consumed in the following forms:

- Candy from the candy shoebox on my desk
- Mountain Dew 
- Candy from the giant bag in HR
- Cupcakes
- Candy from front desk
- Birthday cookies
I have seen more Tootsie Rolls eaten in the past month than in the previous 27 years of my life.

Salt is mainly consumed in the following forms:

- Pretzels from the container from Menards (seriously - the best pretzels in the world)
- Fritos
- Potato Chips
- Morton Salt Pellets for your water softener
- Barnyard Salt licks

The greatest invention we have found is the chocolate covered pretzel or salted carmels.

Why this strange diet?

It is what is eaten when people are too busy to take a proper lunch, have headaches due to the weather, and have to answer illogical questions.

When we have a coronary/diabetic attack no one should be surprised.

~ The Office Scribe

Don't like this diet?  I accept salads by mail.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Results Are In: The Drug Test Poll

Hmm, who knew so many goodie two-shoes read this blog?  Only 3 out of 22 people who voted admitted to taking drugs.  Though I have to say, admitting to smoking pot is like admitting to driving over the speed limit - most people have done it so it isn't that scandalous.

Here are the results:

Yes - Just Say No - 19 votes
No - Just Say Yes - 0 Votes
Yes - Pot Is Legal, Right? - 3 votes
No - Zoloft Counts, Right? - 0 votes

This weeks poll is the result of me consuming too much frosting as I baked cupcakes for a friends wedding.  So excuse the sugar jitters and just vote.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ball of Confusion

Well at least the lyrics "People moving out" are correct...

I have to apologize for not writing a lot lately.  Things have been (hmm, what's the best word?  Let's go with *chaotic*) at work lately.  I haven't had much time or energy to blog lately.  And I assumed you guys would get sick of day after day reading "worked late because so-and-so is leaving for vacation today" or "papers piling up on my desk.  When can I retire?"

In addition to crazy time in cubicle land I spent the last two weeks trying to purchase a car.  (No, not a Cash For Clunkers thing.)  I don't know why trying to give someone thousands os dollars is so difficult.  Last night I finally made the purchase of a Jeep Liberty (used, cause I am practical like that).

Oh, and did I mention that I have two weddings this weekend, one on Saturday and one on Sunday?  And for the one on Sunday I am honored with the task of making 100 cupcakes and a small center cake to (a) make money so I can afford my car and (b) try and get this baking business going so I can, well, see reason (a).

I did the smart thing and took the day off tomorrow to run errands and bake, though I will be at the office for a bit tomorrow because my boss is in dire need of a cupcake.  (Yes, I am that super of an employee!)

Once things settle down, most likely in October, I will find more hilarious things to write about working in an office.

Until then just smell some of those new school supplies you are buy and let the fumes from the rubber cement take you to a happy place.

~ The Office Scribe