Monday, December 20, 2010

Manic Monday #45

I realized today that all my friends who are teachers are on Winter Break.  And I hate each and every one of them. I don't care what anyone says - teachers have it easy. (Bring on the arguments people!)

Last Friday was my holiday party at work so today was the debriefing.  And I have to say, everyone was really mature about describing the after party. Even though, for those of us who were there, we knew that at times, it was anything BUT mature.  (And I learned it's easier to prove sobriety if you can walk a line with your hands in your pockets!)

I wonder how many people in the Midwest are sitting at home, watching the snow fall outside, praying that there is so much that they don't have to go to work tomorrow.  I wish I could be one of those people, but sadly, I own a Jeep Liberty so I have no excuse.

Speaking of driving, on my snowy drive home today I saw a guy try to play Spin the Bottle with his car. Silly little Toyota. 

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (shame on you!) let me bring you up to speed on the battle raging in my apartment.  On Saturday, I noticed some evidence that I might have a mouse.  So I did what any card carrying member of PETA* would do and I bought me some traps.  Within an hour I had snapped one of those little suckers.  When I woke up this morning, there was another one.  Both are now residing on my frozen patio, turning into what I called "micicles" or, what my coworker called "stalagmice".  (I work with some damn clever people!)

Where is my red pen?  How can I make corrections to papers if I don't have my red pen?  Because I don't think my normal choice of purple ink really inspires the fear that it should.

~ The Office Scribe

* PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals.  Come on people, I was a butcher!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My Christmas Wish

According to every single holiday show on Lifetime, We, and the Hallmark Channel, Christmas is the time of year to make grand wishes.

Some people wish for peace.

Some people wish for love.

Me?  My wish is much more grand and profound.

I wish to one day live in a world where plastic dry cleaning bags no need to bear a label that warns people that it is not a child's toy and that it shouldn't be placed over the head.

Charles Darwin, I am looking towards your ghost to make my wish come true.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, December 13, 2010

Manic Monday - The Sub-Zero Edition

Please note - If you are reading this post because you think it will my thoughts on a certain Mortal Kombat character*, you are sadly mistaken.

Just because I wasn't at work today didn't mean I wasn't working.  Unless you consider putting tinsel on an 11 foot Christmas tree with a 120 lb Rottweiler who thinks the thin, silver plastic strands are a treat isn't work.

You ever put in for a vacation day towards the end of the year (because your company has it 'use it or lose it" policy) and wonder if you picked the correct random day?  Well, I guess I picked the right day, since I was 80 miles from home at my moms place when the Midwest decided to re-enact the movie The Day After Tomorrow.  50 mph winds, blowing snow, freezing temperatures - the whole 9 yards.  And since I didn't think Dennis Quaid would be coming to rescue me from the frozen tundra and deliver me to work this morning, kudos to me for taking today off!

How much do you think it would cost to invent a giant hairdryer that can be strapped to the back of snow plows so they could melt the snow off the streets?  And follow up, do you think the car wash people would fight this invention since it would mean no more salt, which would me no more car washes?

Taking a break from a craft project.  That project?  Making a pinata of my company logo for our fiesta themed holiday party  Yes, I am that cool of an employee.

My purchases from Cyber Monday finally showed up.  5 brand new pairs of pants specifically purchased to enhance my work wardrobe.  Because, as it turns out, most companies don't like it when you show up without pants on.  I can only assume Chippendales is one of the few exceptions to this rule.

~ The Office Scribe

* BTW - The entire time I was typing this entry I had the MK theme song stuck in my head.  Damn that song is catchy.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Red Light of Death

I think my phone at work is messing with me.

Each time I would leave my desk, I would come back to what I refer to as the red light of death.  Anyone who works in an office knows what I am talking about.  That little LED light in the bottom corner of your phone which alerts you to the fact that there is a message waiting.

I maybe have two messages on my phone a day, and one of those is always from my mom.

Today I took 14 messages off my phone, and only one was from my mom.

The thing is, my phone barely rang while I was sitting at my desk.  I even checked the ringer volume at one point, just to make sure it was actually working.

That damn red light is a thudding heart beneath the floorboards.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bad Economy My Ass

Today I wasn't at work.  No, I didn't get canned right before Christmas (how horrible would that be?) nor did I pull a "Half Baked" (Don't worry, you're all cool) and storm out.

I had the day off.

Each holiday season I like to take a random day off in December to go shopping.  You have to admit, it is a pretty logical thing to do.  I mean, why deal with the crowds in malls on the weekends when you can have the stores to yourself and park in a place that isn't  what my friends and I called in high school "rape-o land".

Turns out, that wasn't the case today as every single place I went was packed.  At 1:15 in the afternoon.  On a Tuesday.

Okay, so maybe your mind went to the first place mine did.  "There are a lot of people out of work, so I guess they have the time to go out shopping when the rest of the world is trapped in a cubicle."

Um, but if they are out of work, how do they have the money to go shopping?

So my mind went to "Perhaps they are just picking up one or two presents and keeping it simple."

Um, but if they were keeping it simple, why were people walking out of Best Buy with carts of electronics, bags emblazoned with designers like Coach and Burberry at the mall, and trunks full of brightly colored toys from that damn giraffe?

Because the bad economy is a myth.  

I am sure there are people out there having to tighten their belts (hell, I am one of them) because the future seems uncertain, but come on.  There is no way things can be bad when I can't find a parking spot in front of Crate & Barrel.  (No one NEEDS anything from a Crate & Barrel.  A person can find a version of everything they sell for much less money at say, Target.)

So sorry news media, government stooges, and those who cry poor, I ain't buying it anymore.  Or at least I am a nonbeliever until I see some free parking spots.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, December 6, 2010

Manic Monday #44

I have two coworkers who are traveling abroad for business right now.  I am 97% sure they are actually on a Black Ops mission for the CIA.  Of course, this could be because I am watching the entire series of "Alias" on DVD.  But no, I am pretty sure they are saving the world from total destruction.

The only thing bad about having a random day off in the middle of the week is all the prep work that has to occur so that the amount of work when you return isn't so overwhelming that you want to jump out of the window onto the cold concrete below.  Hence the reason I was at work late today, scaring the cleaning people.

Yes, those are Scrumdiddlyumptious Bars in my candy dish. And if you give them to Slugworth, I will smack you.

My office would be better with some monkeys in it.

It makes me smile when the office building decorates for Christmas.  So future husband, take note -  if you want a grin out of me, all it takes is some faux garland and twinkle lights.

The beet de-icing stuff is back on the parking deck, and I hate it as much as I did last year.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Weird Day...

Ever have one of those days that doesn't seem real?

That would be today.

Need an example?  I'll do you one better.  I'll give you a quote.

"If it has a pulse, you can sacrifice it."

Enough said.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Best Bucket List Item Ever

Today the sun was streaming in at such an angle that I couldn't help but think of the scene in Temple of Doom Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indian Jones is in the pit using the thing on a stick to located the ark.

So I shoot an e-mail off to my coworker informing him that I believe I am being lead to the Ark of the Covenant.

His reply:  If you want to go find it, I'll drive. I've always wanted to see a Nazi melt.

Best. Bucket. List. Item. Ever.

And I guess Dr. Jones is one of the few than can check that off...

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, November 22, 2010

Manic Monday #43

The best conversations you can have with your coworkers aren't work related. For example - today a coworker and I had a conversation about who caused more problems in the world - vampires or werewolves. Huh?

Woke up to a balmy 65 degree day, which was highly unusual for this late in November in Chicago.  Of course, that probably the reason my mom called me with sirens blaring in the background to inform me that she was watching a tornado about a mile or so from her house.  What makes this even more bizarre?  Last night I had a dream that my dad and I were in a tornado and to save ourselves we chained ourselves to a fence and it worked.  Did I mention "Twister" is one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies?

The most dangerous website in the world is the Oriental Trading Company.  

I am afraid the seasonal plague is starting at work as it seems everyone is in search of tissues.  Now is the time of year where I want to become the Girl in the Plastic Cubicle.

You know what happens when the office is closed on a Friday?  Yeah, that's right.  We get casual Wednesday instead!

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bad Karma - or - Bad Ass?

Legend has it, there will come a time when those in need of a hero shall cry out, and one shall appear.  This hero, armed with weapons, shall be fearless and protect those who cannot defend themselves. The here will vanquish all that is evil and the masses shall rejoice.

That time was today...

Or maybe I just heard some co-workers talking about how there was a spider in the printer and my inner Girl Scout came out.  I strolled up to the printer, scared the 8 legged fiend out of hiding and sent him to meet his maker.

People were glad I killed it and the day got back to normal.

Until someone said how you never kill a spider because it is bad luck.

In my efforts to protect those I work with, did I just screw myself over in the karma department?

~The Office Scribe

Monday, November 15, 2010

Manic Monday #42

Nothing makes the day go slower than knowing that dinner means bacon wrapped dates and sangria.

I just realized I left something on the printer.  There is a decent chance it will still be there tomorrow, unless the printer gnomes got to it.  If you work in an office with a communal printer, you know what I am talking about.  You could make it to the printer in record time and sometimes your stuff has already disappeared.

Something tells me my office may not be pager friendly.  And that something is that it is not the year 1996.

Nothing shocks my coworkers more than when I take 10 minutes in the morning to straighten my hair, rather than throwing it up in a clip as usual. So remember, the simplest way to shock and awe is minute grooming.

I know geography pretty well and I don't think Chicago is north of the Arctic Circle.  So could someone explain to me why the sun sets at 4:43 p.m. making it seem like the world has been plunged into eternal darkness.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I Mourn For The Pilgrims

I came out of work today on the second story of the parking deck and froze in my tracks...

Because where I stood, I could see a giant white Christmas tree on top of the mall up the street.

Words can't describe my anger.

I weep for the turkeys and maize.

~ The Office Scribe

The Reason I'm Away From My Desk

Since they turned on the heat in my building I have slowly started to feel myself dry out into some sort of dehydrated vegetable.  Raisin?  No, to common.  Prune.  Ewww.  I would have to go with a date - slightly shriveled, but still sweet and especially tasty when wrapped in bacon.

To combat the encroaching dryness, I decided to take the drastic action of drinking the recommended servings of water (or whatever liquid) per day.  Please note, this is not as easy as it seems.  8 - 8 oz glasses of water is a lot of liquid to consume.  But if it stops me from looking like Mrs. Bates at the end of Psycho, I will drink.

My quest started last week with water.  I am one of those people who really likes water.  Plain old water.  No bubbles, no flavors, just water.  But the thing about drinking that much straight water is it feels like a chore.  So I decided to switch it up a bit, and go with Iced Tea.

I love Iced Tea possibly more than any other person on the face of the planet.  While I was on vacation last month, I think I drank 2-3 glasses a meal (and not that weird sweet tea stuff they have down south, just straight up tea on the rocks).  If I could have one of those giant metal dispensers like at Panera installed in my house, I would.

But since I don't have one of those at home, or at work, I came up with a way to get my hydration on via tea.

Step 1 - Take 32 oz. Nalgene bottle and fill 3/4 full with hot water from the handy tap in the coffee machine

Step 2 - Insert 2 Lipton tea bags (regular, non flavored tea)

Step 3 - Let steep for 2 minutes

Step 4 - Top off bottle with ice.

Step 5 - Consume

This is working wonders for me.  I no longer feel like my eyeballs are shriveling inside my head.

There just seems to be one downfall.  I am going to be classy and not mention it, but I think you may now understand the title of this post...

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sorry To Dissapoint

A coworker whom I work closely with is currently out of the office.  And since I am his back up, quite a few people have inquired as to his whereabouts.  When I tell them "on vacation in Europe" their reply has a note of disappointment in it. (Though I am not sure why - I'd be pretty happy to be in Europe instead of my cubicle.)

But it got me thinking that perhaps I should start to get more creative when answering questions about people's whereabouts.

At first I thought I would go the dramatic route - mention something about a loss in the family.  But after trying to think how to explain random sympathy cards and flowers I scrapped that.

Then I thought I'd go wacky - like parachuting over Everest with a monkey.  But in today's age of social media, people would know it was all a lie when it didn't end up on Facebook.

Hoarding was my next thought - Okay, mainly because I was reading an article about it on lunch today.  But come on - being buried alive under a stack of old Reader's Digest was a bit to "CSI".

So I am turning to you.  What should I start telling people?  The more creative, the better.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, November 8, 2010

Manic Monday #41

A co-worked called me this morning to ask if I would bring him Starbucks.  I said sure.  At said coffee franchise, the youngin' who waited on me kinda looked like the werewolf from those "Twilight" movies.  I don't know which was more pathetic - that he has the looks of a teen heartthrob and is making lattes or that I am 28 years old and my first thought was "That guy looks like Jacob Black".

Choosing your companies holiday party theme based solely on the desire for a nacho cheese fountain may be the best idea we have ever had.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - the best part about working at a company where so many people travel abroad it the cool candy that ends up in my candy dish upon their return. Mini Toberlones anyone?

Jimmy John's should really just open a franchise in the lobby of my office building and save the driver that 2 block drive.

Last Friday it was so cold at work that people were leaving the building in gloves and scarves.  Today, I didn't even need a jacket.  And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we are in a horrible economy. The inconsistent weather patterns mean we have to have both a summer and a winter wardrobe in November.  Where's the government bailout for my Eddie Bauer bill?

I guess it's that time of year where I should bring a box of tissues for my desk - because blowing ones nose in index cards only lasts for so long. (Can you say nasal paper cut?)

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, November 1, 2010

Manic Monday #40

Sadly, this was not a truly Manic Monday.  I tried to think about things to write, but I was too busy at work and too tired.

If I ever mention how I am going to a party, would someone please remind me I am no longer 18 and can't quite bounce back like I used to?

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Things That Go Bump In The Office

There is nothing like turning Casual Friday into Costume Friday...

Sadly, not many people dressed up in my office this year. (Oh, don't worry, I did.  I might even post some pics.)

But for those of you who also find yourselves working 9 to 5 within the padded walls of a cubicle, did people dress up at your office?  And if so, what did people dress up as?

Let me know in the comments section.  I need to know that the spirit of Halloween isn't dying offices.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 25, 2010

Manic Monday #39

I take one little week off of work and when I come back I find that two major changes have occurred. First, the construction which made my commute miserable IS OVER!!!  And second, when I leave the office now it is DARK.  I guess I can't win at everything.

Coworkers kept asking if I was okay because it looked like I was crying.  I tried telling them it was because I was overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing them after having the week off.  They weren't buying it.  I was then forced to explain that the moment I entered my county yesterday my allergies decided to kick in.  Not nearly as impressive.

My stapler must have read my blog (or one of you talked!) because it decided to end it all today.  In the middle of stapling three pages, it became so jammed up that I wasn't able to fix it.  The family has requested that in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the "Buy The Office Scribe A New Stapler Fund".

Where the hell did all my paperclips go?

This may be the last blog post ever because there is a weather rumor that something called the Great Lake Cyclone is said to hit Chicago with hurricane force winds today.  So there is a chance I might be swept away to the magical land of Oz.  But hey, maybe the Wizard finally got around to installing WiFi in the Emerald City.  Then I could blog each day about the Horse of a Different Color!

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 18, 2010

Manic Monday - The New Orleans Edition

Ha!  And you thought just because I was on vacation there  wasn't going to be a Manic Monday post this week.  But how could I not keep you, my dedicated readers, up to date on my adventures in the deep south.  And since my current port of call (New Orleans) has provided me with complimentary wi-fi, I thought I would share some thoughts from running around the Crescent City.

If you keep waking up at random time throughout the night, wondering why you have an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom, it might be because of the fountain in the charming courtyard outside your French Quarter hotel.

Alligator is delicious when dipped in spinach dip.

Hey, strange guy walking down the street.  You don't scare me.  I'm from Chicago.

I need all of you to start selling candy bars or drugs or something because I want to buy this house. Not because of it's great location or amazing look.  But because it was owned by a guy who was thought to be a real life vampire.  No joke.  So let's see how fast we can raise $2 million.

Most random thing ever - on my ghost tour I saw the Budwieser Clydesdales. It was weird, but at least I got some beads - and I didn't have to work for them!

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Sunrise. Sunset. (All In The Span on 20 Minutes)

Let it be known - I am not a morning person.  Never have been, never will be.  My parents were both early risers.  Me, I'm a night owl.  But since my office doesn't have a third shift, I have to get up in the morning, earlier than I would like, to make it to the office on time.

This morning started out like any other.  My alarm went off, and after hitting the snooze 4 or 5 times, I knew I had to get up.  So I opened my blinds to see that it was like outside (because I don't trust weathermen) and it was sunny.  I go about getting ready for work, splash some water on my face, brush the  teeth, try and find socks that match.

About 20 minutes later I walk past my blinds again, stop, back up, and look out into what I can only assume to be the sky at 8 o'clock PM.  It was so dark outside that the lights in front of my building has come back on.

Had I fallen asleep?  Did I pull a Rip Van Winkle and end up sleeping away time after a good game on 9 pins*?

Nope.  As it turns out, there was a major front moving through which ended up dumping some rain on us, just as I left the apartment for work.

Maybe I should start listening to the weather report in the morning...

~ The Office Scribe

* I would act all superior about the literary reference I just dropped on y'all, but I like you guys, so I have to be honest.  The only reason I knew about the 9 pins thing in Rip Van Winkle was from an episode of "Wishbone".  God, whatever happened to that wise, book-reading Jack Russel?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Precious

When I started working at my current job the one thing I was truly excited about were the office supplies.  I have said on this blog numerous times that I am an Office Supply addict.  So when I got the chance to stock my cubicle with items I would be using on a daily basis I knew I had to do it right.  Sure, I could have grabbed a handful of supplies from the mailroom like my fellow coworkers.

But that wouldn't have satiated my thirst for the awesome.

So I went out my first week and bought a cool pen holder that spins, some sorters for all the important files on and, the centerpiece of my office dwelling, a bright blue upright stapler.

I knew as soon as I saw it in the aisles of Office Depot that it had to be mine.  I imagined how jealous my new coworkers would be when I stapled hundreds of pages a day with the greatest of ease with my ergonomically correct stapler.

So I purchased it and proudly displayed it.

As it turns out, this is a super stapler - one with the power to not only propel staples through a few sheets of paper, but crack the staples in half, leaving sharp, pointed pieces of metal, perfect for catching fingers on.  I have shed a lot of blood because of this stapler - much more than I ever did in my 9 years as a butcher.

But I am stubborn.  Much like Golem and the ring, I refused to part with my stapler (even though I am sure it's lack of ability to function properly was slowly driving me mad).  I clutched at it, whispering sweetly to it, pleading with it to work.

Today though, I decided I have had enough.  No more digging out stuck staples with a t-pin.  No more smacking it against my thigh to realign the spring.  No more breaking into hysterical sobs because I've witnessed my coworker use their stapler with no issues.

This is the last week I will be in possession of my precious blue stapler.  When I get back from vacation I am throwing it away, for donating it would only be a cruel trick on the next poor soul who came to own it.  And then I am going to march over to Office Depot and buy myself a new stapler because the $10 I will spend on will is cheaper than the therapy bill if I don't.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 11, 2010

Manic Monday - The I FINALLY HIT 100 FOLLOWERS Edition!!!

Whoa.  I take a few days off from my blog to watch my friend run the Chicago Marathon and I come back today and see that I officially have 100 followers.  And while I thought there was going to be some special recognition, like a Google Doodle dedicated to me, I guess I'll get along just knowing that there are 100 people out there who care about what I have to say about working in an office.  (Or are bored in their own offices and want to know they aren't the only ones out there!)  So in honor of this auspicious moment, I give you...


100.  Sometimes I think I should feel bad that I combine the two half pots of coffee into one, so I can make a fresh pot for myself.  But then, I think, "Fresh coffee!" and I don't feel bad anymore.

99. My friend and I were discussing scissors this weekend and she told me she doesn't have them at her desk.  As I stared at my scissors today, I knew that when the zombie Apocalypse comes, I will be okay.

98. Work

97.  Work

96. Office chair roundhouse kicks are the best defensive maneuver if you are in a fight with a coworker.

95. Work

94. I guess when Columbus discovered America it didn't include the private sector.

93. Lesson #436 - If you are nice to the guys at the cafe on the first floor they will sometimes give you free salad dressing.

92.  Work

91.  The only actual breakfast item in the vending machine are strawberry Pop Tarts.  And while they will work in a pinch, I would prefer it if they would stock something better.  Like Panera Bagels.

90. Work

89.  Why do some people spell Carole with an "e"?

88.  Work

87.  I was told I was strange today and I took it as a compliment.

86.  Work

85.  Candy dishes should always be located in a place where they can be monitored.

84.   Work

83.   Work

82.   Work

81.   Work

80.  The Yahoo! OMG! section is the perfect amount of entertainment gossip to read while at lunch.

79. I don't speak French, nor do I type in French, so why does Word keep wanting to install the French spellcheck on my computer?

78.  Just remember - my elephant can beat your moose.

77.  Work

76.  Work

75.  How many orange construction barrels does IDOT own?

74.  Work

73. I told a supervisor that one of her employees was a big help. See, if you treat me well I will treat you well.  The same goes if you treat me like crap.  You've been warned.

72.   Work

71.   Work

70.  Work

69.  I think there might be gnomes who mess with the ringer volume level on my phone because when I got my first call this morning I bet they could hear it ringing in Indiana.

68.   Glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the random dead bird on the parking deck.  Seriously, where did it come from?

67. I saw that they are making "Zoolander 2" and I thought, "why?"

66.  Work

65.  Work

64.  Coworker and I came to the conclusion today that beer probably wouldn't cure a head cold.  That's why the Russians invented vodka.

63.   Harp music creeps me out, but I love it.

62. I was tempted to start a bidding war for my services today but I figured that would be frowned upon by my team.  Especially if another department came in with the winning bid.

61.   Work

60.   Work

59.   Work

58.   Work

57.   I know I leave for vacation in a week, but I was really jealous when I saw someone come back today with a tan.  

56.   Why would anyone live in a place with Amity is its name?  Did these people not watch horror movies from the 70's?

55.   Work

54.   Purple ink it my thing.

53.   I had the Beer Run song stuck in my head.  If you do not know this song it's probably because you didn't go to college.  Or ever play trivia with me on Tuesdays.

52.   People need to bring back the plaid blazers - and not in a hipster kind of way.  

51.  Work

50.   Lunch

49.   Bathroom

48.   I love that there is a small table outside the bathroom door.  It makes me feel like I work at a Barnes & Noble.

47.  I would be 54% percent more efficient at work if they piped in Big Band music for me to type to.

46.  Procedures - I don't like them.

45.   Work

44.   Work

43.  Someone who parks on the first floor has my dream car and I want to track them down and ask if they would let me drive it around the parking lot.

42.   My computer froze up more today than a sewer pipe in January (in Alaska...)

41.   Work

40.  Watch out, I am armed with a business card of a lawyer who specializes in sexual harassment cases and I am not afraid to use it.  But chances are, since I can dish it as well as I can take it, I will never have a use for it...

39.  I should have chopsticks at my desk.

38.   They aren't lying - diet Dr. Pepper really does taste like regular Dr. Pepper

37.   Work

36.   When are they going to make a new JAWS movie?  Seriously, they reboot everything else.  Imagine that shark as a CGI composite instead of a mechanical fish?  I'd pay to see that - and then mock it for being bad.

35.  I sometimes think people see me leave my desk and call me, just to leave a message on my machine since I can't stand seeing that red light there.

34.   If there is a higher power who created mankind, why did he (or she) make eyelashes? Someone once told me they were to keep the dust out of your eyes - but I just think it was a cruel joke to put something that can be that painful that close to your eyeball.

33.  Do people still wear Dockers?

32.   Work

31.   Work

30.   What time is it?

29.   My brain tried to Rick Roll me today.  I was not amused.

28.   I love when people thank me for doing my job.  One of these days I'm going to reply "Well that is what I get paid for, would you like to make a contribution?" and see how many people kick in a few shekels.

27.  Work

26.   Work

25.   Work

24.   Did my clock stop working?  How could it only be 5 minutes later than the last time I looked?

23.   There was a lot of talk about death at work today - a sure sign that it was a Monday.

22.   Work

21.   Glue sticks make me wish more office supplies came in convenient stick form.

20.   Must buy more gum.  Today I had onions at lunch and it didn't make for a happy afternoon breath-wise.

19.   Remember - when you list foods that you are allergic too and include lima beans, I am going to think you lying.  The same goes for spinach, liver and brussel sprouts.

18.   Work

17.   Work

16.  What makes non-dairy creamer creamy?

15.   Work

14.   Derp

13.   Sometimes the main reason I don't leave for lunch is fear I will never come back.

12.   I am starting to wish for snow because that means the end of road construction season.  The orange is starting to make me have homicidal thoughts.

11.  Thank god for spell check (but only the English version).

10.   Work

9.   Work

8.   I am trying to not go grocery shopping since I leave for vacation soon but I guess I can't go without eating for 5 days.  I'm not Gandhi.

7.  Water - Nature's Gatorade, sans the weird colors and flavors.  Unless it's well water - then yes, it is a weird color and flavor.

6.   Work

5.  HA!  So it was the secretary in the conference room with the Swingline!

4.   Work

3.   Work

2.   As one coworker asked "Why are the last 5 minutes of the day the longest?"  The world may never know.

1.  Wow my minds sure does have a lot of thoughts in it...

Thanks to everyone who reads this thing on a regular basis.  It makes me feel accomplished.  Like a small child who finally learns to use the potty or a nerdy kid who finally reaches level 80 in World of Warcraft*

And maybe if I hit 1000 followers I'll do 1000 thoughts - that is, if my head doesn't explore first.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 4, 2010

Manic Monday #38

Today I went to Panera for a salad and they asked me if I wanted a white or wheat baguette.  I said "No, I don't want any bread" which I guess is code at Panera for "I am a terrorist and will blow this place and all the bagels sky high".  Because they looked at me like I was a crazy person.

One of my co-workers came over to my candy dish today and traded one regular Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for three miniature ones because they have a higher chocolate to peanut butter ratio.

I spent a good portion of the day rubbing my nose because I think they turned they heat on in the building and it's now really dry in the office.  I am pretty sure this action lead some of my fellow office mates to think that I was imbibing in a certain illegal substance - prescription nasal spray. HA!  Just kidding. I meant cocaine. 

I stopped at Starbucks this morning and when I was up waiting for my beverage, the barista told the guy two in front of me, that she had accidently made 2 Cinnamon Dolce Lattes (Um, ewww?) and so he could have both.  He looked at her suspiciously, took one cup, and walked out.  The woman in front of me goes, "hell, I'll take it".  When the person in the green apron offers you a free drink, you take the free drink!

I think the outfit I wore to work today made me look like a Gloucester fisherman.

Don't tell IT - but I don't think I shut my computer off tonight.  I think instead of "Shut Down" I chose "Restart".  

You know how you can get workman's comp if you get injured on the job?  I wonder if I can get my company to pay for hair dye since I found a gray hair this morning, which is obviously caused by stress on the job.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Things You Shouldn't Huff At Work

Sure, some people (me!) absolutely adore the smell of permanent markers.  But a few too many whiff and that light headed feeling might make you forget that you have that meeting with the president after lunch.

Rubber Cement
The only reason you should huff this at work is, if you work at a place where there is rubber cement, there is a chance there are children around.  Kids are hard enough to deal with when you have a clear head, never mind adhesive haze.

Other People's Lunches
If it looks like it smells bad, chances are it does.  Don't feel the need to prove it.

~ The Office Scribe

*Sorry, it's been a long week at work already.  My mind is going towards the weird.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Manic Monday #37

So I was pretty sure I was going to come home today and find that I had been robbed.  Why?  Because when the guys installing new carpet in the hallway warned me about coming home during the day and possibly not being able to get in because of the glue and such, I said "Aw, don't worry, I won't be home until at least 7 tonight."  Yeah, I told two strangers with access to my apartment building exactly how long I was going to be gone.  I never said I was smart, especially on Mondays.

I get so much more done at work after regular business hours.  This can either be attributed to the fact that the phones are quiet but it is more likely due to my coworkers and I yelling jokes over the cubicle walls at each other. Jokes inspire people, especially the off color ones!

I actually yelled "There's no crying at the office" at one of my coworkers today.

I have an ever growing collection of "Do Not Disturb" door hangers that people have brought me from their travels.  They are all currently turned to the "Do Not Disturb" side, though it doesn't seem to be working, because people are always in my cubicle.  Perhaps I should turn it to the "Please Make Up Room" to see if anyone will clean my cubicle.

If you are going to use the photocopiers at the office to make copies of sensitive documents, make sure you remove these from the copier (right Tyler Durden?)  Because there are people out there who aren't as kind as I am and instead of just putting the paper back in your cubicle, they may have scanned it and sent it to the entire office.

You know how I know it's fall?  I've switched from coffee to tea.  Lots and lots of tea.  Basically, I am trying to go for a world record in tea consumption.  

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, September 23, 2010

By Definition, You Are All Weird

Since I don't make six figures at my current job, I do odd jobs here and there so I can afford the lifestyle to which I am accustomed to (food, shelter, HBO). My favorite odd job is baking cakes and cupcakes for those who are willing to pay me.  I'm no Ace of Cakes, but I consider my creations a bit more creative than a sheet cake from Costo.

So this morning I brought in a dozen cupcakes that one of my coworkers ordered.  And because my amazing frosting needs to be refrigerated, I stopped to drop the box off in the fridge in the lunch room.

That's where I ran into a problem - The fridge was almost completely full.

And you know what was taking up over 50% of the space?

Insulated lunch bags.

That's right, the space age technology which be definition keeps your food cold for 3 - 5 hours until you are ready to eat your lunch.

So why are they all in the fridge?

I have no idea.  But I am open to suggestions...

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 20, 2010

Manic Monday #36

In the midst of explaining to a co-worker that I have cut myself more while working in an office than I did during my entire 9+ year tenure as a butcher, I sliced open the back of my hand on a cardboard box. Hello karma!

My non-committal response of the day was a shrug

We just started using bubble wrap at the office for shipping.  It takes every ounce of strength that I have to not sit there and pop every sheet of bubble wrap at my desk.  I assume my co-workers appreciate my fortitude in abstaining from such an activity.

I had the song "Tik Tok" stuck in my head all day. I guess that what's I get for watching Music Video parodies on YouTube before I go to sleep.

Did you know "Vă rugăm să ajute, clientul meu se pierde în ţara dumneavoastră şi a devenit un vampir" is Romanian for "Please help, my client is lost in your country and has become a vampire"?  Because it does.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A Scientific Study

Though I obtained a degree in creative writing from an institute of higher learning, that does not mean that I do not occasionally express an interest in those topics outside of being creative or writing. Take today for example.  I decided to embark on my own little science experiment to see if I could answer a questions which has been nagging me lately...

Does what a person wears affect their productivity?

So I broke out something I like to call The Scientific Method and put my query though it's paces.

Step One: Observation

Over the past 4 years of my life I have been working in a typical office.  Cubicles. Bad lighting. Lack of fresh air. And Casual Fridays.  To this day I don't understand why we have to dress up to do what we do, but alas, HR will only let us don jeans and sports jerseys on the last day we are in the office.  I took to looking around on Fridays to see if people were less productive, and if this could possible be the reason why we weren't allowed to wear jeans every day of the week.

Step Two: Hypothesis

To the layman (or people who have forgotten about 4th grade earth science class), a hypothesis is an educated guess about the outcome of the experiment you are about to partake in.  Basically it's the scientific equivalent to a gypsy telling you your fortune.  But without the massive amounts of gold jewelry and the crystal ball.  In this instance, my hypothesis is:

What people wear will not affect how productive people are on any given day.

Step Three: Method

When I was in school, this was my least favorite part because you had to explain the experiment.  I would rather people just trust my conclusion, but since teachers like you to show your work, I will.

To conduct this experiment I spent a major part of my Sunday in sweatpants and a tank top.  I then set about making my apartment look less like the hovel of a homeless person and more like the home of a twenty-something person who didn't want to fear inviting people over.  

Step Four: Results

During my time rocking uber casual clothing, I was able to get all my laundry done, change my sheets, vacuum ever square inch of carpeting, water my plants, watch "Jaws", clean my kitchen, roast acorn squash for soup, and write a new blog post.

Step Five: Conclusion

My conclusion supports my hypothesis, of that what you wear has no affect on how productive you are. Basically, I get as much done (and chances are more done) when I am in non-binding clothing that I don't have to be afraid that I am going to muss up and therefore have to take to the cleaners.

To my fellow office workers, feel free to use this highly scientific data at your own office to possibly get the dress code changed.  Then report back to me as to how you succeeded.  

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

One Of Those Days

Someone needs to tell the world that I am only one person, and therefore can only handle so much work before I snap and trade in my padded cubicle for a padded cell.

But until that message goes through, I guess I will just have to muster up and deal.

And indulge in the occasional Peanut Butter M&M.

Because sometimes, the only cure is a Peanut Butter M&M.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 13, 2010

Manic Monday #35

I took my first sick day this year last Friday because I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a truck.  So I stayed at home and took it easy, hoping to start fresh today.  But when I got to work I was reminded why I don't take sick days... TOO MUCH WORK WAITING FOR MY RETURN!!!  And while I wasn't at work at all on Friday, I was there for an extra hour or so today.  Next time I won't use a sick day unless a limb is falling off!

There is not better way to start a Monday in the fall than with an Apple Cider Donut from the orchard.  All that cinnamon and sugar does not disappoint.

I had ordered some metal file holders for my department, but when I went to pick them up from the mail room they were gone.  After calling Shenanigans, I found out that someone in another department, who had ordered one, took my 5 in addition to hers.  I had to remind her that no matter how hard we clapped out hands, it does not bring in the Office Supply Fairy to life.

Fall is my favorite season.  I love being able to wear sweaters to work and sipping cocoa instead of my usual coffee.  What isn't cool though is the fact that I when I left work around 7:20 this even I had to use my car lights.  Oh sunlight, where have you gone?

We had a discussion about farts at work today.  God I love my co-workers (who are 90% female mind you!)

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 6, 2010

Manic Monday - Labor Day Weekend Edition

Just as I was sitting down to work on this blog post my mom called me into the great room to see something on TV.  As I walked into the room I couldn't help but glance outside at the sun as it set over the lake.  But my eye caught something else and I believe my exact words were "Oh dear Lord, what is that?"  My mom came up to join me in staring at what had to be the biggest spider I have ever seen outside captivity.  So I did what any true outdoors person would do - I sprayed the hell out of it with some Home Defense Max bug spray and proceeded to panic like a little girl.  Maybe someone needs to take my Girl Scout badges away.

Or, maybe someone needs to give me a badge for "Dead Animal Removal" because during this glorious long weekend at the family lake house, I have removed 3 dead birds from the back deck (just today) who decided to go kamakazee and end their lives by smashing into the houses giant windows. 

My mom and I went to go see the film "The American" this morning (holiday tradition) and I have to say, the best part of the movie was the Pumpkin Seed Brittle we bought last week from Williams Sonoma.  (Seriously people, skip the movie and spend the price of admission on the brittle!)

I cooked a massive ribeye steak tonight for dinner that was so rare and bloody on the inside that it was still mooing when I cut into it.  You people who insist on charing your meat beyond belief have no idea what you are missing out on.  (Like maybe what meat really tastes like...)  Oddly enough, a lot of people who I know like to order their meat well done have no problem with sushi, which really makes no sense...

Part of my weekend was spend unpacking boxes from our storage shed which haven't been opened in roughly my lifetime (i.e. 28 years) because of an impending garage sale. (BTW - It's always fun to see what fashions were popular in the newspapers from 1977 that are wrapped around the contents of the box.) Aside from finding a treasure trove of crap, we also found a treasure trove of mold, which I think I inhaled so much of I probably now have mushrooms growing in my lungs.  So when I keep over due to Shitake Syndrome no one should be surprised.

Saturday night I went to a party at a friend's house.  This is a house where I spent a good portion of my weekends in high school and college, but haven't been in for about 4 years.  Aside from some kitchen remodeling, the place was the same.  But just being in the house wasn't the biggest flashback of the night.  No, that went to getting a ride home from my friend's mom because I didn't have a car and had been drinking.  And yes, it was pretty awesome.

Happy Labor Day everyone!

~ The Office Scribe

Hot Siberia


It's been one of those weeks.  The kind of week that makes you long for a holiday weekend even though you know that during those three glorious days you are out of the office your time will be spent cleaning the garage and feeling as dirty as a homeless person while doing it.  But you still don't care because it means you won't be at work for 72 hours and sometimes that is glorious.

Last week I mentioned how on Wednesday I was going to have to pack all my crap up and move to a desk 3 spots away because of reorganization within my department.  Okay, whatever.  I hate moving mainly because my desk is chock full of non-work related items like a mini Darth Vader, Jim Thome bobblehead, and other assorted pieces of wonder that I have picked up along the way. 

So I started to mentally prepare myself for the move on Tuesday morning, figuring I would start to pack up my stuff and possibly even bring it over to my new home.  This plan was dashed however when one of the guys from IT asked if I would be ready to move that afternoon.

WHAT?  Did he not notice all the stuff at my desk? Did he not notice the look of panic in my eyes?  I needed to prepare for this.  I needed to have my mental shit together before I had to flee my homeland like a refugee for what I was told would be greener pastures.

My new pasture is not greener, mainly because though it is located in the corner of the office, it has to be about 15 degrees warmer than my old cubicle.  At first, my co-worker and I thought maybe we just thought it was warmer because of the physical act of moving.  Nope - over the next few days not only did I not have to use the ugly knobby cardigan I keep on the back of my desk - but I had to turn on the small old fan that I haven't touched since we moved into the new building oh 2 years ago.

Perhaps it will just take some getting used to.  Maybe before long I will think of the new cubicle as home.  But chances are, for the foreseeable future, I will just be calling it what it is, Hot Siberia.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 30, 2010

Manic Monday #34

Anyone out there into omens (not the movie) because I saw a dead bird when I walked into the office today and something tells me that isn't a good sign.  And then I think karma might really have it in for me because there was also a dead bird (or what was left after something ate it) on the walkway up to my apartment building when I got home.  Do I need to be worried?  Should I burn some sage or something? Sacrifice Justin Bieber?

Yeah, that's right.  I was wearing flip flops at work today even though they are non-legal footwear.  Why?  Was it because I am a badass?  Was it because it's my way of telling HR that I don't agree with their policies?  Was it because I don't give a flying F%!&?  Um, or was it because I forgot to pack black socks when I went to my moms place this weekend and didn't want to look like a nerd in white socks with black mary janes?  (Note: I am not a Hipster, which is why I couldn't pull that look off.)

People seemed really tired at work today.  Chances are I noticed because I was one of those who was really tired.  See, that's what happens when you share a bed with a dog who is a restless sleeper and have to drive 1.5 hours to get to work from your moms house. You sometimes are tired.

Why doesn't Lisa Frank make office supplies for the working world?  There are some days when I really could use a smiling kitten or a psychedelic dolphin to help me get through the day.

Hiccups - I. Hate. Them.  I am the type of person who doesn't get hiccups which go away.  When I get them, I have them on and off all day.  Which is not only annoying but kinda embarrassing when someone goes to ask you a questions and you answer with a mighty hiccup in their face.  If I did this to anyone I work with today, I am sorry....

There aren't any tried and true rules to decide when a new employee has been accepted into the fold.  Unless you work in my department and even though you are an adult, your mom sends in candy for the candy dish because she has heard about how popular it is.  If you can pull that off, consider yourself GOLDEN.

Found out today I have to up and move cubicles.  While I could share my feelings on that here, I think it is best saved for Wednesday, the day the move will happen.  Don't be sad - it will just give you something to look forward to...

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - A little shout out of love to the auto-save feature used by Blogger.  Without this feature, today's Manic Monday post wouldn't have been possible because I am not typing this shit more than once.

It's Messing With Me, Right?

Ahh, the Page-A-Day Calendar.  A time honored part of the Cubicle Monkey's arsenal.  Each and every December, countless hoards of office workers go to their nearest Barnes & Noble and pick out a Page-A-Day that they think won't bore them in 365 days.

In my few years of office work, I have had some hit and some misses.

Hit: Far Side

Miss: Procrastinators Calendar (far too wordy)

Hit: Trivia

Miss: 365 Jokes (Turns out, weren't very funny)

Sadly, I think I am in another miss year.  A co-worker bought me a Cupcake-A-Day Calendar for Christmas this year because of my penchant for baking.  I love it.  And I swore to myself I would never jump ahead.

The recipes started out for delicious cupcakes such as Chocolate Mud and Cinnamon Apple.  They made my mouth water everyday when I tore off the previous day.

But now, I think the authors may be running out of ideas.  Case in point: Peach and Tomato Muffins with Lime.


Oh dear lord.  That is not a happy flavor if I ever read about one.  I am sure it was just put in there to test the person who swore to make every flavor just to see if they had the balls to do it. Well, I am not that kind of person so I am going to refrain from making such a horrible concoction.

Unless my co-workers make me mad.  Then perhaps they will be my revenge cupcake and I will be the one doing the messing....

~ The Office Scribe

It's All About The Perks Baby

There are not many perks for those of use who work in an office.  Back in the days when I was a butcher, I used to get free lunch (meat) and a 20% discount on everything I bought (meat).  Nowadays the perks seem to be coffee - when someone remembers to make it - and the one time a year the office building buys all the tenants ice cream - which I missed this year.

That was, until we received an e-mail that made me as giddy as Stewie Griffin with a new cache of Plutonium.

Turns out, employees at my company can use the corporate discount at a major office supply chain for personal purchases.

That's right!

Cheap pens!  And notepads!  And hi-lighters!  And markers!  And, and, and staplers!


Sorry, I almost passed out there from all the excitement.  It's just, you guys know me.  I love office supplies more than Prince loves heeled shoes. More than Abe Lincoln loved tall hats.  More than vampire wannabes love body glitter.

I love them - a lot.

And now I can get them for less.


~ The Office Scribe

Note To All Readers

In addition to my usual Manic Monday post, you may see some other posts go up tonight.  Chances are you were like my mother and noticed I didn't post last week.  If you know me in person, chances are that you called me out on being a slacker.  In truth, I was only a partial slacker.  I wrote several posts last week, the old fashioned way (yay paper!) and didn't get a chance to transcribe them into my computer.... 

....until tonight.  

So enjoy the copious amounts of posting that happened this evening!

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 16, 2010

Manic Monday #33

It's always nice to come back after a 3 day weekend to comments like "You look like you got some sun".  It makes up for all the times I come back from a vacation to people asking, "Did you leave your apartment at all?"

I am a total pen snob and refuse to use the pens the company supplies us with, so I go out and I buy my own. My pen of choice right now is a TUL Retractable Gel Pen. It is amazing. I have never loved a pen as much as I love these (Note: TUL - Feel free to send me free ones.) But a tip for anyone who runs out to Office Max and picks some up - Don't forget to remove the small plastic nub from the tip. You will save yourself the frustration of trying to figure out why your new pen doesn't work and the feeling of stupidity when you realize why...

I don't care that every book club in America has read the book.  I don't care that it is an insanely popular movie. I don't care that it is making everyone want to travel the world. I will not read Eat. Pray. Love.  To me, it's the 42 year old housewife equivalent of Twilight

As I sit here and write this, I can't tell if that is a car alarm going off, a bird, or an alien invasion....

You know what I like about my job?  That no one is trying to kill me on a daily basis while I do it.  That's the number one reason I turned down that spy job with the CIA.  That and I shoot like a girl. (I blame a lack of video games while growing up. But I am oddly accurate with a bow. That I blame on Girl Scout camp.)

Tomorrow is my boss' birthday and I am bringing in Dark Chocolate Truffle Cupcakes. Yes, I am going to earn some major brownie cupcake points.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 9, 2010

Manic Monday - The Summer Party Edition

Last Saturday was my company's annual summer party.  This year it was held at the zoo. And it was pretty cool (except for the temperature which got really warm). Seriously, it started out really cool, so I wore jeans, which as the 2 PM sun hit us made me feel really warm.  Which is why we left.  Well, that and all the people who started to show up.  Come on?  What kind of crazy person goes to a zoo on a gorgeous Saturday?

My mom specifically wanted me to tell you about the baby Galapagos tortoises we saw.  Why?  Because they were adorable and will one day be the size of a coffee table. 


Yeah, cute as hell. And you can see they all have personalities already.

#1 Is the angry one. 
#2 Is the flirty one
#3 Is the shy one
#4 Is the funny one.

They are one shell shy of forming an all reptile boy band.  (Fun Fact: They won't be full grown for like 20 years.  These things are like humans - but with better ninja skills).

There is always something weird about seeing someone you work with everyday outside of the office.  I am 90% sure I walked past a dozen or so people and played the "do I work with them game". 

People were keen to introduce me to their family members and significant others at lunch, but I had a condition which prevented me from shaking their hands.  It's called double fisting - a Coke Zero in one hand and a Miller Lite in the other.  (Come on people, it was hot!  I was thirsty!)

Sadly, I did not win Employee of the Year (again).  I think this is just because I am so awesome that others would weep openly if they thought that is how high the bar was set.  (Or because I am too much of a handful...)

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, August 6, 2010

My Loss Is Your Gain

Ahh Fridays... There is, perhaps, no better day during the workweek than Fridays.  Cool places like where I work allow us to shed our corporate visage and dress down in jeans and t-shirts with funny sayings on them like "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel" or "Chicago Cubs".

Fridays also rule because I make it a point to stop and pick up an Iced Quad Venti Non Fat Latte from Starbucks.  I generally only allow myself a $4 cup of coffee on Fridays because it makes financial sense and makes the lattes that much more awesome.

So this morning, I got up, put on my casual Friday attire, and headed to my local Starbucks. (FYI - The great thing about where I live is that I am 5 minutes from 2 different Starbucks, one to the north and one to the south. Yay suburbs!)  And since I was feeling a little lazy, I decided to hit the drive thru.  There were about 4 cars in front of me, so I didn't think the wait would be that bad.

I. Was. Wrong.

The car that was at the window when I pulled up sat there for a solid 8 minutes.  From my position, stuck in the drive thru lane (once you are in you can't escape) it seemed that the person was having a lovely chat with the employee at the window.  My guess is that the conversation was about how they were feeling suicidal but too chicken to pull it off so they were attempting to piss off a bunch of caffeine junkies by delaying their receipt of coffee.

If that was their plan, I think it worked.  The cars in line started to get angry.  People were upset, raising their hands in disgust and hitting the horns.  The employee at the window looked back at the line in fear, attempting to get the car to leave.  But as I said, the car sat there for almost 8 minutes before finally pulling away.

Then things proceeded as normal.  The rest of the cars whipped through the line.  I am sure the baristas were working at hyper speed in order to placate the angry mob.

Which is probably why, when I took a sip of my frosty iced latte about 3 blocks after pulling , I realized they had put some sort of sugary syrup in there.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I hate sweetened coffee.  I like my lattes to be as close to the sludge that pumped into the gulf as humanly possible which is why I order it with watered down milk and 4 shots of espresso.  If I wanted it sugary and tasting like what I imagine fairy sweat to taste like, I would have ordered it that way.

So I got to the office, coffee in hand, walked inside and found one of my coworkers and asked "Do you like sugar in your coffee?"  And when she answered "yes" I gave the coffee to her and said "enjoy".  Then I walked into the lunch room and proceeded to pour myself a cup of the same stuff I drink every other day.


I learned a lot of things during this experience.
1) Don't be lazy and use the drive thru if the weather is nice
2) Try the coffee before leaving in order to make sure they got it right
3) Giving a free coffee to someone who wasn't expecting it makes them smile like they won the lottery

I guess it wasn't a complete loss.

Happy Friday everyone.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bacon - or- How To End The Day On A High Note

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day. 

As it turns out, it is also the perfect way to end the day...

Ask A Vapid Blonde, I like bacon. The two of us discuss it quite often on Twitter. I don't eat it that often (because let's face it, bacon is not the best food to eat on a regular basis...) but I enjoy it a lot when I do. 

So after a long day at the office, where things have been very busy, I stepped outside and wouldn't you know it, the top deck of the parking structure smelled like heavenly bacon.  It was awesome.  For once it wasn't raining, the humidity had died down, and the air smelled of smoked pork products.

Of course this got me thinking, what other scents could the, um, scent gods(?) pump out into the atmosphere that would make me, and others, happy?

Fresh Cut Grass
I love the smell of fresh cut grass so much I still own a bottle of the perfume that Gap produced in the 90's aptly named, Grass. No one should be surprised if I end up marrying a gardner some day just because of that smell.

Deep Woods Off
Maybe it's having grown up in a woodsy area.  Or all the summers I spent at camp.  But hot damn I love the smell of Deep Woods Off.  

Safeguard Soap
I am a girl, which means I have more flowery scented body washes in my shower than necessary.  And I use them all, but when nothing compares the the beige bar of Safeguard soap I always keep in there too.  Chalk it up to the fact that it's the soap my dad used.

Black Sharpie Markers
I know a lot of people huff markers to get high, but I will sometimes take a light inhale because I love the smell.  Sure, it's probably killing off brain cells, but monkeys like vitamin pants...

Moonlit Walk Candles by Glade
They smell like a really good guys cologne. 

I don't really like to eat it, but I love the smell of it.  Favorite Popcorn Story: When I turned 16 my parents took me out to dinner.  When we came home, we walked in the house and I said "it smells like burnt popcorn in here".  My dad tried to convince me it was a gas leak.  I walked into the family room and as I turned on the light I declared "No, I know what gas smells like" which was followed by 10 of my friends popping out from behind furniture and shouting "SURPRISE!" 

Anyone else out there care to share their favorite smells?  And please, no gross stuff.  I know you don't like the smell of farts and are only saying that for the shock value.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Epic Umbrella Fail

Dear Guy In The Silver Car,

Yeah, I am talking to you.  I know you saw me this morning, and I feel the need to explain what was happening.  As you probably noticed, it has been raining a lot lately.  We've had more rainfall this week than the annual precipitation of the Amazon.  So of course I was smart and decided to bring and umbrella with me to the office, in order to protect my clothes and hair from unnecessary dampness.

It is a common practice to start to open your umbrella as you exit your vehicle.  Those with smooth moves or who used to be ninjas can execute this in one flawless maneuver.  Well, since it was about 8:20 in the morning, I hadn't had my coffee and I wasn't raised by Mr. Miagi, my exit was a little less graceful.  The umbrella exploded out of my car and got stuck in the door, which is why I was struggling as I was.

And while I must have looked like a total spaz, I would like to point out that you didn't come to my rescue. You didn't play the part of the White Knight to my damsel.

Hmm, while I started out writing this as an apology for my actions this morning, I now realize you had a bigger fail than I did.

Shame sir, shame on you.  Next time come to the end of the un-caffeinated and lend a lady a hand.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Manic Monday #32

I totally had this all set to publish yesterday, but then the weather gods decided to rain down more, well rain, on the Chicagoland area and when there is lightning, I unplug my computer so it doesn't fry in a power surge. But Office Scribe, don't you have a Mac Powerbook?  Yes, I in fact do, but since the battery doesn't hold a charge for longer than 5 minutes my laptop is actually more like a portable desktop.  But I am taking donations for a new computer if anyone is interested...

I got on the elevator yesterday, because I was feeling lazy, and the guy getting off the elevator had hazelnut coffee.  How did I know?  Because the entire car smelled liked a jar of Nutella.  Which of course, I didn't complain about.  But it got me thinking about dudes drinking coffee with flavors in them and if they ever question their masculinity while sipping them...

I took off an extra half hour to run an errand around noon yesterday and realized that school needs to start ASAP.  My errands, which should have been brief, took twice as long because of all the teens out driving around for no reason and the moms hauling their kids to their activities.  The older I get the the more I become a fan of year round schooling.

My mom brought me some plantain chips on Sunday, so I brought them to work yesterday to munch on.  For those of you who have never had a plantain chip, I suggest you hit up your nearest ethnic grocer and find some, because they are delicious.  And no, they are not like a banana chip.  I don't like those but I could live on plantain chips.

Like most offices, mine has a drop ceiling with those fin white tiles with that pencils stick in so well (not like I am flinging pencils at the ceiling, I gave that up in college).  But I noticed a large brown stain on one of them in another department and I can't tell if someone on the floor above spilled a large amount of coffee or if someone in my office threw a large amount in anger.

Speaking of spilled coffee, when I left yesterday I noticed in the stairwell a large splash of coffee up against the wall on the floor below us.  Perhaps people are flinging coffee in anger.  It's the newest wave in "office rage".  I just hope these angry individuals are smart enough to use the cheap stuff in the pots here and not a pricey latte.

~ The Office Scribe