Thursday, June 30, 2011

Ways To Annoy Your CoWorkers #1 - The Sound of Music

Hi!  Welcome to a new segment here at Asleep Under My Desk that I like to call "Ways To Annoy Your CoWorkers!"  On today's episode I feature a classic way to drive your coworkers crazy.

I call it - The Sound of Music.

Step One - Patience is key, because you can't instigate Step One; You have to wait for someone else to do it.  Basically, just sit around and wait for someone in your office to ask you for help*.

Step Two - Approach them with zeal and ask how you can be of assistance.

Step Three - Listen to their problem and tell them everything they did was wrong. And that they'll have to start over.

Step Four - Hopefully they will reply with something along the lines of "Well where do I start?"

Step Five - Reply "Start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start."

Step Six - Wait for them, or someone in earshot to chime in with "When you read you begin with A B C".

Step Seven - Reply "When you sing you begin with Do Re Mi!"

Then sit back and listen to your coworkers curse, as you have now implanted one of the catchiest tunes in their head.  It will be with them all day.  Later you'll hear them humming under their breath "And that will bring us back to Do Do Do" or discussing what ethnic accent someone pronounces "far" as "FA" in.

But complete success will come if you catch someone singing "Favorite Things" which means you not only planted a song, but an entire musical.

I'll be honest, it tends to work better on girls, but it's also a fun way to discover who the closer musical fans are.

~ The Office Scribe

* If you are the type of person no one ever asks help from, I think you had better stop trying to find ways to annoy your coworkers and try harder at your job...

Monday, June 27, 2011

Manic Monday #54

Macs are better than PCs because they don't try to be all clever and green with their "recycle" bin - they keep it real with a trash can.

The only thing better than going to a coworkers house for a party over the weekend is when the coworker brings in the leftovers.  Free lunch!

Last nights "True Blood" episode was the television equivalent to the "What I Did Over My Summer Vacation" essay.  

I'll admit it.  I sometimes put nonsensical stuff on my meeting agendas just so it looks like I have more to talk about.

Biggest news of the day was when the jury came back in the Blagdovitch Bagdonovich Blagojevich trial and found him guilty on a bunch of counts.  For those not keeping score, that's two Illinois governors who will be serving jail time. At the same time. Quinn, I'm looking at you to make that an even 3.  (Don't argue - 3 is totally an even number.)

Obviously the people who live a few floors above me don't have jobs?  How do I know?  The spent their money on bottle rockets which they like to shoot off at 1:30 a.m.  I swear if I find one more of those little red sticks in my parking lot, within inches of my car, I am going to cut someone.  Or superglue their mailbox lock shut.  Try getting your eviction notice now asshole!  (Wait, that might be counterproductive...)

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Shhh! It Can Hear You!

When I was little I remember sitting with my Grandfather watching 2011: A Space Odyssey.  For those who have never seen the movie, let me boil it down to one sentence (which is never an easy task for a Kubrick movie).

A computer goes crazy.

I remember thinking that this was an implausible scenario, even at the tender age of 5.  I mean, inanimate objects just don't go crazy (with the exception of Teddy Ruxpin).  It's a thought I have carried with me through all four Terminator movies and life in general.

That is, until today.

A coworker and I had a discussion about how we were jealous of people in the Creative Services department because they have Macs.  As someone who has a Mac I said I wish I could have one at work.  My coworker agreed and we left the conversation at that.

What I didn't realize was that my PC was listening - and it didn't like what it heard.

I spent the rest of the day waiting for pages to load, getting e-mail errors and generally being less productive than usual, all because my computer decided to hate on me.

So tomorrow, I am not speaking aloud in front of it.  Hand signals only.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm Outta Here!*

I was sitting at my desk today and the little yellow Outlook envelope popped up to let me know that I had a new message.

-----Original Message-----
From: BCL []
Sent: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 2:21 PM
Subject: Yours!

Your E-mail won 500,000.00GBP from BCL draws. Send your name? Address?
Mobile no? Country? State? Occupation? Age? To

So I do the logical thing - I immediately message a coworker and tell him I am quitting my job because I just won a ton of money in a lottery I never bought a ticket for.

His response - You too?

Damn!  Apparently everyone in my office got the e-mail, which means we are all uber rich.

It's not fun unless it's special.

~  The Office Scribe

* Obviously I did not quit my job.  That would be retarded.  Have you see gas prices?  I'd be able to drive a block and then I'd have to live out of my car on the corner and someone would make a documentary about me that would win them an Oscar and me a few extra nickels in my used Starbucks cup.

The Shoes

This weekend I am in one my best friend's weddings.  And by "in it" I mean I'm a Bridesmaid which means I have the dress, am getting my hair done and will do my best to not embarrass anyone with my ways...

That also means that I have shoes.  As any females knows, new heeled shoes need to be broken in similar to a way a cowboy breaks a wild horse.  It can take hours, be some pain, but in the end it will be well worth it.  Since Chicago has had some damp wet weather lately I knew I couldn't wear the shoes outside.  So I did the next best thing - I wore them around the office.

Word to the wise - if you generally dress like you stepped out of an Eddie Bauer catalog and you show up wearing shoes like this, comments will be made:

* Note - the ones I have are NOT Christian Louboutin's....

I would walk up to people to ask them a question and their jaws would drop and they'd ask, "Wow - what's with the shoes?"

But my favorite comment of the day was "It looks like Barbie threw up on your feet."

Overall, I think I impressed my co-workers because I could walk around in 4 inch heels for multiple hours and not complain.

I am a woman of many skills.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, June 13, 2011

Manic Monday #53

Thanks to my mom who, this weekend, reminded me that I have a blog and that I haven't posted on it in a while. 

Blank stares are not an acceptable answer to any question.  If you can't take the energy to at least furrow a brow or blink then I will never come to you for an answer again.

The nomination process for Employee of the Year came out today but since I didn't see the words "snarky", "sarcastic" or "cynical" on the list of employee attributes something tells me I won't be pulling down the votes.

The #1 reason I don't leave the office for lunch isn't to save money or dedication to my work - it's that on days like today, where there isn't a cloud in the sky and it's a balmy 73 degrees I fear I would not come back and be listed as MIA.

Try saying "canoodling in an igloo" 10 times fast.

~ The Office Scribe