Monday, October 26, 2009

Manic Monday #15

It's always nice when someone brings bagels in on Monday.  It's nicer when those bagels are from Panera.  It's even nicer when the person gets the type of bagel I like:  The Everything Bagel.  Or as I like to call it, the agony and the ecstasy bagel.  For those who aren't familiar with the Everything it is a plain bagel topped with sesame seeds, poppy seeds, and, the key ingredient, onion.  The onion is what makes this bagel uberdelicious and produces the fetid breath that only copious amounts of strong coffee can cover.

One of my coworkers saw the "shark attacking a helicopter" photo today.  You know, this one:

So to be fair, I sent him this picture, so he could see that shark's side of the events that occurred that day:

I was accused of putting a rubber rat in someones cubicle today.  I was a bit shocked.  I thought my coworkers knew me better than that.  I would never stoop to anything so juvenile.  If I were going to put a rat in your cubicle it would be alive, you know, to keep things interesting.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, October 22, 2009

8 Glasses A Day = 200 Trips To The Bathroom

I have been coughing for about, oh, three weeks now and I am pretty sure it is slowly driving me mad.  By my calculations I will be posting about which cat food I prefer to eat with my headless doll collection while watching MTV2 in two more weeks.

So my constant hacking got me thinking: Maybe I should be taking better care of myself.  Perhaps I should not be as big of a slacker as I have been and move about more and eat better.

And maybe I should drink more water.

Now I really like water.  I mean, I actually like the taste of water and probably drink more than the average person.  Or at least I used to.  It seems that in the past few months I haven't been consuming as much H2O as I used to.  So I assumed that this is the reason I haven't been preforming as well.  I mean, it can't be stress from work making me ill and cough so much I am afraid my right eyeball will pop out of my head and explode on my monitor....

I decided to start using my Penguin Water Cooler again and drink 8 glasses of water a day, keeping me hydrated, improving my skin tone, and detoxifying my body from all the Black and Tans I drink at Pub Trivia on Tuesdays.

Problem is, I am now going to the bathroom approximately 400 times more than I did before.  (Wait, is that possible?  Whatever, I have a degree in writing, not in math.)  Anyway, I am going to the bathroom like 3-4 times a day which is starting to wear on me.

I wonder what else I can do to make me feel better that will possibly not take me away from my desk as often as it does.

I'll think about this more after I take the Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes out of the oven.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sick Day Miranda Rights

As I sit down to right this blog post, which I came up with earlier in the day, it makes me giggle because of the phone call I just received.  I would go into more detail, but chances are, I would get yelled at for disclosing such sensetive information

So where was I, oh yeah, Sick Day Miranda Rights.  I stopped by a co-workers desk and saw that she wasn't there.  When I asked someone else where she was I was told "I don't know, out sick I think".

Which lead me to think that if you don't tell people why you are out sick, then we should have the  right to come to our own conclusions.  I mean, sure, you may be at home with a headache, but I would rather imagine that you came down with a severe case of cooties or are possibly carrying Rosemary's Baby.

Okay, I meant to put more thought into this post but seriously, it is 12:50 AM, I just got home from Pub Trivia (third place but won two Bulls tickets) and after that phone call I mentioned earlier, I just can't focus anymore.

Sorry, but this is what you are getting.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 12, 2009

Manic Monday - Columbus Day Edition

While listening to the radio this morning the announcer said that traffic was light due to so many people taking Columbus Day off.  Um, I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who took Columbus Day off.  You know the real reason the roads were clear?  Soccer moms who can't drive because they are gabbing on their cell phones but still insist on driving their "precious cargo" to school weren't on the roads.  Said "precious cargo" that should be taking the bus to school but don't because their parents are wimps.  Believe me, riding the bus builds character.  The kind of character that will save you from getting shanked in the prison yard one day.

In honor of Columbus Day I had an authentic meal.  Of tacos.  Because, um, tacos are from Latin America which is where Columbus first landed, spreading disease and plague that make Swine Flu look like a case of the sniffles.  (Is it too soon to joke about conquistador germ warfare? No?  I didn't think so.)

A good way to celebrate Columbus Day is to have a movie-marathon of Columbus movies, such as:
- Adventures in Babysitting
- Home Alone
- Mrs. Doubtfire
- The Goonies
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
- Gremlins
Wait.  What do you mean that's the wrong Christopher Columbus?  School kids don't get a day off a year for the writer/director/producer?  Damnit!

It always makes me mad because there is really nothing left to find in the world.  Man has practically been everywhere.  But that doesn't mean we can't "discover" stuff about day to day life, such as:

- There is no such word as oldery, no matter how many times you use it in a sentence

- Pheromones are released when people add chocolate to my candy dish which makes the herds come a-runnin'

- Low odor dry erase markers still pack enough punch to make me woozy after lunch.

Happy Columbus Day Y'All!

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, October 9, 2009

Fridays AKA Just Another Day Out Of The Office

Most people commonly work a 5 day work week.


But it seems that lately I haven't exactly been following this common pattern. Sure, I get paid to work 5 days a week, but that just really hasn't been happening lately. So what am I doing while everyone else is celebrating Casual Friday?

Friday, September 18 - Garage Sale
In order to actually make more money than I do I haul all my old and useless crap up to my mom's house for the bi-annual garage sale. Due to the fact that I don't have as much for sale and the lack of quality amongst the possesions I am willing to part with, I only make about $50.00. Do I save said money? No. I pormptly head the the Vintage Illinois Festival at Mathesson State Park and spend it all on wine.

Friday, September 25 - Meet Me In St. Louis
One of my good high school friends decided it was time to wed her longtime boyfriend in her adpotive town of St. Louis. So I take the day off to drive down and spend some time in the city, making a little vacation out of it because sadly, that is the most time out of the state I have had this year. And boy was it worth it. If you are ever in St. Louis check out a place called the City Museum. You won't get a solid education on the history of St. Louis, but you can get a beer and wonder how the place hasn't been shut down by a band of crazy lawyers suing over the dangerous nature of it. Oh, and it's awesome.

Friday, October 2 - The Sounds of Silence
On about Monday of this week I start to not feel so hot, but seeing as how I am the only person in the office in my position (my other half was off on her honeymoon) I chugged on. That was, until I woke up Friday morning and couldn't talk and felt like death. I guess that's why the powers that be gave us sick days so I e-mailed my boss (since I couldn't talk) and spend the day passed out on my couch under the influence of NyQuil and Sudafed. *Note - I still have a cough that won't quit. But I have been told it's sexy, like a person with three months to live.

Friday, October 9 - Code Blue
I am home for about 5 minutes yesterday when my mom calls me to inform me she is in the hospital for chest pains. Now, for anyone that knows me you know my father died of a heart attack about a year and a half ago, so of course I go into panic mode. She tells me they didn't find anything but I might want to come up. So I throw some clothes in a bag and am at the hospital in about 1.5 hours (which during rush hour means I was FLYING). As it turns out, the chest pains were the result of her acid reflux not liking the Lou Malnati's pizza. Not cool. So she is okay but since I had to bring her home from the hospital this morning there was no sense going into work.

Perhaps next week I will actually be in the office in a pair of jeans. I mean seriously, what else can keep me away?

On second thought, don't answer that.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Still alive...I think

It has been a rough, oh, I don't know - say 2 weeks for your buddy The Office Scribe.

Between work, weddings, and well, head colds that are trying to kill me, blogging hasn't been my top priority.

Which makes me a sucky, sucky person.  Just call me Hoover, I will totally understand.

But believe me, if you think I am a rambling mess normally imagine what my posts would be like all doped up on NyQuil and pseudoefedrin (yeah Meth!)

Yeah, they probably would be better.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Give Me Your Lunch Money...And Your Parking Space

So I used to have a co-worker that subscribed to Oprah newsletters.  When she left the company all of her work e-mails were forwarded to me.  They have pretty much stopped.  Except for the Oprah newsletters.  No matter how many times I unsubscribe from them they keep coming.  

So today I get one that starts out by asking "Are you bullied at work?"  

Unlike all of the other e-mails I get from the most powerful person in the world I felt compelled to read it.  The article starts out explaining what a work bully is and provides a list of scenarios which may occur if you are being bullied.  My favorite was "If you throw up before coming to work you may be being bullied".  Personally I think if you throw up before you come to work you might be knocked up.  

But then the article got really interesting.  It contained a list of questions which could tell you if you are a bully.  Much like a quiz on Cosmo.  So I sat there and read the questions and answered them in my head.  Here is a selection of the questions and my answers:

1) Does your department have the highest percentage of people who request to leave?

Well, since I moved into my department about 5 people have joined.  And the same number have moved out.  Is that a high percentage?  And could this be my fault?

2) Several employees are on disability because of stress

Holy hell!  You can get disability for stress?  Who do I see in HR for that?

3) Loyalty to you is the most important employee trait.

Well, yes it is.  That and the fact that you live close to a Panera and can bring me an Asiago Cheese Bagel.

4) No one seems trainable; they never get work done as quickly or correctly as you like.

Well that's just because no one else is as awesome as I am.

So I answered the other questions and I have to confess - I think I am a workplace bully.  But then again, my freshman year psych teacher told me I shouldn't self diagnose.  Which may be wise words because when I took that test in my text book that said I was a sociopath I was a little upset.  And frightened.

~ The Office Scribe