Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Things I’ve Learned While Working

So this I am sitting at my computer, slowly scrolling through Craigslist, looking for an apartment and for once it is pretty quiet in the office and I realized something.

The clicking of me using the scrolling function on my mouse sounds just like a fishing line clicking out. More importantly, it sounds like when Jaws first started to take the line out and Quint silently gets ready by strapping to pole to himself.

So basically, for the rest of the afternoon, I will be playing Jaws at my desk. Perhaps I will not be acting it out, but I will definitely be in the movie studio of my mind, frantically yelling “We’re going to need a bigger boat” and pronouncing my a’s like a Kennedy.

The Office Scribe

Monday, January 28, 2008

Efficiency is the fuel of boredom

This might be my favorite title for a blog entry I have written yet.

Unfortunately I can’t quite come up with some really witty filler that will support the great title. This makes me unhappy.

I was trying to figure out a clever way of saying how I am so good at my job that I am generally done with everything by 2:00. But no matter how many different ways I tried to write that, it came out snobbish, and that isn’t me. And I tried. I really tried. Like I said, I was done with work and lunch by 2:00 today and have spent a good hour or so trying to be clever.

And you know what I learned? Trying to be clever does not work. You know what else doesn’t work? Giving your piece a title before you write it.

This used to drive me nuts when I was taking writing classes. My teachers would be like “What’s your piece called?” My answer was always something dumb and un-creative. My teachers would wrinkle their nose and I could see on their face that they know I didn’t put anytime into think of a decent title. I would try to explain to them how I preferred to give titles afterwards, like how someone was knighted after they proved themselves to the king. They never bought that.

To me, the title isn’t important. Sure, it is meant to give a hint about what the piece is about, but those tricky writers don’t like to follow logic. Hence the reason I end up going to see so many movies that I think are going to be awesome and they turn out horrible.

Which brings me to one of my most current fears: the title of the new Bond movie. I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but it’s ridiculous. So here it is:

Quantum of Solace

What the hell man? I don’t even know what that means. Daniel Craig said in a recent article that the title has to do with Bond figuring out what has gone wrong in his life. I think it means that Ian Flemming dropped the ball. When compared to such amazing Bond titles as “Thunderball”, “Moonraker”, and lest we forget “Octopussy” how are we suppose to get excited for a movie only 15% of the population can pronounce? Or which makes me think of high school algebra class (If x is 5, find the Quantum of Solace of the root of y)

So the lesson we have learned? Titles are important.

The other lesson? I am way too bored at work.
The Office Scribe

Friday, January 25, 2008

Friday Movie Suggestions!!!

Sometimes I like to watch weird movies. You know, ones with odd camera angles, spaceships made out of paper plates, possibly with subtitles.

But the weirdest movies that I love to watch come from David Lynch. You maybe thinking, why does that name sound familiar? Because from the twisted mind of David Lynch we got such gems as Blue Velvet, Lost Highway, and one of the best, albeit, short lived TV series ever, Twin Peaks.

But the movie that really leaves me scratching my head is Mulholland Drive. Seriously, I couldn’t even give you a synopsis of this movie if I tried. Someone on IMDb.com put this up:

“A bright-eyed young actress travels to Hollywood, only to be ensnared in a dark conspiracy involving a woman who was nearly murdered, and now has amnesia because of a car crash. Eventually, both women are pulled into a psychotic illusion involving a dangerous blue box, a director named Adam Kesher, and the mysterious night club Silencio.”

Yeah, it doesn’t really help.

There are web pages dedicated to trying to figure out the plot/point of this movie. I saw it when it came out on video at the suggestion of a friend who knew I like David Lynch and could maybe figure it out for him. After nearly 6 years and actually owning the movie, I am no closer to having any idea what it is about.

But I love it. I think because I can’t figure it out. I like to think of this movie like a Magic Eye picture. I figure if I eventually stare at it long enough eventually I will see the “schooner”. (Get that movie reference???)

So if you can get past the random nudity, midgets, odd Spanish singing, and Naiomi Watts acting you might just leave with a new found respect for the work of David Lynch and the all consuming quest to figure out what he was trying to say!

The Office Scribe

P.S. If you can explain this movie, post a comment or send me an e-mail.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Funny Website

This one comes from Dan.


This site made me laugh because the photos look like guys I went to high school and college with and the comments are really clever!

More Dangerous Than A Pit Of Snakes

When I was a kid I didn’t think there was anything more vanilla than working in an office. Sitting at a desk, typing away at a computer, sipping coffee, Xeroxing things. So I swore I would never work in an office. I wanted adventure. I wanted excitement. I wanted, dare I say, danger?

So in high school I started working at a local meat market. It was awesome. I was constantly surrounded by sharp objects. Slippery knife handles that were destined to claim a finger. Whirring band saws that could cut through a side of beef and your right arm if you weren’t careful. A puddle of blood on the wood floor that would send you soaring like an Olympic Ice Skater attempting to pull the dreaded Quad Lutz.

But in my ten years of working there, day in and day out, surrounded by hazardous conditions as defined by OSHA, I never once got an injury worse than a mild burn or a paper cut. I actually only but myself on a knife once and it bled for a mere 3 seconds and then didn’t bother me again.

So imagine my surprise when I ventured out into the corporate world and realized this: that working in an office in extremely dangerous to ones health.

Rarely does a day go by when someone doesn’t hurt themselves in some way around here. So I have compiled a list of the most common office related injuries so those who read this might have a chance to avoid them.

1) The Paper Cut
Paper cuts are never fun. But compared to the ones I used to get at the butcher shop, office paper cuts are a million times worse. Why? Because at the butcher shop I would get a tiny, super thin cut from the paper we used to wrap meat in. Here, I have sliced myself with a manila envelope, which leaves a mark similar to the slashing claw of a Velociraptor.

2) The Knee Slam
One of the woman who sits near me once slammed her knee so hard into the side of her desk that she thought she was going to pass out from the pain. Seriously, what do office designers think will happen when you shove a workers legs under a desk and give them a swivel chair?

3) The Shocker
The other day I thought one of my childhood dreams had come true. It turns out that I was not developing super powers, it was just really dry in the office and from trudging back and forth across the carpet ump-teen times a day the bolts of what I thought were lighting shooting from my finger tips were instead static. That day I shocked myself, a co-worker, my boss, and electronic chicken that when shaken peeps. I touched the file cabinet it was on, sent a shock through it and constantly set the chicken off. It was a loud day.

4) Fire crotch
No, this is not in reference to a certain color hair group but is the name I like to give the injury endured when one accidentally spills a mug full of scalding hot coffee into their lap. It is usually accompanied by a tribal like dance and hooting and hollering like a tractor enthusiast at the County Fair.

5) Blind Corners
My office was designed by either the guy who (A) created the Labyrinth where the mythical Minotaur ripped people to pieces –or- (B) came up with the ‘rat in a maze’ concept. Either way, there are blind corners everywhere, which means I have run into everyone from the President of the company down to the cute Hispanic guy who changes the light bulbs. This is extra dangerous if you are carrying a stack of manila folders (see Paper Cut) or a cup of coffee (see Fire Crotch).

6) Boxes
As a child you used them to create play houses and castles. You hid in them while playing hide and seek. You put them in your neighbors pool and used them like a boat. Little did you know one day that they would try and kill you. In my office boxes exist for one reason and one reason alone, to trip you. And when you trip, you most likely will fall onto something else and inflict more bodily injury.

7) The Tape Dispenser of Death
I have an average, black weighted tape dispenser (with a picture of a half walrus/half David Hasselhoff taped to it. Don’t ask.) And it hates me. Every time I rip off a piece of tape I slice myself on the cutting blade. Why is it so sharp? It’s mean to cut scotch tape, not carbide steel.

8) My Candy Dish
Okay, this is not a danger to me. Actually, I have the power to resist the candy. But my co-workers do not. And I am sure I will have a lawsuit brought against me when someone develops diabetes because I have 5 different kinds of Hershey Kisses at my desk which were too good to pass up.

9) Window Washers
This might be my over active imagination talking, but I am always afraid that the window washers are going to be a little too vigorous one day and smash the glass which will rain down upon me like a thousand tiny blades. It has yet to happen but I am sure it will one day.

10) Office Sounds
They haunt my dreams. The squeaking of the printer. The dull thud of a stapler. Constant clacking of keys from typing. I believe them to actually be more dangerous to my hearing than standing in front of the speakers at a Korn concert with Jonathan Davis alternating between screaming like a madman and playing the bagpipes for three hours straight.

Some of these can be cured by the box of Band Aids I keep in my desk drawer. Some require deep emotional and psychological counseling to recover from. Either way, I guess there is nothing to do except move forward (and try not to trip on the box).

The Office Scribe

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

New Years Resolution Update

Around the first of the year, like many people, I made some New Years Resolutions. And while most of them have already fallen by the wayside, I would like to point out that I have been semi-religious about cleaning out my coffee mug before I go home every night.

Now if the rest of the company can just follow my lead.

There is nothing more disturbing that going over to the sink in the coffee area and seeing it full of bowls still sticky with oatmeal from breakfast. It's 4:25PM.

I am at a loss at what to do. Notes have been posted. E-mails sent. Hell, the group in charge of cleaning once just chucked everything in the garbage.

But nothing works.

Anyone have any suggestions? I am not a super clean person but this has got to stop. Preferably before summer when the flies will come, spread disease, and make me get Madcow disease or something.

The Office Scribe

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Possibly The Greatest Website I Have Ever Found

So during a break from work I check my g-mail and find a message from one of my closest friends. It's about a dream, nay, a nightmare she had. And since we all know I have gypsy like powers when it comes to interpreting dreams, I thought I would give it a try.

In her dream she decided to get a tattoo. So she hauled me and some other friends down to the parlor and the guy suggested she get anaesthesia to cope with he pain. It was suppose to be a little tattoo. But when she woke up and saw our horrified looks, she knew something was wrong. Instead of the nice little Celtic knot on her hip her abdomen now sported the Notre Dame football stadium complete with "Touchdown Jesus".

After nearly choking on the water I was drinking as I read this I turned to where I go to get all my information: Google.

And after typing in "dreams" "tattoo" and "Touchdown Jesus" I was brought to this wonderful site that will now be in my daily "websites to read while I am bored at work" rotation.


Words can't describe how awesome this website is. As a former Catholic School student I had to fall to my knees and worship at the screen.

Seriously, you will not be disappointed with this website.

The Office Scribe

Monday, January 21, 2008

Current Score: Me – 0, Cold 5

Seriously, I have been sick since January 2. That is nearly three weeks of coughing, sneezing, being too cold, being too hot, more coughing, chills, dizziness, headaches, being thirsty, being too tired to stand, sleeping 10 hours a night, DayQuil/NyQuil, Zycam, Mucinex, Halls, Vick’s and every other medication under the sun.

That is one of the perks of working in an office. Being sick more often than not. And just when you think that you have rid yourself of one cold a co-worker/friend/relative gives you another version.

Someone asked my why I haven’t gone to the doctor yet. Why? So I can have them tell me I have a cold and to get lots of rest and plenty of fluids? There is no cure for the common cold, which quite frankly, pisses me off. We can send men to the moon. We can clone sheep and cows. We can invent pastries that stay fresh for 150 years. But can we develop a shot to make my cold go away? No.

The thing that upsets me the most about being sick is that all I want to do is sleep. Literally crawl under my desk after lunch each day and sleep until I can go home. Yesterday, I slept until about 9 or so, got up, did some laundry, worked on various writing projects, ate dinner and meant to go watch the Green Bay game at a bar with some friends. But after dinner I felt woozy so I laid down, passed out, and woke up somewhere in the middle of Bring It On 3: In It To Win It. (BTW: Thank you ABC Family Channel for making me think I had a stroke. There is nothing more terrifying than waking up in the middle of the failed straight to DVD cheerleading movie which takes place where Anna Nicole Smith died.)

Plus I have been super busy at work and have not actually had the time to read any of my guilty pleasure websites. Anyone out there know what Britney Spears did this weekend? How about Paris? And I heard Sundance started, how did I not know about that?

So my goal this week is to rid myself of this cold once and for all, read as many gossip websites as possible, get all the crap that is sitting in my inbox moved to my out box, and perhaps find some time to get to Best Buy and buy 3:10 to Yuma.

Take that cold!

The Office Scribe

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Today’s Presentation : How to not pass out during presentations

Can someone explain to me why the average temperature in the main conference room of my office building is roughly the same as the surface of the sun?

Usually when people go to work presentations they remember to bring a notepad and a pen. Not here. Not in my office. Here you have to first remove the cardigan that has been keeping you from getting frostbite at your desk. Then stop by the coffee bar and either fill up a Nalgeen bottle or grab your favorite flavor of Gatorade from the fridge. Anything to keep you hydrated.

Once you get in the room, make sure to grab a seat by the door. That way, when you can’t stand the heat you can, ahem, get out of the kitchen so to say.

The average length of a presentation around here is an hour. Usually it is accompanied by some sort of slide presentation or Power Point. Which means they turn the lights off. Which means that after the temperature starts to rise, it is much easier to fall asleep and miss 47 minutes of the presentation.

And that notepad you brought. Believe me, you are not using it to take notes. It’s become a hand fan that you are flicking back and forth as fast as possible, trying to move the stale air as it grows heavier and heavier before you pass out…

And the sweat. I can't even go into that.

So please, install a fan, make the chairs out of ice, do something! I don’t know if I can take it anymore.

The Office Scribe

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Post Lunch Fatigue

When I was a kid my least favorite time was nap time. All the other little children would roll out their little nap mats and zonk out for an hour or so. But not me. I was that little kid who would just lie there, basically twitching to get up and run around. My grandfather used to call me “The Mexican jumping bean” even though I was not Mexican but because I couldn’t sit still. When I first went to Disney World as a 5 year old my father convinced me I would never grow tired as long as I wore “magic shoes” which were really just some kick ass Rebok hightops.

But as I look back I wonder, where did that energy go? Take today for instance. I worked all the way until lunch, which we take at 1:30 because the lunch room isn’t as crowded then. I eat my soup and Baked Cheetos (so much better than the regular ones) come back to my desk and have done nothing productive since then except find a photo from the new Indiana Jones movie for a co-worker and attempt to track down a blank DVD for another. (I found the photo but am still waiting to hear about the DVD.)

I just have no energy. Sure I have been fighting a head cold for the past two weeks but I don’t think that is it. And sure I only got like three hours of sleep on Saturday night because my friends and I went out and had a few (read: many) drinks. But that can’t be it either. And I know I haven’t seen the sun because it is January in Chicago and I might be suffering from seasonal affect disorder. But seriously, that can’t be it either.

The cause of my stupor must be the Writer’s Strike.

And I am dead serious. I am all for the striking writers and I believe in the cause but the reality programming is starting to get to me. I go home at night and instead of seeing new episodes of The Office I am left trying to figure out why Wife A would think it was okay to only feed her children green food while Wife B is religiously opposed to all things green. Or why the young, trendy guy with the cowboy hat thought that was a good look to pull off on MTV. Or why Howie Mandell was rubbing some ladies fanny pack on a game show that is driven solely by people’s greed.

So producers, if you should find yourselves reading this, please give the writers their money. You’ve already lost the Golden Globes. How much more are you willing to give up? The Grammy’s? The Oscars? The Teen Choice Awards? Think about it. How will celebrities know that they have accomplished anything if they can’t accept a ginat surfboard on national TV?

The Office Scribe

Monday, January 14, 2008

Don’t forget to floss

A co-worker of mine recently commented on how people tend to use the company bathroom like it is their home bathroom. Namely, she has seen a rash of people brushing their teeth. First thought – Glad to hear people brush their teeth. Second thought – Eeeewwwwww.

Seriously, it the office bathroom the place where you would want to practice good dental care? It is not a really clean place. And this is not a slam on the building company. The little man who cleans the bathrooms, changes light bulbs, and shovels snow is one of my favorite people on earth. No matter what the man has a smile on his face and a happy little “hello” for anyone that crosses his path. It takes all the strength I have to not stop and hug the man, which is a huge thing because I am not a huggy person.

Anyway, the bathroom here is at the office is, well, kind of gross. It always seems wet. Comedian Dane Cook once said public bathrooms look like a big, wet dog just shook off in there. I couldn’t agree more. There is water all over the counters and on the floor. Do these people have a problem keeping the water in the sink at home? Are they such avid hand washers that they revert to their childhood and splash like they are in a shallow pool?

And the toilets. We have those fancy auto-flush toilets that always seem to flush 27 times before you have even sat down but afterwards you have to push the button because it won’t. What I don’t understand is why don’t people ensure that the toilet is in the same condition as when they used it? Again I ask, is this something they do at home? While these women yell at their husbands and boyfriends about nor lowering the seat do they get yelled at for not flushing?

Which brings me to another issue: paper towels. Yes, we have paper towels in our bathroom. (We also have hand dryers but seriously, those have never and will never dry anyone’s hands as well as paper towels.) But why can’t people throw them into the garbage can? It’s located right below the paper tower dispenser. Seriously, it is like 8 inches from point A to point B. So why are the towels always on the floor, counter, toilet(?) or being carried out by the person, who leaves the bathroom still wiping their hands?

So while I have not seen these mystery tooth-brushing femmes I will have to keep my eye out for them. Kind of them same way I keep watching for the gremlin that steals socks from my dryer.

The Office Scribe

Friday, January 11, 2008

Weekend Movie Suggestion # 1

Tired of having to be gone from the office for the weekend? Wish you could spend these days listening to co-workers complain, the printer make weird noises, and the coffee bake to the bottom of the pot? Well, I have come up with a solution. Every Friday I am going to post my:

work-related movie pick for people to watch while their away from the office but will make them feel like they are right back there!

Okay, that is a little wordy, so we’ll just refer to it from here on as Weekend Movie Suggestions. And without further ado, I present…

Weekend Movie Suggestion #1 – Clerks

At some point in everyone’s life they will work retail, whether is be at a the local Wal-Mart as a teenager, bagging groceries at the Jewel, or selling lottery tickers at the gas station. What I’m getting at is at some time in your life, you will be a clerk. And that is why you will be able to identify with this movie.

The basic plot is two guys (Dante and Randal) who work at a convenience store and video store spend one day dwelling on the finer aspects of their jobs and dealing with idiotic customers. It’s all in black and white and introduces two of the most iconic screen characters since Abbott and Costello met the mummy. Their names?

Jay and Silent Bob.

Other reasons it is a perfect weekend flick? Randal is a personal hero of mine. He is comfortable with his job and has no urge to leave it, but hates it with every bone in his body. His dialogue is sharp and cutting, filthy and perverted. From spitting on customers to renting hermaphroditic porn, he makes all us former clerks wish we could go back and do our jobs all over again.

This movie is responsible for the cult following that is devoted to Kevin Smith to this day and spawned a sequel, comic series and cartoon.

I guarantee you’ll like it or your money back*

Rated R - for extensive use of extremely explicit sex-related dialogue
Directed by: Kevin Smith
Starring: Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Can’t Commit To The Committee

I am sure every office has them. A group of people who meet like once a month and make some sort of a decision. Around here, they are called committees. I am currently on two committees and for me, that is one too many.

The first committee, of which I am a founding member, is the Fun Committee and yes, it is fun. I love it. Sure, it is a lot of work but we get to make the office a little nicer place by having lunches and raffles and we have a fun bulletin board. I am in charge of decorating the bulletin board each month. This basically means that I get to have kindergarten craft time and get paid for it. No joke. On Monday I spent two hours cutting a pastoral scene out of construction paper, complete with barns, blue sky, and cows. (This month’s theme is “Moooooving Into The New Year”).

The second committee, of which I am only a member because I was strong-armed into it, is Computer Systems Rep Committee. And yes, it sounds about as fun as the name. We only meet once a month but when I see that pop up on my Outlook calendar, I cringe. No one likes these meetings. There is a rep from every department and the only way to get off of the committee is to (A) move to another department where there is already a rep, or (B) Die.

I am this close to choosing option B.

For a while it was great because I traded off with another guy so we only had to go six times a year. But last week he moved to another department which already has a rep. He chose option A. And I hate him for it.

So today at 3:00 PM I have to trudge off to a tiny little meeting room and hear people vent about problems with our computer system. The only problem I have is that it sucks, but when I said this, I was told it would cost too much to fix that problem. This is the answer to every problem someone brings up. I often wonder, as I am wiping the slack-jaw drool from my mouth, why this committee even exists.

My goal, before next month’s meeting, is to figure out a way to break up with the Computer Systems Rep Committee. I need to explain how I don’t have time for two committees. That it isn’t fair for me to be wasting it’s time when we really don’t belong together. I promise I will let it down easy.

Maybe I’ll take it out to dinner first.

The Office Scribe

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

DayQuil – How I love thee, let me count the ways

So I know I have mentioned about how I am suffering from an uber-cold. I actually thought I was getting better but I had a relapse last night and now I can’t breathe out of the right side of my nose and I sound like a phone sex operator. I am sure my co-workers really appreciate me coughing like I have “the black lung” and blowing my nose every 15 minutes. But hey, it’s a cold. How much longer can it last? (On second thought, don’t answer that.)

But I am not the only person in my office who is sick. There are a lot of them. I see other people with puffy, watery eyes and I can hear the coughing all around me. So why I am the only one that seems to be doing something about it? I am taking shots (30ml) of DayQuil like every 4 hours, just like the label says to. I do it by the sink in the coffee bar so I can chase it with some double brew and rinse the little cup out before returning to my desk. But it doesn’t seem like anyone else in my office is taking anything.

Why? I wonder. There are wonderful medicines out there that will make you feel better. My personal favorite is the regimen of DayQuil and NyQuil. These orange and green super medicines give me the ability actually get things done during the day instead of just crawling under my fleece blanket and crying because I can’t breathe. And let’s be serious, there is no better sleep than that which is induced by NyQuil. I sleep the dreamless sleep of a thousand homeless people when I am on that stuff.

So the next time a co-worker has the sniffles I think I am just going to put a couple soft gels on their desk 9much neater that a shot of the liquid) and spread the relief from cold and flu season. Maybe they will give me an award.

Happy hacking!

The Office Scribe

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Office Superlatives

As an avid movie fan I am always a bit tickled when it comes to awards season. That is what I am a bit bummed to find out that my favorites might be canceled this year due to the ongoing writers strike.

But don’t get me wrong. I am right there with my pen and pencil brothers and sisters. You keep striking until those nasty producers give you your money.

But as I was saying, I love award ceremonies. A few years back my mom and some friends and I even went and sat in the bleachers at the Golden Globes. I can probably say I am one of the few people who has slept in the Beverly Hills Hilton, the lobby, not in a room.

So it got me to thinking, should we have an awards show here in my office? Something along the line of “The Dundies” on the TV show The Office?

Of course we always have an employee of the year. That goes without saying. And I think someone each month gets a special parking spot but I don’t know how they get it or where the parking spot is actually located. For all I know it is across the highway and on the top of a parking deck.

Actually, the more I think about it the awards here would be pretty depressing. I don’t think we’d be allowed to award such things as: “Ugliest Shoes”, “Lowest Neckline”, or “Loud Pee-er”. I mean, let’s face it, no one is interested in the nice awards. Who cares if someone wins “Cleanest Desk”? We all want to know who would win “Spends Too Much Time In Bosses Office”.

What do you think? I know a lot of you who read this work in an office. What would you nominate your co-workers for? Leave me a comment. It’s up to you to make me smile this time on this rough day!

The Office Scribe

Monday, January 7, 2008

Water Cooler Chat 2008: American Gladiators

Most of the time Mondays around my office are slow. No one is really in gear after the weekend and they aren’t too concerned with getting work done because there are a whole ‘nother 4 days to get that all taken care of. So what do we do on Mondays then?

Talk about the weekend. Where we went. What we did. And most importantly, what we watched on TV. Which brings me to the ultimate water cooler conversation of all times:

American Gladiators

Talk about bringing all us 20-30 year olds back to our childhood. Who doesn’t have memories of body slamming a sibling and telling your mom “It’s okay, we’re playing American Gladiators”? Or throwing tennis balls as hard as you can at you neighbors dogs all under the guise of playing “assault”?

I am sure I won't be this excited again until the "ThunderCats" movie comes out!

Last night I curled up on the couch with a shot of DayQuil and my fleece blanket and watched 2 full hours of spandex clad glory hosted by Hulk Hogan (another childhood icon) and that chick from Dancing with the Stars who boxes or whatever.

And you know what the best part was? Aside from that dude who looks like a roadie for Metalicca or that someone ended up on crutches and another was bleeding, the ref is the same f&*(^#@ ref from when I was a kid. Sure, it now looks like he swallowed a toddler but there he was, in all his zebra authority, telling contestants not to throw punches and Gladiators to back off.

Other highlights include the guy who missed being on AG 14 years ago and got onto it last night only to have his ass handed to him on the pyramid, moving the hand bike to the middle of the Eliminator and watching the contestants drop off them because they were so exhausted, the barrel roll, and the lack of a fanny pack being worn by Hulk Hogan.

I am upset that I will be missing tonight’s episode but I guess going to dinner with my mom for her birthday is reason enough.

The Office Scribe

P.S. Happy Birthday to Mom and Maggie!!!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

If I’m looking at my computer I must be busy

These few days right after New Year’s are killing me. Not only am I coming down with my right-of-passage head cold, dealing with incompetent people at the body shop, and having my co-worker think I am a gypsy that can interpret his dreams, but it is so slow in my office I want to run away. Far away. In the cold. I don’t care.

A lot of people still seem to be out of the office or on vacation and no one is calling/e-mailing me. I think over the past two days I have actually done about four hours of work. And it is not like I am a lazy person. I like to be busy. I’m that crazy person that when things slow down will reorganize files or clean my desk. The only problem is that I have cleaned my desk so often that I think I am starting to take the finish off.

But I can’t let my boss see me looking bored. So aside from updating this blog I have concocted a loose schedule of how to keep me looking busy throughout the day.

If you don’t know Craigslist then you don’t know life. It’ is like eBay without the class. It can provide people with endless hours of free entertainment. My favorite sections are the Rants and Raves where the most degenerate people in the world post their thoughts (yours truly included), Missed Connections where the guy with the Mac laptop thought the girl with the nose ring made googley eyes at him, or Wanted where people before Christmas believe someone out there would sell them a brand new Nintendo Wii for $60.00 and a jar of metric measurement hex bolts.

TMZ.com and/or perezhilton.com
These sites are personally the best way to find out how many court appearances Britney Spears has missed or which Disney star is showing up naked on the internet this week. Yes, it is completely self indulgent and rarely has any real news-content but I love it.

Love the above websites? Can’t leave a super market checkout without buying OK! Magazine or the newest issue of people? Do you run home from work and put on E! before the evening news? Then this site is for you. It allows you to build a celebrity fantasy team (much like baseball) and compete against your friends to see who can get the most points during a “season”. It allows you to feel like you are putting all that useless knowledge to some sort of use.

Yes I am in my 20’s. Yes I went to college. Yes I think MySpace sucks. So of course I have a facebook account. How else would I be able to keep track (at a safe distance) of people’s romantic status’ or play The Office Trivia? (BTW I am ranked # 18 out of like 100,000 people. Yeah, I am that cool.)

Sometimes you just have to get up and walk around. I like to visit people in other departments. This is made much easier if I just carry a file folder with me and maybe a pen. People will not question what you are doing if you have a handy office supply to make it look like you are on a mission.

Check E-Mail
I have no idea why but I have like 7 different e-mail accounts that I use for very specific purposes. It takes me a good 30 minutes to check them all.

I am sure next week things will pick up around here. Wait, strike that. I am praying that next week things pick up around here. I think I’m developing carpel tunnel from all this clicking.

But just in case, anyone have any websites they like? Always looking for suggestions.

The Office Scribe

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

It's January 2 - Why do you still smell like alcohol?

It’s officially a new year in my office and everyone is ready to start out on a high note. Files are getting organized, desk drawers are being cleaned out and the sweet aroma of Sweet Pea mixed with grain alcohol drifts about like an antiseptic cloud.

Apparently my co-workers did not ingest as much alcohol as I did on New Year’s Eve and feel the need to protect themselves from the dangers of the sniffles by constantly applying alcohol based hand sanitizer every time they touch a new surface. I think I have mentioned my overall hatred of this substance before but I would like to address it again.

Never have I known so many sick people as I have since the invention of waterless hand sanitizer. Nor have I ever met so many people who were fearful of getting a head cold since I started working at this office. I don’t mind the head cold. It’s like an annual right of passage. Plus while suffering from one I get the best sleep of my life due to a little friend I like to call NyQuil or Green Legal Como Syrup.

Remember when it was good enough to just wash your hands? Sadly I believe those days are long gone.

Now hand sanitizer has its place. And that place is outside of Port-A-Johns at summer concerts and festivals.

The Office Scribe