Monday, August 31, 2009

Manic Monday - The "Is Summer Over?" Edition

Though most commonly marked by Labor Day, summer seems to have decided to give up early and let fall take up residence as the current season in Chicago.  Which by my calculations means winter should be here in early October.

I can deal with cool weather.  I like fleeces and sweatshirts and comfy clothes.  But when my arse started going numb as I sat at the company picnic because the metal picnic table was the same temperature as a freezer shelf I decided maybe it was time to call it a night.

You know the perfect way to start a cool Monday morning?  Consume a healthy, balance breakfast of Apple Cider Donuts that you purchased at the orchard this weekend.  Like the chips at Ballydoyle Pub, I am pretty sure these were sprinkled with crack too.

I had to wear a jacket to work today.  A jacket!  In August!  Of course as soon as I reached my cubicle I flung it off because it was near 100 degrees inside the office.  But still, there is hung all day on the back of my chair.  Because I am too lazy to hang it in the closet which is a whopping 10 feet from my desk and if I hang it there I know I will forget it.

I made the official 2010 department calendar today so people can start planning their vacations for next year.  And that is something people start doing when summertime is over the the thought of a long winter in the cubicles starts to drive them mad.

People around here have pretty much given up on the Sox and the Cubs and all sports related chit chat is now about the Bears.  If I wear my Urlacher jersey on Friday is that too soon?

And the last reason I know that summer is over is that in my candy dish right now someone has dumped an entire bag of those orange and black wrapped Mary Jane peanut butter candies which only come out in the fall.  Love them or hate them you have to admit that pretty much means summer is over.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Personally I Blame Kate Beckinsdale

Sometimes when there is no one to answer phones at the company I find myself up at the front desk directing calls.  Generally it is pretty simple.  Most of the time is spent doing the following:

1) Answer Call
2) Transfer Call

When no one is on the phone I either do actual work or more often just catch up on the days news.  Today, though, something happened which has never happened before.

A currier came in with several packages for someone.  A normal person would just sign for them and eventually call the co-worker to come and pickup the package the next time they passed through reception.

But I am not a normal person.  I am a person who has currently rated over 1600 on Netflix which means I have seen WWWAAAYYY too many movies.

And the reason I won't sign for packages that aren't for me or that I don't know the contents of is because of the movie Broken Down Palace*.  Never seen it?  Oh, let me give you a brief little description:  Two girls go on vacation in Thailand.  They agree to carry a package for a stranger.  SPOILER ALERT:  The package contained drugs.  They got caught and ended up in a Thai prison.

So sorry to all UPS, FedEx, Postmen, DHL, or bike messengers.  You will have to wait while I call the person the package was intended for up to the front desk 'cause I ain't signing for it.

~ The Office Scribe

*  You could also substitute Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason but it doesn't provide as negative a look at a Thai woman's prison because as long as you wear a bra and know Madonna you will okay in that scenario because a cure British barrister will save you and you won't have to depend on the president from Independence Day.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Results Are In: The Frosting Poll

The most interesting thing about the results of this poll is freaky math used by Blogger polls.  You will see what I mean when you read the results:

Do You Like Frosting? - 26 Votes Total

Yes, It's the Best Part of the Cake - 14 Votes (53%)
No, It Tastes Like Wallpaper Paste - 2 Votes (7%)
Yes, But Only of it's Cream Cheese - 10 Votes (38%)
No, My Diabetes Won't Let Me - 0 Votes (0%)

Can you spot the wonky math?

Since when did 53+7+38 = 100?

It doesn't.  Where's the missing 2%?

I'll give someone a cookie if they can figure it out...

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 24, 2009

Manic Monday #12

To the Person Who Keeps Commenting On the Manic Monday Posts In An Asian Language I Can't Read: Please start using a language I can understand.  Or at least an alphabet I can understand.

I decided today that since I could write my name in the dust behind my computer it might be time to dust my desk off.  Half a roll of paper towels and the semi-sweet lime smell of Simple Green and my desk actually looked beige again.  Of course the fumes from the Simple Green made me woozy and I don't remember the two hours that followed.

Thanks to everyone that told me that I looked tired today.  That's because I was.  

Sometimes I go to lunch around 12:30 and there isn't a free table.  Other times, like today, my co-worker and I were the only two people in there.  Where do those other people eat lunch on non crowded days.  Did I miss a memo about free lunches or a secret club?

I have three bobble heads on my desk of real people.  I think if when I become famous and they decided to make a bobble head of me I would be weirded out thinking about me sitting on the desk of random people.  And I would always be agreeing with them because of the bobble nature.

NetFlix recommended "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a movie I might enjoy.  While it's true i do enjoy that flick I tend to not be in the mood for it August

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, August 21, 2009

Aww Dammit!

So I worked until 6 today.  I thought all day about the overly snarky post I would write tonight.  About how I hate working until 6 on Fridays.  About how jealous I am of the people on another floor who only work half days.  About how I envied my friend who has the day off and spent it catching up on True Blood.

As I left work I was still in a mood, large fat drops of rain falling from the heavens dampening not only the ground but my spirits.

But then I looked up from my car on the parking deck and damn if there wasn't a brilliant rainbow arching its way across the sky.

Sometimes it's the little things that can erase an entire day of insanity.

Have a good weekend!

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dear Life, Please Don't End While I'm At Work

I don't have many fears in life.  It's not that I am overly brave.  It's more like I just don't care enough to be bothered.  Why freak out about a spider on the ceiling when one good whack with a flip flop can take of it?  

So aside from candy corn and down escalators my only real fear is of tornados.  I guess it call all be traced back to when I was 7 or 8 and freaked out during a tornado because I saw garbage cans blowing about like that stupid bag from American Beauty.  Or perhaps it has something to do with people turning into witches and midgets with candy.  Who knows.

Lately in Chicago we have been having some wacky weather.  The other night some tornados swept thought the midwest and just hearing about it gave me the chills.  I haven't had to head into the bathroom (the only room in my apartment sans windows) quite yet but last year the tornado sirens shagged us out of the office and into the basement at the office.  

There is nothing quite like being in the basement of an office building with 150 of your co-workers when there is impending doom.  I mean, as much as I adore my co-workers I don't really want to spend my last moments on earth with them before our ugly pink office building crashes down upon us.

There are places I would rather spend my last minutes.  Such as on a roller coaster (they said that last drop was a doosy!) or perhaps in the arms of Alexander Skarsgard (did you see True Blood last Sunday?).

Maybe I should just relax and fret over the most common dangers in the office - manilla envelope paper cuts and getting hit in the face by the bathroom door.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Sugar and Salt Diet

Who says there are four food groups?  In my office these days there only seems to be two things that a person needs to survive:  Sugar and salt.

Sugar is mainly consumed in the following forms:

- Candy from the candy shoebox on my desk
- Mountain Dew 
- Candy from the giant bag in HR
- Cupcakes
- Candy from front desk
- Birthday cookies
I have seen more Tootsie Rolls eaten in the past month than in the previous 27 years of my life.

Salt is mainly consumed in the following forms:

- Pretzels from the container from Menards (seriously - the best pretzels in the world)
- Fritos
- Potato Chips
- Morton Salt Pellets for your water softener
- Barnyard Salt licks

The greatest invention we have found is the chocolate covered pretzel or salted carmels.

Why this strange diet?

It is what is eaten when people are too busy to take a proper lunch, have headaches due to the weather, and have to answer illogical questions.

When we have a coronary/diabetic attack no one should be surprised.

~ The Office Scribe

Don't like this diet?  I accept salads by mail.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Results Are In: The Drug Test Poll

Hmm, who knew so many goodie two-shoes read this blog?  Only 3 out of 22 people who voted admitted to taking drugs.  Though I have to say, admitting to smoking pot is like admitting to driving over the speed limit - most people have done it so it isn't that scandalous.

Here are the results:

Yes - Just Say No - 19 votes
No - Just Say Yes - 0 Votes
Yes - Pot Is Legal, Right? - 3 votes
No - Zoloft Counts, Right? - 0 votes

This weeks poll is the result of me consuming too much frosting as I baked cupcakes for a friends wedding.  So excuse the sugar jitters and just vote.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ball of Confusion

Well at least the lyrics "People moving out" are correct...

I have to apologize for not writing a lot lately.  Things have been (hmm, what's the best word?  Let's go with *chaotic*) at work lately.  I haven't had much time or energy to blog lately.  And I assumed you guys would get sick of day after day reading "worked late because so-and-so is leaving for vacation today" or "papers piling up on my desk.  When can I retire?"

In addition to crazy time in cubicle land I spent the last two weeks trying to purchase a car.  (No, not a Cash For Clunkers thing.)  I don't know why trying to give someone thousands os dollars is so difficult.  Last night I finally made the purchase of a Jeep Liberty (used, cause I am practical like that).

Oh, and did I mention that I have two weddings this weekend, one on Saturday and one on Sunday?  And for the one on Sunday I am honored with the task of making 100 cupcakes and a small center cake to (a) make money so I can afford my car and (b) try and get this baking business going so I can, well, see reason (a).

I did the smart thing and took the day off tomorrow to run errands and bake, though I will be at the office for a bit tomorrow because my boss is in dire need of a cupcake.  (Yes, I am that super of an employee!)

Once things settle down, most likely in October, I will find more hilarious things to write about working in an office.

Until then just smell some of those new school supplies you are buy and let the fumes from the rubber cement take you to a happy place.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 10, 2009

Manic Monday #11

When did Starbucks start hiring fetuses to be baristas?  The girl that made my Iced Venti Quad Nonfat Latte could not have been more than 13 years old.  What makes me think that?  The braces with multi-colored rubber bands and her commanding use of the word "Um..."

Yes, I was limping at work today.  And I wish I had a better story to accompany it like "I was kicking a mugger who was trying to steal and old lady's purse" or "A giant anteater stepped on it while I was traversing South America" because both of those are better than "I screwed it up carrying a table during my family party".

As we found out at work today a calculator doesn't do much go when the number five stops working.

I was sitting at my desk today and I kept thinking of all these interesting things that would happen and how they would make good entries for Manic Monday.  And while I usually makes notes of them as they occur I was too busy to do so today.  Serves me right I guess, because I can't think of one interesting thing that happened...

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Goodbye, Strike That...Hello Again

I had an entire, elaborate post constructed in my mind regarding getting rid of my Kia Sportage and purchasing my new car.  See, I test drove a car on Friday and called the dealership on Saturday morning and told them to put the car on hold, I would be there Tuesday (Monday's are too busy) to sign the paperwork and hand over a sizeable chunk of money.

But I think that post is going to have to wait.  Why?


Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Apparently the owner didn't honor the car salesman code and went and sold the car Saturday night.  When my salesman came into work and found out, he had the happy job of telling me that my car, which I was all ready to purchase today, was sold out from underneath me.

To all the salesmen out there - That is not how you do business.  It is never good to piss off a potential customer.  It is even worse to piss off a potential customer with a blog and a somewhat decent following.

But I will take the high road and not bash the dealership - why?  Because they are still looking for a car for me.  So if they find me some amazing car that is in my price range they may be forgiven.  If not, then check back here in a few days and find out where you shouldn't buy a car if you live in Chicago.

~ The Office Scribe

Sorry about the foul language.  I have been in a mood all day.  Even a Jimmy John's lunch and the offer of a stapler to throw haven't made me feel better.

Oh, and did I mention a co-worker who doesn't even read my blog showed up in a brown shirt today?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Manic Monday #10

Sometimes I worry about the employees at my company developing a collective conscious because we spend too much time together.  Then I laugh off that absurd idea.  Until days like today where about half the people in the office were wearing green shirts, myself included.  Tomorrow I think I will wear a brown shirt and test this theory out.

There is nothing else on earth that smells like a BandAid.

If you don't call until the end of the day why are you surprised when the person you are trying to reach is no longer there.  People do not often just sit around waiting for you to call.

People who go to the bathroom at the same time everyday are a mystery to me.  How can your life be that scheduled?  Do you follow this routine at home on the weekends or does it just apply to the office?

Thanks to a co-worker I've had various Beatles songs stuck in my head today.  But I guess it could be worse.  I had a conversation about Beyonce today.

Seriously, what is that beeping?  It isn't happening enough for it to be something low on batteries so what is it?  Robots?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Results Are In: Should My Friend Stubbs Get A Mullet?

I just realized that I never published the results of what to date has been my largest poll ever. Well, largest in the number of votes tallied (41). I guess mullets are what draws people to vote. Perhaps politicians should take note of this?

The Results:

Yes - 25 Votes

No - 6 Votes

You Are A Horrible Friend - 10 Votes

I could have put money on "Yes" being the winner in this poll, but I have to admit that I am a little hurt to see that so many of you thought just by posting this poll I was a horrible friend. I am an amazing friend. The kind of friend that won't jump off a birdge into an unknown depth of water until she lets a friend have the honor of doing it first...

But sadly I also have to report that Stubbs will not be getting the mullet. Something about having to be in people's weddings and the brides being upset about her new "busines in the front party in the back" 'do.

Maybe we can just get her really drunk at the reception and convincer her to let us do it while the wedding band plays something by Billy Ray Cyrus. (Ha! Something, like the guy had more than one song...)

~ The Office Scribe