Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Things You Shouldn't Huff At Work

Sure, some people (me!) absolutely adore the smell of permanent markers.  But a few too many whiff and that light headed feeling might make you forget that you have that meeting with the president after lunch.

Rubber Cement
The only reason you should huff this at work is, if you work at a place where there is rubber cement, there is a chance there are children around.  Kids are hard enough to deal with when you have a clear head, never mind adhesive haze.

Other People's Lunches
If it looks like it smells bad, chances are it does.  Don't feel the need to prove it.

~ The Office Scribe

*Sorry, it's been a long week at work already.  My mind is going towards the weird.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Manic Monday #37

So I was pretty sure I was going to come home today and find that I had been robbed.  Why?  Because when the guys installing new carpet in the hallway warned me about coming home during the day and possibly not being able to get in because of the glue and such, I said "Aw, don't worry, I won't be home until at least 7 tonight."  Yeah, I told two strangers with access to my apartment building exactly how long I was going to be gone.  I never said I was smart, especially on Mondays.

I get so much more done at work after regular business hours.  This can either be attributed to the fact that the phones are quiet but it is more likely due to my coworkers and I yelling jokes over the cubicle walls at each other. Jokes inspire people, especially the off color ones!

I actually yelled "There's no crying at the office" at one of my coworkers today.

I have an ever growing collection of "Do Not Disturb" door hangers that people have brought me from their travels.  They are all currently turned to the "Do Not Disturb" side, though it doesn't seem to be working, because people are always in my cubicle.  Perhaps I should turn it to the "Please Make Up Room" to see if anyone will clean my cubicle.

If you are going to use the photocopiers at the office to make copies of sensitive documents, make sure you remove these from the copier (right Tyler Durden?)  Because there are people out there who aren't as kind as I am and instead of just putting the paper back in your cubicle, they may have scanned it and sent it to the entire office.

You know how I know it's fall?  I've switched from coffee to tea.  Lots and lots of tea.  Basically, I am trying to go for a world record in tea consumption.  

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, September 23, 2010

By Definition, You Are All Weird

Since I don't make six figures at my current job, I do odd jobs here and there so I can afford the lifestyle to which I am accustomed to (food, shelter, HBO). My favorite odd job is baking cakes and cupcakes for those who are willing to pay me.  I'm no Ace of Cakes, but I consider my creations a bit more creative than a sheet cake from Costo.

So this morning I brought in a dozen cupcakes that one of my coworkers ordered.  And because my amazing frosting needs to be refrigerated, I stopped to drop the box off in the fridge in the lunch room.

That's where I ran into a problem - The fridge was almost completely full.

And you know what was taking up over 50% of the space?

Insulated lunch bags.

That's right, the space age technology which be definition keeps your food cold for 3 - 5 hours until you are ready to eat your lunch.

So why are they all in the fridge?

I have no idea.  But I am open to suggestions...

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 20, 2010

Manic Monday #36

In the midst of explaining to a co-worker that I have cut myself more while working in an office than I did during my entire 9+ year tenure as a butcher, I sliced open the back of my hand on a cardboard box. Hello karma!

My non-committal response of the day was a shrug

We just started using bubble wrap at the office for shipping.  It takes every ounce of strength that I have to not sit there and pop every sheet of bubble wrap at my desk.  I assume my co-workers appreciate my fortitude in abstaining from such an activity.

I had the song "Tik Tok" stuck in my head all day. I guess that what's I get for watching Music Video parodies on YouTube before I go to sleep.

Did you know "Vă rugăm să ajute, clientul meu se pierde în ţara dumneavoastră şi a devenit un vampir" is Romanian for "Please help, my client is lost in your country and has become a vampire"?  Because it does.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A Scientific Study

Though I obtained a degree in creative writing from an institute of higher learning, that does not mean that I do not occasionally express an interest in those topics outside of being creative or writing. Take today for example.  I decided to embark on my own little science experiment to see if I could answer a questions which has been nagging me lately...

Does what a person wears affect their productivity?

So I broke out something I like to call The Scientific Method and put my query though it's paces.

Step One: Observation

Over the past 4 years of my life I have been working in a typical office.  Cubicles. Bad lighting. Lack of fresh air. And Casual Fridays.  To this day I don't understand why we have to dress up to do what we do, but alas, HR will only let us don jeans and sports jerseys on the last day we are in the office.  I took to looking around on Fridays to see if people were less productive, and if this could possible be the reason why we weren't allowed to wear jeans every day of the week.

Step Two: Hypothesis

To the layman (or people who have forgotten about 4th grade earth science class), a hypothesis is an educated guess about the outcome of the experiment you are about to partake in.  Basically it's the scientific equivalent to a gypsy telling you your fortune.  But without the massive amounts of gold jewelry and the crystal ball.  In this instance, my hypothesis is:

What people wear will not affect how productive people are on any given day.

Step Three: Method

When I was in school, this was my least favorite part because you had to explain the experiment.  I would rather people just trust my conclusion, but since teachers like you to show your work, I will.

To conduct this experiment I spent a major part of my Sunday in sweatpants and a tank top.  I then set about making my apartment look less like the hovel of a homeless person and more like the home of a twenty-something person who didn't want to fear inviting people over.  

Step Four: Results

During my time rocking uber casual clothing, I was able to get all my laundry done, change my sheets, vacuum ever square inch of carpeting, water my plants, watch "Jaws", clean my kitchen, roast acorn squash for soup, and write a new blog post.

Step Five: Conclusion

My conclusion supports my hypothesis, of that what you wear has no affect on how productive you are. Basically, I get as much done (and chances are more done) when I am in non-binding clothing that I don't have to be afraid that I am going to muss up and therefore have to take to the cleaners.

To my fellow office workers, feel free to use this highly scientific data at your own office to possibly get the dress code changed.  Then report back to me as to how you succeeded.  

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

One Of Those Days

Someone needs to tell the world that I am only one person, and therefore can only handle so much work before I snap and trade in my padded cubicle for a padded cell.

But until that message goes through, I guess I will just have to muster up and deal.

And indulge in the occasional Peanut Butter M&M.

Because sometimes, the only cure is a Peanut Butter M&M.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 13, 2010

Manic Monday #35

I took my first sick day this year last Friday because I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a truck.  So I stayed at home and took it easy, hoping to start fresh today.  But when I got to work I was reminded why I don't take sick days... TOO MUCH WORK WAITING FOR MY RETURN!!!  And while I wasn't at work at all on Friday, I was there for an extra hour or so today.  Next time I won't use a sick day unless a limb is falling off!

There is not better way to start a Monday in the fall than with an Apple Cider Donut from the orchard.  All that cinnamon and sugar does not disappoint.

I had ordered some metal file holders for my department, but when I went to pick them up from the mail room they were gone.  After calling Shenanigans, I found out that someone in another department, who had ordered one, took my 5 in addition to hers.  I had to remind her that no matter how hard we clapped out hands, it does not bring in the Office Supply Fairy to life.

Fall is my favorite season.  I love being able to wear sweaters to work and sipping cocoa instead of my usual coffee.  What isn't cool though is the fact that I when I left work around 7:20 this even I had to use my car lights.  Oh sunlight, where have you gone?

We had a discussion about farts at work today.  God I love my co-workers (who are 90% female mind you!)

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, September 6, 2010

Manic Monday - Labor Day Weekend Edition

Just as I was sitting down to work on this blog post my mom called me into the great room to see something on TV.  As I walked into the room I couldn't help but glance outside at the sun as it set over the lake.  But my eye caught something else and I believe my exact words were "Oh dear Lord, what is that?"  My mom came up to join me in staring at what had to be the biggest spider I have ever seen outside captivity.  So I did what any true outdoors person would do - I sprayed the hell out of it with some Home Defense Max bug spray and proceeded to panic like a little girl.  Maybe someone needs to take my Girl Scout badges away.

Or, maybe someone needs to give me a badge for "Dead Animal Removal" because during this glorious long weekend at the family lake house, I have removed 3 dead birds from the back deck (just today) who decided to go kamakazee and end their lives by smashing into the houses giant windows. 

My mom and I went to go see the film "The American" this morning (holiday tradition) and I have to say, the best part of the movie was the Pumpkin Seed Brittle we bought last week from Williams Sonoma.  (Seriously people, skip the movie and spend the price of admission on the brittle!)

I cooked a massive ribeye steak tonight for dinner that was so rare and bloody on the inside that it was still mooing when I cut into it.  You people who insist on charing your meat beyond belief have no idea what you are missing out on.  (Like maybe what meat really tastes like...)  Oddly enough, a lot of people who I know like to order their meat well done have no problem with sushi, which really makes no sense...

Part of my weekend was spend unpacking boxes from our storage shed which haven't been opened in roughly my lifetime (i.e. 28 years) because of an impending garage sale. (BTW - It's always fun to see what fashions were popular in the newspapers from 1977 that are wrapped around the contents of the box.) Aside from finding a treasure trove of crap, we also found a treasure trove of mold, which I think I inhaled so much of I probably now have mushrooms growing in my lungs.  So when I keep over due to Shitake Syndrome no one should be surprised.

Saturday night I went to a party at a friend's house.  This is a house where I spent a good portion of my weekends in high school and college, but haven't been in for about 4 years.  Aside from some kitchen remodeling, the place was the same.  But just being in the house wasn't the biggest flashback of the night.  No, that went to getting a ride home from my friend's mom because I didn't have a car and had been drinking.  And yes, it was pretty awesome.

Happy Labor Day everyone!

~ The Office Scribe

Hot Siberia


It's been one of those weeks.  The kind of week that makes you long for a holiday weekend even though you know that during those three glorious days you are out of the office your time will be spent cleaning the garage and feeling as dirty as a homeless person while doing it.  But you still don't care because it means you won't be at work for 72 hours and sometimes that is glorious.

Last week I mentioned how on Wednesday I was going to have to pack all my crap up and move to a desk 3 spots away because of reorganization within my department.  Okay, whatever.  I hate moving mainly because my desk is chock full of non-work related items like a mini Darth Vader, Jim Thome bobblehead, and other assorted pieces of wonder that I have picked up along the way. 

So I started to mentally prepare myself for the move on Tuesday morning, figuring I would start to pack up my stuff and possibly even bring it over to my new home.  This plan was dashed however when one of the guys from IT asked if I would be ready to move that afternoon.

WHAT?  Did he not notice all the stuff at my desk? Did he not notice the look of panic in my eyes?  I needed to prepare for this.  I needed to have my mental shit together before I had to flee my homeland like a refugee for what I was told would be greener pastures.

My new pasture is not greener, mainly because though it is located in the corner of the office, it has to be about 15 degrees warmer than my old cubicle.  At first, my co-worker and I thought maybe we just thought it was warmer because of the physical act of moving.  Nope - over the next few days not only did I not have to use the ugly knobby cardigan I keep on the back of my desk - but I had to turn on the small old fan that I haven't touched since we moved into the new building oh 2 years ago.

Perhaps it will just take some getting used to.  Maybe before long I will think of the new cubicle as home.  But chances are, for the foreseeable future, I will just be calling it what it is, Hot Siberia.

~ The Office Scribe