Answers To Reader Submitted FAQ's - Round One

Well gentle readers, you asked and here are my answers.

Travis asked, "How many bites can you eat an 89 cent chicken burrito from Taco Bell in?"

Because I am committed to this blog and my readers, I actually went to a Taco Bell and bought an 89 cent chicken burrito.  And I did this sober.  Taco Bell and White Castle are two places I never purchase food from without any alcohol in me.  So you should be really impressed.

And the answer is 4.

Ed Adams asked a series of questions, such as, "What exactly is under your desk?  A pillow and blanket?  A cot?  Just hard linoleum?  Some rough indoor/outdoor office carpet?"

Good questions!  There is nothing comfortable under my desk.  I did not pimp it out or anything because, sadly, I think if I tried to sleep under there someone would notice.  But that doesn't mean there isn't anything under the desk.  Aside from a garbage can and recycling bin, there is a large empty popcorn tin, another garbage can turned over that I prop my feet up on, and a pair of moose hide moccasins I wear in the winter when I change out of my snow boots.

Oooh, and Ed had another question.  "How long does it take you to fall asleep?"

My father used to say my grandfather fell asleep before he even got his second shoe off at night.  My father was the same way.  Genetics would have you think I am similar to both of them, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  It can take me anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours to fall asleep at night.  When I was a kid, my parents would send me to bed but since I wouldn't sleep I would just pretend my bed was the wagon from Oregon Trail and my stuffed animals were passengers.  So yeah, I have been making stuff up since I was really little.

Paul Blanchard asked, "If a seven-foot cockroach asks me the way to Ipswich, should I tell him?"

If you run into a giant talking cockroach and aren't in a scene from the movie "Beetlejuice" you tell that SOB anything he wants to know.

Anonymous asks, "What is your favorite beverage on trivia night?"

Easiest question asked thus far.  I am partial to Black and Tans, which, for those of you who don't know,  is half Guinness and half Harp (or Bass, depending on the bar).  It is delicious and makes for a tasty beverage.

GS had the most questions to ask which means they are stalking me.  Question #1 was "Salad dressing on the side or in the salad?  Or no salad at all?

I love salads, though I am of the belief that the best ones are made by other people.  So I always eat a salad when I have the chance.  And I also like salad dressing ON the salad.  I think people who get the dressing on the side are trying to trick themselves into believing it is healthier, which as we all know, is a crock.

Question #2 "Deserted island items.  Pick 5, no food or beverages"

1) My Eddie Bauer edition Swiss Army Knife
2) A featherbed
3) The two directors chairs I got for my college graduation which read "Novelist" and "Screenwriter"
4) Case of Leinie's Red
5) My Darth Maul double-sided light saber which I carried everyday junior year of high school

Question #3 - A series of favorites

Movie:  I can't pick one.  But some of my favorites are The Shawshank Redemption, A Christmas Story, Silence of the Lambs, Ghostbusters, Twister, Die Hard, and a variety of others.  NetFlix is my friend.

Singer/Group:  The Who.  My mom made me watch Tommy when I was 4 and I have been a fan ever since.  And really screwed up.  Who shows that movie to a 4 year old???

Song: I am partial to "Where is My Mind" by The Pixies, "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight, and "Don't Stop Belivin'" by Journey

Book:  Devil in the White City by Erik Larson

And finally, Wes asked, "What do working in an office and being a butcher have in common?"

The both have coffee pots.

This was fun.  I'll make sure we do this again sometime!

~ The Office Scribe

The Results Are In" The Co Worker Christmas Present Poll

This weeks poll asked you readers if you purchase Christmas/Holiday presents for your co-workers.  And here are the results:

Yes : 6 Votes
No: 9 Votes

Aww, really to the 9 people who said "no"?  There's not one employee at your place of work that you feel deserves a little love in the shape a of Starbucks gift card or a Motivational Poster for Christmas?

I only plan on buying a present for one co-worker (I'll bake for the rest of them).  Which makes me think, what do you guys buy your co-workers if you are getting them a present?  I am looking for ideas.

~ The Office Scribe

I'll get a new poll and sit down and answer the FAQ's people have left me when I get home from seeing A Christmas Carol (stage production, not the movie) which means you have like 8 hours to get any last minute questions in.

F.A.Q.'s - Not Just There To Fill Blank Space

Go to practically any website nowadays and you'll find a list of Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q), which, for those of you who do not know, is a list of common questions asked about the content or product of the website.  It is the first place you should turn if you have a question.

Apparently people don't know about this rule though.

Which I fielded a boatload of dumb questions via phone at work today.

So, in order to prevent that on this blog, I am looking for questions.  Questions about me, this blog, or anything you have ever wanted to know the answer to.  I'll then compile the questions, answer them, and publish my own F.A.Q.'s.

Let the questioning begin!

~ The Office Scribe

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Ahh, the immortal lyrics as posed by The Clash.

Also the question most office employees find themselves asking when they start to see snow fall which will most likely effect their evening commute.

Most people seem to be in the "I should leave early" camp.  They see the snow start to fall and begin to ponder the ways that they might get out of work early.  Sometimes it is a legitimate reason, like they live far away or need to be home in time for something important.  Other times the reasons are a little bit suspect, such as that they need to get home because their Tivo isn't working.  And sometimes, they are just honest, saying they want to leave early.

Personally, I am of the other school of thought.  I believe that snowy commute is better if you just stay at work later.  Today, for example, I stayed at work until 6:20 PM and it took me about 25 minutes to get home.  Sometimes on a nice spring day it takes me longer to get home than that.  Sure, the roads were slushy and I couldn't go faster than 35 mph, but hell, there were fewer cars on the road and it was great.

Of course, it also helps that I drive a Jeep Liberty with 4 wheel drive that would allow me to drive over Everest if I wanted to.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - Good Friday Edition

Whoa.  Wait?  What?  Did I read that right?  Good Friday Edition?  Did I just wake up from a Rip Van Winkle-esque nap and find that I missed Christmas and skipped straight to Easter?

Nope.  You did in fact, read the title of this post correctly.  And no, you didn't fall asleep.  Today, even though it is Decemeber 7, is my Good Friday.  How is that possible?  Well, at the company I work for if you work Good Friday, you get what is refered to as a Comped Holiday for you to use anyother time of the year.  And seeing as how I worked Good Friday and was out of vacation days, I took today as a comped holiday in order to help my mom decorate her house for Christmas. (I know, I am an awesome daughter.  You should all be lucky to have children as cool as me.)

So today's Manic Monday is about the thoughts I had while I wasn't in the office but here, decoratig my mom's house and being awesome.

Christmas trees are beautiful.  My Christmas tree is beyond beautiful.  It takes 3 days to put up, stands at over 11 feet tall, and is covered in tinsel.  And you know the only thing that makes it even more amazing?  Three glasses of Pinot.  Who needs acid when you have moderately priced wine and holiday decorations.

Whenever I have the day off work and think "sweet!  I can watch TV all day" I am reminded that I should be happy that I am emplyed because there is absolutely nothing to watch on TV during the day.  Except for soap operas (which, let's face it, my IQ is too high for) and ads for Snuggies (which I will never buy but would happily accept as a Christmas present).

Speaking of TV, the thing I watched the most of today was local, Northern Illinois news.  Apprently, snow is coming.  This isn't a surprise seeing as it is December, but the way they are talking about it you would think we were about the endure a real life recreation of the movie "The Day After Tomorrow".  Which would be cool because of Dennis Quaid but would bite because there aren't enough copies of "Twilight" in the world for me to stay warm long enough for help to come and get me.

Everything I put into a microwave usually dries out, with the exception of french fries.  I put those puppies in and BAM!  They are a hot, soggy mess.  Someone could make millions if they find a solution to this problem.

If I wake up tomorrow and my car doesn't start, it isn't because of the weather, but because my mom was awesome enough to let me park it in the garage since I have a 1.5 hour commute into work tomorrow.  My car isn't parked in a garage, well, ever.  I feel like the shock alone may cause it to cease running.  Like dumping a bass you caught into a nice aquarium.  Ain't going to last long.

Last night I died my hair a shade called "Espresso".  And while it is basically my natural hair color I wonder if people will notice tomorrow at work.  (Aside from those I work with who read this blog...)

Back to the grind.

~ The Office Scribe

The Results Are In: First Official Contest and Weekly Poll!

Oh yes people, two exciting results to two exciting events.  And I know I promised to post these yesterday, especially the contest winners, but I didn't get out of work until 6:15 PM even though I was only supposed to be there until 5:30 PM, I had to drive an hour and a half to my moms house, only to get there and have to take the 10 foot tree off the top of the Tahoe and put it in the tree stand in the great room.

So okay, I was a little tired yesterday, sue me*.

First off, the results of last weeks poll:  What does Thanksgiving mean to you?

Turkey - 5 Votes
Giving Thanks - 3 Votes
Football - 0 Votes (I guess no Lions fans read this blog.  Or there aren't Lions fans anymore.
Waking up at 2am for Black Friday sales - 2 Votes

Nothing surprising there.  I will post a new and even more exciting poll the moment I am done with this post...

And now, to announce the winner of the First Ever Official The Office Scribe Contest...

With a guess of 21 e-mails, HOLLY!!!  Congrats Holly, you were the closest.  Turns out, I only received 24 e-mails over those 4 days, which was a bit of a shock to me.  I would have sworn it would have been around the 125 mark.

For winning you will be receiving the fabulous prize pack, which contains the following items:
- Crunchy Cheetohs
- Burt's Bee's Pomegrante Lip Balm
- Black Pen
- Enough change for a Diet Dr. Pepper
- Orbit Gum
- Nail File
And other items which can be found in my desk, therefore making me able to do my job!

Just let me know where you want to prize pack shipped to and after allowing 2-4 weeks for delivery, you can feel a little closer to knowing what it is like to sit in my cubicle!

~ The Office Scribe


* Please note, if you decide to sue me the only items you will get are a giant fan plant, iPod mini that no longer works, and the laundry I was supposed to do.  So yeah, not really worth it.

Being Of Two Minds

About this time each year (give or take a few weeks, this is Chicago after all) the first snowfall occurs and can have one of two effects on people in the workplace:

1) Aww, look outside!  It's snowing!  How lovely.  I hope some of it sticks around and covers up the ugly, dead grass.  Maybe when I get home from work I'll make a cup of hot chocolate and get busy writing my Christmas cards.

2) Holy hell!  Is that SNOW outside? Did anyone watch the news?  How much are we supposed to get?  If it takes me one second longer to get home tonight because of assholes who don't remember how to drive in the snow I'm going to cut a bitch.  And don't expect me to be in tomorrow.  The commute is always worse in the morning.

I like to see which one of these two categories people I work with fall into by casually approaching their cubicles and saying "Well look at that.  It's snowing."

By far my favorite reactions are from those who fall into the second category.  Reactions I received today include:
- Jumping up like a jackrabbit to see if I am lying, then scowling
- Wrinkling of ones nose.
- Numerous questions regarding flake size
- Groans, grunts, and other assorted noises of disaproval
- And one person wondering if the office might be closed tomorrow due to the snow.

The last reaction was priceless on so many levels.  In my three years at the company I have never known of the office to close for anything than a major holiday.  Secondly, it was about 45 degrees yesterday.  The day before that it was about 50.  This past weekend was so warm that I put up outside Christmas decorations in a t-shirt.  Which means that he few flakes that were falling melted the second they hit the warm ground.

Just think - this is just the start of winter.  I have 3-4 months of this to put up with...

~ The Office Scribe