Saturday, September 19, 2009

Why I Need A Press Secretary

I would like to address the rumors that have been circulating since my last post. I feel that I need to clear the air so that we can all continue living our lives and being the best people we can be.

I am still happily employed. While I have taken a few days off to work at another, highly important job for a few days (a garage sale is a job, right?) there is no truth to the rumor that I was let go for spray painting the inside of my cubbilce with gang signs in anciect Sumarian.

I am quite a multi-tasker. It was even a nickname given to me at my last job (the one before I became a cubicle monkey). So don't think that I can't write a 140 character status update AND a super creative, slightly humorous blog post on the same day. I can also chew gum and walk at the same time. Unless it is Double Bubble - then I am screwed.

While it's tue I was hit in the head, it was not by a heavy object. It was by bird shit on my mom's deck, the third time this has happened to me this summer, and I was forced to spend a lengthy period of time in the shower washing, rinsing, and repeating.

If anyone else has any other rumors they would like me to address, please leave them in the comment section and I would be more than happy to do so.

And I promise there will be a Manic Monday post this coming week - unless I get hammered at the wine festival tomorrow and take a header off Starved Rock into the river, recreating the dramatic demise of a group of Native Americans. But what are the chances of that happening? (No, seriously, does anyone know?)

~ The Office Scribe


Ed Adams said...

I heard that not only are you the real reason for Jon & Kate's split, but you also encourage Kayne to take the mike, after which you were too embarrassed to face your readers, which subsequently caused Serena's melt down.

Wes said...

I heard you were kidnapped by Somalian Pirates... who didnt talk like Pirates today.

I believed it immediately.

David said...

I knew that sumarian graffiti thing was untrue - we all know you would have written the gang signs in Mandarin.

Chris said...

And are you ready to head back to DMI? We need you!!

Anonymous said...

i hope you got hammered at the wine festival and had a great time

The Office Scribe said...

I would like to address these rumors one by one.

Sadly I was not the reason that Jon & Kate split. Turns out that had something to do with her dislike of his obesession with over-priced tattoo t-shirts.

And Kanye. Oh, dear, sweet Kanye. As a fellow Chicagoan I did of course speak with him before the MTV Awards (small town Chi is...) but I told him that he should stop dating the Barbie doll who's head I shaved in 1993 and find a real girl.

And I heard Serena's meltdown on the court had to do with her tennie undies being too tight around the balls.

I actually was with the Somalian pirates but I was there teaching them how to speak "pirate". It was one of the many things I majored in at college.

My Mandarin gang signs are legendary.

I will head back to DMI as soon as I have addressed all these rumors. I know Allentown will fall apart if I am not involved!

Person Who Won't Leave Their Name
I did not get hammered at the wine festival. But I did buy a lot of wine and get schooled on red vs. white wines by a drunk lady who informed me that the red stuff was what made the wine alcoholic and that white wine was for people who didn't drink.