Missing - My Key Card

Missing - One electronic key card which allows me to get into my office suite.  Last seen in my back pocket at the holiday party on Friday.

Possible locations include:
- Somewhere in the chaos that is my cubicle
- At the bar where we went after the party
- Still in the jeans I wore Friday
- My car
- My mom's house
- The inside of my rottweiler
- The wallet of someone who really wants to get into the office
- A local hospital
- One of the various purses I didn't carry in the past 4 days, but where stuff still seems to end up
- Narnia

I really hope it's in one of the above locations because I don't want to have to shell out $10 for a new one and suffer the looks of the people in HR, as this is the second one I have lost.

Reward - None.  If I was willing to pay money, I would just get a new card.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #61

Sadly I did not win anything at the office holiday party.  So that makes my official stats when it comes to winning 2 wins, 4 losses.

Nothing like driving past the mall at noon on a Monday during what is supposed to be a bad economy and seeing every single parking spot full.  (And don't judge me for not being at work on a Monday at noon - I took every Monday off in December.)

To the lady arguing in line at the grocery store - yes, there is a difference between cilantro and Italian parsley.

Fun fact - If you steal something the guys at Pawn Stars won't buy it.  So the lesson there is lie about the origins of your awesome stuff, take the money and run.

I spent the day doing laundry and I still have no idea what to wear to work tomorrow.


~ The Office Scribe

Stove Top? Really?

I was watching an episode of South Park last night and in it there is a stuffing shortage.  Cartman freaked out and dragged his mom to the store in search of this oh-so-perfect side dish.  But alas, the shelves were bare.

Luckily, this would never be an issue in my family because while we'll use pre-packaged stuffing at other times of the year, where it comes to Thanksgiving, we make it from scratch, using a recipe that has been handed down through the ages.  A recipe that I now pass along to you in hopes that it will make your Thanksgiving just that much more awesome.

Yes, I know this really doesn't have anything to do with working in an office - but since I am not in the office this week, why should my posts be about a place I am not in.  That would be like me blogging about Hawaii or Wal-Mart.

~ The Office Scribe

Family Bread Stuffing My family can trace this recipe to 1911 when my Great-grandfather,  then a 16-year-old teenager, worked in a lumber camp outside of Eugene, Oregon as an assistant to the camp cook as he was not old enough to do the actual lumbering. ·         1 loaf white bread ·         1 bay leaf ·         2 apples, peeled & grated ·         1 tbsp baking powder ·         1 onion, peeled and grated ·         ½ - 1 lb. butter ·         1 egg ·         1 tbsp dried sage ·         salt & pepper to taste ·         Water, if needed to moisten The night before, tear the bread into bite-size pieces, place bread pieces in a bowl and cover with a towel. Set the bowl on the countertop overnight and allow the bread to dry out. The next morning, after rinsing out the turkey, mix together all ingredients in a large bowl and add water to moisten, if needed. Stuff the turkey cavity and bake per instructions on the bird. When turkey is done, using a large spoon remove all stuffing and place in an oven-safe bowl. While the turkey is resting, place bowl in oven until top slightly browns. Remember to remove the bay leaf prior to serving. Some shortcuts that have evolved over the years are: • Once bread is torn it can be placed on a baking sheet or in a 13x9-inch pan and placed in the oven overnight as this allows for more evenly drying out the bread. There is no need to turn on the oven. If you are in a hurry, the oven can be turned to the lowest setting and the bread should dry out within 20 minutes. • Use a natural chunky applesauce in place of peeling and grating the apples. • Use turkey or chicken broth in place of some of the butter for flavor and less calories. This is especially good if you are making dressing rather than stuffing as it will have the poultry flavor. Broth can also be used in place of water to moisten if needed. • Chopped celery can be added to the onion. You can begin the recipe by sweating the onion and celery in some melted butter, remove from stovetop, and then add the remaining ingredients. • I have never used packaged, pre-cut bread cubes, but do not see why they would not work.

Manic Monday - The Thanksgiving 2011 Edition

Nothing like starting my week of vacation by running into the office for 20 minutes to mail something to a client.  I can't tell if I am super dedicated or super crazy.

Emo Rupert Everett was enjoying a cigarette outside Starbucks today.  Whenever I see him I can't help but giggle.

I am in the process of cleaning my desk out at home, which if you have ever seen my desk you know is a somewhat daunting task.  So far, some of things I have found include:
- An Oscar Meyer weenie whistle
- Multiple packages of Spider Man pencils, which is odd since I am not a fan of Spiderman or pencils)
- Four hole punches, as in quantity of hole punches, not in how many holes they punch
- A night light shaped like a Knight
- A shot glass from Oxford
- Road trip magnetic license plate game
- Violet flavored mints which are awesome if you can ever find them in a place that isn't my desk

~ The Office Scribe

And The Fifth Horseman Is Cold Season

Yes ladies and gents, it's that fabulous type of year otherwise known and Cold & Flu season.  It's seems like just as the mercury starts to drop and we turn our clocks back* I get a nice cold.  I totally blame it on my coworkers, especially those with kids, as I am sure that it is in schools that all modern day plagues start.  Starting last Monday (which yes, was Halloween) I began feeling what my father would have called "punky" - itchy eyes, slight cough, moderate fever, etc.

So I did what any dedicated employee would do - I dosed myself with NyQuil, went to sleep early, and was prepared to feel better come Tuesday morning.

But when my alarm went off at 7:00 a.m. I rolled over, looked at the clock and thought "Can I do it? Can I drag myself out of bed and make it work work?"  I dwelled on it for about 30 seconds and then did the unthinkable and called in sick to work.

November 1, 2011 was my first full sick day of the day (I did take half a day in the Spring, but that doesn't count).  I mean, I guess that is why were are all given sick days.  I did it because yes, I felt like crap, but because I also didn't want to infect any of my coworkers.  Now you may be thinking "Wow, that is so nice, taking your coworkers health into consideration."  But truthfully, I did it to keep them at work so I don't have to cover for them.

Anywho, it's now Saturday and I am about 95% better, except for the cough that won't go away.  But that's why the medicine gods gave us Robitussin and Luden's throat drops.

~ The Office Scribe

*Um, speaking of changing the clocks, why does this always happen on the weekends?  Sure, when I used to go to church it was worth a chuckle or two to see everyone who forgot and would show up for mass early/late, but I think it would be much funnier if it happened on a random Wednesday and all us cubicle monkey's had to remember so we wouldn't be late for work.  Who do I write to in order to get this changed?

Manic Monday #60

So there is the most amazing maple tree outside my office.  Everyone kept walking past it today, commenting on it's gorgeous red colors and how pretty it was.  Too bad I spend 90% of my day, facing my computer monitor, which puts my back to this spectacular deciduous phenomenon.  (I have a wonderful vocabulary - jealous?).

The reception door locks at 6:00 each night, even though we are open until 7:30.  This means if you leave to use the restroom you have to have your keycard with you to swipe back in.  Most people don't realize this until they throw all their weight into the door, which is glass, and look shocked when it doesn't open.  One of these days we're going to have a 'Hulk Smash" moment and that is going to be very hard to explain to the building management.

The most popular cubicle decoration right now are the gourds that look like mini pumpkins.  I can assume they are so popular for two reasons (1) They cover multiple holidays and (2) they can become projectiles if a battle ever erupts between departments.

Yesterday I spent an hour reading comments on FML.com and came to realize that my job is glorious compared to many others.  For example - I don't think I am hated by everyone I work with, nor do I think I would ever be fired by text message.

I didn't go on vacation anywhere this year, which means I didn't use quite a bit of my vacation.  I could practically take every Friday off for the rest of the year, but I love Casual Friday's so much that I don't want to sacrifice the ability to wear jeans in the office.  What am I to do?

If you follow me on Twitter (which you all should - @TheOfficeScribe) then you know yesterday I spent some time working on an itinerary for a couple of coworkers who were set to leave for Kenya today on a work trip.  And not just a normal itinerary, but a humorous one filled with side stories and having very little to actually do with their trip.  Sadly, today I found out that their trip was canceled at the last minute.  But fear not, rumor has it someone is taking them to see "The Lion King 3-D" which is practically the same thing as going on safari, right?

~ The Office Scribe

Fear Not...

Thanks to everyone who either left comments, tweets, e-mails, or messages in a bottle to find out what the heck has been going on with this blog lately.  Yeah, I know - I have been horrible about posting lately.  I could say it's because I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to notice anything humorous happening around me.  Or how since I now work until 7:30 p.m. on Mondays, when I come home I am not really up to posting anything manic.

But that would be coping out - I'll be honest - I've just been really lazy lately.  I think it has something o do with the weather or it getting darker earlier.  A coworker was trying to explain it all to me the other day but I yawned in the middle and went temporarily deaf (you know what I am talking about - how you yawn and it blocks out all sound) so I didn't follow the entire chain of thought.

Since I've spent about 80% of the day on my couch watching horror movies and Gossip Girl, I should be able to start this week refreshed.  Which means I promise to be a posting fool.


Thanks for sticking with me through these quiet times.  


~ The Office Scribe

Ma'am - I Am Sorry I Can't Help You

Once a week I work the front desk towards the end of the day.  It's not a bad gig - the phones are pretty quiet, I can still get my stuff done, and it provides a nice change of scenery.

But Monday night, I took the following phone call*:

Me: Thank you for calling *Company Name Redacted*.  How may I direct your call?

Caller: I lost my Platinum card and I need you to cancel the card immediately.  IMMEDIATELY.

Me: Ma'am - you called *Company Name Redacted* not a credit card company.

Caller: Connect me to someone who can cancel my card IMMEDIATELY!

Me: Ma'am, like I said, you called *Company Name Redacted*.  I don't have the power to cancel your credit card.

Caller:  Why not?

Me: Ma'am, we are not your credit card company.  This is *Company Name Redacted*, we don't have anything to do with credit cards.

Caller: Then transfer me to someone who can help.

Me: Ma'am, there is no one here who can help you.

Caller: And why not?

Me: No one here can cancel your card.

Caller: So what should I do?

Me: Call your credit card company?

Caller:  Okay, connect me to them.

Me:  I can't connect you to another company.

Caller: Then what should I do?

Me: Call your credit card company?

Caller:  What's the number?

Me: Ma'am - I don't have that information.

(((pause)))

Caller: You should be ashamed of yourself for not being able to cancel my credit card.

CLICK

Wow - I always thought calls like this were made up to amuse people on the internet.  I guess I was wrong.  Oh so very wrong.

~ The Office Scribe

* Conversation may not have been this word for word, but since I don't take down everything everyone says to me, I sometimes have to paraphrase.  

Manic Monday #59

Fun Fact - Julius Caesar did not live in the 1920's, no matter what my coworkers say.

That's it.  That's all I got today.  You can blame my lack of posting on the fact that I started working 11:30 - 7:30 on Mondays, which leaves me wiped by the time I get home.

I know, I suck.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #58

In a complete act of rebellious brought on by people who leave half an inch of coffee in the pot on days when I start late, I poured the dregs of the double strength stuff in the regular pot and thinned it with a little hot water.  Then I made myself a fresh pot.  

No, I will not open my Passive Aggressive Notes 2012 calendar for two reasons: (1) It's August of 2011 and (2) because you keep asking.

I had a teacher in junior high who was obsessed with highlighters.  And it's him that I blame for not having one or two colors of highlighters at my desk now, but six.  

I will never admit that I don't have the answer.  I'll just make one up that sounds so convincing that you'll believe me.

As far as I can tell from reading the employee handbook, there are no dress code restrictions about wearing sunglasses at your desk.

You won't be laughing when the ninjas attack and because I always have to face the door in meetings I am the only one who survives because I dove under the table before the kung fu fighting began.

Beyonce's unborn child hijacked all the water-cooler chat today.  And from the sound of it, all reporting on E!, Access Hollywood, Twitter and the VMA's themselves.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #57

It's official - I am obsessed with closing partially opened file cabinets.  To the point that I will go out of my way to close them in other departments.  Is this a clinical condition?

My pens are all dying at work.  Sure, I could put in an order for some new ones from the mail room, but I am such a pen snob that I can't use them.  I have to have fancy ones.  A trip to Office Depot may be in order after work tomorrow.

A four hours old-watered down Starbucks latte is still better than the freshly brewed decaf stuff at work.

Ahhhh!  Coworkers!  Stop talking about True Blood!  I was at my mom's last night and she doesn't haven HBO. (So I am watching it On Demand as I type this right now.)

The candy dish at my desk has only had about 6 jawbreakers in it for the past 4 weeks.  When is Halloween?  I need people to drop off candy that they don't want around their house because they are afraid they'll eat it for the candy dish so they can eat it at work.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #56

Just because there is a quarter of an inch of coffee in the bottom of the pot doesn't mean you shouldn't make a another cup.  The coffee gods will understand if you dump that out and make a fresh pot (for those of us who start at 10 on Mondays).

CSI : Office Edition - Did you know that if you have to dust for fingerprints that dumping the shavings tray from the electric pencil sharpener out on the counter works really well?

I really hope people don't pay much attention to the decorations on cupcake liners because my VP is getting her birthday cupcakes baked in Halloween ones.  

Work days would generally start out much better if a theme song played as I entered the office.

~ The Office Scribe

The Hurt Feelings Report

One of my coworkers gave this to me today, after he said he was going to file a formal complaint with the company because I was picking on him. (And yes, this is probably the reason why I was a Runner Up for EOTY and not the winner...)

I hope you can read it - because it actually made me giggle.  I think if you click it and let your computer do the work it will allow you to see it.  I don't know; technology confuses me.

It's obviously from the army, but it also works perfectly for those of us who spend our days being passive aggressive (and sometimes just plain aggressive) within the confines of a cubicle.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #55

You may have heard, and yes, it's true - I was a runner up for Employee of the Year this year at my company.  No joke.  And while I am a dedicated employee, I am pretty sure the votes came in because of my mad baking skills.

Speaking of baking skills, see what I made for my cousins birthday tomorrow?

Yeah, that's Van Gogh's Starry Night as a cupcake cake.  And yes, she is going to be 2.  What two year old doesn't like a trippy frosting copy of a painting done by a guy who cut off his ear?

They lowered out cubicle walls at work this weekend.  It was done to make people feel like they were more of a team.  I think it was done so my coworkers can hear me talking to myself.  Which happens a lot.  What can I say?  I was an only child.

~ The Office Scribe

Fear Not...

I am back on Twitter.

Stop by tomorrow for a new Manic Monday, assuming some interesting things happen to me at the office tomorrow.

~ The Office Scribe

Twitter Fail

If any of you are followers of my Twitter account (um, you all should be...) you may have noticed an absence of mundane Tweets lately.  That's because for some reason, I can't access Twitter.  It looks like it loads but all I get it a blank page.

Seriously, it's  not cool.  And I personally blame Google+.

Anyone else having this issue?

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The Midwest Hurricane Edition

You know what works better than an alarm clock?  A call from your mom who says the apocalypse is happening and headed your way.  No matter how tired you are it makes you jump out of bed to move your plastic lawn furniture into a more secure location on your porch.

I guess the weather gods didn't like the route I take to work in the mornings since they blew a tree down on a bunch of power lines right in the middle of the road.  Personally I thought I could have made it - ComEd and the local police thought otherwise.

Normally I like to be able to participate in a conversation with my coworkers, but when the topic is about how they had to shower in the dark because they didn't have power, I kept my mouth shut. (Since I not only had power when I woke up but I was listening to the radio, watching the weather channel and tweeting about it).

Lots of people have been talking about how weird the weather is this summer - and I feel like we have this discussion every year.  The weather isn't weird, you just have bad memories.

We were reminded at work that if the bad weather sirens go off we need to report to our specific locations for a head count.  Too bad I didn't click on the link to tell me where I belonged.  If someone out there can't find me, you should all just assume I am under my desk.  That's where the mini fridge is after all...

~ The Office Scribe

The Office Dorm?

There are many great things about going to college.  The all night parties. Locking people in the communal bathrooms. Undercover FBI stings to bust fake ID rings...

But nothing is better about college than the time honored tradition of having a dry erase board affixed to your dorm room door.

For those of you who didn't go to college let me explain: Practically the first thing you do when you move into a dorm, before you unpack you clothes and that illegal hot pot you had to have to make ramen, you got out your double sided tape and hung up your dry erase board.  You then took some colorful markers and wrote you and your roommates names on it and perhaps added something classy, like a a Keystone light sticker some guy handed you at Freshman orientation.

The main* purpose of the dry erase board was so that people could leave you messages while you were shacked up in someone else's room at class  It was pretty genius.  Which is why I think we need them around my office.

Right now, we have a ton of meetings and training sessions so no one is ever at their desks when you need them.  And yes, you could leave a post it note, but chances are there would be so many that when you got back your desk would look like a Midwestern yard in the fall.  (Because Post Its look like leaves).  Hence the need for a dry erase board.  That way when you are away from your desk people could just jot you a quick note to say they stopped by.  Or leave a funny saying.  Or draw an inappropriate picture which gets them reported to HR.

I bet we could even get them cheap through our office supply connections.

This will be my new pet project, you know, once I finally get back to my desk...

~ The Office Scribe

* Other reason include, but aren't limited to - accusing someone of stealing your boyfriend, telling your roommate she owes you money, drawing pictures of genitals, writing the answers for biology tests, reminding someone that they need to figure out what that smell is, etc, etc, etc.

Ways To Annoy Your CoWorkers #1 - The Sound of Music

Hi!  Welcome to a new segment here at Asleep Under My Desk that I like to call "Ways To Annoy Your CoWorkers!"  On today's episode I feature a classic way to drive your coworkers crazy.

I call it - The Sound of Music.

Step One - Patience is key, because you can't instigate Step One; You have to wait for someone else to do it.  Basically, just sit around and wait for someone in your office to ask you for help*.

Step Two - Approach them with zeal and ask how you can be of assistance.

Step Three - Listen to their problem and tell them everything they did was wrong. And that they'll have to start over.

Step Four - Hopefully they will reply with something along the lines of "Well where do I start?"

Step Five - Reply "Start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start."

Step Six - Wait for them, or someone in earshot to chime in with "When you read you begin with A B C".

Step Seven - Reply "When you sing you begin with Do Re Mi!"

Then sit back and listen to your coworkers curse, as you have now implanted one of the catchiest tunes in their head.  It will be with them all day.  Later you'll hear them humming under their breath "And that will bring us back to Do Do Do" or discussing what ethnic accent someone pronounces "far" as "FA" in.

But complete success will come if you catch someone singing "Favorite Things" which means you not only planted a song, but an entire musical.

I'll be honest, it tends to work better on girls, but it's also a fun way to discover who the closer musical fans are.

~ The Office Scribe

* If you are the type of person no one ever asks help from, I think you had better stop trying to find ways to annoy your coworkers and try harder at your job...

Manic Monday #54

Macs are better than PCs because they don't try to be all clever and green with their "recycle" bin - they keep it real with a trash can.


The only thing better than going to a coworkers house for a party over the weekend is when the coworker brings in the leftovers.  Free lunch!


Last nights "True Blood" episode was the television equivalent to the "What I Did Over My Summer Vacation" essay.  


I'll admit it.  I sometimes put nonsensical stuff on my meeting agendas just so it looks like I have more to talk about.


Biggest news of the day was when the jury came back in the Blagdovitch Bagdonovich Blagojevich trial and found him guilty on a bunch of counts.  For those not keeping score, that's two Illinois governors who will be serving jail time. At the same time. Quinn, I'm looking at you to make that an even 3.  (Don't argue - 3 is totally an even number.)


Obviously the people who live a few floors above me don't have jobs?  How do I know?  The spent their money on bottle rockets which they like to shoot off at 1:30 a.m.  I swear if I find one more of those little red sticks in my parking lot, within inches of my car, I am going to cut someone.  Or superglue their mailbox lock shut.  Try getting your eviction notice now asshole!  (Wait, that might be counterproductive...)


~ The Office Scribe

Shhh! It Can Hear You!

When I was little I remember sitting with my Grandfather watching 2011: A Space Odyssey.  For those who have never seen the movie, let me boil it down to one sentence (which is never an easy task for a Kubrick movie).

A computer goes crazy.

I remember thinking that this was an implausible scenario, even at the tender age of 5.  I mean, inanimate objects just don't go crazy (with the exception of Teddy Ruxpin).  It's a thought I have carried with me through all four Terminator movies and life in general.

That is, until today.

A coworker and I had a discussion about how we were jealous of people in the Creative Services department because they have Macs.  As someone who has a Mac I said I wish I could have one at work.  My coworker agreed and we left the conversation at that.

What I didn't realize was that my PC was listening - and it didn't like what it heard.

I spent the rest of the day waiting for pages to load, getting e-mail errors and generally being less productive than usual, all because my computer decided to hate on me.

So tomorrow, I am not speaking aloud in front of it.  Hand signals only.

~ The Office Scribe

I'm Outta Here!*

I was sitting at my desk today and the little yellow Outlook envelope popped up to let me know that I had a new message.

-----Original Message-----
From: BCL [mailto:bcl@bristishcharitylottery.co.uk]
Sent: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 2:21 PM
Subject: Yours!



Your E-mail won 500,000.00GBP from BCL draws. Send your name? Address?
Mobile no? Country? State? Occupation? Age? To bcl.claims@live.com

So I do the logical thing - I immediately message a coworker and tell him I am quitting my job because I just won a ton of money in a lottery I never bought a ticket for.

His response - You too?

Damn!  Apparently everyone in my office got the e-mail, which means we are all uber rich.

It's not fun unless it's special.

~  The Office Scribe

* Obviously I did not quit my job.  That would be retarded.  Have you see gas prices?  I'd be able to drive a block and then I'd have to live out of my car on the corner and someone would make a documentary about me that would win them an Oscar and me a few extra nickels in my used Starbucks cup.

The Shoes

This weekend I am in one my best friend's weddings.  And by "in it" I mean I'm a Bridesmaid which means I have the dress, am getting my hair done and will do my best to not embarrass anyone with my ways...

That also means that I have shoes.  As any females knows, new heeled shoes need to be broken in similar to a way a cowboy breaks a wild horse.  It can take hours, be some pain, but in the end it will be well worth it.  Since Chicago has had some damp wet weather lately I knew I couldn't wear the shoes outside.  So I did the next best thing - I wore them around the office.

Word to the wise - if you generally dress like you stepped out of an Eddie Bauer catalog and you show up wearing shoes like this, comments will be made:

* Note - the ones I have are NOT Christian Louboutin's....

I would walk up to people to ask them a question and their jaws would drop and they'd ask, "Wow - what's with the shoes?"

But my favorite comment of the day was "It looks like Barbie threw up on your feet."

Overall, I think I impressed my co-workers because I could walk around in 4 inch heels for multiple hours and not complain.

I am a woman of many skills.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #53

Thanks to my mom who, this weekend, reminded me that I have a blog and that I haven't posted on it in a while. 

Blank stares are not an acceptable answer to any question.  If you can't take the energy to at least furrow a brow or blink then I will never come to you for an answer again.

The nomination process for Employee of the Year came out today but since I didn't see the words "snarky", "sarcastic" or "cynical" on the list of employee attributes something tells me I won't be pulling down the votes.

The #1 reason I don't leave the office for lunch isn't to save money or dedication to my work - it's that on days like today, where there isn't a cloud in the sky and it's a balmy 73 degrees I fear I would not come back and be listed as MIA.

Try saying "canoodling in an igloo" 10 times fast.

~ The Office Scribe

Having A Senior Moment...

I had all these great things to post yesterday, some said by coworkers, others just random observations.  I wrote them all down on a piece of paper to post last night.  But then I lost the piece of paper and can't remember anything.

Getting old isn't fun.

~ The Office Scribe

“Apathy is a sort of living oblivion.” - Horace Greeley

"Apathy is what people develop when they only have one more day of work left." - The Office Scribe

So I have Thursday and Friday off of work because twice a year I become what my friends mockingly refer to as a "gypsy" and sell my ware at a huge garage sale.  I put up with the mocking because aside from getting rid of crap I no longer need and or want, I make some pretty decent money.

But because I have a short week at the old office, I have noticed that i just don't care what people are going to do while I am not there.

Example A:

Coworker - I need to work later on Thursday because I have someplace to go Wednesday night.

Me - I don't care.

Example 2:

Coworker - Did you see that (((fill in the blank))) is doing a presentation on Friday?

Me - I don't care.

Example III:

Coworker - Rumor has it a giant asteroid is going to plow into the western suburbs towards the end of the week and destroy all our cubicles.

Me - I don't care. (Meanwhile I start boxing my knick knacks just in case...)

I feel like Bradley Cooper in "The Hangover" where he is leaving school and the kid goes to ask him a question and he replies "You don't exist to me".

Can you tell I need a break?

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #52

So I did something yesterday which aggravated an old injury and had to spend a good portion of the day standing instead of sitting at my desk.  What could I have possibly injured 6 years ago that made it impossible to sit for longer than 20 minutes at a time today?  As one of my Twitter followers pointed out - the funniest name for a part of the human body, my coccyx aka my tailbone.  Those small pieces of bone that indicate that humans at one point had tails, but Charles Darwin then decided we didn't need them anymore.  Slipped and broke it at my last job. And no, I didn't file a workman's comp claim.  Sometimes you just need to suck it up and deal with the pain in your ass.


Note to coworkers - when someone sends out an invite for an "S Factor" class you don't need to inform them that you aren't really good at singing.


I spent the weekend downtown with family and had some of the best elevator conversations in my life.  From the woman who told us we looked like we were going to have fun to the old man who winked and said he had my number, it was amazing.  And it continued at my office when I walked into the elevator right as someone from an upper floor was taking a bite of a cookie.  He apologized and said I caught him.  I replied "I am sure there are worse things I can catch people doing in an elevator."  His reply "rock on Aerosmith".  Wow.

It's when you are in pain at work when you realize how many people are packing some form of painkillers in their desk drawers.  

I am 90% sure that if I didn't remember to water my coworkers plant it would die.  I guess it's my own damn fault for giving a male coworker a plant in the first place.

Never ask if I have a certain office product - you can always just assume I do.

How is it possible that the pollen count inside my office is higher than the air outside my office?

~ The Office Scribe

Pre Work Haiku

Can not find the clothes

Thinking of going naked

HR would not like

Manic Monday #51

There is nothing like the look on an IT person's face when you breathlessly dash into their cubicle babbling about the virus warning that popped up on your screen.  It's a true Kodak moment.

I don't think I had a single cup of coffee at work today.  It's official - the universe is off its axis.  Quick - everyone in New Zealand jump up and down to knock it back on course.  Or I guess I could just stop at Starbucks tomorrow morning.  (FYI - Dear Mac - It's about time you start recognizing "Starbucks" as a properly spelled word and quit underlining it in red.)

In an ode to Michael Jackson today I went to work sporting white gym socks with my black Mary Janes.  Okay, so it was more like I forgot to pack black socks when I left for my moms house on Friday and was just too lazy to ask my mom for a pair this morning.

If I don't do some serious laundry soon "business casual" is going to mean "olive green yoga pants and a ski sweater with reindeer". 

Kudos to the marketing people at Sunsweet - you packaged these "dried plums" in such a way that I didn't realize I had just bought individually wrapped prunes until I got home.

Just in case you were curious, that odd green glow coming from my desk whenever I shut off my light is not, in fact, a toxic waste spill.  It's just my glow-in-the-dark Bat Pez Dispenser filled with grape PEZ (Really, is there any other flavor?)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #50

Wow, this is the 50th (numbered) Manic Monday I have done.  And yes, I know I would have reached this milestone a lot faster had I posted on a more regular basis.  So sue me... I have a life.  And OnDemand cable. (That Ricky Gervais show is addictive!)

Sometimes I am too lazy to reply to people's e-mails so I'll just walk over to their desks to answer their questions.  And it always makes me giggle to see them freak out.  Like inside the sanctity of their cubicle, they completely forget about the hundred plus other people milling about the office.

A cell phone went off at work today and the ring tone sounded like bells.  One coworker remarked that an angel must have gotten its wings while I just had the song "I Hear The Bells" stuck in my head for the following hour.

Speaking of music - I was at the gym health club small room with workout equipment in my office and realized that I did better on the elliptical while listening to that Britney Spears/Ke$ha/Nicky Manij song "Until the World Ends".  If you want an addictive guilty pleasure song, download it.  If you feel like people judge you by what's on your iPod, then don't.

Using your thumb nail is a highly effective way to unpeel an orange. Unfortunately, it turns your nail orange and now I look like I have the Jersey Shore disease just on the thumb of my right hand.  Or gads, maybe it is an outbreak of OompahLooompitis (the scary Gene Wilder one - not the Johnny Depp version.)

Big props to the Splinter Cell division of the Navy SEALS for finally getting Osama Bin Laden. I found out about it the same way 87% of the rest of people between the ages of 15 and 35 did - on my Facebook wall.  Oh, and how about giving the working man a day off?  Our office in England shut down for the Royal Wedding?  You're telling me they can get time off to see powerless figureheads get hitched and we don't get some down time because we killed public enemy numero uno?

I love that the programmers at Microsoft created a feature on my Outlook calendar that is akin to a snooze button.  

People shouldn't fear zombies, aliens or robots.  The real fear should come from Canada geese.  Those little buggers are everywhere, including the parking lot of my building, the retention pond of my building, and oh, the roof of my building.  Last year I even saw one perched on top of a light post. Ye be warned.

It's been over a week since I dyed my hair and yes, while it is a tad darker than usual (think Elvira) I think it's funny that people still stop me in the halls and ask if I did something to it.  I'm getting bored telling people the box of Feria lied to me.  I'm telling the next person who asks that I spent the weekend cleaning up an oil spill with my head.  I am hella environmental like that.

~ The Office Scribe

~ Manic Monday

Q&A With Me

Want to know what I think about office supplies, work lunches and clothes from Eddie Bauer?

Then head over to The Shoplet Blog and check out the answers to the Q&A!

And yes, it is very possible that I am the first office blogger to have this honor...

~ The Office Scribe

Scribe Style - How to Fix The Printer

Step One - Get up from desk after watching coworkers mutter over printer and attempt to understand the cryptic paper jam removal instructions.

Step Two - Sigh heavily, attempting to conceal the smirk that is itching to spread on your face.

Step Three - Ignore paper jam removal instructions.

Step Four - Open tray 1, close tray 1.

Step Five - Open tray 2, close tray two.

Step Six - Turn machine 180 degrees, look in back, turn machine back.

Step Seven - Press the green button.

Step Eight - Bask in the glory of having fixed the printer jam, even though no paper was actually jammed.

Step Nine - Repeat steps one through eight at least once a day.

Seriously, I sometimes think the printer guys have installed some sort of candid camera and trigger paper jam errors by remote just to mess with us.

~ The Office Scribe

Panic At The Disco - And By Disco I Mean My Cubicle

Yesterday everyone on my side of the building was sent an Outlook invite for a meeting.  There would be four of these meetings, back to back to back to back.  No one knew what they were going to be about*...

So naturally that means within 5 minutes of the invite going out, people were gathered around my desk, looking for answers.

Quite a few people assume I know everything, because, well, I tell them I do.  But in the rare instance when I don't know something (like the topic of the meeting) I just tend to make things up.

So here are some fun rumors I attempted to float around the office, as to the purpose of the meeting:

- HR has decided we needed to wear uniforms. Jumpers for everyone!

- All the coffee is being replaced with Red Bull (sans vodka)

- Promotions are now going to be determined "Hunger Games**" style

- Jelly beans have been declared the new currency of the realm (both Starburst and Jelly Belly)

- This years company summer outing is being held at a Leaps & Bounds

- The entire office is moving to the basement of the Alamo

- I'm being named Vice President of Sarcasm

- Mandatory office participation in Locks of Love

Seriously, my coworkers should know better than to ask me.  

~ The Office Scribe

* Turns out, it was nothing bad.  People were freaking out about nothing.

** If you haven't been forced to read this book by your pre-teen or a book club, go out and read it anyway. Nothing like a bunch of kids killing each other to win a childrens literary award!

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY - NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 

 
The Management

One of my coworkers sent this to me and since I was going to be lazy and not post tonight, I thought "oooh, easy post!".

~ The Office Scribe

We Laugh Because We Care

There are lots of ways to show that you care about your coworkers...

You could tell them that they are doing a wonderful job once a week.

You could bring them a bagel from Dunkin' Donuts when you stop to get one for yourself.

You could nominate them for employee of the year.

Or you could just giggle uncontrollably after they fall out of a coworkers chair (after making sure they are alright, of course).

Guess which one of these I did today?

~ The Office Scribe

A Cube With A View

I know there are companies that choose their offices based on prestigious addresses or a nice view.  My office doesn't have either of those, but I love the location.  Here's why:

1) Food
There have to be about 20 places within a 5 minute drive where one can go get some tasty vitals.  Feel like a burrito?  There's Chipotle.  Soup in a bread bowl with a side of bread?  Try Panera.  Chicago hot dog?  Portillo's of course!  Disgusting pizza served buffet style?  That place NEXT to Panera!

2) Early Warning
At 10:00 a.m. on the first Tuesday of every month (like today) the tornado siren is tested.  And since it is, oh, level with where I park my care, we can hear it really well inside the building.  REALLY WELL.  Which I can only assume means that when a tornado actually strikes, or aliens attack, or whatever causes that thing to go off, we will be able to get to safety just that much faster.  Which as we know (because of Hollywood) a few seconds can be the difference between life and death.

3) Traffic 
No, I am not excited that we have a lot of traffic.  I am excited because I can see how bad the traffic is on my route home from my window.  Well, from the window I can see if I turn 180 degrees, stand up, and look over my coworkers cubicle.

Hmm, I just realized I may have provided some of you with enough information to track me down.  Well, let the stalking begin*!

~ The Office Scribe

* 4) Key Cards and Desk Guards
Good luck with that whole stalking thing.

Manic Monday #49

Holy crap that new highlighter is pink.  I bet that's what Barbie's blood looks like.

My mom gave me a Tassimo home brewing system a few weeks ago.  I just got around to hooking it up and now I think I am addicted. Seriously, if they made a portable version (of the brewer) I would be up 24/7.  I am waiting for them to make a version for the car.  That would be amazing!

It is my fault the candy dish is full.  It is not my fault that you are eating the candy.

Thank god the ice machine is once again working in the lunch room.  I for one, am so much happier when there is something in the office that makes the place feel like a hotel. (Plus I think my mom is the only person who likes "tepid" water.)

Yesterday was 74 degrees and sunny. Today was grey and in the 40's.  Isn't spring in the midwest wonderful?

~ The Office Scribe

Where The Hell Have I Been?

The gym.

And I am down 10 pounds.

So quit complaining.  I'll be around more next week.

~ The Office Scribe

Fav St. Patrick's Day Quote From The Office

"They didn't have any, but I did run into the day drinkers.  The ones buying forties" - Co-worker who ran out to buy a lime from a liquor store.

~ The Office Scribe

Consuming Alcohol In The Office

Sure, we've all heard the rumors that people have liquor stashed in their desk drawers around the office.  For some it might be scotch.  For others, a nip of schnapps.  But tomorrow, for me and mine, it will be beer, whiskey and creme liquor...

You may be asking yourself "Office Scribe, how do you plan on getting away with that much hooch in the office?"

By turning it into a cupcake of course...

Stay tuned for pics of my famous Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes.

Seriously, they are the best thing I have ever invented, since I invented sliced bread.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #48

I was at my desk for exactly 4 minutes before the printer decided to cause problems this morning.  I think that has to be a record.

Zero calorie salad dressing is alright for something that has zero calories and 40 ingredients I can't pronounce.

A new employee is sitting with me on Wednesday so I can explain my job to them.  My fear is that I'll be judged by the random stuff I have at my desk.  I mean, seriously, what does it say about me that I have a Pope snow globe, baby Darth Vader, and one of the aliens from the Toy Story movie amongst my files?

If what I am currently doing for a living doesn't work out, I think I want to mentor troubled actors.  I could do so much good for the Charlie Sheens and Lindsay Lohans of the world by smacking them upside the head and locking them in a cellar until they realize what lucky bastards they really are and to stop messing everything up because the common man has NO patience or sympathy for wasting talent and or money on coke and hookers.

Cubicles need doorbells.

These 5 Hour Energy ads make it look like making a pot of coffee and drinking a cup to be the hardest tasks in the world.  I hate to think what they would do to something a tad more complicated, like driving a car or brain surgery.

~ The Office Scribe

My Newest Profession - Weather(wo)man

This past Thursday something happened to me, which can only be described as spiritual.  I was calmly sitting at my desk, when I was struck by a bolt of lightning known to many as a "calling".  Religious fanatics have these all the time... a higher power speaks to them and sets them on the path of destiny.  And while this occurrence is common in caves and cult compounds, it rarely ever happens within the confines of ones cubicle.

But there I sat, patiently going about my day last Thursday, when I heard the voice...

The first whisper came in the form of the morning radio as I awoke (sadly not to the radio, but that is for another post).  There was mutterings about how Chicago was going to be hit with another wave of snow, not as bad as the Snowpocolypse of 2011 but enough that it would cause havoc on the roadways later in the day...

Next, I was contacted by the powers via e-mail.  A company wide e-mail had gone out announcing that the hotel next door was running a special "Snow Rate" for anyone who wished to spend the night and not attempt to go home in the chaos that people were predicting....

At a meeting a short while later, someone declared that they had heard that the snow predictions had gone from 1-3 inches to possibly 9, enough to once again bring the Chicagoland area to its knees...

Lastly, some coworkers whose cubicles are located a short distance from mine stood around, discussing the possibility of being snowed in the following day, their cars trapped by the piles of snow that the news was predicting...

And that's when the bolt hit me.  I felt it go through my body like an electric shudder.  I stood upright, and announced in a clear voice...

"Don't listen to the news.  We are going to get less than half an inch.  You won't be snowed in tomorrow."

My coworkers looked at me and smiled, possibly thinking that I had lost my mind.  They continued to speak of bringing work home with them and of stopping off to gather supplies before the storm.

I sat back down at my desk, feeling not a sense of defeat, but of enlightenment.  I was sure that come the following day, everyone would be back at the desks...

I woke Friday morning, my blinds closed to keep out the winter sun (seriously, I sleep like a vampire) and wondered if my prediction could have been correct.  I was almost fearful to look outside, for if there was a ton of snow, then possibly I was losing my mind.  I gathered myself and lurched out of bed (no grace before coffee) and peeked out of the window.  And what do you think I saw?

If you said 5-9 inches of snow, you would most certainly be wrong.

As I predicted, there was about 1/2 inch of snow, if that, covering the ground.  There was so little accumulation that the maintenance guy at my building was using a push broom as opposed to a shovel.  I was ecstatic with the knowledge that I know had the power to predict the weather like some sort of Greek god, or Marvel superhero.  

Which is why I marched into my boss' office on Friday, handed in my resignation, and applied to be a meteorologist at Channel 5 news.

Okay, so that last sentence was nothing but lies, but I was pretty proud of myself for being able to properly forecast the weather sans fancy equipment and a green screen.

It's nice to know if my current job doesn't work out, I have something to fall back on (besides bartending, baking, butchering, writing, landscaping, organ donation, ninja assassin, peg board operator, captain of a cruise ship and homeless clown.)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #47

A lot of people told me I was really quiet today.  I tried to convince them it was because I was really busy. I don't think it worked. 

8 of us are in the midst of doing our version of the Biggest Loser, which is running for three months.  And I will win.  Why?  Because I eat healthy and work out?  No, because when money is on the line I will shut it down.  And by it, I mean my lethargic lifestyle and love of carbs.  This contest is mine.  So, to those coworkers not in the contest - stop asking me why my candy dish is empty.  Keep it up and I won't let use any of my winnings to fill it back up.

Who has two thumbs and almost slipped and fell out on the parking lot today?  This gal!  (And practically everyone else.  Dear building, what happened to that wacky beet juice stuff that makes the ice go away?)

Do you ever prepare a lie, just in case you have to use it?  I did that today.  I came straight from my mom's house to work this morning, and forgot to pack work shoes, so I wore my running shoes, which is against dress code.  So I figured if anyone asked, I would tell them "Oh, I did something to my foot this weekend and had to wear these."  A good lie.  Simple.  Brief.  And easy to believe.  But of course, no one asked, so that one can go back in the ol' file cabinet in my brain.

Sometimes I fear that I will start singing the song playing on my iPod out loud.  And then everyone will know I paid $1.29 for "Grenade".

~ The Office Scribe

Viva La Auto Text!

About sixth months ago or so, the IT department at my company started telling everyone that come the first quarter or 2011 all of the computers in the company would be upgraded to Office 2010.

Pretty good idea huh?  I mean, upgrading computer software is always a good idea.  (Note to self, run update check on Mac...)

Soon after the news of Office 2010 was announced a rumor started to spread through the office, slowly at first, but then gaining speed like a runaway freight train.

The rumor?  That as awesome as Office 2010 was touted to be, it wouldn't have the Auto Text feature.

(Insert tire screech sound effect here)

Excuse me?  But Auto Text happens to be the best most awesomest feature in the entire history of computers.  Screw the ability to order pizzas or perform surgery from your computer - nothing beats the ability to type only 3 words and have an entire 2 page letter magically appear on the screen.  It's a lazy employees best friend.

So last week the training schedule for Office 2010 came out and people went into sheer blood panic mode.  They started saving their auto text items and e-mailing them to their home accounts, lest the new software completely destroy all their hard work.  The rumors spread faster as the panic levels increased.  At my birthday lunch yesterday someone mentioned it and I was afraid people were going to abandon their tasty Olive Garden* and go running for the hills.

Later on yesterday, the first group of space monkeys went to Office 2010 training.  One of them came back after 2 hours, stopped right in my cubicle and said "Um, there's Auto Text in 2010".

(Insert tire screech sound effect here)

Huh?  What?  How could this be?  I specifically remember someone telling me that Office 2010 didn't have Auto Text.  Of course, I couldn't remember who told me, just that someone had.  Which is probably why my fellow coworkers and I spent the next 5 minutes all blaming each other for starting such a horrible rumor.

In the midst of this, the trainer walks by and we ask, our hearts full of hope, "Is it true?  Does Office 2010 have Auto Text?"

We waited for her answer with bated breath.

"Um, yeah, of course it does.  But it just isn't called Auto Text.  I think it's called Quick Parts or something like that."

So I guess whoever started the rumor wasn't entirely wrong, whoever that cruel soul was...

~ The Office Scribe

*  Random thought that I had while staring at the Olive Garden bag from my lunch.  Where are the olives?  Where are there grapes on their logo and not olives?  And also, as a person who just came back from Israel and saw A LOT of olive trees, the only time I saw them in a "garden" were in the Garden of Gethsamene, which leads me to believe that the fine folks at the Olive Garden believe their food to be Christ like. 


And you thought my manic thoughts only happened on Mondays...

Manic Monday - The Too Much To Recap Edition

Okay, so a lot has happened in my life since I last posted.  So much in fact that I can't possibly blog about it all, but since I love lists, I'll just randomly list all the things which happened.

- Snowpocolypse 2011

- Cheeseheads won Super Bowl

- Spent the night in a hotel with 25 fellow employees and it was awesome

- I turned a year older

- The country of Egypt decided to change things up

- I suffered from the worst jet lag EVER

- I read 12 books - and no, I am not kidding.  That damn Kindle is ruining my TV watching schedule

- I tried Walgreens beer

- Head cold from hell

- I'm being haunted by a Sing-A-Ma-Jig (Google at your own risk)

- Can't stop singing Cee Lo Green

I'm sure some other stuff happened, but I can't think back that far.  But I will try to get back on some kind of schedule instead of you know, not posting.

Yay...

~ The Office Scribe

And On The Third Day...

Hi all!  That's right, I'm back. Did you all miss me?  I bet you did.  I really wanted to keep you updated while I was on my travels, but I wasn't going to pay for Wi-Fi in the hotels.  I mean, I love you guys, but not at 30 shekels an hour...

Anywho.... I'll be updating later with some insights from my travels, but not now.  Why?  Because I am suffering from some massive jet lag and I have no idea what time zone I am currently in.  (Okay, it's Central - shut up.)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #46

Thank god the vending machine has Pop Tarts (frosted strawberry - my fav) since I have no food in my house.  But the strange looks I received from my coworkers while heating it weren't cool.  Come on people, who says it has to be heated in a toaster and not in a microwave?  Maybe I like my fruit filing to be scalding!

I don't care if I am in the office for half a day tomorrow - I put my out of office on my phone and e-mail today. Protocol be damned!

It was snowing when I left for work this morning.  Sometime throughout the day it turned to rain. When this happens in Chicago, it means the roads become skating rinks?  Need an example?  I saw a Yukon do a 180 spin while going down the ramp of the parking deck. Thank god it didn't hit anyone because, you know, I was tired and really wanted to get home.  Oh yeah, and because car accidents are um, bad.

At the register, with a line of people behind you, is not the time nor place to argue about how the ugly blue eye shadow you are buying should be 10 cents less.  You don't want your obituary to read how an angry mob beat you down with gallons of milk and road salt bags because you have poor taste in make up and are cheap.

If anyone in my office ever decides to go postal, I am putting big money on it being a printer related rampage.

Thanks to everyone who stayed home today and made my commute decent. I'll return the favor by going on a business trip out of the country for the next week. Yayyyyyy!

P.S. - Stop talking about the Bears/Packers playoff game.  Why?  Because something tells me I won't be able to get the game in the middle of the night in Israel.  Boo.

~ The Office Scribe

*** Hopefully I'll be able to tweet or post during my travels because I know you guys would miss my random words of wisdom if you didn't hear from me for a whole week.

Time To Rent "Passion of the Christ"...

Why?

Because I'm going to Israel.

I'l pause while the jealousy sets in.

Wait, you're note jealous?

Well you should be, because ladies and gentlemen, this isn't for a vacation.  This is a...

WORK TRIP!!!

Yep, and I leave in 2 weeks so there isn't much time to prepare.  I've already downloaded the Bible onto my Kindle and keep saying "Shalom" to everyone, but I am looking for suggestions as how to prepare.  I expect comments.  Lots and lots of comments.

And ye be warned - if I think the comments are offensive, I'll delete them.  Then I will mock you openly as being a horrible person.  Why?  Because this is my blog and I can do what I want!

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The "Happy 2011" Edition

Nothing like coming back to work after the holidays and seeing the parking lot once again filled with cars.  Did kind of make me wonder where the hell 90% of these people were.

Tomorrow is my annual evaluation. I hate these things.  I assume if I were doing a poor job someone would have told me, or you know, fired me.

If you are always looking for a delicious snack might I suggest strawberry yogurt and almonds?

I love recapping the holidays with coworkers and finding out that everyone basically had a chill New Years because everyone was too tired to really whoop it up.  Proof that New Years Eve needs to be moved further away from Christmas to give those of us who don't save our vacations days until the end of the year some down time.

There is a rumor of a Biggest Loser style competition going down in my office this year.  And while one of my goals is to drop a few pounds, nothing inspires me like some good healthy competition and the lure of cold cash.  I'll keep you posted.

~ The Office Scribe