Why is it called a “den” if I can’t sleep in it all winter?

I have been thinking about the economic crisis we find ourselves in the middle of a lot lately. I mean, how can I not when everyday I am bombarded with news about government bailouts, constant layoffs, and how rap stars are being evicted from their mega mansions for failure to pay their mortgages…

All of this thinking has been making me come up with ways for everyone to save money and thus turn our economy around. And there is only one fool-proof suggestion I have come up with: hibernation.

That’s right. Take a page from the book of bears and sleep for a good 4-5 months. How would this improve our economy? Let me explain:

1) Imagine the money people would save if they didn’t have to eat, use utilities (except for heat), drive, play the lottery, visit Best Buy, etc, etc, etc. Sure some companies would not be doing so hot, but those people they lay off could just go hibernate themselves and not have to worry about a lack of a paycheck.

2) It’s incredibly green. If people aren’t driving and purchasing goods they aren’t polluting the air and filling up the landfills. This would shut the environmentalists up and they could spend less money on poster boards and paints and more on getting a suit so they could get a god-damn real job.

3) It may single handedly solve the obesity problem. It’s basically the easiest diet in the world. Gorge yourself on a bunch of food for a few weeks, sleep for 5 months, lose half your body weight, and wake up a new person. If I could market this I would. Healthier people go to the doctors less so we wouldn’t need to pay out a lot in healthcare costs.

President Elect Obama needs to name me to a cabinet position ASAP. I could have this crisis solved by the spring thaw.

~The Office Scribe