We have a lot of committees and groups in my office, but none is more important than the Anti Amish Terrorism Unit. Well, no group WILL be more important when I decided to actually recruit members for the AATU. The reason that I feel the need to create this group is because of what I found in the lunch room yesterday.
Casually sitting next to the coffee maker were two bags of what looked to be liposuction fat from the human body. And how would I know what that looks like? Like all the information I have stored in my head I learned about it from the movies. Remember that scene in Fight Club where Pitt and Norton are chucking bags of fat over the fence in order to make soap? That’s the first image that popped into my head when I saw what lay on the counter.
Turns out that I have a twisted mind and what it actually was were starter batches of Amish Friendship Bread. For those of you unfamiliar with this what I can only assume is incredibly suburban custom, here is the story behind it:
Apparently the only way the Amish can express emotions is through baked items. So when they want to be friends with someone, they give them a bag of this soupy, foamy mixture and then tell them to add some ingredients and BAM! you get some delicious bread that makes an excellent breakfast.
The downside is that when you make your batch of dough, you end up with three extra cups to then pass onto your friends. And so the circle continues until some lazy schmuck like me comes along, makes my bread, but never passes on the starter packs to others. Why? Because I find the concept creepy. Sure the end result is amazing and tasty but in order to get to it you have to spend 10 DAYS working on the starter, which includes letting a combination of yeast, sugar, flour, and milk sit out on your counter and ferment like cheap beer.
I am the kind of person who is a firm believer in the 5 minute rule and sharing cups and using things that are a little expired, but the thought of leaving things out to bubble in a Ziploc on the counter gives me the willies. Which is why I am convinced that the Amish are intent on some sort of world domination by making everyone eat bread that is made from sour milk. When we all keel over they know they won’t have to worry about cars spooking their horses as they drive to a barn raising or tourists gawking at the prices of their exquisitely made quilts. Or people shoving ice cream in their face or asking if they are bowling protégés.
And the best part of start the AATU? The Amish themselves will never know about it because it will be completely technology based. We can operate like a black bag ops group and sneak in when they least suspect us.
Who’s with me?
~The Office Scribe
"If it's not your butt, don't touch it"
4 months ago