Early Morning Shocker*

In what I can only assume was a gesture of kindness one of my co-workers someone dumped about a dozen or so packages of flavored coffee into the regular coffee drawer.

Sweet?

Um, not so much.  I walked into the break room in my usual a.m. haze, grabbed the regular occfee pot, poured a cup and took a sip of something that didn't taste like to rust removing black tar stuff I was used to consuming.  In fact, it smelled more like the dumpster of a Cinabon than coffee.

"I think there's something wrong with the coffee," I said to another employee who was making a cup of tea.

"Someone probably just made one of the specialty kinds," she replied.

Sure enough, when I looked in the trash there was an empty packet of Tiramisu flavored coffee.

If I want my Tiramisu drinkable, I'll chuck it in a blender with a fifth of Khalua like a normal person thank you very much.

And why the regular coffee pot?  Next time mess with the decaf drinkers.  They are much less likely to shank you with a letter opener for mesing with their brew.

~ The Office Scribe

* Get your minds out of the gutter.  As you can see, the shocker had nothing to do with the, um, hand gesture...

She's Like Santa - Only Scarier...

She sees you when you're sleeping.

She knows when you're awake.

She knows if your sitting at your desk, seconds away from banging your head into your desk repeatedly until the blissful embrace of unconsciousness takes you away because the one thing you need to finish today isn't getting done.

Who is this mystery woman?

Oprah

I had a coworker who used to subscribe to Oprah's many newsletters on her work account.  Not something I condone, but hey, I write an entire blog about work.  So who am I to judge.  Anywho, this co-worker moved to a warmer climate (smart girl) and when she did, we had all her e-mails forwarded to my account.

When I started to notice the Oprah e-mails, I started unsubscribing from them.

That was almost 10 months ago.  And they are still coming.

Ready for the second blog post to give you chills in as many days?

The one that popped up today, just as I was about to throw a chair through a window and follow it down three stories, had this as a headline:

HAVE YOU HIT A ROADBLOCK IN YOUR JOB?

(((shudder)))

How the hell did she know?

~ The Office Scribe

Stairway To...Not Going To Say Heaven

I don't know why but I have recently been taking a different stairwell to reach my office.  The cool thing is that the door is only steps from my cubicle.  The bad thing is that I am pretty sure I will be murdered in it one day.

Why?

It's creepy.  Like hella creepy.  Not that it really looks different than the other stairwell.  The creepiness stems from that not as many people use it since you need one of the key cards to exit onto any floor aside from the first.  I've never run into another soul since I started using it.

Perhaps it is my over-active imagination, but I could see the following one day becoming a reality.


It's late one night when The Office Scribe finally finishes up work for the day.  The rest of the office is empty, the other employees all having gone home to see their families and embrace their social lives.  She powers down her computer, shrugs on her jacket, and heads for the stairs. Once the door slams behind her the silence is palpable.  The only sounds she hears are the thuds of her stylish yet ancient Doc Marten's as she plods down the stairs and her breaths coming in short bursts.


She is halfway down the first flight when a door somewhere on a higher floor slams shut and she hears the heavy walk of someone making their way down towards her, at a pace faster than normal.  Her blood starts to run cold, because she has seen wwwaaayyyy too many horror movies and knows exactly what is about the happen.


Slowly she turns and looks up, and stares right into the face of a deranged madman, his eyes bulging from his head.  He starts to laugh.  The deep laugh of the truly insane.  From behind his back he produces a manila envelope, and closes in on The Office Scribe.  She grabs her favorite pen, the only thing she has to defend herself....


The following day someone from the office decides to sneak out for an early smoke, and uses the back stairs to make their escape.  He is so busy fumbling with his pack of cigarettes he almost doesn't notice the pool of blood and the decapitated body of The Office Scribe lying at the bottom of the stairs.  


Panic sweeps through the office as the news of her demise spreads.  The police are called and do an investigation.  The co-workers gather and hold a candlelight vigil on top of the parking deck.  Her cubicle is adorned with black bunting and it is said that no one shall ever sit there again.  Building security installs cameras and become more aware.


But they never seem to notice the quiet janitor who always has the same black Jetstream pen sticking out of the pocket of his work shirt.

Never thought I a post from a blog about office life could give you chills and haunt your dreams, did you?*

Happy Wednesday...

The Office Scribe

* Sometimes a girl just has to put her degree in creative writing to use.

Manic Monday #20

I am so freaking tired today.  Why?  Because the bitch I slept with last night kept me up.  And by bitch I mean the lab/pitbull mix named Sadie who lives at my mom's house.

Nothing quite like an hour and a half commute with 40 miles spent behind a pickup with Truck Nutz.

The mold on the splashguard might be an indication that I need to wash my Nalgeen on a more regular basis.

The adhesive strips I remove from UPS envelopes remind me of those from feminine hygiene products which is why after a busy shipping day my cubicle looks like a girls dorm bathroom two months into the semester after everyone's cycles have synced up.

The perfect accessory to a pair of lichen colored cords is a giant latte stain.  I never would have considered this look had the person at Starbucks not properly snapped the lid on my iced latte.  Thank you random coffee jockey for making my ensemble that much more interesting.

~ The Office Scribe

Please Organize That Desk....Top

At my company, if you are an hourly employee, you have to clock in on arrival and departure so they can pay you properly. And this is done on the computer (though I really wish we had the old fashioned punch cards and tie clocks, but I am on old fashioned kind of gal). Normally this is not an issue, but if an employee was running a few minutes late, because say, the new guy moving into the condo on the second floor felt the need to park a moving truck in front of my car, thus preventing me from leaving on time, this can sometimes be an issue.

See, my computer has been taking FOREVER to start up in the morning. Seriously, it’s like my PC is reenacting the scene from the hangover where Stu is just wandering around the hotel room thinking “What the hell happened here?”

That being said, I sometimes go and use someone else’s computer to punch in. This small act has opened up a window into the lives and souls of my coworkers. Basically, I am amazed by how unorganized their desktop icons are. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to them. They are in any order and they certainly aren’t in straight lines on the screen.

Maybe I’m anal, but I can’t do my job if my desktop isn’t organized. I have a small picture as my wallpaper (Which I change frequently) but all my icons are lined up on either side like a chess board. The ones on the left are the less frequently used ones and administrative icons while the ones on the right are those I can’t live without.

Anyone would be able to sit down at my computer and find exactly what they need.

So dear co-workers, clean up your desktops so I don’t have to go searching for the Virtual Time Clock when I show up a few minutes late.

Yes, it is all about me. You had doubts?

~ The Office Scribe

The Office Scribe - ON ICE!!!

There were no magical costumes.

Or medleys from "The Lion King".

Nor were there semi-enthralled kids who are cracked out of their minds on cotton candy.

There was just me, flailing like Hans Gruber after being tossed off the Nakatomi Building.

Chicago was hit with something called freezing rain last night.  I don't really understand what freezing rain is because I thought if precipitation fell from the heavens and it was below 32 degrees it was considered snow.  But, no, it was raining last night which mean everything was encased in ice like an individually frozen chicken breasts.

And since I haven't invested in crampons for my tractionless work shoes (which are the same Doc Marten's I've had for going on 12 years now...) it was a bit like the ice follies attempting to get from my apartment to my car and from the car to the office.  Luckily once I got to my car I had not problem getting in and the heated seats made up for the tensed up way of walking I used to get to my car to stop me from falling on my arse.  The dumb Eclipse (which if you read any of my previous posts or follow me on Twitter you know I have no love for) looked like a block of solid ice.

It made me giggle.

Once I arrived at work, it wasn't any better.  I watched a car slide dangerously close to one of the light posts which made me wonder if it fell on my car would my company make me take a vacation day to deal with the sorrow of seeing my baby crushed?  Or could I use a bereavement day?

Thank god it warmed up enough to melt the crazy ice, thus making my trip home it's usualy delightful 14 minute ride home to my cozy apartment which I should be cleaning instead of blogging about ice.

Still, I think I have my priorities straight.

~ The Office Scribe

Introductions All Around!

Holy hell people!  I do one little interview and my list of followers explodes like a black toner cartridge on that chick from accountings white shirt.

I was going to do some weak post about waking up late because ghosts changed my alarm settings (maybe tomorrow) but since I was raised right, I decided the more proper thing to do would be to introduce myself to everyone.  So here are some fun facts about yours truly which will let all my followers, both old and new, get a better grasp as to who The Office Scribe really is.

First off, I write under a pseudonym.  Why?  Because I have always wanted to legally change my name to The Office Scribe but my parents wouldn't let me.  Wait, no, that was Rumplestilskin.  I use a fake name because I was afraid of my employers finding out about the blog.  That worked wonders, until I was interviewed by MSNBC.com and people found out.  Opps.  Oh well, as you can see, I didn't lose my job (yay first amendment!) and I continue to write about work.

And since I don't use my real name, sometimes people are confused as to my gender.  I am, in fact, female.  Don't believe anything you hear otherwise.

I write about work because that is where I spend most of my time.  And because when I was a kid I thought working in an office would be a horrible experience.  And yes, sometimes it is.  But I learned to look past that and find the entertainment in working in a cubicle for 8 hours a day.  Sometimes it may seem like I don't like my coworkers but they are my second family and I do enjoy my time with them.

One day though, I would like to finish one of my many screenplays and jet off the Hollywood, buy a place in Venice Beach, and spend my days as a professional misanthrope who makes serious bank writing and directing (I did go to school for both film and creative writing.)

In regards to the blog, you should all know I usually post at night, when the thoughts of the day at the office are fresh in my head.  Every Monday is a Manic Monday post where it's whatever thought occurred to me that day, word vomit style.  And I sometimes run contests, for which there can be fabulous prizes.

I leave you to all digest that which I have just written.  I am a very open person and if you need to know anything, just ask.

Now I'm off the start following all of you who were kind enough to start following me today.  You have no idea what you are in for...

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - Also thanks to those of you who tracked me down via Twitter.  I am all over that crap at night.


P.P.S. - I do have another blog, Away From Her Desk, where I write about stuff that isn't office/work related.  So basically it is a lot of posts about movies and alcohol (two of my favorite subjects).  You may want to check that out too if you get a chance.

Under The Desk With The Office Scribe – An Interview With Travis From “I Like To Fish”

It can be said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  It can also be said that imitation is what occurs when an individual runs out of original ideas and needs some assistance.  That being said, I have decided to start occasionally interviewing fellow bloggers for 3 reasons:

1)   I want to know more about the people behind the words that keep me laughing.

2)   It is a great way to promote funny blogs

3)   I will do anything short of murder and prostitution to promote my own blog. 

My first victim is Travis from I Like To Fish.  I’d like to say that I chose Travis because I thought he was the most interesting person I read so why not start at the top.  Truth is, he was the first person to reply to my desperate plea via Twitter for an interview subject.

So here are my questions and the answers as provided by Travis. (And I did not edit these at all.  I am a creative writer but I don't like it when reporters modify answers.  If you don't like the answers why did you ask the questions?)

I recently found out that we have the same ring tone for our cell phones.  What else do you think we have in common?

Probably our bra sizes. I mean, I have pretty big boobs. I don’t know about you, though. Either way, that’s what I’m going with. Bra sizes or our love for Chicago style deep dish pizza. 

What dead actor would play you in a 5 minute YouTube video about your life?

Chris Farley without a doubt. And I’m not just saying that because he’s fat. He was funny as hell, and he was…well, he was fat. Yeah.

What the biggest one that ever got away?

Are we talking a fish or a woman? If it’s a fish, then it’d be about a 35 pound spoonbill that I tried to reel in on 10 pound test line. I got it to the bank, it flicked its tail, I lost a valuable lure. If it’s a woman, I’ll tell you this. They aren’t too big to get away from ol’ Travy. I mean, back in the day. Now, I’m married, and for sure, I’m not giving The Missus this link. 

Sometimes when I read your blog I want to ask your wife “why?”.  So, could you do me a favor and ask her “why?”?

This is the conversation via text that took place after I read this question.

Me: Do you have time to talk?

The Missus: A little. Why?

Me: Well, I’m doing an interview for a blog, and the following question was asked.

TM: Why I married you?

Me: Hell, I don’t know. Just why.

TM: Well, I was 16 and everyone told me to stay away from that Travis kid, so I listened…for a while. Then it got to a point I could no longer ignore him because he wouldn’t go away. I quickly learned that under all of the stupid things, he was a really great guy with a big heart, no, not enlarged. It took a while, but there is a whole lot more to him than just the silly stuff you guys hear about.

This is why I love my wife, and that’s real.

I want to quote Andy Bernard here. “Any success I have had, either in life or with the ladies, has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.”

Have you ever fallen pray to an infomercial?  And if so, what did you purchase?

SIGH. It was a golf club. Shit was supposed to correct my swing. That was about 10 years ago, and I still shoot a 95. It didn’t work at all. So guess what? I never paid for it. I think I actually paid half, and then ignored the letters and the calls. Surely the statute of limitations has passed by now…

What is your favorite bodily function?

Erections. Without a doubt. Need I say more? 

You live in a small town.  I don’t.  What is the best/worst thing about living in a small town?

The best thing is that you can get to a convenience store in less than a minute from anywhere in town. This comes in handy on beer runs and midnight snack getting. I guess this could explain my weight problem. The worst thing is that everyone knows you. A lot of people would think this is cool, but it’s not. I am known in my hometown as “That guy who blogs.” However, if you asked most of them to tell you what blogging was, they couldn’t do it. It’s ridiculous. People are afraid to talk to me, because, “I might wind up on that internet thing.” Idiots. 

Do you quasi sexually harass everyone you follow on Twitter?

Yes I do. Most of the time I don’t mean to, but my poor brain is so sexually charged all the time, some of it is bound to spill over onto my hot Twitter bitches. Wait. I just did it again, didn’t I. Dammit. 

You recently wrote a post about Lady Gaga possibly being a dude.  You did some thorough research to come to the conclusion you did.  Would you be willing to do this same amount of work to answer the same question about Jamie Lee Curtiss?

I would absolutely take another one for the team on Jamie. I might have to get into this personally with her though, because Kid Funk told me she is actually a hermie. I didn’t see a shell on her though, and she seems kind of big for a hermie. I mean, aren’t they normally on sand somewhere in a “smoking accessory” shop with peace signs painted on their shells? Wait. That’s a hermit crab. Sorry about that. Anyway, you send me pictures of her bidness, I’ll tell you what I find. Oh, and send lotion with the pictures. 

IT’S FOR MY ELBOWS!

What was the last thing you shot?

It was a blackbird. We went rabbit hunting a few weeks ago, and didn’t see any rabbits. Well, when you get 4 grown men out in a field with guns expecting to shoot something, and nothing presents itself, something has to die. This bird was in the wrong place at the wrong time. My buddies also shot a field mouse with a 12 gauge. And I may have taken a pot shot at a red-tailed hawk. 

Have you ever worked in a cubicle?

I did for 20 minutes one time. I can’t admit anything because of ongoing charges being pressed, but we’ll say this, I didn’t go well. I hate cubicles. I’m like that weird guy on Office Space. I just start acting crazy and burn shit down. Wait. Damn. I’ve said too much already.

As a thank you to Travis, he gets to be the first person on the planet to have this, the coveted (?) Under The Desk With The Office Scribe badge!

Thanks!


~ The Office Scribe


* Want to be interviewed in the future?  Drop me a line and we'll chat.

Why Is It Even An Option?

Ahh Fridays.  Possibly the most wonderful day of the week because I get to wear jeans and we quite often order take out.  It makes the day a little more festive.  I wasn't sure what I was in the mood for today, but I within minutes of getting to work one of the managers was at my desk saying her and a few others were in the mood for Jimmy John's and asked if I would be nice enough to get everyone's order.

Jimmy John's is possibly the most amazing chain of sandwich shops in the country.  They started in Illinois, and as everyone knows, everything that comes from Illinois is amazing.  (Okay, maybe not everything.  We are chock full of Chicago Cubs fans and politicians, though have started exporting the latter.)

At my office we are BIG Jimmy John's fans.  So within moments of sending out an e-mail about ordering I had quite a list.  And of course, people wanted to modify their sandwiches by adding extra ingredients or getting chips or cookies.  The nice thing about Jimmy Johns is that you can order on their website which means you can see exactly what you are ordering so you don't miss something.

Sadly, this does not seem to work on the JJ end.  One of the sandwiches, which was requested to have extra avocado for an additional $1.25, showed up without any avocado at all.  But the even bigger issue was the complete lack of mustard packets.  I checked the box for mustard packets and I didn't get any.  The thing is, the same thing happened last time.  I checked the box and still, no mustard.  So this time I even mentioned it in the box where you can type special delivery instructions..

USE SIDE DOOR AND DON'T FORGET MUSTARD!!!

When I called back to complain about the lack of avocado I mentioned that we didn't receive any mustard either.  The guy said he would have it out to us.

10 minutes later the delivery guy was back.  With the corrected sandwich.

And still with no mustard.

So, if anyone that has any pull in the world of Jimmy John's reads this, I ask, why have the option of mustard packets if you never deliver them?

~ The Office Scribe

It should be noted that the mustard wasn't for me.  I hate it.  I think it was invented by the French to cover up the taste of rotten meat.  But I love my fellow co-workers so much I will fight for those choice of condiments always.

Why Did The Banana And The Orange Cross The Road?

Apparently to escape the confines of the lunch they must have been part of.

Like something out of the produce production of "The Sound of Music" they left behind their comfy life under Nazi oppression and fled.

Unfortunately, they made their great escape on the road that leads to my office building and because of the slow moving cabbie who was looking for an address I couldn't swerve and I turned the Captain and Maria into baby food.

That may be the most convincing argument for Lean Cuisines I have ever seen.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #19

I think there should be a work mandate that no one can talk to me on a Monday until after I have been at my desk for an hour.  Think about it.  I've just come back from two days where I gave no thought to work. I haven't had my coffee.  I haven't check my voicemail.  I haven't read through my e-mails.  How do you expect me to answer your questions within five minutes of walking in the door?

I was accused of being telepathic today because I knew someone wanted something from the printer.  This could be because over the past 3 weeks I have watched every episode of Heroes ever made.  But it's more likely that I was at the printer and saw a piece of paper come out with their name on it and thought I would be nice.  

The electric stapler is broken again and no one will own up to it.  This is why we can't have nice things people.

Today was a rough day.  I knew because my computer mouse kept trying to hang itself by jumping off my desk.  I would not have been surprise to see "Brooks Was Here" scratched into the edge of my desk.

I barely left my desk today which means I was either really busy or super lazy.  I suspect one of these two reasons is also why I only had one cup of coffee today.

~ The Office Scribe

Express Yourself (It's Okay)

A little bit of background about yours truly.  I went to public school from K-8 but when it came time for high school, I decided to give private school a chance.  You know, experience something different and all. Well, the first thing I had to adapt to in a LONG line of adaptations was a school uniform.  At first I thought they were ridiculous, forcing girls to wear plaid skirts and button down shirts in limited colors.  Didn't this school know I was a free spirit?  How was I going to be happy wearing the same thing everyday?

Well, as it turns out, I was pretty happy.  See, I am generally a lazy person in the mornings and the fact that the biggest decision I had to make at 5:30 a.m. (I lived a distance from my high school) was what color socks to wear suited me well.  That didn't mean I never had the urge to express myself.  Luckily the school knew this urge would flair up in teens so they scheduled the occasional Slop Day.

Slop Day - noun - A day when for a $1 donation to a charity you can wear jeans, sweatpants, t-shirts whatever.  

In the workplace, Slop Days have become known as Casual Fridays.  This is also known as my favorite day of the week.  It is a chance for people to express who they really are to their fellow co-workers.  Unfortunately, people don't embrace this day as much as they should.  Jeans and a sweater doesn't really tell me much about who you are when you aren't in your cubicle.

Which is why I think employees should be forced to wear Slogan Tees on Casual Fridays.

For example, this is what I wore yesterday:

What does this shirt say about me?  Basically, that I was a child in the 90's and that playing Oregon Trail was the most productive thing I did in computer class.

Okay, so it doesn't scream out much about me but it does say something.

So folks, when you think about what to wear next Friday, try to choose something that will be informative and possibly humorous.  Your co-workers will appreciate it.

~ The Office Scribe

Pump Up The Jam

6 days into 2010 and the office printers have already decided that enough is enough.  Or perhaps they have adopted a green policy.  Either way, they are not happy and are doing everything in their mechanical power to stop is from printing the documents we need in order to do out jobs.


Did they anthropomorphize al la Transformers or Terminator? I WISH! I would totally put up with never having the ability to print again if Optimus Prime was a few cubicles away, trying to convince clients that any destination in that throaty voice that even Barry White envied.


(((sigh)))


Where was I going with this? Oh, right. Printers who hate humanity.


Three different printers today happened to have severe paper jams just as I was walking by. I would see co-workers gathered around like the curious spectators at a cock fight and my natural curiosity would force me to stop doing whatever I was doing and ask, "What's wrong?"


Unfortunately, by me stopping and asking this small query, my co-workers assume that I am the only person in the company who can fix it. Now I don't work in IT. I usually fix things that have gone wrong with electronics by turning them off and on until they work again. I am a button pusher. But I can also read. And these new fangled printing do-dads actually tell you where the paper jams are located, how to open the side panels (which are labeled) and how to remove the piece of paper. So yeah, I can unjam a printer.


Where's my Nobel prize for science?


~ The Office Scribe


P.S. - I apologize for the wacky spacing on this post. I guess I should stop smack talking technolog because this is clearly proof that it hates me.

Manic Monday: Happy 2010 Edition

Something tells me my fellow employees were not overjoyed at having to return to the office today.  And that something was the deafening silence that lasted throughout the morning and into the afternoon.

The best part of starting a new year in the office is seeing all the new calendars go up.  Today I hung my cupcake themed page-a-day which has 365 recipes for cupcakes and muffins.  Here's to hoping no one's New Year's resolution was to eat less baked goods.

I make coffee at work at least a few times a week and today was the first day I noticed that when it starts it sounds like a rocket ship blasting into space.

Today I told a coworker that my mind is perpetually in the gutter.  Her response: "That's what I like about you."

Fun Fact:  The adhesive on a Band Aid is strong enough to pull nail polish off.  Guess how I found this out?

I'm convinced the cleaning crew is stealing my paper clips and selling them on the black market.  How else can you explain the constant lack of paper clips?

~ The Office Scribe

U2 Said It Best

And the battle's just begun
There's many lost but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday


I am pretty sure that they were singing about the day before having to go back to work after an extended break.  


I haven't been at my desk since last Wednesday, like many others in the corporate world.  The last four days have been spent doing two of the things which mark the start of a new year; drinking until your tongue goes numb with your friends and taking down the holiday decorations because the tree is starting to become a fire hazard.  But tomorrow I once again don "work" attire and answer e-mails because that is what they pay me to do.


But I don't want to.


Sure, I could stay home and continue to watch "Heroes" until NetFlix refuses to send me any more DVD's.  But I am sure muscle atrophy would set in and I don't have the upper body strength to pull off a wheel chair.  And I'm not old enough to qualify for a Medicare subsidized Rascal.


So tomorrow I guess I'll go to work.  I just hope there isn't a lot going on.


But who am I kidding?


~ The Office Scribe

No Work For The Weary

Like so many other Americans, I have the day off work, so I don't plan on writing a blog post longer than a few sentences.  If you want to read about my night and The Sangria Monster you should head over to my blog dedicated to all non-work related posts, Away From Her Desk.

So, until Monday when there will be a new Manic Monday post, have a wonderful weekend and remember to keep those resolutions.  (At least until the end of the month.)

~ The Office Scribe