Monday, May 25, 2009

Manic Monday - The Memorial Day Edition

Since I wasn't at work today (yeah!) this weeks Manic Monday post was inspired by the drive home from my mom's house.  After a lovely long weekend up there I was forced to return to the real world earlier today.  And if you close your eyes and have someone who sounds like Ian McKellan (Happy Birthday!) read it aloud you might even feel like you were there, riding on the great 1.5 hour journey I make at least twice a month.

I was super excited that while looking for a drill this weekend I came across my micro-cassette recorder so I could easily capture my thoughts while driving since using a pen and paper can be dangerous.  But then I spent the first 15 minutes of my drive swerving back and forth in my lane as I tried to figure out why I sounded like Alvin from the Chipmunks.  I guess maybe writing things down would be safer.

The drive home goes through a lot of farmland.  And I know that cow manure is one of the things farmers till into their fields to make their crops grow.  But come on Science - isn't there something you can do to make it smell more like brownies and less like cow shit?

Have you ever put your iPod on shuffle so you can sing along with whatever comes on and you get halfway through a song before you realize you are singing along with "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" by Michael Bolton*?  Um, yeah, me neither...

I'm guess that they call them "Turf Farms" because if you told people you grew grass for a living they would probably report you to the ATF.  

53 miles into my drive back home I started to get the bathroom bumps.  You know, the goosebumps you get when you realize you drank way too much iced tea before leaving moms and suddenly have to go to the bathroom and you don't want to stop because you are making really good time and you just start praying you can get home in time.**

If the speed on I-88 was truly "photo enforced" there would not be enough film in the state of Illinois to provide evidence of everyone that is going over 55 m.p.h.  (And if you are going to get all technical and say it is a digital camera I will smack you.  Yep, right through the computer. Don't be an ass.)

Et tu Brute?  I drove past a sign that said "Happy Memorial Day" and instead of having a picture of a flag or a soldier it has a drawing of the bust of Julius Cesar.  I know it was a long weekend and I spent a lot of time in the sun, but if someone could explain this to me it would be appreciated.

I'm sick of highways constantly adding lanes or widening.  Seriously, I think we are only about 3 years away from just paving over the entire Midwest.  And the funny thing is, no matter how many lanes you add traffic never gets any better.  You know what makes traffic better?  NOT DOING CONSTRUCTION FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.

My mom and I went to see "Wolverine" and while his brother Victor was a character I now understand while his sister wasn't mentioned.  Turns out La Quisha with the talons of a pissed off eagle and the weave to match works at a toll booth.  I guess they didn't think that was interesting enough to include in the movie...  But at least they were painted with the Stars and Stripes, so kudos to La Quisha for keeping it Memorial Day real.

State Troopers have no interest in pulling over people who are doing 60 in a 55 but thanks for slamming on the breaks and almost causing an accident when you saw him sitting on the side of the road.  Oh, and btw - he would pull you over if you caused a 12 car pile up.

Dear Guy In The Green Tahoe,
Don't act like you have never rocked out the "Jai Ho" while driving down the road.  
Love, TOS

Why is the parking lot at Morton's Steakhouse full?  Aren't we in a recession?  I mean, I know steaks are common fare for Memorial Day but why pay $50 for one that doesn't even come with a cold PBR from your cousin Ned's bait cooler?

If you can't suppress the urge to stick something through your sunroof might I recommend something more interesting than your hand?  Try your head or a foot.  Those are sure to get some quality looks.  Especially if you are the one driving.

Happy Memorial Day!

~The Office Scribe

* No, I did not pay for a Michael Bolton song.  I swear on a stack of Good Housekeeping magazines that it was the free download of the week last December on iTunes.
** Don't fret, even though I got the bathroom bumps again at mile 67 I was able to make it home.  Crisis averted.

1 comment:

M said...

- So, you keep your micro-cassette recorder in your toolbox?
- We can put a man on the moon but why can’t Apple create a function that “hides” the genre Christmas so that we can hit random without getting Winter Wonderland in August?
- Turf Farmer, hahaha, tough job, you just sit on the front porch and watch the grass grow.
- Bathroom Bumps and you still made it home?!?! You are my new hero!
- I don’t have the SDM soundtrack but as I read your post I thought, “I soo could rock out to ‘Jai Ho’ while driving”.
- You can bet you didn’t see my car at Morton’s. I’m in this recession with the rest of the majority.
- “I’m a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn’t get any better than when he sings “When a Man Loves a Woman””.
Just found your blog and loved your Memorial Day post!