Creature Of Habit

So I left work on Friday at 6:00 (my turn to pull the late shift) and had a mild panic attack when I looked down from our floor to where I usually park on the top of the parking lot and didn't see my car.  Seeing as how it was 6:00 on a Friday there were only about 3 cars up there and none of them where mine.

"Okay," I thought.  "I know I drove to work today. So where the hell is my car?"

I thought maybe it was towed for running a toll 3 years ago and not paying it.  (Yeah, the state of Illinois has a LONG memory.)  Funny enough, the thought that it was stolen didn't even occur to me.  Why?  Because I have secrectly been wishing for that to happen since I need a new car and I don't want to wait until August when I said I would.

Then it dawned on me:  For some strange reason I decided to park on the first floor in a sweet spot right next to the door.  I remember thinking "Wow, this is an awesome spot!  Sometimes it pays to start work at 10:00!"

That is until you forget where you parked and look like an idiot standing on the landing of the third floor looking for your car.

Thank god no one was there to see me.  

~ The Office Scribe

Could You Use That In A Sentence?

I was reading today that some lucky little kid won the National Spelling Bee.  The winning word was "Laodicean" which means lukewarm or indifferent in religion or politics.  So some special little girl won $50,000 and will go down in history for spending the formative years of her life reading the dictionary instead of playing with Barbies or prank calling boys using three-way calling.  (Wait, do girls still do this or am I dating myself with this example?)

But it got me to thinking that I miss competition.  Sure, I go to Pub Trivia once a week but considering I spend most of my time in the office I would like to see a little more good, healthy co-worker vs. co-worker rivalry.  And I don't mean stealing sales leads or manipulating the data to make someone look bad.  

It wouldn't even have to be physical challenges; though a nice couple days of Double Dare like sliming might be fun...

~ The Office Scribe

Funny P.S. to this...

When I ran the spell check on this post, the only word that came up as misspelled was the wining word from the National Spelling Bee.  I cry foul on this who situation...

Okay, Who Was It???

So today I get an e-mail from someone telling me they saw my blog mentioned in an article on USA Today.   

Curious, I asked what article he was looking at.

He came back and told me it had something to do with "Jon and Kate Plus 8" being faked and talking about Kate's sisters blog and I guess the author of the article mentioned my blog because they are one of my readers.

So the question is:  Which one of you fools is writing about me in USA Today and not letting me know?  I love seeing my name in print (I'll blog about the MSNBC post* soon).

Just let me know in the comments or drop me a line at TheOfficeScribe@yahoo.com because I spent an hour trying to track down this article with no luck.  So seeing as how Google failed me I need your help.

And to anyone else that wants to write about me, that is cool, just let me know.  I like to print things off for my mom to hang on her fridge.

~The Office Scribe

* Oh yeah, I was interviewed by MSNBC.com.  I didn't mention that?  Hmm.  Imagine that...

Manic Monday - The Memorial Day Edition

Since I wasn't at work today (yeah!) this weeks Manic Monday post was inspired by the drive home from my mom's house.  After a lovely long weekend up there I was forced to return to the real world earlier today.  And if you close your eyes and have someone who sounds like Ian McKellan (Happy Birthday!) read it aloud you might even feel like you were there, riding on the great 1.5 hour journey I make at least twice a month.

I was super excited that while looking for a drill this weekend I came across my micro-cassette recorder so I could easily capture my thoughts while driving since using a pen and paper can be dangerous.  But then I spent the first 15 minutes of my drive swerving back and forth in my lane as I tried to figure out why I sounded like Alvin from the Chipmunks.  I guess maybe writing things down would be safer.

The drive home goes through a lot of farmland.  And I know that cow manure is one of the things farmers till into their fields to make their crops grow.  But come on Science - isn't there something you can do to make it smell more like brownies and less like cow shit?

Have you ever put your iPod on shuffle so you can sing along with whatever comes on and you get halfway through a song before you realize you are singing along with "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" by Michael Bolton*?  Um, yeah, me neither...

I'm guess that they call them "Turf Farms" because if you told people you grew grass for a living they would probably report you to the ATF.  

53 miles into my drive back home I started to get the bathroom bumps.  You know, the goosebumps you get when you realize you drank way too much iced tea before leaving moms and suddenly have to go to the bathroom and you don't want to stop because you are making really good time and you just start praying you can get home in time.**

If the speed on I-88 was truly "photo enforced" there would not be enough film in the state of Illinois to provide evidence of everyone that is going over 55 m.p.h.  (And if you are going to get all technical and say it is a digital camera I will smack you.  Yep, right through the computer. Don't be an ass.)

Et tu Brute?  I drove past a sign that said "Happy Memorial Day" and instead of having a picture of a flag or a soldier it has a drawing of the bust of Julius Cesar.  I know it was a long weekend and I spent a lot of time in the sun, but if someone could explain this to me it would be appreciated.

I'm sick of highways constantly adding lanes or widening.  Seriously, I think we are only about 3 years away from just paving over the entire Midwest.  And the funny thing is, no matter how many lanes you add traffic never gets any better.  You know what makes traffic better?  NOT DOING CONSTRUCTION FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.

My mom and I went to see "Wolverine" and while his brother Victor was a character I now understand while his sister wasn't mentioned.  Turns out La Quisha with the talons of a pissed off eagle and the weave to match works at a toll booth.  I guess they didn't think that was interesting enough to include in the movie...  But at least they were painted with the Stars and Stripes, so kudos to La Quisha for keeping it Memorial Day real.

State Troopers have no interest in pulling over people who are doing 60 in a 55 but thanks for slamming on the breaks and almost causing an accident when you saw him sitting on the side of the road.  Oh, and btw - he would pull you over if you caused a 12 car pile up.

Dear Guy In The Green Tahoe,

Don't act like you have never rocked out the "Jai Ho" while driving down the road.  

Love, TOS

Why is the parking lot at Morton's Steakhouse full?  Aren't we in a recession?  I mean, I know steaks are common fare for Memorial Day but why pay $50 for one that doesn't even come with a cold PBR from your cousin Ned's bait cooler?

If you can't suppress the urge to stick something through your sunroof might I recommend something more interesting than your hand?  Try your head or a foot.  Those are sure to get some quality looks.  Especially if you are the one driving.

Happy Memorial Day!

~The Office Scribe

* No, I did not pay for a Michael Bolton song.  I swear on a stack of Good Housekeeping magazines that it was the free download of the week last December on iTunes.

** Don't fret, even though I got the bathroom bumps again at mile 67 I was able to make it home.  Crisis averted.

No You Can Not Join The FC

Things You Can Do That Will Not Make Me Let You Be On The Fun Committee*:

Tell me how fun you are.  Hey, guess what?  We work together on a daily basis.  I have a pretty good idea if you are fun or not.  And if you have to tell me you are fun, methinks you aren't.

Threaten to start your own committee.  If you can convince the company to fund you in your little endeavor in this economy more power to you.  But chances are it isn't going to happen so I don't feel like the FC is in any danger

Mention how since a FC member was laid off you should get their position.  Two words:  Not Cool.  I know we are a bunch of vultures when it comes to scaveging items from the recently departed's desk but bringing up the sad fact that someone lost job in order to be "fun" doesn't work.

Bad mouth the FC.  I told you "no" for one of the above reasons so you think telling me how lame everything we do is will change my mind?  Think again.

Bring ideas to the table that require an act of god or a bailout from the federal government.  Yes, it would be awesome if we could give every a thousand dollars and a puppy instead of doing a company-wide breakfast, but be serious.  Where would be find that many dogs?  Last I checked Michael Vick wasn't in that business anymore...  (Too soon?)

Confuse the Eiffel Tower and the Leaning Tower of Pisa but think both are in Paris. Yeah, you know who you are.  And I want my Eiffel Tower back on my desk tomorrow.

Think that I have the power to make these decisions.  Sure, I am one of the founding members.  And yes, I do seem to have the position of authority within the committee.  But I am not an elected official given the power to make you a member of the FC or to keep you from being a member.  Go talk to HR.  Why do I keep saying no?  Because you let me and picking on people is one of my greatest joys in life.  Yeah, I am kind of a bully.  

~The Office Scribe

* Could I have worded that any weirder?  I don't even know what I am trying to say...

Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor...But Oh God What About Vacations???

When I came into work on Monday there was an e-mail from the guy who runs the mailroom that he was going to be out of the office for a week on vacation.  Good for him.  Everyone deserves to take some time off and get away from the office.  And this guy is one of the best guys in the company.  He is one of those guys that everyone loves and since he runs the mailroom all by himself, he is kinda awesome.  He was even deemed awesome in the eyes of the company a few years back when he was named "Employee of the Year".

So a few days have gone by and I have practically been tied to my desk with all the work I have so I haven't been to the mailroom.  Apparently things may not be running as smoothly as when the normal guy is here.  We have some guest mailroom workers who just don't seem to be able to keep up with the amount of mail and faxes that come in on a daily basis.  Nor do they seem to be able to get to all the FedEx packages that are stacked up at days end waiting to get picked up.

And it's not that these people are incompetent. (Okay, some of them maybe.  I am not sure who is all on the vacation mailroom task force.)  It just goes to show how awesome the regular guy is.

So maybe not everyone in the company should be able to leave for extended periods of time...

~ The Office Scribe

Note:  I am not one of these people that shouldn't be allowed to take time off.  Actually, I should be given extra vacation days in order to cut down on the slight rage that might be building up towards certain co-workers.  But more on that later...

Manic Monday #5

So it seems that my company went and did the unthinkable and blocked all Blogger and Blogspot blogs.  So now I have to like take notes and then post them when I get home and you know what happens?  I think too much.  Bugger.

Whenever I hear a cellphone ring in the office and the ringtone is still the one that came with the phone I think, "Wow.  That person is really boring.  Why would anyone be calling them?"

When the background of your website is so distracting that the simplest text can't be read it's time to take your web designer out into the parking lot and beat him with a section of rubber hose.

Yes, I cut the head off the squeaky pig that everyone in the company got and put it on my Dundy Award from the season 2 DVD boxed set from "The Office".  So stop looking at me like I am Charles Manson and go back to your own cubicle.

When I started at my company you could go and grab supplies like pens and pads of paper off a cart by the mail room.  But then they realized that people were stealing things for home use so then they made you fill out a form when you needed stuff.  Seemed to work.  But recently they scrapped that idea to go more "green" and set up some complicated hard to find spreadsheet to fill out whenever you need a pen.  That's great.  Perhaps I will just stop using supplies at all.  I'll go totally green.  So when you start to get notes written in my own blood because I can't find a working pen and am too tired to fill out the form you can't complain.

Which brings me to this:

I was a little bored at work today and I was flipping through the office supply catalog and came across some things that I found odd amongst the pens and office furniture.  Namely:

- A tape gun shaped like a shark

- Pastel highlighters which I think defeat the purpose of highlighting, which if I am not mistaken is to make things stand out.

- Crayons

- Toe Tags (Okay, they may have been mailing tags but they looked like toe tags)

- A motivational poster that says "TEAMWORK - Many hands, many minds, one goal" with a picture of the Great Wall on it.  Um, correct me if I am mistaken, but I believe the Great Wall was built by soldiers, commoners, and prisoners.  And if that is what is in your office you may want to search for a new job.

- And the best item - a $300 stethoscope

Coked Out Of My Mind

You hear stories of the 1980's where preppy businessmen in $1000 suits would be doing bumps of coke off of boardroom tables just before a big presentation, in order to get that extra step up needed to be their best.

Well this isn't the 1980's anymore and for the three years I have worked in an office I have never seen an ounce of Booger Sugar anywhere nor has anyone offered me a toot.  So I think I can safely assume that the drug of choice in my office isn't imported in the abdomens of drug mules from Colombia.

Nor do I even think the drug of choice is cigarettes.  Out of the approximately 150 employees that work with me I think I can only name about 7-10 that I see smoking outside on a regular basis.

So what does the normal office worker do to put that bounce in their step?

Chug copious amounts of caffeine until the computer screen blurs into a collage of colors, thus making the spreadsheets just that much more interesting to look at.  

My personal "drug" of choice?

Coffee before noon followed by Diet Coke.  On Friday's I start the day off with a Venti Quad non Fat Latte.  

Oh yeah, when I come home I crash on my couch like I just ran a marathon.  Who knew working in an office could be so exhausting?

~ The Office Scribe

An Open Letter To The Soccer Mom

I have noticed that the concept of an "open letter' has become quite popular in blog, so I decided that I should jump on this bandwagon and write one myself.

Dear Soccer Mom,

First off, let me compliment you on your choice of car.  When I am stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic there is nothing that I like to stare at more than the rusted out bumper of a 1997 Dodge Caravan in the same shade of beige as the walls of a mental institution.  Of course, you improved on this magnificent chariot by plastering it with support ribbon magnets and stickers promoting which soccer team little Timmy is contractually obligated to play on.  

But let's get to the meat of this letter and that would be your inability to TEXT AND DRIVE AT THE SAME TIME.

Holy cow woman. (And I can say "holy cow" because you had a Cubs sticker in addition to all the other crap on the back of your car.)  I know it takes a lot of motor skills to text, but how about applying those skills to maneuvering the 2 ton piece of machinery?  I could see that you were really concentrating on texting because YOUR EYES WERE NEVER ON THE ROAD!  

Oh, and the best part - the fact that you left a good four car lengths in between you and the car in front of you, allowing numerous cars to slide in, thus making my commute a good 15 minutes longer.

I hope you were late to pick up Timmy from soccer practice and he was abducted by a cult*.

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, not like a mean cult, but one of those cults that are more like hippie compounds.  So in 15 years Soccer Mom would see a homeless pot smoking hippie playing the bongos and singing about the wonders of hemp and go "Oh my god it's Timmy".  Kind of like a Hallmark movie.

Jay Z Got 99 Problems But Craig’s List Ain’t One

Ahh, the time honored tradition of taking a nice 30 minute break with your co-workers to eat leftovers from last nights dinner while talking about mind-numbingly inane topics is order to forget what is sitting back at your desk waiting for you.

That’s right, I’m talking lunch.

I have been a part of a lunch group ever since I started with my current company. And I have to say, it’s pretty nice to be sitting at a table with some people instead of awkwardly sitting at my own table wishing I wasn’t eating alone. Remember who those kids were in grammar school? I don’t think much changes for them when they grow up…

Throughout my 2.5+ years of working here I have seen a lot of changes happen with the lunch group. People join and people leave. In the face of the most recent round of economy induced layoffs the two most popular (yes, I know I sound like I am in 4th grade) lunch groups came together and formed some sort of mega-lunch council which takes over half of the lunch room at 1:00 p.m. every day. And I am part of this mega-lunch group.

But something tells me that there might be too many people eating together now. Not only do we need one table, but sometimes two. And while it is awesome that so many people can come together and gossip about others in the company or what happened on “Dancing with the Stars” last night, trying to hear what is happening on the other side of the table can be difficult.

And today I was presented with a perfect example of this which I will present in script format for lack of a better layout…

INT – LUNCH ROOM – NOON
A group of co-workers sit around two round lunch table that have been pushed together, forming a figure-eight surrounded by chairs. At one end of the table (end A) there is a discussion going on about the CRIAG’S LIST KILLER. I don’t actually remember what was being discussed down at my end of the table (end B.

Co-Worker #1 (End A)
So I heard his fiancé is still in love with him, even though he killed all those people on Craig’s List.

Co-Worker #2 (End B)
Jay Z?

At this point everyone looks at Co-Worker #2 like she is crazy. That is, until we start to reconstruct what happened.

See, it seems that Co-Worker #2 thought she heard that “Beyonce” was still in love with someone even though he was the Craig’s List Killer. And since Beyonce is married to Jay Z, she just assumed that we had found out that Jay Z was the Craig’s List Killer.

This is what happens when the lunch group gets too large to support a normal stream of conversation. But short of holding a Survivor like tribal council to vote people off I think we are stuck with the number we have now.

At least I know we will have some fun conversations in the future.

~The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #4

I really hope the people who design clip art don’t fancy themselves artists because 90% of it looks like it was made by a pre-schooler who drew it with the crayon still stuck up his nose.

Guess what? If you highlight everything on a page nothing stands out anymore. The only thing you have drawn my attention to is the fact that you use a purple highlighter, the most obnoxious highlighter color of all.

It is my personal belief that bathrooms should be a no-talking zone. You know why I am in there and it isn’t to talk about your grandchildren.

I wonder how many paperclips are thrown away each year because of people like me who take the clop off a stack of papers, place it on the desk, then realize an hour later that they have straightened the whole thing or shaped it into their initials in a fit of boredom.

Yes, I am wearing footwear that violates dress code policy. And no, I didn’t do it on purpose. This is what happens when I come into work after a long weekend at my lake house. You should all just be grateful I remembered pants.

Overheard in the office – “I need your nose” – Possibly had to do with a perfume sample but I can’t safely make that assumption.

The Terra Cotta Warrior I bought this past weekend might for my desk is bad-assed. But he is still not king of the chachkes. That honor belongs to Jim Thome Bobblehead because he is awesome and carries his own bat.

Thank God For That Creative Writing Degree

So over at Mattress Police there is a weekly caption contest, and guess what?

I won this week!

And yes, I do consider this the first writing contest I have ever won and when I publish my first of many novels I will mention this in my biography that talk radio show hosts are given before they interview me right between the weather report and the drive times on the Ike.

So thanks to everyone who voted for me. Your checks are in the mail.

~The Office Scribe

Best Domestic Violence Ringtone EVER!!!

Someone in one of our offices overseas is named Luca and one of my co-workers commented about how he liked that name.

But I heard the name Luca and instead of thinking how interesting it was I thought “Isn’t that the name of a song by Susan Vega?”

Turns out I was right. Overshadowed by her famous song which I can’t remember the name of but goes something like Do Do DO Do do do do DO Do Do Do DoDO, “My name is Luca” was a song about a child, well, being beaten. So I pulled up the lyrics to see exactly what the song was about.

Here are the lyrics for those unfamiliar with this happy little ditty:

My name is luca
I live on the second floorI
live upstairs from you
Yes i think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

Just don't ask me what it was (3x)

I think it's 'cause i'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because i'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why

You just don't argue anymore (3x)

Yes i think i'm okay
I walked into the door again
If you ask that's what i'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess i'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown

Just don't ask me how i am (3x)

My name is luca
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes i think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

Just don't ask me what it was(3x)

They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why

You just don't argue anymore (3x)

The best part? The fact that at the top of the website where I found the lyrics was an advertisement to have this song sent to your phone to use as a ringtone. How twisted do you have to be to want to hear a song about child abuse every time someone calls you? That has to rank right up there in popularity with “Rape Me” by Nirvana and “American Pie” by Don McLean (It’s about people dying in a plane crash, I don’t care how cool you think it is to sing when you get drunk. Like I did. At a wedding. This past weekend.)

You can tell so much about a person based on their ringtone.

~The Office Scribe

Oh, It’s Fine Until I Run Out Of Fuel

Ever feel like you are in some sort of holding pattern? Like if you spread your arms like airplane wings you could circle your office for hours, unsure of when you would land, only coming back down to earth after your engines sputtered and you crashed into a marshy borderland*…

Okay, perhaps I am being a bit dramatic but I feel like there are a million things I should be doing but I can’t because I am waiting on answers from co-workers. And chances are those co-workers are waiting on answers from people on the other side of the planet, who are either waiting on answers themselves or ignoring the pleas, hoping we will go away.

I think this is why I could never be in charge of a business. I have no patience when it comes to waiting for people to get back to me. There is a wonderful little feature on Outlook where when you get an e-mail a small yellow envelope pops up in the lower right hand corner of the screen. I am compulsive in the way I check for new e-mails. Chances are if you send me an e-mail you will have one back from me in less than ten minutes with either an answer or telling you I need more time to find an answer.

How difficult is that?

Well, if you are any number of people that I deal with on a daily basis apparently getting back to me in a reasonable amount of time ranks right up there with turning coal into diamonds. It ain’t going to get done until I apply pressure for an extended period of time. (Or until I gain the powers of Superman and can crush you with my hand until you do my bidding.)

Sorry if I seem a little whiny today. Wednesday are not my favorite day of the week.

~The Office Scribe

* Note: This is one of those plane crash scenarios where no one is really injured. In my mind you get an adrenaline pumping ride on the way down and then get to exit the plane on one of those neat yellow bouncy slides. So yes, my warped perception of a plane crash compares it to more of a county fair than a horrific tragedy. Unless there are clowns. Then we are right back to horrific tragedy.

I Guess Roaches Don’t Hold MBA’s

The topic of my mother’s daily phone call to me was about the discussion she had with the guy who lives next door about her ant problem. See, for the past couple weeks ants of varying sizes has been crawling through the first floor of her house. From what we can tell, they are coming up through the electrical outlets because that is where we see a lot of dead ones. Our neighbor told her the ants were because the house is relatively new and she might have them, cringe, living in the walls.

Ewww.

He said that after his house was built they called out the Orkin man who sprayed the entire house. He said that it was like a biblical plague when the ants all came POURING out of the walls. Apparently there were so many you could hear them.

This lovely discussion, which I am sure will make it impossible for me to ever get a decent nights sleep at my mom’s place ever again, got me to thinking.

Why are there no bugs in my office?

In the 8 months we have been in this building I have never seen a bug. Not an ant, fly, mosquito, or anything. Not even a cobweb and I don’t think it is because of the fabulous cleaning crew we have. (Remember the Cheeto?) I thought this was amazing, that this place was so sealed from the outside would that no bugs could get in.

But then, as usual, I couldn’t live in that happy little place that I had to seek out the dark side that constitutes about 97% of my brain.

Why don’t we have bugs in the office? There are always massive amounts of sugary foods that would have flies on it in an instant of I left it out at my house. But here chunks of birthday cake and sit until they petrify. Rotten food hangs out in garbage cans and sugar spilled on the countertops are never fleck with ants.

So I came to the conclusion that the air which I breathe for a good 8-9 hours each day has to be so stale that it can’t support the same type of life that would survive a nuclear blast. That perhaps they use chemicals so toxic to kill insects that if one of my co-workers gave birth to an Ewok it wouldn’t be that surprising. That my office isn’t as attractive to start a blowfly colony in, as say, a corpse? (Sorry, I have been watching a lot of Bones lately.)

And they wonder why people in office’s keel over the moment they retire. Our bodies can’t take all that fresh air.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #3

So I guess I haven’t blogged in exactly one week. And it’s not for lack of anything to write about. That is the wonderful thing about working in an office; you are always supplied with blog fodder. Truth be told I haven’t written because I was really busy at work for the three days I was here last week before I skedaddled for my mom’s place for an extended weekend. Hopefully this week will provide some much needed workplace entertainment.

And now onto the randomness:

I think Microsoft Office might have the Swine Flu. I mean, I know computers can get viruses and that viruses can jump from species to species, but the real question is, can my computer get a human disease. Perhaps I need to contact John Connor and ask him about this.

I can not see the name Edward without thinking about that God forsaken Twilight book and equally craptastic movie. Thanks for ruining the following things for me Stephanie Meyer:
- Edward Scissorhands
- Edward James Almos
- Prince Edward Island
- Edward Hospital in Naperville, Illinois
- Edward Jones Investments
P.S. If you start to type “Edward” into Google the first thing that pops up is “Cullen”. Eeeeww

About 90% of the e-mails I get from co-workers pertain to lunch. What time are we eating? Does anyone have a plastic fork? Who wants half of my sandwich?

I forgot my glasses at my moms place this weekend. And for about the first 3 hours my eyes were bothering me from looking at the computer. But now things seem to be fine. Which is just confirming my suspicion that my glasses were a placebo and were in fact made from the same stuff as Pella windows.

Okay. We get it. Warm weather wants to make people take their clothes off and this is not an acceptable practice for the office. If multiple memos about dress code policy don’t seem to be working perhaps more drastic action is needed. Like public humiliation. Point out who in the office looks like a hooker and maybe then they will get the message.

~The Office Scribe

And yes, this is my 200th post. Does that mean I get a medal or something?