Another One Bites The Desk

So it was a little sad around the office today as my co-worker LaG just left. In her honor we had a nice little pizza lunch where we rehashed tales of co-workers who had left our companies ranks. And not just any co-workers. The ones that seemed to disappear into thin air.

Pam Who Didn’t Like Desk Work
Pam, who used to be a flight attendant, came to work at my company shortly after I did in the same entry level position I was in. Our duties required us to spend about 75% of our day at computers entering forms into our database. Well, after about a week Pam decided that she was going to leave because she didn’t “think there was going to be so much time spent in front of a computer”.

That Chick Who Won The Raffle Then Left
One of the first things the Fun Committee ever did was throw a fiesta with chips and dip and raffle off a lovely picnic pack. (I say lovely because I put it together.) The winner was this woman who had been in my department just shy of two weeks. And when I say in my department I mean in only the physical sense because she spent her hours doing her homework from night school. But no sooner had she won the prize (valued at $50) then she whispered to a co-worker “nice working with you” and didn’t show up the next day.

The One Who Made A Break At During Her Lunch Break
My mom, who used to work her, told me a tale about a woman who left for lunch and never came back. I like to think she just had one too many martinis and forgot how to get back to the office.

And Who Could Forget – D
D came to our company bragging about being a returning employee. Seems she worked for us back in the dark ages when the company was run out of a horse barn. And it was part time. And only for three months. But when she came back she thought she was the shit. And of course, she was delighted that I was the one training her, being that I was about 40 years younger than her.

Either I am awesome at training people or something fishy was afoot because even though she was horrible at data entry she got a promotion to sales in no time. I was so baffled I actually called off sick the next day and chalked it up to a Mental Health Day.

This woman, who sat comfortably in her sixties, liked to dress like a hooker who worked the corner in Soviet block nation. Once, and I kid you not, she showed up to work in a see through top. Because I don’t know about you, but nothing makes my work day complete like seeing old lady bra.

But her most shining achievement came during the company Christmas party. She was wasted out of her mind and hanging all over a fellow sales person much to the disgust of those forced to look at her act. She downed cocktails like she had a disease and they were the cure. And then she disappeared. Her name was announced as the winner of one of the prizes and no one could find her.

That is, until a few of my co-workers decided to hit the bathroom and found her puking all over a stall. And then these co-workers informed HR about it, and the rest of us employees still milling about the party.

So I guess it came as no shock that she didn’t last that much longer in the company.

I haven’t actually given it much thought, how I would like my exit to go. Sure, it would be nice to be carried out on the shoulder of my fellow employees while flower petals were strewn about and people lamented my departure. But then another part of me wants to go out in a blaze of glory that will be added to company lore.

But in this economy, perhaps it is best to think about how to keep a job and not how to leave one.

~The Office Scribe