A Symphony of Coughs

It is that splendid time of year again when everyone around me develops symptoms that remind me of scenes from some of my favorite movies: 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead, Casper… You know what I am talking about. You pass someone in the hall and they seem to be sweating even though the office is a brisk 38 degrees. Or in the lunchroom you look over and see someone who looks like they might have forgotten why they came to the lunchroom, their look glazed over with confusion. Or you glance into a cubicle as you walk by and see it’s occupant a ghastly shade of grey.

Yes people, it is cold and flu season in my office. The irony is that today is the day that the company arranged for a nurse to come in and give the willing flu shots. While I myself am not getting a flu shot because I am refusing to get sick this year there were plenty of people lined up for them. Though I think for many, it is already to late.

So for those of you who do come down with some sort of contagious illness, do me a favor and follow these simple steps for not spreading it to those of us who want to use our sick days for something better, like shopping…

1) Do not tell people that you are not sick, but it’s “just your allergies” acting up. Really, what are you allergic to in November? And I know how allergies work. Sure they make you cough and sneeze, but they do not give you the chills and make you vomit.
2) Do not ask to borrow my pen. I have a horrible habit of sticking my pens in my mouth. So don’t think of it as me not wanting your cold germs, think of it as a way of me protecting you from my spit.
3) Do not refuse to take something because you are going to be brave, strong, bullheaded, etc. God invented Walgreens for a reason; to provide sick people with wonderful medications which will make them feel better. Don’t want to take cough medicine? Tough. Swallow that crap so you’ll stop coughing and spreading more germs.
4) Do not come into work if you are on death’s doorstep. Sure, management will love to know that you are a team player, but how will they feel when in a week or two when you are the only team player because the rest of the team is home with your flu?
5) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WASH YOUR HANDS!!! I appreciate that you cover your mouth when you cough but then using that hand to touch the printer we all used, crap, you might as well have unleashed right into my face. At the God-Given Walgreens they also make hand sanitizer which is a good substitution for hand washing until corporate installs those sinks in our cubicles.

So please, put some thought into your actions when you start to feel a little, as my father used to call it, “punky”. Because as much as I like sharing things with my co-workers, germs and nausea is not one, or two, of them.

~The Office Scribe