Saturday, October 30, 2010

Things That Go Bump In The Office

There is nothing like turning Casual Friday into Costume Friday...

Sadly, not many people dressed up in my office this year. (Oh, don't worry, I did.  I might even post some pics.)

But for those of you who also find yourselves working 9 to 5 within the padded walls of a cubicle, did people dress up at your office?  And if so, what did people dress up as?

Let me know in the comments section.  I need to know that the spirit of Halloween isn't dying offices.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 25, 2010

Manic Monday #39

I take one little week off of work and when I come back I find that two major changes have occurred. First, the construction which made my commute miserable IS OVER!!!  And second, when I leave the office now it is DARK.  I guess I can't win at everything.

Coworkers kept asking if I was okay because it looked like I was crying.  I tried telling them it was because I was overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing them after having the week off.  They weren't buying it.  I was then forced to explain that the moment I entered my county yesterday my allergies decided to kick in.  Not nearly as impressive.

My stapler must have read my blog (or one of you talked!) because it decided to end it all today.  In the middle of stapling three pages, it became so jammed up that I wasn't able to fix it.  The family has requested that in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the "Buy The Office Scribe A New Stapler Fund".

Where the hell did all my paperclips go?

This may be the last blog post ever because there is a weather rumor that something called the Great Lake Cyclone is said to hit Chicago with hurricane force winds today.  So there is a chance I might be swept away to the magical land of Oz.  But hey, maybe the Wizard finally got around to installing WiFi in the Emerald City.  Then I could blog each day about the Horse of a Different Color!

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 18, 2010

Manic Monday - The New Orleans Edition

Ha!  And you thought just because I was on vacation there  wasn't going to be a Manic Monday post this week.  But how could I not keep you, my dedicated readers, up to date on my adventures in the deep south.  And since my current port of call (New Orleans) has provided me with complimentary wi-fi, I thought I would share some thoughts from running around the Crescent City.

If you keep waking up at random time throughout the night, wondering why you have an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom, it might be because of the fountain in the charming courtyard outside your French Quarter hotel.

Alligator is delicious when dipped in spinach dip.

Hey, strange guy walking down the street.  You don't scare me.  I'm from Chicago.

I need all of you to start selling candy bars or drugs or something because I want to buy this house. Not because of it's great location or amazing look.  But because it was owned by a guy who was thought to be a real life vampire.  No joke.  So let's see how fast we can raise $2 million.

Most random thing ever - on my ghost tour I saw the Budwieser Clydesdales. It was weird, but at least I got some beads - and I didn't have to work for them!

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Sunrise. Sunset. (All In The Span on 20 Minutes)

Let it be known - I am not a morning person.  Never have been, never will be.  My parents were both early risers.  Me, I'm a night owl.  But since my office doesn't have a third shift, I have to get up in the morning, earlier than I would like, to make it to the office on time.

This morning started out like any other.  My alarm went off, and after hitting the snooze 4 or 5 times, I knew I had to get up.  So I opened my blinds to see that it was like outside (because I don't trust weathermen) and it was sunny.  I go about getting ready for work, splash some water on my face, brush the  teeth, try and find socks that match.

About 20 minutes later I walk past my blinds again, stop, back up, and look out into what I can only assume to be the sky at 8 o'clock PM.  It was so dark outside that the lights in front of my building has come back on.

Had I fallen asleep?  Did I pull a Rip Van Winkle and end up sleeping away time after a good game on 9 pins*?

Nope.  As it turns out, there was a major front moving through which ended up dumping some rain on us, just as I left the apartment for work.

Maybe I should start listening to the weather report in the morning...

~ The Office Scribe

* I would act all superior about the literary reference I just dropped on y'all, but I like you guys, so I have to be honest.  The only reason I knew about the 9 pins thing in Rip Van Winkle was from an episode of "Wishbone".  God, whatever happened to that wise, book-reading Jack Russel?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Precious

When I started working at my current job the one thing I was truly excited about were the office supplies.  I have said on this blog numerous times that I am an Office Supply addict.  So when I got the chance to stock my cubicle with items I would be using on a daily basis I knew I had to do it right.  Sure, I could have grabbed a handful of supplies from the mailroom like my fellow coworkers.

But that wouldn't have satiated my thirst for the awesome.

So I went out my first week and bought a cool pen holder that spins, some sorters for all the important files on and, the centerpiece of my office dwelling, a bright blue upright stapler.

I knew as soon as I saw it in the aisles of Office Depot that it had to be mine.  I imagined how jealous my new coworkers would be when I stapled hundreds of pages a day with the greatest of ease with my ergonomically correct stapler.

So I purchased it and proudly displayed it.

As it turns out, this is a super stapler - one with the power to not only propel staples through a few sheets of paper, but crack the staples in half, leaving sharp, pointed pieces of metal, perfect for catching fingers on.  I have shed a lot of blood because of this stapler - much more than I ever did in my 9 years as a butcher.

But I am stubborn.  Much like Golem and the ring, I refused to part with my stapler (even though I am sure it's lack of ability to function properly was slowly driving me mad).  I clutched at it, whispering sweetly to it, pleading with it to work.

Today though, I decided I have had enough.  No more digging out stuck staples with a t-pin.  No more smacking it against my thigh to realign the spring.  No more breaking into hysterical sobs because I've witnessed my coworker use their stapler with no issues.

This is the last week I will be in possession of my precious blue stapler.  When I get back from vacation I am throwing it away, for donating it would only be a cruel trick on the next poor soul who came to own it.  And then I am going to march over to Office Depot and buy myself a new stapler because the $10 I will spend on will is cheaper than the therapy bill if I don't.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 11, 2010

Manic Monday - The I FINALLY HIT 100 FOLLOWERS Edition!!!

Whoa.  I take a few days off from my blog to watch my friend run the Chicago Marathon and I come back today and see that I officially have 100 followers.  And while I thought there was going to be some special recognition, like a Google Doodle dedicated to me, I guess I'll get along just knowing that there are 100 people out there who care about what I have to say about working in an office.  (Or are bored in their own offices and want to know they aren't the only ones out there!)  So in honor of this auspicious moment, I give you...


100.  Sometimes I think I should feel bad that I combine the two half pots of coffee into one, so I can make a fresh pot for myself.  But then, I think, "Fresh coffee!" and I don't feel bad anymore.

99. My friend and I were discussing scissors this weekend and she told me she doesn't have them at her desk.  As I stared at my scissors today, I knew that when the zombie Apocalypse comes, I will be okay.

98. Work

97.  Work

96. Office chair roundhouse kicks are the best defensive maneuver if you are in a fight with a coworker.

95. Work

94. I guess when Columbus discovered America it didn't include the private sector.

93. Lesson #436 - If you are nice to the guys at the cafe on the first floor they will sometimes give you free salad dressing.

92.  Work

91.  The only actual breakfast item in the vending machine are strawberry Pop Tarts.  And while they will work in a pinch, I would prefer it if they would stock something better.  Like Panera Bagels.

90. Work

89.  Why do some people spell Carole with an "e"?

88.  Work

87.  I was told I was strange today and I took it as a compliment.

86.  Work

85.  Candy dishes should always be located in a place where they can be monitored.

84.   Work

83.   Work

82.   Work

81.   Work

80.  The Yahoo! OMG! section is the perfect amount of entertainment gossip to read while at lunch.

79. I don't speak French, nor do I type in French, so why does Word keep wanting to install the French spellcheck on my computer?

78.  Just remember - my elephant can beat your moose.

77.  Work

76.  Work

75.  How many orange construction barrels does IDOT own?

74.  Work

73. I told a supervisor that one of her employees was a big help. See, if you treat me well I will treat you well.  The same goes if you treat me like crap.  You've been warned.

72.   Work

71.   Work

70.  Work

69.  I think there might be gnomes who mess with the ringer volume level on my phone because when I got my first call this morning I bet they could hear it ringing in Indiana.

68.   Glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the random dead bird on the parking deck.  Seriously, where did it come from?

67. I saw that they are making "Zoolander 2" and I thought, "why?"

66.  Work

65.  Work

64.  Coworker and I came to the conclusion today that beer probably wouldn't cure a head cold.  That's why the Russians invented vodka.

63.   Harp music creeps me out, but I love it.

62. I was tempted to start a bidding war for my services today but I figured that would be frowned upon by my team.  Especially if another department came in with the winning bid.

61.   Work

60.   Work

59.   Work

58.   Work

57.   I know I leave for vacation in a week, but I was really jealous when I saw someone come back today with a tan.  

56.   Why would anyone live in a place with Amity is its name?  Did these people not watch horror movies from the 70's?

55.   Work

54.   Purple ink it my thing.

53.   I had the Beer Run song stuck in my head.  If you do not know this song it's probably because you didn't go to college.  Or ever play trivia with me on Tuesdays.

52.   People need to bring back the plaid blazers - and not in a hipster kind of way.  

51.  Work

50.   Lunch

49.   Bathroom

48.   I love that there is a small table outside the bathroom door.  It makes me feel like I work at a Barnes & Noble.

47.  I would be 54% percent more efficient at work if they piped in Big Band music for me to type to.

46.  Procedures - I don't like them.

45.   Work

44.   Work

43.  Someone who parks on the first floor has my dream car and I want to track them down and ask if they would let me drive it around the parking lot.

42.   My computer froze up more today than a sewer pipe in January (in Alaska...)

41.   Work

40.  Watch out, I am armed with a business card of a lawyer who specializes in sexual harassment cases and I am not afraid to use it.  But chances are, since I can dish it as well as I can take it, I will never have a use for it...

39.  I should have chopsticks at my desk.

38.   They aren't lying - diet Dr. Pepper really does taste like regular Dr. Pepper

37.   Work

36.   When are they going to make a new JAWS movie?  Seriously, they reboot everything else.  Imagine that shark as a CGI composite instead of a mechanical fish?  I'd pay to see that - and then mock it for being bad.

35.  I sometimes think people see me leave my desk and call me, just to leave a message on my machine since I can't stand seeing that red light there.

34.   If there is a higher power who created mankind, why did he (or she) make eyelashes? Someone once told me they were to keep the dust out of your eyes - but I just think it was a cruel joke to put something that can be that painful that close to your eyeball.

33.  Do people still wear Dockers?

32.   Work

31.   Work

30.   What time is it?

29.   My brain tried to Rick Roll me today.  I was not amused.

28.   I love when people thank me for doing my job.  One of these days I'm going to reply "Well that is what I get paid for, would you like to make a contribution?" and see how many people kick in a few shekels.

27.  Work

26.   Work

25.   Work

24.   Did my clock stop working?  How could it only be 5 minutes later than the last time I looked?

23.   There was a lot of talk about death at work today - a sure sign that it was a Monday.

22.   Work

21.   Glue sticks make me wish more office supplies came in convenient stick form.

20.   Must buy more gum.  Today I had onions at lunch and it didn't make for a happy afternoon breath-wise.

19.   Remember - when you list foods that you are allergic too and include lima beans, I am going to think you lying.  The same goes for spinach, liver and brussel sprouts.

18.   Work

17.   Work

16.  What makes non-dairy creamer creamy?

15.   Work

14.   Derp

13.   Sometimes the main reason I don't leave for lunch is fear I will never come back.

12.   I am starting to wish for snow because that means the end of road construction season.  The orange is starting to make me have homicidal thoughts.

11.  Thank god for spell check (but only the English version).

10.   Work

9.   Work

8.   I am trying to not go grocery shopping since I leave for vacation soon but I guess I can't go without eating for 5 days.  I'm not Gandhi.

7.  Water - Nature's Gatorade, sans the weird colors and flavors.  Unless it's well water - then yes, it is a weird color and flavor.

6.   Work

5.  HA!  So it was the secretary in the conference room with the Swingline!

4.   Work

3.   Work

2.   As one coworker asked "Why are the last 5 minutes of the day the longest?"  The world may never know.

1.  Wow my minds sure does have a lot of thoughts in it...

Thanks to everyone who reads this thing on a regular basis.  It makes me feel accomplished.  Like a small child who finally learns to use the potty or a nerdy kid who finally reaches level 80 in World of Warcraft*

And maybe if I hit 1000 followers I'll do 1000 thoughts - that is, if my head doesn't explore first.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, October 4, 2010

Manic Monday #38

Today I went to Panera for a salad and they asked me if I wanted a white or wheat baguette.  I said "No, I don't want any bread" which I guess is code at Panera for "I am a terrorist and will blow this place and all the bagels sky high".  Because they looked at me like I was a crazy person.

One of my co-workers came over to my candy dish today and traded one regular Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for three miniature ones because they have a higher chocolate to peanut butter ratio.

I spent a good portion of the day rubbing my nose because I think they turned they heat on in the building and it's now really dry in the office.  I am pretty sure this action lead some of my fellow office mates to think that I was imbibing in a certain illegal substance - prescription nasal spray. HA!  Just kidding. I meant cocaine. 

I stopped at Starbucks this morning and when I was up waiting for my beverage, the barista told the guy two in front of me, that she had accidently made 2 Cinnamon Dolce Lattes (Um, ewww?) and so he could have both.  He looked at her suspiciously, took one cup, and walked out.  The woman in front of me goes, "hell, I'll take it".  When the person in the green apron offers you a free drink, you take the free drink!

I think the outfit I wore to work today made me look like a Gloucester fisherman.

Don't tell IT - but I don't think I shut my computer off tonight.  I think instead of "Shut Down" I chose "Restart".  

You know how you can get workman's comp if you get injured on the job?  I wonder if I can get my company to pay for hair dye since I found a gray hair this morning, which is obviously caused by stress on the job.

~ The Office Scribe