Thursday, November 29, 2007

Mickey Mouse + Chain Saw = Printer Sounds

I don’t know why, but I think the printers at work are rodent serial killers. And no, I don’t think they are little pests that dress as clowns and drown people in their basements. I think the printers are serial killers and they are killing mice.

That is the only rational explanation I have to explain the noise that is emitted from them on a daily basis. The office can be in the throws of a rare moment of silence (i.e. no phones ringing, sales people gabbing, or repair men hammering away in the suite above) and it is shattered by the squeaking that whines out of the printer.

It’s more than annoying. It makes me want to reenact that scene from Office Space where they take the printer/copier out into a field and go mobster on it with a baseball bat. It makes me want to hand write everything so I don’t have to print. It makes me want to lock myself in a room with Fran Drescher.

But sadly, none of these options are acceptable. So each day I sit at my desk and cringe, my co-worker stating the obvious with a “That’s annoying” or “Can you hear that?”.

We send e-mail after e-mail to IT, hoping for once that a competent repair man will show up and save us from the screeching noise that is like baboons in mating season or teenage girls when they see Zac Efron.

Unfortunately, none of the repair men are able to actually fix the problem. They spend a lot of time on their Nextel walkie talkies (which as almost as annoying with their little beeps) trying to talk to the “home office” about what the problem could be. An equal amount of time is spent staring at the printer with their hands on their hips.

My favorite explanation was that the noise was because of “paper dust”. I snidely asked if this was similar to “pixie dust” and sadly the guy didn’t get it. I asked if there was a way to occasionally clean the printer. He told me yeah, but it requires a can of the spray air. Oh good lord, such a rare and cherished thing, I thought. Where would we ever find something so exotic? Answer: Half the company has one on their desks to get the crumbs out of their keyboards.

So I just sit here and silently put up with the squeaking. I make up stories about it. I vent about it here.

But if one day you hear about a lady being locked up for attempting to kill a printer repair man by shoving a can of air down his throat, think fondly of me as I rock away in my straight jacket in a padded room.

The Office Scribe

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