People around me are coughing. And it is making me nervous.
Every year around this time I hear people from all over the office start to sniffle, cough, clear their throats, sigh heavily, and make other noise which alerts me to the fact that people are getting sick in my office.
Let me start out by saying I am not a germiphobe. I will eat food that has fallen on the floor after yelling out “Five second rule”. I don’t hover above toilet seats. I have been known to use someone else’s toothbrush if I can’t find my own.
But when I hear people getting sick in my office I want to buy one of those inflatable Christmas Snow Globes that grace so many front yards during this time of year, get a lap top, and set up shop within. Ever see the movie “Bubble Boy”? Yeah, I want that to be my cubicle.
Why? Do you ask, would I want to surround myself in heavy gauge plastic? Answer: I hate being sick. To me, there is nothing more miserable in the world than laying in bed without the energy to even get up and close the blinds when the sun shines in on you. I know there are some people out there who are like “I love sick days”. Yeah, I do too. But only when I am suffering from diseases like Spring Fever and I need a mental health day-itis.
Last winter the stomach flu was going around my office and I was lucky enough to get it. I was down for two days (24 hours my ass) and during that time I wanted to die. The only place I felt comfortable was lying on the cold bathroom tiles. At one point, when the bathroom was occupied, I actually went outside and got sick off the deck. My mom came out a few minutes later to find me nearly unconscious in 40 degree weather, a smile plastered on my face because I felt “So much better”.
I want to avoid this feeling at all costs this year. But I refuse to use hand sanitizer. In my department last year everyone used this magic gel that burned paper cuts like lemon juice, swearing up and down that they would be fine.
Everyone got sick. I believe there is going to be an outbreak of some super plague and it will be caused by the over sanitation courtesy of Johnson and Johnson.
So this year I am going to consume more Vitamin C than an orange tree can produce, drink lots of water, and avoid talking to my co-workers at all cost.
Unless we go out for drinks. Gin protects you from the flu, doesn’t it?
The Office Scribe
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