Manic Monday #14

My ensemble today consisted one of those long sweat jackets that have a belt.  Not because I think they look trendy but because they are basically the only thing I can wear to the office which looks and feels like a bathrobe without actually being in a bathroom.

I walked past a co-workers desk today and saw a little plaque hanging that said "How can I think outside the box when I work in a cubicle?"  I love when people have sayings that are just thinly veiled ways of saying "Sometimes I hate my job" hanging by their desk.  But of course, that is so not what my "You're no good unless you are a good assistant; and if you are, you're too good to be an assistant" (Martin Fischer) doesn't mean that at all... My mom gave it to me, I swear.

If anyone calls me when I am not in the office I apologize for the voicemail message.  It seems that the fancy phone system hates me and won't stop putting my "Out of Office" message on.  But trust me, I am at work. One day I'll figure out how to make it stop saying I am out and will return on September 10.  Hopefully by June 2010.

In the midst of talking to a co-worker today I noticed that I was losing my voice.  I assumed this was because I was drinking and *around* people with cigars and cigarettes this weekend.  But sadly, as I drove home, I started to noticed that my eyes were watery and I was coughing.  That's right people.  I think I just got my first cold of the season.  Can I blame Swine Flu or is that passe now?

I have a plan to convert one of the conference rooms into a stress relief room since everyone is under so much stress at work.  Now in your mind you may be picturing it like a spa, where people can smell some aromatherapy and relax.  But let's face it, that is not the best way to relax.  What is?  A ball pit.  No one has ever felt stressed while in a ball pit.  (Unless your parents put you in there when you were too small and you just sunk to the bottom.  Then I guess 4 feet of plastic balls would freak you out.  For those people I might suggest something else.  Lazer tag.

~ The Office Scribe

There's Always That

Work has been really stressful lately.  People are working their butts off.  You can see it on everyone's face.

I was running from the mailroom past the elevators and saw someone from a different department.  I said "Ever feel like a chicken running around with your head cut off?"

She looks at me and says "I dropped my card pass down the elevator today."

I lost it.  Within seconds we were both laughing.

Sometimes a good giggle brought on by the misfortune of other co-workers can make the day go a little better.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #13

I love being the office guniea pig.  Whenever there is some new technology or service the higher-ups are thinking of implementing I am always a test subject.  Had I known this in my college years I would have made a killing doing experiments in the psych department.

Why do laser printers need a waste toner box?  All that powdery stuff seems like such a waste.  I wonder if we could recycle it into something else.  Like more ink.  Or finger print dusting powder.

At about 5:45PM today, about 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave, the song "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" got stuck in my head.  Sign #452 that I am slowly losing my mind.

Why isn't a dream dictionary included in a traditional desk reference set?  I feel like that would get so much more use during the work day than a thesarus.  I would say about once a week someone in my office talks about a weird dream they had and we all rush to find out what it is about.  You learn some pretty freaky things about you co-workers when this happens.

You are probably wondering why I have the words "Snow Globe" written on the back of my left hand.  Well I am not going to tell you.  You will have to check back Thursday to find out.  All I will say is that writing stuff on the back of your hand is the best way to remember important things.  And what your parents and teachers said about the ink getting into your blood stream was complete BS.  I mean, everyone has six fingers, right?  (Insert "Princess Bride" joke here)

I can't wait to go into work tomorrow (I know, crazy).  See, I can't remember the last time I got a hair cut so I went to the salon after work and was just going to get a trim and ended up getting about 7 inches taken off.  I look like a different person.  So I guess I won't be surprised if I get escorted out of the building by security for looking like a stranger.

And I would like to thank everyone who seemed concerned that I didn't post much lately.  It's nice to know I am not writing this thing solely for my mental health.

~ The Office Scribe

Why I Need A Press Secretary

I would like to address the rumors that have been circulating since my last post. I feel that I need to clear the air so that we can all continue living our lives and being the best people we can be.

#1) I HAVE BEEN FIRED SO I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT
I am still happily employed. While I have taken a few days off to work at another, highly important job for a few days (a garage sale is a job, right?) there is no truth to the rumor that I was let go for spray painting the inside of my cubbilce with gang signs in anciect Sumarian.

#2) TWIITER
I am quite a multi-tasker. It was even a nickname given to me at my last job (the one before I became a cubicle monkey). So don't think that I can't write a 140 character status update AND a super creative, slightly humorous blog post on the same day. I can also chew gum and walk at the same time. Unless it is Double Bubble - then I am screwed.

#3) I WAS HIT IN THE HEAD AND FORGOT ABOUT THE BLOG
While it's tue I was hit in the head, it was not by a heavy object. It was by bird shit on my mom's deck, the third time this has happened to me this summer, and I was forced to spend a lengthy period of time in the shower washing, rinsing, and repeating.

If anyone else has any other rumors they would like me to address, please leave them in the comment section and I would be more than happy to do so.

And I promise there will be a Manic Monday post this coming week - unless I get hammered at the wine festival tomorrow and take a header off Starved Rock into the river, recreating the dramatic demise of a group of Native Americans. But what are the chances of that happening? (No, seriously, does anyone know?)

~ The Office Scribe

The Wonderful Art Of Twitter

At first I resisted.  I thought "It's for teenagers and celebrities with too much time on their hand."  I didn't want to.  But then I tried it.  And damn, now I am a Twitter-er.

For those of you who don't already stalk, er, I mean follow me you can do so by tracking me down @theofficescribe.  There is a lot of randomness spewing out of my head.  Mostly because I only tweet when I am at home and I don't have a solid thought left in my head once I leave the office.

So if you are on Twitter, or as I like to call it, "Which Starbucks is that dayplayer from that canceled show at today?", then follow me and I will return the favor.  

Unless all you do is Tweet about cats.  Or you kids.  Or in a language I can't read.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday* - The Renaissance Faire Edition

Because nothing says "Happy Labor Day" like heading to the Renaissance Faire to check out some jousting, royalty, and apparently, breasts.

Speaking of breasts, I came back from getting a sassafras (yeah, it's old timey rootbeer) and my mom said, "We have to chase down that woman.  You have to see her from the front," she said, pointing to a 50 year old woman in full wench garb.  So you know, in a totally stealthy (read:  awkward and stalker-like) we hustled so I could see what my mom was talking about.  Once I managed to get in front of her and casually turn around I almost fell over.  This woman's boobs were about the size of my head (and I am of Irish decent and was born Cesarian which means why head is HUGE) and spilling out of a corset for all the world to see.  And she didn't even work there.  She was just getting into the spirit of things.  By exposing her breasts to small children who came to see knights.

Most of the workers at the Faire were really nice.  They would bid you "good day" and stay in character a little bit while trying to sell their wares.  But one kid, I would say he was about 16, came up to my mom and I when he heard me make a comment about a kilt pin that said "dead men tell no tales".  He then proceeded to launch into an explanation about how live men could tell tales like raccoon, squirrel, horse.  We just smiles at this awkward young man and as we scurried away I told her "He will never know the warmth of a woman" and she couldn't argue with me.

A unique thing about the Faire is that people like to dress up in full blow costumes and just visit.  They aren't employed.  They aren't characters.  They just paid their $15 like I did but walk around in a kilt or dressed like a fairy (neither of which are very renaissance-like but whatever.)  The costume I really didn't understand was the 18 year old who wore a black karate outfit and carried a wooden katana sword.  While I know there have been ninjas for thousands of years I don't think there were many walking through Sherwood forest.

To all the people who were stoked that they went to the Faire on the Queen's birthday, I hate to tell you, but everyday at the Faire is the Queen's birthday.  That way they can always have that cool parade and make it seem special.  Trust me, your timing isn't that good.

My favorite people I saw at the Ren Faire were those who came looking for an authentic experience.  They watched the joust.  They bowed to the queen.  They bought an entire chain mail suite and got their family crest painted on a shield.  And then when it came time to eat they stood in line with the rest of the morons for a cheese pizza.  At least get your kid a turkey leg which, yes, could feed a family of four and he will most likely only eat three bites of, but he will look so much more badass in those family photos that you can force your relatives to look at during the holidays.

~ The Office Scribe

* Yeah, I know it's Tuesday.  But after I write this yesterday I fell asleep and never published it.  Shoot me.

The Results Are In: The Bobblehead Poll

I started this poll this week for two reasons.  A#1 was that bobbleheads are commonly found in offices and this is a blog about working in an office (for the most part).  And B#2 because I will find any excuse to blog about Jim Thome, who is my fav bobblehead.

Well, as you can see from the previous post a horrible thing happened this week as he was traded from my beloved Chicago White Sox to the LA Dodgers.  But I have posted about that already and will not share my feelings again.  (I hate you Kenny Williams.)

So here are the results of last weeks poll:

Do you own a Bobblehead?

Yes, It Sits On My Desk - 6 Votes

No, I Hate Springs - 2 Votes

Yes, My Collection Is Huge - 0 Votes

No, I Don't Like Yes Men - 15 Votes

I was a little sad to see that not a lot of my readers own bobbleheads.  And that 2 of you have something against springs....

Perhaps I should create an Office Scribe bobblehead*.  You guys would buy one, right?

~ The Office Scribe

* And no, it wouldn't look like me.  I have already said that a bobblehead of myself on random people's desks would freak me out.

No Post Tonight - I'm In Mourning

Did you hear the news?  

I did.  

In a text message from a friend at 11:50 PM last night.  

And from another friend in a text at 6:30 AM.  

And when my mom called me at 7:14 AM.  

And every 13 minutes on news radio this morning.  

And when I got to work and a co-worker asked how I was feeling and that she almost sent me an e-Card about it.

And from everyone else that knows I am a Chicago Whie Sox fan.

JIM THOME, MY FAVORITE PLAYER OF ALL TIME, WAS TRADED THIS MORNING TO THE FREAKING LOS ANGELES DODGERS!!!!

For the second time in my life Jim Thome has made me cry.  The first time was when I saw him hit his 500th home run on Jim Thome bobble head day.

Though this time it isn't his fault.

I hate you Kenny Williams.  To quote my father, who was a wise man and a master with words, "I hope you shit in your bed tonight."

~ The Office Scribe