What Your Umbrella Says About You

Umbrellas play an important role in our lives.  Rhinana sang about them pre-Grammy night "incident" and remember all the ones that the Penguin used against Batman?  I mean, who didn't pretend their umbrella doubled as a machine gun as a kid...

But in the average everyday world we don't have such cool umbrellas.  Generally, they are used to keep the sun from scorching us like the southern belles we are or protecting us from the rain that doesn't seem to ever end in the Chicagoland area even though it is June and we are supposed to be swarmed with mosquitoes and sweating like a politician in a courtroom but no,  the weather gods see fit to send wave after wave of rain down on us complete with flash flood warnings and turning my thoughts from buying a Jeep Liberty to building an ark...

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, umbrellas...

So I was thinking the other day that the type of umbrella a person uses says a lot about them.  So I launched a long, drawn out study which lasted an entire episode of "Harper's Island" and came to some conclusions, which I would like to share with you.

The Collapsible Umbrella

You are a practical person.  

You pack your lunch everyday.  

You own a Hybrid car.  

You haven't had fun since the late 80's. 

The Cartoon Umbrella

While at Target one day your little one saw that "Hello Kitty" umbrella and just had to have it.  She begged and begged and begged until you gave in.  You also gave in when she begged and begged and begged you not to make her wait for the bus in the rain and drove her to school.  And when you ran to the store to get her some snacks you saw it in the back of the SUV and didn't want it to go to waste so you might as well use it.

The Golf Umbrella

Wow, you sure are nice, carrying such a big umbrella as you walk down the narrow sidewalk, trying to keep everyone around you dry.  Sadly that bumbershoot was designed for the links and not an urban environment and while you may think you are doing us all a favor it is pretty damn annoying that your umbrella makes it impossible for anyone to walk within a four feet radius of you.  Plus, we all know you're just overcompensating...

The Umbrella Hat

Because you were at the Monster Truck show at the fairgrounds and saw those little gems being sold out of the back of a camper and thought, "That dang thing would keep my mullet dry and keep my hands free for TWO beers!"

The Tote Bag

This is the category that I fall into.  Sure, I own at least seven of the above mentioned umbrellas, but when I am at the office I left it in the car.  When I am in the car the umbrella is in my apartment.  And when I am in my apartment I can't find a single one which leads me to believe that I have gnomes...

I guess we could just dress like the Gordon's Fisherman.  But what would people think about us then?

~ The Office Scribe