Thursday, December 13, 2007

1 Freezer + 125 employees = Problem. Big, Smelly, Crowded Problem!

Like most offices, mine has a communal refrigerator for employees to use. Actually, the entire company has three, one in the lunch room, one on the other side of the building, and one by the coffee bar. The third one is the fridge that I sit closest to and the one that I have the most issues with.

And I’m going to address it McCoughlin Group style:

Issue # 1 - People who store enough food in the fridge to get them through a week long snow storm or a severe case of the munchies.

I don’t understand why people feel the need to bring in three weeks worth of Lean Cusines, a full pound of ham, or a 2-liter bottle of soda. Yes, I wish I could store all the food I might want during the day in a cold place easily accessible to my desk. But I also wish I had wings so I could fly and avoid lines at airports, but that isn’t going to happen. Neither is the impending Armageddon that these co-workers must be anticipating.

Issue # 2 – The Ice Queens

There are two distinct groups of females in my office: Those who have gone through menopause and those who haven’t. I, being 25, have not gone through that “change of life” yet. But I know stuff about it. I understand that one of the side affects is that you get hot flashes. And I understand that you deal with these hot flashes by drinking ice water. But you, the Ice Queens, need to understand that the ice in the freezer is not just for you. If I want to chill down my diet coke or put some ice on my knee after slamming it into my file cabinet, I will do so. I would appreciate you keeping your icy stares to yourself.

Issue # 3 – I think I saw that movie

There are containers in the fridge here full of dark, viscous substances that someone once tried to convince me at some point held chopped salad. I doubt this. Ever see the movie “The Blob”? I think these containers are really the origin of this human-consuming monster.

Issue # 4 – Mr. or Mrs. Pizza Box

You forgot your lunch on a Monday, I understand. You decide you are in the mood for pizza, I understand. You put the pizza box in the fridge, taking up the top shelf while only three slices remain in the box. This I don’t understand. I know for a fact that we have foil in a cabinet over there. Take some pieces and get ride of the space holder!

Issue # 5 – People who put insulated lunch bags in the fridge

Your lunch is in a specially designed sack that is meant to keep it cold for up to nine hours which means that it will still be cold if you skipped lunch and took it home for dinner. Yet you insist on cramming it into the fridge, its padded sides taking up more space than the food alone inside it would. Want to ensure your food will stay cold? Buy an ice pack. You can go with the classic blue or one that suits your style. Mine looks like a giant Oreo Cookie.

Issue # 6 – If it isn’t yours why is it in your mouth?

This is one I will never get. I go out and buy some Gingerbread Coffeemate and clearly write my name on the top. And yet, within two days, there isn’t any left. I did not buy this for the department. If I did, I would have inscribed the words “Help Yourself!” on the top, not my name.

And when this happens with food I am at even more of a loss. Did you really think that the sandwich in the brown paper bag was put there for you? Think again.

Issue # 7 – We’re cleaning the fridge, get your stuff out!

Once a month (or three weeks) a department is assigned to clean out the fridge. The MO is to just throw everything out that is in the fridge. No matter what. So to be fair, the department will send out reminders. I think the last group sent out a total of 12 reminders in two days. Yet when the people don’t come to get their stuff and it is thrown out, they blow up. How dare someone throw away their precious Tupperware with what could only be described as a medical experiment gone horribly wrong inside. How dare someone throw away their empty Gatorade Bottle. How dare someone throw away their lunch box. (You mean the one that was full of Miller Hi Life?)

Issue # 8 – Happy Birthday to Mold

Departments love to party and the way they celebrate the most is with food. But the leftovers that sit in the fridge for weeks sour the celebratory mood. I understand that we always bring in too much. But if I notice extra of what I brought in, guess what, I take it home. I don’t let it fester in the fridge, praying that someone will eat it, clean my platter, and bring it back to me. Nice try.

And that’s that. Those are the reasons why I don’t put anything in the fridge anymore. Hell, I would completely avoid the room that it is in if it weren’t for the fact that the copier is in there. And I can’t live without my copies.

The Office Scribe

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