Dear Office Scribe #1

I always love when people who read this blog decide to take a few minutes out of their crazy day and shoot me an e-mail. It’s a practice I encourage for two reasons:
A) It provides we with a better understanding of who my audience is

And

B) By checking the e-mail (and responding) it provides me with computer work that makes me look busier than I actually am.

So I was super stoked to check my Office Scribe e-mail this morning and find the following note from loyal reader Black Coffee Drinker:

How do you like it when someone else in your office skates by for about a year doing the bare minimum of work required to keep his job, falls asleep at his desk a number of times, and then BAM something hits him and all of the sudden he's working harder than you've ever seen. Now he's the golden boy, his ego's getting all pumped up, and he starts taking credit for a huge deal you've been working on for the last several days! Know anyone like that?

Of course I know someone like that. I do work in an office. But the thing is, I am kind of a golden child myself around the ole cubicle and I think maybe a little intimidating. Co-workers know better than to try and pass off one of my ideas/work as their own.

I would end them.

But I am also all about the honesty. Tell this good-for-nothing slacker that you don’t appreciate him trying to claim your work as his own. And if he keeps it up you won’t tell your boss. You’ll tell everyone in the office about his scorching case of genital herpes and addiction to midget porn. Nothing takes a knocks a guy down like making him the office pariah.

Hope that helps! And keep the e-mails coming!

The Office Scribe

I Hope You Go Blind

Recently I have been spending a lot of time up at my mom’s place on the weekends, helping her get ready for the twice a year garage sale her community holds. We have a lot of junk we can sell since the move. It’s amazing the stuff that accumulates in a house over 30 or so years.

And I really hope a lot of it sells, because her being 80 miles away is taking it’s toll on my gas tank. And with the way gas prices are going (Thanks OPEC!) I don’t see it getting better in the near future.

The interesting thing though is all the fun things I get to see on my drive into work on Monday mornings. Of course I see the usual people gulping coffee or chatting on their cell phones. The people that really have my interest piqued are the ones that feel the need to perform their own Mary Kay makeover while going 70 mph down I-90 at 8:00AM.

I understand you want to look nice. I understand that we can all benefit from a little makeup. But how ballsy is it to try and apply mascara in this manner? And in all actuality, how much do you really care about your looks? If make up meant that much to you, so much that you’d be willing to either blind yourself or cause a 20 car pile-up while applying lipstick, then wouldn’t you wake up 5 minutes earlier and do it in your bathroom with a proper mirror and lighting?

I am really surprised that we don’t hear about more accidents due to early morning changing lanes while applying make up. Maybe there is a cover up by authorities to protect the feelings of the family. How embarrassing would it be to have to tell your friends that your sister dies in a horrible car accident because she was trying to apply purple eye liner to make her eyes stand out? (Yeah, I read Vogue. I know stuff about make up.) Or why your Aunt Shelly had to have a closed casket due to inappropriate application of concealer?

So ladies, I beg of you. Please take a few extra minutes and do your make up at home. I’d feel safer and I guarantee your co-workers will stop the Tammy Fay Baker jokes if you do.

The Office Scribe

Some Things Never Change

Greetings from me, who I know has been away for a while, but is back and sitting in my cubicle, waiting for divine inspiration to come and give me a topic to write about.

But unfortunately, by being away I have not only neglected this blog but my day to day duties in my office, meaning there were tons of e-mails to answer, files to sort through, and phone calls to return. One of my co-workers just was at my desk and said, “Sometimes it’s not even worth going away with what we have to come back to.”

While this statement is pessimistic and, let’s face it, somewhat true, the tons of work that has been keeping me occupied since my return from Tanzania is a small price to pay for, well, BEING SENT TO TANZANIA!!!

So as we, the working class people of the world, quickly approach summer vacation season remember this: Yes, stuff will be piling up on your desk while you are gone, but the fastest way to forget about it is to order a fruity drink with an umbrella in it and soak up the rays until that winter pastiness is gone.

~The Office Scribe

Adios Amigos

So this will be my last post for about a week and a half because I leave tomorrow for my trip to Tanzania!!!

But while I'm away I promoise to be thinking of some new topics to discuss here!

See you April 8th!

~The Office Scribe

Good Deeds From 9 to 5

There is a catalog we have at work where you can order livestock and farming supplies for third world countries.  A few months back the Fun Committee sold raffle tickets, raise $500 and bought a cow.  I thought this was awesome.  

So we decided to do it again.  Some people wanted to buy another cow.  I like to mix it up a bit so I looked through the catalog and found the coolest thing in there.  A pond.  A earthen pond that they would fill with Tilapia for people to raise, eat and sell.

So today we held a used book sale.  For the past few weeks employees have been donating books to sell at the sale.  I think when I left work today we had already sold $200 in books.  How cool is that?

I know my dad is smiling down, laughing because now poor people will get to enjoy his favorite past time: fishing.

So if anyone is looking for a good way to raise some funds for a good cause, try a book sale.  It really worked!!!

The Office Scribe

Please leave a message, not your life story

Things have been a bit crazy in my department lately. We are only 8 people but we are 8 really busy people. Between the holidays, illness, personal issues, and business trips I don’t think all of us have been in the same office at the same time since January.

So as team lead I have been checking more than just my own voice mail for about two weeks solid. And after listening to message after message I have learned one thing: people don’t know how to leave a proper voice mail message.

I would have to say that a normal voice mail message should be about 10 seconds or less. You know, enough time to say your name, why you are calling, and your phone number. I would also have to say that the average time for the messages I have been checking lately are clocking in around a solid minute. I actually had one last week where the woman spoke for 2 minutes and 35 seconds. (Yeah, I clocked it. I was curious.)

Apparently people think they need to tell you every single detail of why they are calling:

Name
Awesome and needed, but best when spoken clearly and not muttered so I have no idea who you are and thus won’t call you back.

Time of call
Don’t most VM programs tell you this? And why do I care if you called at 9am or 9pm? I’m going to call you back in the order your call was received anyway.

Why they called
Here is where things go horribly, horribly wrong. I don’t need to know the whole background of your life or why you are calling. A simple “I’m returning your call” or “We need to speak” or “I want a cheeseburger” would be great. If you go on for longer than 5 seconds you are talking too long!

Recap
These aren’t necessary if you wouldn’t talk so long! I know my memory might be less than stellar, but don’t recap you two minute message. If I missed something, there is a great feature where you can listen to messages again and again and again if need be.

Phone Number
Similar in importance to the name it should also be spoke clearly and not like you are seeing how many M&M’s you can fit into your mouth while talking on the phone. Seriously, last week a guy gave me 8 numbers for his cell phone. Eight? Really? If you don’t know your own number I feel pity for you. In my house that was the first thing I learned so if I was lost I could contact someone who cared.

Sign Off
So after telling me a story longer than the Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, and the Harry Potter Saga strung together you have the cojones to say “Call me so we can discuss the details”. What else is there to discuss? You just told me everything! I have no reason to call you back except to demand the precious minutes back for my time you wasted with your long-winded message!

Luckily I think everyone is supposed to be back in the office tomorrow so I can stop checking their messages. Now if I could only get clients to fix their e-mails….

The Office Scribe

To Work Or Not To Work, That Is The Question

My company does not close often.  Major holidays, sure, but other than that we are all about work.  Sitting in our happy little cubicles, pounding the keyboards, chugging more caffeine than the human body can handle.

But this Friday is an interesting thing.  As many of you know, it's Good Friday and most normal offices are closed.  But at my office we had a choice.  It's what's called a half-staff day.  You have your choice if you want to work or not.  If you don't work, it's a paid holiday.  If you work, you get another vacation day to take at another time.

Personally, I always work Good Friday.  How many people actually do something that day?  And who in their right mind would rather take a Friday off in March than wait for a gorgeous weekend during the summer to have a long weekend?

Well, I'm starting to rethink my choice.  The weathermen are predicting 4-10 inches of snow tomorrow.  WHAT THE HELL MAN?  It's March 21st.  Where's my global warming?  Al Gore lied to me, and because of that I am going to have to get up at 6:30am and shovel my car out of snow, drive to work, and repeat it in reverse at the end of the day while some of my co-workers get to snuggle in and sleep until whenever.

I hate you Al Gore, I really do.