Why My Commute Has Turned Into The Universal Back Lot Tour

When I visit Southern California I always try and visit Universal Studios to take the back lot tour.  The movie nerd in me loves it.  I've even been on the VIP tour where you can get even closer to actual sets and there are not as many annoying tourists.

And while I enjoy this, I am not enjoying the fact that my daily commute has become like this beloved theme park attraction.

FLASH FLOODS

Last Friday some big storms dumped a lot of rain on the Chicagoland area.  They closed highways and had mandatory evacuations of some neighborhoods.  This meant that for about, oh, the first half of my week I couldn't take some roads because there was water on them.  Sure, my Jeep could have made it through, but they had to close the roads so the whimpy little Hybrids wouldn't drown.

CHASE SCENES

When I am running late I sometimes decide to take the highway because it can get me to work in about, oh, 10 minutes.  But because it is road construction season in Chicago, that means the highways aren't as practical.  The other day I thought I would try it.  I went to go merge onto the tollway and suddenly realized that the on ramp was about 1/10th of its previous length, which meant every car getting on had to hit the gas pedal and go into overdrive.  The car behind me decided to really hit the gas, lurch to about 80 mph, which was a slight problem because I was only going 55.  So he blasts past me, the orange cones, and the state trooper, who proceeds to chase after him like he stole something. 

JAWS

Okay, it may not be a man eating shark, but those baby raccoons that ran up behind me when I got home the other day made me scream like I was Quint in the sharks mouth.

PSYCHO

Okay, maybe this just describes my entire commute, but I did see a guy in what looked to be a dress in a pickup truck the other day. 

Maybe next week will be better.  Or maybe it will resemble the Dinsey Studios tour.  Hello Catastophe Canyon!

~ The Office Scribe

And Now For This Evenings Broadcast

So last night (or maybe it was at an ungodly hour this morning) I was sitting at the local Irish pub, tossing back a few Summer Shandy's with my trivia team, dominating all the other teams with our vast quantity of useless knowledge when my one team member looks up and asks,

"Can I speak to the Office Scribe for a moment?"

I take a sip of my beer, sigh, and reply "Is this about me not posting for a while?"

"Yep" she says.  "July 19th was your last post."

I could tell you guys that I have been really busy at work, training a new employee and still attempting to do my job.  Or that I am also currently housesitting for my friend's family and sometimes I think her dogs are judging me.  Or that sometimes I want to blog but then my cousin invites me over for a glass of wine and I can't say no, because she's family.

So instead I will just tell you that I am still around, and trying to think of fun and exciting things to tell you about working in an office.  I know your day just isn't complete without a dose of snark from yours truly (which is why I hope you are also following me on Twitter @TheOfficeScribe) but I don't want to be one of those bloggers who posts something just to post.  You know, the people who did nothing interesting that day but are afaid they may lose a follower or two so they write a long, drawn out post about their neighbors hosta plants or their favorite flavor of Frappacino.

I will not be one of those bloggers.  I believe in quality over quantity. 

So, be like that cat poster which they always show hanging in cubicles in movies but have never actually seen in my office, and hang in there.

~ The Office Scribe

Answers to my previous blog post:

1) Skin forms on top of homemade pudding because it is unholy.
2) Summer Shandy is the best beer ever because it is like drinking a giant glass of sunshine.  And yes, I have made them myself from scratch - those are pretty kick ass too.
3) Purple ink rocks because it is both edgy and girly.
4) I lied about teaching you complex math theories.  Seriously, I have a degree in writing people!
5) Shaking is the logical move one would do if they managed to shove a lime in a coconut, followed by the thought "How did I d that?"
6) The more caffiene the merrier!  But just make sure you stop before the cup that makes it hard to type because of all the twitching.
7) Yeah, the reason I was still awake was because of trivia.  It's also the reason I am tired on Wednesdays.  So there.

Tonight at 11...

... we'll explain where I have been and what I have been doing and why a film forms on top of pudding made from scratch but not the stuff in the cups.

... we'll explain why Summer Shandy is the best beer ever.

... we'll explain why pens with purple ink are far superior to those with black.

... we'll explain complex math theories you will never need to know in order to balance your checkbook.

... we'll explain why you put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up

... we'll explain why 5 cups of coffee on a work day is better than 4 cups of coffee

... we'll explain why I felt the need to post the wacky at 12:49 a.m. on a Tuesday*

~ The Office Scribe

* It might have something to do with my trivia team winning tonight...  Hear that mom?  You told us to win and we did!  I do listen to you!

Manic Monday #31

I opened up my day planner today and $5 fell out.  It says something for being old school and still carrying a paper day planner.  I mean, when was the last time someone had money fall out of their iPhone?  I don't believe there's an app for that.

According to an article I read on Yahoo! today my candy dish means my workplace is open and inviting - a place where people want to hang out.  I like having people stop by my desk. Not only does it make me feel popular but it also gives me a chance to pawn off unwanted work on sugar crazed coworkers.

All of my coworkers spent the day remarking about how cold it was in the office while I spent the day debating if I should turn on my fan or not.  This can only mean one thing: I am a werewolf and I work with a bunch of vampires. Wow, who knew working in an office would be so trendy?

Someone put out a can of Hickory Smoked Almonds today and I tried one.  The freaking but tasted just like a piece of bacon. And while I love bacon, things that taste like bacon kind of creep me out.  I think next time I'll just stick to eating nuts that taste like nuts.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday Funnies #1

Welcome to the Sunday Funnies 

Random Observations From the 48 Hours I Am Not in the Office 

Today I was ready to be a giant nerd as I went into the city for a theater engagement armed with a camera in case I happen to see a Transformer. (They are filming the third movie in Chicago as we speak.)  Why does this make me a nerd?  Because I never take pictures.  Seriously, when I was in Vegas three weeks ago my camera never even left my bag. But I wanted to be ready in case Optimus Prime's sweet ass came rolling down Michigan Avenue. Sadly, I didn't see any robots in disguise but I did see the car hanging off the bridge, so I can nerd out when I see that in the movie.

Speaking of attending the theater, I saw Shrek the Musical today.  It was really good and the sets were amazing.  The only thing that sucked were the number of children in the theater.  Now I know what you are thinking - "Office Scribe, you went to a musical based on a children's movie.  What did you expect?"  First off, I don't think Shrek is a true children's movie. Example: When Shrek implies Lord Whosey built a big castle because he is compensating for something. Children don't get that subtext. Secondly, what kind of crazy parent thinks it is a good idea to bring a 4 year old to a live theater production, sit them in a $90 seat, and not tell them to shush? The little girl next to me gave a running commentary on the whole musical, you know, in case I missed anything - because she was talking!

Attending a family party can be fun.  Attending a family party in 90+ degree heat in a room with minimal air conditioning and no fans brings the fun level down a bit.

I just remembered I have almond cookies from eating Chinese food this evening and as soon as I am done blogging I am going to eat one while watching True Blood, which I found out you can now buy at Borders for like $6 a bottle.  I don't pay that much for a Smirnoff Ice at the bar! (Please note: That last line was intended to be humorous.  I don't actually drink Smirnoff Ice.)

If you are having some people over for dinner on a nice summer evening you really can't go wrong with kabobs.  I have never had anyone say "eeeeww, delicious chunks of meat and vegetables on a handy skewer".

I once saw a movie called "The Horse Whisperer" about a man who could talk to horses, though not literally.  Friday night I found out I can actually talk to the raccoons who patrol my neighborhood like a bunch of mall cops all hopped up on CiniBuns. One started to head towards my patio and I stood up, pointed and exclaimed "No! Go away.  You are not welcome" and damned if that thing didn't wander away.  I am amazing.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #31

Today I am not at work.  Why?  Because one of the cool things about working in an office (and yes, there are cool things about working in an office) is that if a holiday you would normally get off falls on a weekend, you get the following Monday off.  So my 4th of July weekend has been a long one, which is nice because I needed some time to recover from my vacation to Vegas last weekend. 

Please note: The following observations are all from the past weekend and not about being at work, since I haven't been there since Thursday (yay Super long weekend!). 

While fireworks (aside from sparklers and smoke bombs) are illegal in the state of Illinois, that has not prevented people from shooting off what I can only assume were military grade concussion grenades purchased from militant groups online for the past 36 hours.  I had no idea that they way to celebrate the country's independence was by making such a racket that those of us who had been up since 7 am couldn't fall asleep. (Sorry, but I get cranky when I don't get my sleep.)

Kids are never too young to learn how to cook.  Just ask the 5 year old who I was teaching to butterfly a flank steak.  Guess Santa had better bring him a knife set for Christmas...

My mom let me know, as she was putting away the bedding from the guest room, that if I ever get rid of the hand crafted cedar chest that has been in our family for generations she will come back to haunt me.  Now that's love.

The band that played at the clubhouse, which I could hear from my dock, was awesome!  Why? Because the last song they played, as I was drifting off to sleep, was "Don't Stop Believing", a song close to my heart.

Happy 4th Everyone.

~ The Office Scribe