Nature's Alarm Clock - 3 Hours Too Soon

I suffer from insomnia.  Sure, I could dope myself into a false coma with some sort of pill, but some of my best writing happens in those hours after midnight and before dawn.

Right now I am in the midst of a wicked bought of it.  I was up until 2:30 last night, not even the slightest bit sleepy.  I was writing and watching episode after episode of "Veronica Mars" (aka - one of the best TV shows canceled before its time - like "Firefly" and "Arrested Development")

But eventually I thought it was time to hit the hay.  So I snuggled down in my bed, and let sleep take me away.

Fast forward to around 4:00 AM.  There I am, in bed, sleeping as soundly as a baby when I am jolted awake by my bed shaking.  Two thoughts go through my head, in this order:

1) Oh god, I'm possessed by Pazuzu

2) Perhaps that is a snow plow.

I then heard my dishes rattling in the kitchen and thought "earthquake?" which lasted for about 3 seconds and I passed out again.

When my alarm went off, it was set to a new radio station (because I am a 76 year old man...) and all I could make out in my morning pre-coffee haze was the word "earthquake".

Hmm, I thought.  I was right.

Yes people.  The Chicagoland area had a slight earthquake last night.  Yeah, we get snow and earthquakes, so you people on the coasts can quit your whining.

Midwesterners are the shit.

~ The Office Scribe

Just Beet It

Ever since the first snowfall hit my fair city, I have been perplexed by the dark substance that is splashed all over the top of the parking deck where I joyfully put my Jeep each day as I head to cubicle land.  At first, I thought it was an oil leak.  But then it was there the next day.  And the next.  And the next.

Turns out, it is some sort of magical de-icing agent made from, get this, beet juice.

I let my fingers do the Googling and I guess the natural sugars or something in beet juice make it an excellent substitute for chemical melting agents and it it much greener than, say, rock salt.

Awesome, right?

No.  It's not awesome.  You know why?  Salt and other chemical melting agents wash off your clothes.  Beet juice on the other hand is a wonderful natural dye.  The kind of dye that Native Americans used to make their teepees more colorful and old Amish women still use in, um, knitting or something.

How do I know this?  Well, aside from being a wasteland of useless knowledge, I used to be a costumed guide at a historical village. (Think Ren Faire sans the bad British accents.)  My specialty was an 1830 log house where I taught people all about life during the time where Little House on the Prairie was fact and not a sappy TV show.  I would churn butter, card wool, and yes, dye cloth with that which nature provides.

Hence the reason that the bottoms of my favorite pair of lichen colored cords from Eddie Bauer are now a nice shade of purplish black.  And when I mentioned this to someone, their reply was "Well it's better than falling on the ice, isn't it?"

No!  Because while the beet juice on my pants won't fade, bruises do.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The Birthday Review

Celebrating your birthday at your place of employment can be a truly horrific event.  Hoards of bored co-workers, forced to sing "Happy Birthday" to you as they stand in line for crappy grocery store cake.

Or, it could be a pretty sweet day if you happen to work in an office full of cool people who actually like you.

Like me!

Last Friday, as some of you may have known, was my birthday.  And once again, my co-workers have proven to me how lucky I am to work in an office with people I don't hate.  And here are some of those ways...

Flowers in my cubicle.  Want to make a girl smile the moment she walks into the office?  Put some flowers in her cubicle.  I can be the most evil, sarcastic bitch on the planet sometimes, but a vase of yellow daises will make me more sappy than anything Nicolas Sparks can write.

Cupcakes.  Normally I am the one who makes cupcakes for my coworkers.  But, this time, one of my coworkers came in with a dozen Red Velvet with Cream Cheese frosting made by his wife.  My favorite flavor and I didn't even have to bake them?  Sweet!

No boring lunches.  I hate packing my lunch so how cool is it that instead of brown bagging it, my co-workers bought me lunch.  And not just any lunch, but pasta.  As in Fettucini Alfredo which I don't usually eat because it is horrible for you, but all calories consumed on your birthday don't count, right?

More baked goods.  In addition to the cupcakes, one person on my team made this insanely delicious Irish Cheesecake which was light as a feather and tasted like what I would imagine Colin Farrell would taste like if I licked him.  

Group card.  It's nice when a co-worker tells you how good you are.  It's even better to get it in writing.

Lack of singing.  When I made it known I didn't like when people sang "Happy Birthday" to me, instead of being smug assholes my team granted my wish and kept their traps shut.

After work drinks.  Some people went out to celebrate another co-workers birthday, but the moment they found out that it was actually MY birthday, there was a Gin & Tonic in my hand and a shot of Tequila waiting after that.

Basically, I have two rules for happy employment.

1) Never be afraid of your boss

2) Like the people you work with

Thank god I can put a check mark next to both of these.

~ The Office Scribe

The Answer To The Soap Thing

Wow, I didn't think it would be that big of a riddle you pop culture morons....

I win.

~ The Office Scribe

The Arch Nemesis of an Office Building

The Thundercats had Mumm-Ra.

Batman has these guys.

Vampires have this chick.

And this.

And this*.

But the number one enemy of an office building is one of these...

Which is why I have been VERY nervous at work the past couple of days.  On Tuesday we heard a noise outside the office building around 2:30 PM.  It sounded like a leaf blower, which would have been a normal sound if it wasn't February in Chicago.  So me and a few co-workers head to the windows and see a helicopter.

So what?  I know, my building is along a major highway.  Traffic copters are all over the place.

But this wasn't a traffic copter.  It was hovering right outside my building, about 50 feet off the ground.  And as soon as we peaked out the windows it took off.

Weird.

And it got even weirder when it appeared again yesterday.  And once again, took off as soon as it saw us  looking at it.

It could be that I have seen WAY too many movies, but all I could think about were the scenes where the bad guy is piloting a helicopter, chasing the action star, and loses control and the copter goes smashing into the innocent office building, killing god only knows how many cubicle dwellers.

I swear, if I see Bruce Willis anywhere NEAR my office in the next few days I am done.  Gone.  Grabbing my bag and hitting the road.

I am not going to be an action movie casualty.

~ The Office Scribe

* Please tell me someone got this picture?  Please...

Too Weird To Blog

Okay, I don't know what it is about this week, but things are super, super weird.  At work as well as at home.

I really want to blog about it all, but I am still working on the best way to present it to you.

Where to start?

With the helicopter?

Or the constant search for a corkscrew?

Or the fact that I think everyone has lost their minds?

Perhaps when I get a free moment in between self medicating and shaking my Pope Snow Globe at people who may be possessed I will sit down and write the best blog about work EVER.

But first, I have to find a corkscrew.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #21

Because sometimes a Manic Monday post can be summed up with the following, and just the following:

I got out of my car today at my office and saw a goose standing on top of a 30 foot light post.  When I slammed my car door, it startled to goose, who flew down and almost hit me.

Huh?  What?

Who does this happen to?

Oh, me, I guess...

~ The Office Scribe