And On The Third Day...

Hi all!  That's right, I'm back. Did you all miss me?  I bet you did.  I really wanted to keep you updated while I was on my travels, but I wasn't going to pay for Wi-Fi in the hotels.  I mean, I love you guys, but not at 30 shekels an hour...

Anywho.... I'll be updating later with some insights from my travels, but not now.  Why?  Because I am suffering from some massive jet lag and I have no idea what time zone I am currently in.  (Okay, it's Central - shut up.)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #46

Thank god the vending machine has Pop Tarts (frosted strawberry - my fav) since I have no food in my house.  But the strange looks I received from my coworkers while heating it weren't cool.  Come on people, who says it has to be heated in a toaster and not in a microwave?  Maybe I like my fruit filing to be scalding!

I don't care if I am in the office for half a day tomorrow - I put my out of office on my phone and e-mail today. Protocol be damned!

It was snowing when I left for work this morning.  Sometime throughout the day it turned to rain. When this happens in Chicago, it means the roads become skating rinks?  Need an example?  I saw a Yukon do a 180 spin while going down the ramp of the parking deck. Thank god it didn't hit anyone because, you know, I was tired and really wanted to get home.  Oh yeah, and because car accidents are um, bad.

At the register, with a line of people behind you, is not the time nor place to argue about how the ugly blue eye shadow you are buying should be 10 cents less.  You don't want your obituary to read how an angry mob beat you down with gallons of milk and road salt bags because you have poor taste in make up and are cheap.

If anyone in my office ever decides to go postal, I am putting big money on it being a printer related rampage.

Thanks to everyone who stayed home today and made my commute decent. I'll return the favor by going on a business trip out of the country for the next week. Yayyyyyy!

P.S. - Stop talking about the Bears/Packers playoff game.  Why?  Because something tells me I won't be able to get the game in the middle of the night in Israel.  Boo.

~ The Office Scribe

*** Hopefully I'll be able to tweet or post during my travels because I know you guys would miss my random words of wisdom if you didn't hear from me for a whole week.

Time To Rent "Passion of the Christ"...

Why?

Because I'm going to Israel.

I'l pause while the jealousy sets in.

Wait, you're note jealous?

Well you should be, because ladies and gentlemen, this isn't for a vacation.  This is a...

WORK TRIP!!!

Yep, and I leave in 2 weeks so there isn't much time to prepare.  I've already downloaded the Bible onto my Kindle and keep saying "Shalom" to everyone, but I am looking for suggestions as how to prepare.  I expect comments.  Lots and lots of comments.

And ye be warned - if I think the comments are offensive, I'll delete them.  Then I will mock you openly as being a horrible person.  Why?  Because this is my blog and I can do what I want!

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The "Happy 2011" Edition

Nothing like coming back to work after the holidays and seeing the parking lot once again filled with cars.  Did kind of make me wonder where the hell 90% of these people were.

Tomorrow is my annual evaluation. I hate these things.  I assume if I were doing a poor job someone would have told me, or you know, fired me.

If you are always looking for a delicious snack might I suggest strawberry yogurt and almonds?

I love recapping the holidays with coworkers and finding out that everyone basically had a chill New Years because everyone was too tired to really whoop it up.  Proof that New Years Eve needs to be moved further away from Christmas to give those of us who don't save our vacations days until the end of the year some down time.

There is a rumor of a Biggest Loser style competition going down in my office this year.  And while one of my goals is to drop a few pounds, nothing inspires me like some good healthy competition and the lure of cold cash.  I'll keep you posted.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #45

I realized today that all my friends who are teachers are on Winter Break.  And I hate each and every one of them. I don't care what anyone says - teachers have it easy. (Bring on the arguments people!)

Last Friday was my holiday party at work so today was the debriefing.  And I have to say, everyone was really mature about describing the after party. Even though, for those of us who were there, we knew that at times, it was anything BUT mature.  (And I learned it's easier to prove sobriety if you can walk a line with your hands in your pockets!)

I wonder how many people in the Midwest are sitting at home, watching the snow fall outside, praying that there is so much that they don't have to go to work tomorrow.  I wish I could be one of those people, but sadly, I own a Jeep Liberty so I have no excuse.

Speaking of driving, on my snowy drive home today I saw a guy try to play Spin the Bottle with his car. Silly little Toyota. 

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (shame on you!) let me bring you up to speed on the battle raging in my apartment.  On Saturday, I noticed some evidence that I might have a mouse.  So I did what any card carrying member of PETA* would do and I bought me some traps.  Within an hour I had snapped one of those little suckers.  When I woke up this morning, there was another one.  Both are now residing on my frozen patio, turning into what I called "micicles" or, what my coworker called "stalagmice".  (I work with some damn clever people!)

Where is my red pen?  How can I make corrections to papers if I don't have my red pen?  Because I don't think my normal choice of purple ink really inspires the fear that it should.

~ The Office Scribe

* PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals.  Come on people, I was a butcher!

My Christmas Wish

According to every single holiday show on Lifetime, We, and the Hallmark Channel, Christmas is the time of year to make grand wishes.

Some people wish for peace.

Some people wish for love.

Me?  My wish is much more grand and profound.

I wish to one day live in a world where plastic dry cleaning bags no need to bear a label that warns people that it is not a child's toy and that it shouldn't be placed over the head.

Charles Darwin, I am looking towards your ghost to make my wish come true.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The Sub-Zero Edition

Please note - If you are reading this post because you think it will my thoughts on a certain Mortal Kombat character*, you are sadly mistaken.

Just because I wasn't at work today didn't mean I wasn't working.  Unless you consider putting tinsel on an 11 foot Christmas tree with a 120 lb Rottweiler who thinks the thin, silver plastic strands are a treat isn't work.

You ever put in for a vacation day towards the end of the year (because your company has it 'use it or lose it" policy) and wonder if you picked the correct random day?  Well, I guess I picked the right day, since I was 80 miles from home at my moms place when the Midwest decided to re-enact the movie The Day After Tomorrow.  50 mph winds, blowing snow, freezing temperatures - the whole 9 yards.  And since I didn't think Dennis Quaid would be coming to rescue me from the frozen tundra and deliver me to work this morning, kudos to me for taking today off!

How much do you think it would cost to invent a giant hairdryer that can be strapped to the back of snow plows so they could melt the snow off the streets?  And follow up, do you think the car wash people would fight this invention since it would mean no more salt, which would me no more car washes?

Taking a break from a craft project.  That project?  Making a pinata of my company logo for our fiesta themed holiday party  Yes, I am that cool of an employee.

My purchases from Cyber Monday finally showed up.  5 brand new pairs of pants specifically purchased to enhance my work wardrobe.  Because, as it turns out, most companies don't like it when you show up without pants on.  I can only assume Chippendales is one of the few exceptions to this rule.

~ The Office Scribe

* BTW - The entire time I was typing this entry I had the MK theme song stuck in my head.  Damn that song is catchy.