Early Morning Shocker*

In what I can only assume was a gesture of kindness one of my co-workers someone dumped about a dozen or so packages of flavored coffee into the regular coffee drawer.

Sweet?

Um, not so much.  I walked into the break room in my usual a.m. haze, grabbed the regular occfee pot, poured a cup and took a sip of something that didn't taste like to rust removing black tar stuff I was used to consuming.  In fact, it smelled more like the dumpster of a Cinabon than coffee.

"I think there's something wrong with the coffee," I said to another employee who was making a cup of tea.

"Someone probably just made one of the specialty kinds," she replied.

Sure enough, when I looked in the trash there was an empty packet of Tiramisu flavored coffee.

If I want my Tiramisu drinkable, I'll chuck it in a blender with a fifth of Khalua like a normal person thank you very much.

And why the regular coffee pot?  Next time mess with the decaf drinkers.  They are much less likely to shank you with a letter opener for mesing with their brew.

~ The Office Scribe

* Get your minds out of the gutter.  As you can see, the shocker had nothing to do with the, um, hand gesture...

She's Like Santa - Only Scarier...

She sees you when you're sleeping.

She knows when you're awake.

She knows if your sitting at your desk, seconds away from banging your head into your desk repeatedly until the blissful embrace of unconsciousness takes you away because the one thing you need to finish today isn't getting done.

Who is this mystery woman?

Oprah

I had a coworker who used to subscribe to Oprah's many newsletters on her work account.  Not something I condone, but hey, I write an entire blog about work.  So who am I to judge.  Anywho, this co-worker moved to a warmer climate (smart girl) and when she did, we had all her e-mails forwarded to my account.

When I started to notice the Oprah e-mails, I started unsubscribing from them.

That was almost 10 months ago.  And they are still coming.

Ready for the second blog post to give you chills in as many days?

The one that popped up today, just as I was about to throw a chair through a window and follow it down three stories, had this as a headline:

HAVE YOU HIT A ROADBLOCK IN YOUR JOB?

(((shudder)))

How the hell did she know?

~ The Office Scribe

Stairway To...Not Going To Say Heaven

I don't know why but I have recently been taking a different stairwell to reach my office.  The cool thing is that the door is only steps from my cubicle.  The bad thing is that I am pretty sure I will be murdered in it one day.

Why?

It's creepy.  Like hella creepy.  Not that it really looks different than the other stairwell.  The creepiness stems from that not as many people use it since you need one of the key cards to exit onto any floor aside from the first.  I've never run into another soul since I started using it.

Perhaps it is my over-active imagination, but I could see the following one day becoming a reality.


It's late one night when The Office Scribe finally finishes up work for the day.  The rest of the office is empty, the other employees all having gone home to see their families and embrace their social lives.  She powers down her computer, shrugs on her jacket, and heads for the stairs. Once the door slams behind her the silence is palpable.  The only sounds she hears are the thuds of her stylish yet ancient Doc Marten's as she plods down the stairs and her breaths coming in short bursts.


She is halfway down the first flight when a door somewhere on a higher floor slams shut and she hears the heavy walk of someone making their way down towards her, at a pace faster than normal.  Her blood starts to run cold, because she has seen wwwaaayyyy too many horror movies and knows exactly what is about the happen.


Slowly she turns and looks up, and stares right into the face of a deranged madman, his eyes bulging from his head.  He starts to laugh.  The deep laugh of the truly insane.  From behind his back he produces a manila envelope, and closes in on The Office Scribe.  She grabs her favorite pen, the only thing she has to defend herself....


The following day someone from the office decides to sneak out for an early smoke, and uses the back stairs to make their escape.  He is so busy fumbling with his pack of cigarettes he almost doesn't notice the pool of blood and the decapitated body of The Office Scribe lying at the bottom of the stairs.  


Panic sweeps through the office as the news of her demise spreads.  The police are called and do an investigation.  The co-workers gather and hold a candlelight vigil on top of the parking deck.  Her cubicle is adorned with black bunting and it is said that no one shall ever sit there again.  Building security installs cameras and become more aware.


But they never seem to notice the quiet janitor who always has the same black Jetstream pen sticking out of the pocket of his work shirt.

Never thought I a post from a blog about office life could give you chills and haunt your dreams, did you?*

Happy Wednesday...

The Office Scribe

* Sometimes a girl just has to put her degree in creative writing to use.

Manic Monday #20

I am so freaking tired today.  Why?  Because the bitch I slept with last night kept me up.  And by bitch I mean the lab/pitbull mix named Sadie who lives at my mom's house.

Nothing quite like an hour and a half commute with 40 miles spent behind a pickup with Truck Nutz.

The mold on the splashguard might be an indication that I need to wash my Nalgeen on a more regular basis.

The adhesive strips I remove from UPS envelopes remind me of those from feminine hygiene products which is why after a busy shipping day my cubicle looks like a girls dorm bathroom two months into the semester after everyone's cycles have synced up.

The perfect accessory to a pair of lichen colored cords is a giant latte stain.  I never would have considered this look had the person at Starbucks not properly snapped the lid on my iced latte.  Thank you random coffee jockey for making my ensemble that much more interesting.

~ The Office Scribe

Please Organize That Desk....Top

At my company, if you are an hourly employee, you have to clock in on arrival and departure so they can pay you properly. And this is done on the computer (though I really wish we had the old fashioned punch cards and tie clocks, but I am on old fashioned kind of gal). Normally this is not an issue, but if an employee was running a few minutes late, because say, the new guy moving into the condo on the second floor felt the need to park a moving truck in front of my car, thus preventing me from leaving on time, this can sometimes be an issue.

See, my computer has been taking FOREVER to start up in the morning. Seriously, it’s like my PC is reenacting the scene from the hangover where Stu is just wandering around the hotel room thinking “What the hell happened here?”

That being said, I sometimes go and use someone else’s computer to punch in. This small act has opened up a window into the lives and souls of my coworkers. Basically, I am amazed by how unorganized their desktop icons are. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to them. They are in any order and they certainly aren’t in straight lines on the screen.

Maybe I’m anal, but I can’t do my job if my desktop isn’t organized. I have a small picture as my wallpaper (Which I change frequently) but all my icons are lined up on either side like a chess board. The ones on the left are the less frequently used ones and administrative icons while the ones on the right are those I can’t live without.

Anyone would be able to sit down at my computer and find exactly what they need.

So dear co-workers, clean up your desktops so I don’t have to go searching for the Virtual Time Clock when I show up a few minutes late.

Yes, it is all about me. You had doubts?

~ The Office Scribe

The Office Scribe - ON ICE!!!

There were no magical costumes.

Or medleys from "The Lion King".

Nor were there semi-enthralled kids who are cracked out of their minds on cotton candy.

There was just me, flailing like Hans Gruber after being tossed off the Nakatomi Building.

Chicago was hit with something called freezing rain last night.  I don't really understand what freezing rain is because I thought if precipitation fell from the heavens and it was below 32 degrees it was considered snow.  But, no, it was raining last night which mean everything was encased in ice like an individually frozen chicken breasts.

And since I haven't invested in crampons for my tractionless work shoes (which are the same Doc Marten's I've had for going on 12 years now...) it was a bit like the ice follies attempting to get from my apartment to my car and from the car to the office.  Luckily once I got to my car I had not problem getting in and the heated seats made up for the tensed up way of walking I used to get to my car to stop me from falling on my arse.  The dumb Eclipse (which if you read any of my previous posts or follow me on Twitter you know I have no love for) looked like a block of solid ice.

It made me giggle.

Once I arrived at work, it wasn't any better.  I watched a car slide dangerously close to one of the light posts which made me wonder if it fell on my car would my company make me take a vacation day to deal with the sorrow of seeing my baby crushed?  Or could I use a bereavement day?

Thank god it warmed up enough to melt the crazy ice, thus making my trip home it's usualy delightful 14 minute ride home to my cozy apartment which I should be cleaning instead of blogging about ice.

Still, I think I have my priorities straight.

~ The Office Scribe

Introductions All Around!

Holy hell people!  I do one little interview and my list of followers explodes like a black toner cartridge on that chick from accountings white shirt.

I was going to do some weak post about waking up late because ghosts changed my alarm settings (maybe tomorrow) but since I was raised right, I decided the more proper thing to do would be to introduce myself to everyone.  So here are some fun facts about yours truly which will let all my followers, both old and new, get a better grasp as to who The Office Scribe really is.

First off, I write under a pseudonym.  Why?  Because I have always wanted to legally change my name to The Office Scribe but my parents wouldn't let me.  Wait, no, that was Rumplestilskin.  I use a fake name because I was afraid of my employers finding out about the blog.  That worked wonders, until I was interviewed by MSNBC.com and people found out.  Opps.  Oh well, as you can see, I didn't lose my job (yay first amendment!) and I continue to write about work.

And since I don't use my real name, sometimes people are confused as to my gender.  I am, in fact, female.  Don't believe anything you hear otherwise.

I write about work because that is where I spend most of my time.  And because when I was a kid I thought working in an office would be a horrible experience.  And yes, sometimes it is.  But I learned to look past that and find the entertainment in working in a cubicle for 8 hours a day.  Sometimes it may seem like I don't like my coworkers but they are my second family and I do enjoy my time with them.

One day though, I would like to finish one of my many screenplays and jet off the Hollywood, buy a place in Venice Beach, and spend my days as a professional misanthrope who makes serious bank writing and directing (I did go to school for both film and creative writing.)

In regards to the blog, you should all know I usually post at night, when the thoughts of the day at the office are fresh in my head.  Every Monday is a Manic Monday post where it's whatever thought occurred to me that day, word vomit style.  And I sometimes run contests, for which there can be fabulous prizes.

I leave you to all digest that which I have just written.  I am a very open person and if you need to know anything, just ask.

Now I'm off the start following all of you who were kind enough to start following me today.  You have no idea what you are in for...

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - Also thanks to those of you who tracked me down via Twitter.  I am all over that crap at night.


P.P.S. - I do have another blog, Away From Her Desk, where I write about stuff that isn't office/work related.  So basically it is a lot of posts about movies and alcohol (two of my favorite subjects).  You may want to check that out too if you get a chance.