Squeal Like A Mermaid

Sometimes I have to wonder what the programmers at NetFlix are smoking.

I have rated over 1350 movie titles since joining in January, so I would assume the program that makes movie suggestions would have a good grasp on what kind of movies I like.

But perhaps not.

Today is gave me the suggested genre of Suspenseful Movies (based on my previous choices). Here are some of the movies it suggested:

- Traffic
- Chinatown
- Street Kings
- Apocalypto
- Deliverance

Okay, so those all make sense. But when I tabbed over for more suggestions, remind you from the same category, it suggested these movies:

- Get Smart
- Wall-E
- Nim’s Island
- The Little Mermaid
- Sleeping Beauty
- Barbie & the Diamond Castle

And my personal favorite:

- Pirates Who Won’t Do Anything – A Veggie Tales Movie

Because there is nothing like watching Roman Polanski slit someone’s nose open followed by a singing crab…

~The Office Scribe

Inside Voices (And not the ones in my head)

Did you ever have a teacher in grammar school remind you to use your “inside voice”? No, this was not some new age concept about dealing with your inner self but merely a reminder that if you are inside there is no reason to shout at volume 11 to the person sitting next to you. One of my teachers even went as far as to label it the “12 inch voice” or the volume you would use to speak to someone who is just 12 inches away from you.

I’m guess that there are a lot of people who work in my office who are not familiar with this concept. Perhaps because they simply forgot everything that happened to them in grammar school because they graduated the same year as Lincoln or maybe they repressed those memories because something horrible happened to them one day on the jungle gym. Whatever the reason may be these co-workers of mine need to be reminded that if you are in your cubicle, talking to another person in the same cubicle, that there is no reason that I should be able to hear every word you are saying when I sit 3 cubicles over.

And while listening into other peoples conversations is generally a guilty pleasure of mine, it does not mean that I find the following topics interesting enough that I want to pause what I am working on and takes notes:

- Your children and how horrible/adorable/smart/backstabbing they are

- Any medical issues you are having (the more detailed the conversation the worse it generally is)

- Spouse problems that have the dramatic power of a Charmin commercial

- A 15 minute conversation about what you brought for lunch and how long is will take to heat up

- A recap of what happened on “Dancing with the Stars”

If you want to share with the world you feeling about another co-worker or how you think the Fun Committee (which I am a proud member of) could be doing better, by all means, shout it from on high* and let me hate you just a bit more.

Otherwise please use your inside voices because what you have to say is only interesting to you.

~The Office Scribe

* It would be much appreciated if you could duplicate that scene from Dead Poet's Society and stand on your desk and shout (Walt Whitman quote is optional)

It Smells Like Someone Slaughtered Snuggles

I have no idea what an office is supposed to smell like.  Possibly a combination of coffee and that weird inky smell the printer gives off when it overheats.  

What I do know is that it is not supposed to have the overwhelming sent of dryer sheets.  I walked over to a co-workers cubicle today (if you are reading this you know who you are...) to answer a simple question.  As I was chatting with him I couldn't help but noticed a strong odor what smelled like clean laundry.  Really, really clean laundry.

I was about to walk away but I had to find out what the scent was, so I asked.

"Oh," he replied, "it's my reed diffusor, you like?"

Now there are few things that I do in life that I would describe as "especially girly".  Baking gourmet cupcakes is one.  My love of all things scented - candles, air fresheners, oil heaters - is another.  I have candles scattered around my apartment.  I light them all the time.  I like the smell and have been told by some that I have an unhealthy attraction to fire - but that's another blog post.

But I really don't understand why people need air fresheners at work.  There is nothing at work that I feel like I need to mask with the scent of freesia, patchoulli, or pine needles.

And I know that what I think smells nice may not smell nice to a co-worker.  And when stink like that gets trapped in cubicles it practically explodes out each time the person leaves, sending waves of scent rippling over us like the cloud of ash from a recent volcanic explosion.

So the next time you want to make your cubicle more "homey", get a bobble head like a normal office worker...

~The Office Scribe

The Parking Lot Equivalent of Crop Circles

I believe that life from distant planets is trying to communicate with my office building. No, there haven’t been any weird objects spotted in the skies overhead. Nor has anyone been abducted from my company. (Unless the whole layoff thing was a complicated scheme helmed by said aliens…)

But extraterrestrials are the only explanation I have found that would explain why the hell there are rocks on the top of the parking deck where I park. And I am not talking small pebbles that would fall off a tire. These are like those decorative river rocks that people use to landscape around bushes.

There are dozens of them and not a stick of landscaping around that they could have rolled from. They also just happen to appear a few days ago, so it wasn’t like a snow plow deposited them while clearing the parking deck since it is roughly 50 degrees outside and we haven’t had snow in like a month.

So attention all you little green men out there. Feel free to contact me directly at TheOfficeScribe@yahoo.com instead of leaving cryptic stones lying about like the British or the characters in the newly released Nicholas Cage move “Knowing”.

I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have about earthlings and the goings-on in office buildings.

~The Office Scribe

Cause That's The Way We Get High....

I was sitting at my desk today, working like a mad women when I looked over and saw a co-worker sniffing a black Magic Marker.  We then proceeded to have a nice little conversation about the smell of permanent markers and assorted other office supplies that had weird smells. Though nothing has fumes worse than the shipping tape we use to package the boxes.  I actually get a bit woozy whenever I have to ship something.

But wait, that wasn't the only talk of drugs in the office today.  

Another co-worker and I had a conversation about acid reflux and the best medication to use to handle that situation.  Personally, I am a fan of Pepcid.  Cures stuff really fast.  But my co-worker told me that she prefers something that is usually locked up with stuff like Sudafed and Claritin.  I told her that all the best medications were kept locked up because you could use them to make Meth.  She said she didn't know anything about that.

I told her I wasn't going to afford a new car on my salary alone.  

Everyone needs a side job*.

~The Office Scribe

*Okay, so I know I have a side job with the bar and all that.  But it hasn't started yet, so there.

Mozart Makes Mondays Less Mundane and More Movie-like

So I am back in the office, ensconced within the comfy confines of my cubicle, and though I had about 65 e-mails to go through this morning, things have been relatively quiet. I can’t imagine I missed much in the three days I was gone last week. So when I got back from lunch and was about to slip into a traditional afternoon coma I decided in order to remain sitting upright and thus draw less attention to myself I would pop my iPod earbud in one ear and let the tunes make the day go faster.

I am not sure why but this weekend I was feeling very classical and downloaded about 30 songs from such musical heavyweights as Beethoven and Wagner. The kind of stuff that I play when I am cleaning my house. Those pieces that make an otherwise insignificant scene in a movie packed with drama.

And wouldn’t you know it had the same effect on my Monday afternoon?

When the iPod was on it was like I was in a cinematic masterpiece where the main character was about to crack some ever important computer code or watch as the office was blown apart in some sort of slow motion explosion that would send her flying through the window. Or perhaps a phone call from a mysterious stranger would come through and send out heroine one a chase around the city Run Lola Run style.

When the iPod was off it was like being snapped back to reality. Clicking computer keys, incoherent voices on phones, the general office din that makes time come to a grinding halt.

This little musical revelation has given me the urge to seek out some sort of speaker system and play music that would inspire my fellow co-workers, like that scene in Shawshank Redemption.

I think it would definitely be worth a month in the hole, or perhaps a broom closet…

~The Office Scribe

Can The Office Scribe Also Be The Bar Scribe?

The title of this post was a question posed to me by my sainted mother...

So a friend of my mom's is opening up an English pub up near where she lives and guess what, they offered me a job. Now seeing as how I did go to bartending school and spend over nine years as a butcher, you would think that this would be the best possible job in the world for me. Instead of sitting in a bland cubicle I could be pouring pints and baking Cornish pasties for pub patrons.

So you are probably wondering what has stopped me from throwing all of my work possesions into a box and booking it for this soon-to-be-opened establishment? Well, aside the pub not offering me any sort of medical coverage my mom lives an hour and a half away from me. I only get up to her place a few times a month.

But I didn't turn it down either.

So folks, I soon hope to bring you exciting news and tales from something called a second job. Apprently people obtain second jobs when they are in poor economic straights, like me, or want to make their lives better through the purchase of a new automobile, also like me. I have never had more than one job at a time and I am looking forward to it. And seeing as how my mom will be working there too I won't actually be sacraficing quality family time either.

Best of both worlds*? An office job and a bar job?

I think so.

~The Office Scribe

*Now when I collapse from exhaustion that will be another thing...