EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY - NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 

 
The Management

One of my coworkers sent this to me and since I was going to be lazy and not post tonight, I thought "oooh, easy post!".

~ The Office Scribe

We Laugh Because We Care

There are lots of ways to show that you care about your coworkers...

You could tell them that they are doing a wonderful job once a week.

You could bring them a bagel from Dunkin' Donuts when you stop to get one for yourself.

You could nominate them for employee of the year.

Or you could just giggle uncontrollably after they fall out of a coworkers chair (after making sure they are alright, of course).

Guess which one of these I did today?

~ The Office Scribe

A Cube With A View

I know there are companies that choose their offices based on prestigious addresses or a nice view.  My office doesn't have either of those, but I love the location.  Here's why:

1) Food
There have to be about 20 places within a 5 minute drive where one can go get some tasty vitals.  Feel like a burrito?  There's Chipotle.  Soup in a bread bowl with a side of bread?  Try Panera.  Chicago hot dog?  Portillo's of course!  Disgusting pizza served buffet style?  That place NEXT to Panera!

2) Early Warning
At 10:00 a.m. on the first Tuesday of every month (like today) the tornado siren is tested.  And since it is, oh, level with where I park my care, we can hear it really well inside the building.  REALLY WELL.  Which I can only assume means that when a tornado actually strikes, or aliens attack, or whatever causes that thing to go off, we will be able to get to safety just that much faster.  Which as we know (because of Hollywood) a few seconds can be the difference between life and death.

3) Traffic 
No, I am not excited that we have a lot of traffic.  I am excited because I can see how bad the traffic is on my route home from my window.  Well, from the window I can see if I turn 180 degrees, stand up, and look over my coworkers cubicle.

Hmm, I just realized I may have provided some of you with enough information to track me down.  Well, let the stalking begin*!

~ The Office Scribe

* 4) Key Cards and Desk Guards
Good luck with that whole stalking thing.

Manic Monday #49

Holy crap that new highlighter is pink.  I bet that's what Barbie's blood looks like.

My mom gave me a Tassimo home brewing system a few weeks ago.  I just got around to hooking it up and now I think I am addicted. Seriously, if they made a portable version (of the brewer) I would be up 24/7.  I am waiting for them to make a version for the car.  That would be amazing!

It is my fault the candy dish is full.  It is not my fault that you are eating the candy.

Thank god the ice machine is once again working in the lunch room.  I for one, am so much happier when there is something in the office that makes the place feel like a hotel. (Plus I think my mom is the only person who likes "tepid" water.)

Yesterday was 74 degrees and sunny. Today was grey and in the 40's.  Isn't spring in the midwest wonderful?

~ The Office Scribe

Where The Hell Have I Been?

The gym.

And I am down 10 pounds.

So quit complaining.  I'll be around more next week.

~ The Office Scribe

Fav St. Patrick's Day Quote From The Office

"They didn't have any, but I did run into the day drinkers.  The ones buying forties" - Co-worker who ran out to buy a lime from a liquor store.

~ The Office Scribe

Consuming Alcohol In The Office

Sure, we've all heard the rumors that people have liquor stashed in their desk drawers around the office.  For some it might be scotch.  For others, a nip of schnapps.  But tomorrow, for me and mine, it will be beer, whiskey and creme liquor...

You may be asking yourself "Office Scribe, how do you plan on getting away with that much hooch in the office?"

By turning it into a cupcake of course...

Stay tuned for pics of my famous Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes.

Seriously, they are the best thing I have ever invented, since I invented sliced bread.

~ The Office Scribe