Manic Monday #68 (maybe...I lost track and it's been a while)

I'm like 90% sure that Starbucks has my house bugged and knows that I am going to get a Flat White before I do.   That is the only explanation for the barista handing me my drink at the drive thru before I even paid.


I don't think the world really needs more than 3 colors of highlighters.  I will let you all decide which colors we keep.


If you leave me a message, then send me an email, and get mad when I reply to the email instead of calling then why did you bother to send the email?


If you haven't seen "Kong: Skull Island" I highly suggest you do, if not for the giant Ape, then for the performance by John C Reilly and the most amazing soundtrack.


I'm doing a Polar Plunge on Saturday dressed as Batman if you need another reason to be jealous of me.

I'm back!!!  I know, I know.  It has been years since my last post.  Millions of people have been born and died since I last wrote about the goings on in my life.  You may ask where have I been?  The short answer is work  The long answer is really busy at work, with other life aspects getting in the way  But recently I have realized how much I miss writing (Make that writing more than 140 characters at a time...)  So I used some recently earned bonus money (because I am in sales now) and bought myself a laptop so I can get back to doing what I love. 

Not much to say right now, primarily because the laptop arrived today and I am still trying to figure out how to use it.  But I promise more to come soon.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #67

This weekend I ran the Warrior Dash. In addition to a t-shirt, hat and sweet medal, I was also rewarded with muscle soreness that I have never experienced before.  This was part of the reason I wore running shoes to the office. The other part was because I was slightly lazy and put the first pair on I could find. 

I am convinced it was raining used staples at my desk today. 

You can always tell its going to be a good week when the emails about going out for Happy Hour on Thursday start flying before noon. 

I am always shocked by people who use pencils instead of pens in the workplace. I am sure there is some deep psychological reason behind it which makes me suspicious of those individuals. 

I couldn't figure out where the music was coming from at my desk today. I checked the computer speakers but it wasn't coming from there. I walked away and could still hear it. So glad I finally realized it was coming my iPhone. Or more specifically, the earbud attached to my iPhone which was in my right ear. 

 If Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, or any member of the Veronica Mars movie production team reads this let me wish you luck on your first day of shooting from a rainy Chicago. Can't wait to get more updates on the production! 

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #66

I'd like to think I am adult at age 31 - but apparently I am not adult enough to remember to purchase coffee when I am at the grocery store over the weekend.

The green highlighter is the most elusive color of highlighters.

Kudos to the building I work in for finally turning the heat on.  In April. To 180 degrees. Pretty sure all the females (and probably the males) though they were going through the change of life.

A coworker and I were trying to figure out if hand sanitizer goes bad. What prompted the discussion was I used the bottle of hand sanitize on my desk for the first time in about 5 years and it was so potent it burned my eyes. It might not be as harsh if it was mixed with some tonic and a slice of lime.

Thank god the office was practically empty when I was scared by the life size statue in my company's lobby. Me squealing and jumping a foot into the air would have knocked a few points of my intimidation factor. 

I like that I have to do division to figure out how many vacation days I have this year since our payroll site gives it to me in hours instead of days.  (Please note the sarcasm - it's weird to see you have 170.5 hours of PTO for the year.)

Today is April 15th - the day you have to have your taxes done by. I don't understand why the lines are always so long at the post office on this day. It's not a surprise that you have to have them done by today, why did you wait? You should have been like me and downloaded the Turbo Tax app last night at about 10:00 p.m. while scurrying around like a madwoman trying to find your W2. 

~ The Office Scribe

Spring Awakening (Not The Musical, That Was Horrible)

It's that blessed time of year when animals across the northern hemisphere yawn and stretch and start to come out of their hibernation.

I am one of those animals, except the unseasonably cold weather in the Chicagoland area is making it a little difficult. Seriously - last year by this time I had a tan. This year I am still sleeping in a bed with flannel sheets.

But technically it is Spring and I have had the urge to get back into my old habits, like doing laundry on a semi regular basis and continue to this blog. I haven't written in ages because I kinda fell off the creative bandwagon. Most of my energy has actually been focused on like family and friends and work, which I know is crazy.

Okay, so maybe not crazy crazy but crazy awesome, but I feel like there has been a little hole that can only be filled by returning to this blog.

So followers (if I have any left) I am back. I have a whole cache of thrilling new stories gathered from 8 hours a day spent in an office.

And I promise that is not as boring as it sounds.

~ The Office Scribe

Top Five 2013 Work Related Fears

5) I haven't been at work since December 21, 2012.  I am not sure if I will remember how to get to the office tomorrow.

4) All of the coffee pots will have been switched to decaf.

3) I'll lose my sweet window seat when they move my desk in a few weeks.  It's not so much the view I will miss, but the tree outside.  I figure of the office is ever attacked by ninjas jumping out onto that three might be my only means of escape.

2) That my company will institute a khaki/colored polo shirt dress code and I will never be able to walk into a Best Buy or Target again.

And my greatest fear...

1) That none of you remember who I am since I haven't posted in about 12 years...

Happy to be back in 2013.

~ The Office Scribe

The Lazarus Post

Okay, so comparing myself to someone who rose from the dead (and not in a sparkly vampire or flesh eating zombie kind of way) might be a little over the top - but then again I haven't posted since March so it isn't that far off either.

I'd like to apologize to my followers* (if I have any left) for my lack of posting.  I don't think I have gone this long without posting since I started to blog.  And I hate that.  So tomorrow, make sure you stop by for an all new Manic Monday post and every day after that for a new post.

~ The Office Scribe

* I know I still have one reader - my mom, who told me this weekend "you haven't blogged in a long time.  I am sick of looking at windmills." 

Windmill Fighting

I am not sure what really lead to this conversation, but the preferred form for fighting within my department is now Windmill Fighting.

While it might sound like a lost Kung Fu style, or like something out of a Cervates novel, it's much simpler than that.

Basically, you attack someone with flailing arms, much like a windmill, and hope that you eventually hit the intended target.

Sounds juvenile, but to quote South Park, "Simpson's did it".

* Bart is using the style on the left, while Lisa prefers another method.

So whenever someone is challenged about anything in my department, the other person invokes the following sentence:

Shall we settle this Windmill Style?

So far no one has actually taken anyone up on the challenge (possibly because someone in my department is 6'3" and has a reach much longer than anyone else...)

But one day, arguments will be settled this way.

I guarantee it.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #65

When someone answers the phone by saying "How may I direct your call?", do you really think they are the person to unload your life story on, or should you maybe just tell them who you want to talk to?

You know the day went by way too fast when you can't figure out what you actually did and realize you didn't take a lunch.

 

Chicago has been in the midst of some seriously awesome weather.  I mean, it's March and I am sporting some flip-flop tan lines already.  Anyway, it got really dark out today looked like a massive storm was going to come crashing down on my office.  The kind that kills the power and make co-workers huddle together in stairwells while cows go flying by the windows.  But the weather gods looked down on us in our cubicles and said, "No.  The nice weather shall continue".  Those bastard weather gods are awesome on the weekends but mean during the week.

Is it too soon to start planning April Fool's Day pranks?  Nope, I didn't think so.

BRACKET UPDATE: Okay, so I am really bad at picking teams in the Midwest, but am actually doing pretty solid in the other 3.  Everyone needs to go light a candle and pray that Indiana doesn't lose to Kentucky, because if they win I feel a lot more comfortable with my overall bracket.

~ The Office Scribe

NCAA Bracket Virgin

Now I am a girl who likes sports.  Need examples?  Of course you do.

1) I was a 3 season athlete in junior high - Volleyball, Basketball, and Softball.  Oh, except for 8th grade when I was a 3+ season athlete because in addition to Softball I also threw shot put for the track team (The track couch thought because I could throw a softball I could throw an 8lb. metal sphere.  It wasn't really the case...)

2) Like every child who was born from 1980 - 1983, the first dance I learned was the Super Bowl Shuffle.

And possibly the most telling example:

3) I witnessed Jim Thome hit his 500th home run.  While wearing a Jim Thome jersey.  On Jim Thome bobble head day.  And I cried like a baby as the fireworks went off over the ballpark.

But today I did something that I have never done before - I filled out an NCAA bracket.  Why?  Because I can't say no to some of my coworkers, that's why.

As I sat there, starring at the most complicated sports betting chart I have ever seen (horse racing doesn't count - that's an activity, not a sport) I was at a loss.  All around me coworkers were chatting about rankings and games and points and a bunch of other things that made me feel more out of the loop than an Amish kid at a iPad release party.

See, I didn't graduate from a college that was ever in the NCAA tournament.  Actually, my college didn't even have a sports team (unless you count ultimate frisbee... which I don't).  I guess that's what I get for going to an art school.

Which meant I had to come up with my own creative way of choosing which teams would advance throughout March Madness.

My solution - I chose teams based on the people in my life.  Namely, did I know anyone who went to that school?  If the answer was yes, I chose that team.  If no, I didn't.  When it came between two teams where I knew people who had attended both schools, I asked myself, "Who do I like more, as a person, not as a team?"

Scientific?  Nope.  Strategic?  Hardly.  Creative?  Hells yeah.

So here are a few of my picks explained, including who I think will take the whole thing.

Vanderbilt vs. Harvard
Does anyone actually know anyone that went to Harvard.  Well, okay, I kinda knew this guy one time who went there.  And I've been there on vacation.  But I had to go with Vandy because my friends little sister goes there and I have always had a fondness for the state of Tennessee.

Saint Mary's vs. Perdue
I picked Saint Mary's because my friend went there.  Then I found out later that the one in the tournament was in California and I was thinking it was the one in Minnesota.  Oops.

Marquette vs. BYU
I grew up in Chicago, which means I knew about a couple dozen people who headed north of the Cheddar Curtain and went to Marquette.  Plus, since Big Love has been cancelled, I don't think I can count on anything from Utah.

Kansas vs. Detroit
Remember when I mentioned I was quite the athlete in junior high?  Well my softball coach from way back then had a Kansas Jawhawk sticker on the back of her car because her daughter went there.  Ever since there I have always liked Kansas, though I am not sure if the school is in real Kansas or Kansas City...

Gonzaga vs. West Virginia
Okay, I don't know anyone that went to either one of these schools.  But come on, who the hell doesn't pick Gonzaga as a default based on the name alone?

And to take it all, I picked:

I know, kinda of a long shot, but I like the long shots.  Plus a coworker and my cousin both went there, it's relatively close to Chicago, and their team is called the Hoosiers, which according to Wikipedia, no one can really explain the origin of...

So wish me luck in my NCAA endeavours.  I'll keep you updated here and on Twitter as to how I am doing.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #64

Kudos to the high lords of all things time related for messing with both my external and internal clocks with a little thing called Daylight Savings Time.  I almost forgot to head up to the front desk at 6:00 to answer phones because it was still light outside. The entire company may have collapsed like so many dominoes set up by a bored college student bent on trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The jar of M&M's on my coworkers desk is either the greatest thing since sliced bread or the origin of the zombie Apocalypse.

I don't know why I even bother taking the time to make To Do lists.  I never get around to doing the tasks on them anyway.

Peanut Butter Cheerios may be the greatest breakfast invention ever. 

Sometime I sit at my desk and think "What is that smell?" and before I can track it down, the smell is gone.  I know - I'm weird. (I should point out that the smell is often pleasant - get your minds out of the gutter.)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #63

I got an e-mail today was from someone who stumbled across the word "symbology" and decided to send the paragraph to me, in hope that I was a Boondock Saints fan.  Turns out I am, so the e-mail made me giggle.

Sorry dear lady who called 10 minutes before we closed - Chicago is not 2 hours ahead of New York.

The mere addition of a few slices of cucumber automatically makes a decent sandwich that much more superior.

And for those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (shame on your) or aren't friends with me on Facebook (I tend to shun those I don't know in person) yesterday was my birthday.  I celebrated my 30th birthday the only way I know how - by convincing two east coast football teams to compete for the top honor in the NFL.  Oh, and I drank some beer and ate some pizza.

Anywho - today I walk into the office around 11:00 (I start late on Monday's because I am lazy), latte in hand, and see this:

Yes, that is my actual cubicle decked out in balloons, streamers and wrapping paper.  On the far right, behind the chair, are several types of brownies and two homemade pies made by my manager, who has never baked a pie in his life.  Why pie and brownies?  Because I don't like cake or frosting even though I bake like a fiend.

As much as us cubicle monkeys might complain about working in an office, it's days like this that makes it all worthwhile.

~ The Office Scribe
~ The Office Scribe

Panini Press Lunch

It's been said by some of my coworkers that I am a Jack of all Trades.

I can bake, do crafts, answer inane trivia questions, cut meat, fix the printer, etc, etc, etc

Today I added to my list of skills by teaching my coworkers how to cook pizza in a panini press.

Step One: Purchase a cheap, thin crust pizza. (Rising crust or overly topped ones won't work)

Step Two: Ignore the directions and thaw before cooking.

Step Three: Fold pizza in half.

Step Four: Insert into panini press and grill until golden brown.

Step Five: Enjoy

The thing pretty much comes out like a calzone but it much more impressive.

Ahh the things you do in the office on Fridays.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #62

My life would be so much easier if I had a butler.  Preferably someone like Alfred from the Batman movies.  I'd prefer Michael Caine but I'd pretty much settle for any man over the age of 64 with a British accent.

Two days ago we had a blizzard.  Last night we had a thunderstorm.  It's official - I no longer know how to dress for work in the morning.

While answering phones at the front desk I forgot my name.  Try explaining that pause to the client without sounding like a complete idiot.

I decided I need to wear a pedometer around the office because I bet I walk well over 5 miles each day and the only way to prove it is to clock it.  And yes, that means I don't spend nearly as much time as I should at my desk.  

The number one phrase I utter at work is "Yes, you with your hand raised" and no, I am not a school teacher.

My red pen died today.  I think it is a conspiracy by those who wish to stop me from editing their work with my charming yet snarky comments.

~ The Office Scribe

Hello 2012!

Ahh, nothing like the first blog post of the year.

At least you can all be thankful that I didn't do one of those god-awful year in review posts.

Nor am I going to list a bunch of goals and resolutions that I will never get around to achieving.

Basically this post is to remind all of you that this is the year to check as many items off your bucket list as humanly possible.

You can thank the Mayans for this line of thinking*.

But that doesn't mean you can shirk your responsibilities - which means you all have to go back to work tomorrow, or in my case, Tuesday.

~ The Office Scribe

* I think you can also thank them for chocolate.  So yay Mayans!

Missing - My Key Card

Missing - One electronic key card which allows me to get into my office suite.  Last seen in my back pocket at the holiday party on Friday.

Possible locations include:
- Somewhere in the chaos that is my cubicle
- At the bar where we went after the party
- Still in the jeans I wore Friday
- My car
- My mom's house
- The inside of my rottweiler
- The wallet of someone who really wants to get into the office
- A local hospital
- One of the various purses I didn't carry in the past 4 days, but where stuff still seems to end up
- Narnia

I really hope it's in one of the above locations because I don't want to have to shell out $10 for a new one and suffer the looks of the people in HR, as this is the second one I have lost.

Reward - None.  If I was willing to pay money, I would just get a new card.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #61

Sadly I did not win anything at the office holiday party.  So that makes my official stats when it comes to winning 2 wins, 4 losses.

Nothing like driving past the mall at noon on a Monday during what is supposed to be a bad economy and seeing every single parking spot full.  (And don't judge me for not being at work on a Monday at noon - I took every Monday off in December.)

To the lady arguing in line at the grocery store - yes, there is a difference between cilantro and Italian parsley.

Fun fact - If you steal something the guys at Pawn Stars won't buy it.  So the lesson there is lie about the origins of your awesome stuff, take the money and run.

I spent the day doing laundry and I still have no idea what to wear to work tomorrow.


~ The Office Scribe

Stove Top? Really?

I was watching an episode of South Park last night and in it there is a stuffing shortage.  Cartman freaked out and dragged his mom to the store in search of this oh-so-perfect side dish.  But alas, the shelves were bare.

Luckily, this would never be an issue in my family because while we'll use pre-packaged stuffing at other times of the year, where it comes to Thanksgiving, we make it from scratch, using a recipe that has been handed down through the ages.  A recipe that I now pass along to you in hopes that it will make your Thanksgiving just that much more awesome.

Yes, I know this really doesn't have anything to do with working in an office - but since I am not in the office this week, why should my posts be about a place I am not in.  That would be like me blogging about Hawaii or Wal-Mart.

~ The Office Scribe

Family Bread Stuffing My family can trace this recipe to 1911 when my Great-grandfather,  then a 16-year-old teenager, worked in a lumber camp outside of Eugene, Oregon as an assistant to the camp cook as he was not old enough to do the actual lumbering. ·         1 loaf white bread ·         1 bay leaf ·         2 apples, peeled & grated ·         1 tbsp baking powder ·         1 onion, peeled and grated ·         ½ - 1 lb. butter ·         1 egg ·         1 tbsp dried sage ·         salt & pepper to taste ·         Water, if needed to moisten The night before, tear the bread into bite-size pieces, place bread pieces in a bowl and cover with a towel. Set the bowl on the countertop overnight and allow the bread to dry out. The next morning, after rinsing out the turkey, mix together all ingredients in a large bowl and add water to moisten, if needed. Stuff the turkey cavity and bake per instructions on the bird. When turkey is done, using a large spoon remove all stuffing and place in an oven-safe bowl. While the turkey is resting, place bowl in oven until top slightly browns. Remember to remove the bay leaf prior to serving. Some shortcuts that have evolved over the years are: • Once bread is torn it can be placed on a baking sheet or in a 13x9-inch pan and placed in the oven overnight as this allows for more evenly drying out the bread. There is no need to turn on the oven. If you are in a hurry, the oven can be turned to the lowest setting and the bread should dry out within 20 minutes. • Use a natural chunky applesauce in place of peeling and grating the apples. • Use turkey or chicken broth in place of some of the butter for flavor and less calories. This is especially good if you are making dressing rather than stuffing as it will have the poultry flavor. Broth can also be used in place of water to moisten if needed. • Chopped celery can be added to the onion. You can begin the recipe by sweating the onion and celery in some melted butter, remove from stovetop, and then add the remaining ingredients. • I have never used packaged, pre-cut bread cubes, but do not see why they would not work.

Manic Monday - The Thanksgiving 2011 Edition

Nothing like starting my week of vacation by running into the office for 20 minutes to mail something to a client.  I can't tell if I am super dedicated or super crazy.

Emo Rupert Everett was enjoying a cigarette outside Starbucks today.  Whenever I see him I can't help but giggle.

I am in the process of cleaning my desk out at home, which if you have ever seen my desk you know is a somewhat daunting task.  So far, some of things I have found include:
- An Oscar Meyer weenie whistle
- Multiple packages of Spider Man pencils, which is odd since I am not a fan of Spiderman or pencils)
- Four hole punches, as in quantity of hole punches, not in how many holes they punch
- A night light shaped like a Knight
- A shot glass from Oxford
- Road trip magnetic license plate game
- Violet flavored mints which are awesome if you can ever find them in a place that isn't my desk

~ The Office Scribe

And The Fifth Horseman Is Cold Season

Yes ladies and gents, it's that fabulous type of year otherwise known and Cold & Flu season.  It's seems like just as the mercury starts to drop and we turn our clocks back* I get a nice cold.  I totally blame it on my coworkers, especially those with kids, as I am sure that it is in schools that all modern day plagues start.  Starting last Monday (which yes, was Halloween) I began feeling what my father would have called "punky" - itchy eyes, slight cough, moderate fever, etc.

So I did what any dedicated employee would do - I dosed myself with NyQuil, went to sleep early, and was prepared to feel better come Tuesday morning.

But when my alarm went off at 7:00 a.m. I rolled over, looked at the clock and thought "Can I do it? Can I drag myself out of bed and make it work work?"  I dwelled on it for about 30 seconds and then did the unthinkable and called in sick to work.

November 1, 2011 was my first full sick day of the day (I did take half a day in the Spring, but that doesn't count).  I mean, I guess that is why were are all given sick days.  I did it because yes, I felt like crap, but because I also didn't want to infect any of my coworkers.  Now you may be thinking "Wow, that is so nice, taking your coworkers health into consideration."  But truthfully, I did it to keep them at work so I don't have to cover for them.

Anywho, it's now Saturday and I am about 95% better, except for the cough that won't go away.  But that's why the medicine gods gave us Robitussin and Luden's throat drops.

~ The Office Scribe

*Um, speaking of changing the clocks, why does this always happen on the weekends?  Sure, when I used to go to church it was worth a chuckle or two to see everyone who forgot and would show up for mass early/late, but I think it would be much funnier if it happened on a random Wednesday and all us cubicle monkey's had to remember so we wouldn't be late for work.  Who do I write to in order to get this changed?