Monday, February 28, 2011

Manic Monday #48

I was at my desk for exactly 4 minutes before the printer decided to cause problems this morning.  I think that has to be a record.

Zero calorie salad dressing is alright for something that has zero calories and 40 ingredients I can't pronounce.

A new employee is sitting with me on Wednesday so I can explain my job to them.  My fear is that I'll be judged by the random stuff I have at my desk.  I mean, seriously, what does it say about me that I have a Pope snow globe, baby Darth Vader, and one of the aliens from the Toy Story movie amongst my files?

If what I am currently doing for a living doesn't work out, I think I want to mentor troubled actors.  I could do so much good for the Charlie Sheens and Lindsay Lohans of the world by smacking them upside the head and locking them in a cellar until they realize what lucky bastards they really are and to stop messing everything up because the common man has NO patience or sympathy for wasting talent and or money on coke and hookers.

Cubicles need doorbells.

These 5 Hour Energy ads make it look like making a pot of coffee and drinking a cup to be the hardest tasks in the world.  I hate to think what they would do to something a tad more complicated, like driving a car or brain surgery.

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Newest Profession - Weather(wo)man

This past Thursday something happened to me, which can only be described as spiritual.  I was calmly sitting at my desk, when I was struck by a bolt of lightning known to many as a "calling".  Religious fanatics have these all the time... a higher power speaks to them and sets them on the path of destiny.  And while this occurrence is common in caves and cult compounds, it rarely ever happens within the confines of ones cubicle.

But there I sat, patiently going about my day last Thursday, when I heard the voice...

The first whisper came in the form of the morning radio as I awoke (sadly not to the radio, but that is for another post).  There was mutterings about how Chicago was going to be hit with another wave of snow, not as bad as the Snowpocolypse of 2011 but enough that it would cause havoc on the roadways later in the day...

Next, I was contacted by the powers via e-mail.  A company wide e-mail had gone out announcing that the hotel next door was running a special "Snow Rate" for anyone who wished to spend the night and not attempt to go home in the chaos that people were predicting....

At a meeting a short while later, someone declared that they had heard that the snow predictions had gone from 1-3 inches to possibly 9, enough to once again bring the Chicagoland area to its knees...

Lastly, some coworkers whose cubicles are located a short distance from mine stood around, discussing the possibility of being snowed in the following day, their cars trapped by the piles of snow that the news was predicting...

And that's when the bolt hit me.  I felt it go through my body like an electric shudder.  I stood upright, and announced in a clear voice...

"Don't listen to the news.  We are going to get less than half an inch.  You won't be snowed in tomorrow."

My coworkers looked at me and smiled, possibly thinking that I had lost my mind.  They continued to speak of bringing work home with them and of stopping off to gather supplies before the storm.

I sat back down at my desk, feeling not a sense of defeat, but of enlightenment.  I was sure that come the following day, everyone would be back at the desks...

I woke Friday morning, my blinds closed to keep out the winter sun (seriously, I sleep like a vampire) and wondered if my prediction could have been correct.  I was almost fearful to look outside, for if there was a ton of snow, then possibly I was losing my mind.  I gathered myself and lurched out of bed (no grace before coffee) and peeked out of the window.  And what do you think I saw?

If you said 5-9 inches of snow, you would most certainly be wrong.

As I predicted, there was about 1/2 inch of snow, if that, covering the ground.  There was so little accumulation that the maintenance guy at my building was using a push broom as opposed to a shovel.  I was ecstatic with the knowledge that I know had the power to predict the weather like some sort of Greek god, or Marvel superhero.  

Which is why I marched into my boss' office on Friday, handed in my resignation, and applied to be a meteorologist at Channel 5 news.

Okay, so that last sentence was nothing but lies, but I was pretty proud of myself for being able to properly forecast the weather sans fancy equipment and a green screen.

It's nice to know if my current job doesn't work out, I have something to fall back on (besides bartending, baking, butchering, writing, landscaping, organ donation, ninja assassin, peg board operator, captain of a cruise ship and homeless clown.)

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, February 21, 2011

Manic Monday #47

A lot of people told me I was really quiet today.  I tried to convince them it was because I was really busy. I don't think it worked. 

8 of us are in the midst of doing our version of the Biggest Loser, which is running for three months.  And I will win.  Why?  Because I eat healthy and work out?  No, because when money is on the line I will shut it down.  And by it, I mean my lethargic lifestyle and love of carbs.  This contest is mine.  So, to those coworkers not in the contest - stop asking me why my candy dish is empty.  Keep it up and I won't let use any of my winnings to fill it back up.

Who has two thumbs and almost slipped and fell out on the parking lot today?  This gal!  (And practically everyone else.  Dear building, what happened to that wacky beet juice stuff that makes the ice go away?)

Do you ever prepare a lie, just in case you have to use it?  I did that today.  I came straight from my mom's house to work this morning, and forgot to pack work shoes, so I wore my running shoes, which is against dress code.  So I figured if anyone asked, I would tell them "Oh, I did something to my foot this weekend and had to wear these."  A good lie.  Simple.  Brief.  And easy to believe.  But of course, no one asked, so that one can go back in the ol' file cabinet in my brain.

Sometimes I fear that I will start singing the song playing on my iPod out loud.  And then everyone will know I paid $1.29 for "Grenade".

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Viva La Auto Text!

About sixth months ago or so, the IT department at my company started telling everyone that come the first quarter or 2011 all of the computers in the company would be upgraded to Office 2010.

Pretty good idea huh?  I mean, upgrading computer software is always a good idea.  (Note to self, run update check on Mac...)

Soon after the news of Office 2010 was announced a rumor started to spread through the office, slowly at first, but then gaining speed like a runaway freight train.

The rumor?  That as awesome as Office 2010 was touted to be, it wouldn't have the Auto Text feature.

(Insert tire screech sound effect here)

Excuse me?  But Auto Text happens to be the best most awesomest feature in the entire history of computers.  Screw the ability to order pizzas or perform surgery from your computer - nothing beats the ability to type only 3 words and have an entire 2 page letter magically appear on the screen.  It's a lazy employees best friend.

So last week the training schedule for Office 2010 came out and people went into sheer blood panic mode.  They started saving their auto text items and e-mailing them to their home accounts, lest the new software completely destroy all their hard work.  The rumors spread faster as the panic levels increased.  At my birthday lunch yesterday someone mentioned it and I was afraid people were going to abandon their tasty Olive Garden* and go running for the hills.

Later on yesterday, the first group of space monkeys went to Office 2010 training.  One of them came back after 2 hours, stopped right in my cubicle and said "Um, there's Auto Text in 2010".

(Insert tire screech sound effect here)

Huh?  What?  How could this be?  I specifically remember someone telling me that Office 2010 didn't have Auto Text.  Of course, I couldn't remember who told me, just that someone had.  Which is probably why my fellow coworkers and I spent the next 5 minutes all blaming each other for starting such a horrible rumor.

In the midst of this, the trainer walks by and we ask, our hearts full of hope, "Is it true?  Does Office 2010 have Auto Text?"

We waited for her answer with bated breath.

"Um, yeah, of course it does.  But it just isn't called Auto Text.  I think it's called Quick Parts or something like that."

So I guess whoever started the rumor wasn't entirely wrong, whoever that cruel soul was...

~ The Office Scribe

*  Random thought that I had while staring at the Olive Garden bag from my lunch.  Where are the olives?  Where are there grapes on their logo and not olives?  And also, as a person who just came back from Israel and saw A LOT of olive trees, the only time I saw them in a "garden" were in the Garden of Gethsamene, which leads me to believe that the fine folks at the Olive Garden believe their food to be Christ like. 

And you thought my manic thoughts only happened on Mondays...

Monday, February 7, 2011

Manic Monday - The Too Much To Recap Edition

Okay, so a lot has happened in my life since I last posted.  So much in fact that I can't possibly blog about it all, but since I love lists, I'll just randomly list all the things which happened.

- Snowpocolypse 2011

- Cheeseheads won Super Bowl

- Spent the night in a hotel with 25 fellow employees and it was awesome

- I turned a year older

- The country of Egypt decided to change things up

- I suffered from the worst jet lag EVER

- I read 12 books - and no, I am not kidding.  That damn Kindle is ruining my TV watching schedule

- I tried Walgreens beer

- Head cold from hell

- I'm being haunted by a Sing-A-Ma-Jig (Google at your own risk)

- Can't stop singing Cee Lo Green

I'm sure some other stuff happened, but I can't think back that far.  But I will try to get back on some kind of schedule instead of you know, not posting.


~ The Office Scribe