Monday, August 30, 2010

Manic Monday #34

Anyone out there into omens (not the movie) because I saw a dead bird when I walked into the office today and something tells me that isn't a good sign.  And then I think karma might really have it in for me because there was also a dead bird (or what was left after something ate it) on the walkway up to my apartment building when I got home.  Do I need to be worried?  Should I burn some sage or something? Sacrifice Justin Bieber?

Yeah, that's right.  I was wearing flip flops at work today even though they are non-legal footwear.  Why?  Was it because I am a badass?  Was it because it's my way of telling HR that I don't agree with their policies?  Was it because I don't give a flying F%!&?  Um, or was it because I forgot to pack black socks when I went to my moms place this weekend and didn't want to look like a nerd in white socks with black mary janes?  (Note: I am not a Hipster, which is why I couldn't pull that look off.)

People seemed really tired at work today.  Chances are I noticed because I was one of those who was really tired.  See, that's what happens when you share a bed with a dog who is a restless sleeper and have to drive 1.5 hours to get to work from your moms house. You sometimes are tired.

Why doesn't Lisa Frank make office supplies for the working world?  There are some days when I really could use a smiling kitten or a psychedelic dolphin to help me get through the day.

Hiccups - I. Hate. Them.  I am the type of person who doesn't get hiccups which go away.  When I get them, I have them on and off all day.  Which is not only annoying but kinda embarrassing when someone goes to ask you a questions and you answer with a mighty hiccup in their face.  If I did this to anyone I work with today, I am sorry....

There aren't any tried and true rules to decide when a new employee has been accepted into the fold.  Unless you work in my department and even though you are an adult, your mom sends in candy for the candy dish because she has heard about how popular it is.  If you can pull that off, consider yourself GOLDEN.

Found out today I have to up and move cubicles.  While I could share my feelings on that here, I think it is best saved for Wednesday, the day the move will happen.  Don't be sad - it will just give you something to look forward to...

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - A little shout out of love to the auto-save feature used by Blogger.  Without this feature, today's Manic Monday post wouldn't have been possible because I am not typing this shit more than once.

It's Messing With Me, Right?

Ahh, the Page-A-Day Calendar.  A time honored part of the Cubicle Monkey's arsenal.  Each and every December, countless hoards of office workers go to their nearest Barnes & Noble and pick out a Page-A-Day that they think won't bore them in 365 days.

In my few years of office work, I have had some hit and some misses.

Hit: Far Side

Miss: Procrastinators Calendar (far too wordy)

Hit: Trivia

Miss: 365 Jokes (Turns out, weren't very funny)

Sadly, I think I am in another miss year.  A co-worker bought me a Cupcake-A-Day Calendar for Christmas this year because of my penchant for baking.  I love it.  And I swore to myself I would never jump ahead.

The recipes started out for delicious cupcakes such as Chocolate Mud and Cinnamon Apple.  They made my mouth water everyday when I tore off the previous day.

But now, I think the authors may be running out of ideas.  Case in point: Peach and Tomato Muffins with Lime.


Oh dear lord.  That is not a happy flavor if I ever read about one.  I am sure it was just put in there to test the person who swore to make every flavor just to see if they had the balls to do it. Well, I am not that kind of person so I am going to refrain from making such a horrible concoction.

Unless my co-workers make me mad.  Then perhaps they will be my revenge cupcake and I will be the one doing the messing....

~ The Office Scribe

It's All About The Perks Baby

There are not many perks for those of use who work in an office.  Back in the days when I was a butcher, I used to get free lunch (meat) and a 20% discount on everything I bought (meat).  Nowadays the perks seem to be coffee - when someone remembers to make it - and the one time a year the office building buys all the tenants ice cream - which I missed this year.

That was, until we received an e-mail that made me as giddy as Stewie Griffin with a new cache of Plutonium.

Turns out, employees at my company can use the corporate discount at a major office supply chain for personal purchases.

That's right!

Cheap pens!  And notepads!  And hi-lighters!  And markers!  And, and, and staplers!


Sorry, I almost passed out there from all the excitement.  It's just, you guys know me.  I love office supplies more than Prince loves heeled shoes. More than Abe Lincoln loved tall hats.  More than vampire wannabes love body glitter.

I love them - a lot.

And now I can get them for less.


~ The Office Scribe

Note To All Readers

In addition to my usual Manic Monday post, you may see some other posts go up tonight.  Chances are you were like my mother and noticed I didn't post last week.  If you know me in person, chances are that you called me out on being a slacker.  In truth, I was only a partial slacker.  I wrote several posts last week, the old fashioned way (yay paper!) and didn't get a chance to transcribe them into my computer.... 

....until tonight.  

So enjoy the copious amounts of posting that happened this evening!

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 16, 2010

Manic Monday #33

It's always nice to come back after a 3 day weekend to comments like "You look like you got some sun".  It makes up for all the times I come back from a vacation to people asking, "Did you leave your apartment at all?"

I am a total pen snob and refuse to use the pens the company supplies us with, so I go out and I buy my own. My pen of choice right now is a TUL Retractable Gel Pen. It is amazing. I have never loved a pen as much as I love these (Note: TUL - Feel free to send me free ones.) But a tip for anyone who runs out to Office Max and picks some up - Don't forget to remove the small plastic nub from the tip. You will save yourself the frustration of trying to figure out why your new pen doesn't work and the feeling of stupidity when you realize why...

I don't care that every book club in America has read the book.  I don't care that it is an insanely popular movie. I don't care that it is making everyone want to travel the world. I will not read Eat. Pray. Love.  To me, it's the 42 year old housewife equivalent of Twilight

As I sit here and write this, I can't tell if that is a car alarm going off, a bird, or an alien invasion....

You know what I like about my job?  That no one is trying to kill me on a daily basis while I do it.  That's the number one reason I turned down that spy job with the CIA.  That and I shoot like a girl. (I blame a lack of video games while growing up. But I am oddly accurate with a bow. That I blame on Girl Scout camp.)

Tomorrow is my boss' birthday and I am bringing in Dark Chocolate Truffle Cupcakes. Yes, I am going to earn some major brownie cupcake points.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, August 9, 2010

Manic Monday - The Summer Party Edition

Last Saturday was my company's annual summer party.  This year it was held at the zoo. And it was pretty cool (except for the temperature which got really warm). Seriously, it started out really cool, so I wore jeans, which as the 2 PM sun hit us made me feel really warm.  Which is why we left.  Well, that and all the people who started to show up.  Come on?  What kind of crazy person goes to a zoo on a gorgeous Saturday?

My mom specifically wanted me to tell you about the baby Galapagos tortoises we saw.  Why?  Because they were adorable and will one day be the size of a coffee table. 


Yeah, cute as hell. And you can see they all have personalities already.

#1 Is the angry one. 
#2 Is the flirty one
#3 Is the shy one
#4 Is the funny one.

They are one shell shy of forming an all reptile boy band.  (Fun Fact: They won't be full grown for like 20 years.  These things are like humans - but with better ninja skills).

There is always something weird about seeing someone you work with everyday outside of the office.  I am 90% sure I walked past a dozen or so people and played the "do I work with them game". 

People were keen to introduce me to their family members and significant others at lunch, but I had a condition which prevented me from shaking their hands.  It's called double fisting - a Coke Zero in one hand and a Miller Lite in the other.  (Come on people, it was hot!  I was thirsty!)

Sadly, I did not win Employee of the Year (again).  I think this is just because I am so awesome that others would weep openly if they thought that is how high the bar was set.  (Or because I am too much of a handful...)

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, August 6, 2010

My Loss Is Your Gain

Ahh Fridays... There is, perhaps, no better day during the workweek than Fridays.  Cool places like where I work allow us to shed our corporate visage and dress down in jeans and t-shirts with funny sayings on them like "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel" or "Chicago Cubs".

Fridays also rule because I make it a point to stop and pick up an Iced Quad Venti Non Fat Latte from Starbucks.  I generally only allow myself a $4 cup of coffee on Fridays because it makes financial sense and makes the lattes that much more awesome.

So this morning, I got up, put on my casual Friday attire, and headed to my local Starbucks. (FYI - The great thing about where I live is that I am 5 minutes from 2 different Starbucks, one to the north and one to the south. Yay suburbs!)  And since I was feeling a little lazy, I decided to hit the drive thru.  There were about 4 cars in front of me, so I didn't think the wait would be that bad.

I. Was. Wrong.

The car that was at the window when I pulled up sat there for a solid 8 minutes.  From my position, stuck in the drive thru lane (once you are in you can't escape) it seemed that the person was having a lovely chat with the employee at the window.  My guess is that the conversation was about how they were feeling suicidal but too chicken to pull it off so they were attempting to piss off a bunch of caffeine junkies by delaying their receipt of coffee.

If that was their plan, I think it worked.  The cars in line started to get angry.  People were upset, raising their hands in disgust and hitting the horns.  The employee at the window looked back at the line in fear, attempting to get the car to leave.  But as I said, the car sat there for almost 8 minutes before finally pulling away.

Then things proceeded as normal.  The rest of the cars whipped through the line.  I am sure the baristas were working at hyper speed in order to placate the angry mob.

Which is probably why, when I took a sip of my frosty iced latte about 3 blocks after pulling , I realized they had put some sort of sugary syrup in there.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I hate sweetened coffee.  I like my lattes to be as close to the sludge that pumped into the gulf as humanly possible which is why I order it with watered down milk and 4 shots of espresso.  If I wanted it sugary and tasting like what I imagine fairy sweat to taste like, I would have ordered it that way.

So I got to the office, coffee in hand, walked inside and found one of my coworkers and asked "Do you like sugar in your coffee?"  And when she answered "yes" I gave the coffee to her and said "enjoy".  Then I walked into the lunch room and proceeded to pour myself a cup of the same stuff I drink every other day.


I learned a lot of things during this experience.
1) Don't be lazy and use the drive thru if the weather is nice
2) Try the coffee before leaving in order to make sure they got it right
3) Giving a free coffee to someone who wasn't expecting it makes them smile like they won the lottery

I guess it wasn't a complete loss.

Happy Friday everyone.

~ The Office Scribe

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bacon - or- How To End The Day On A High Note

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day. 

As it turns out, it is also the perfect way to end the day...

Ask A Vapid Blonde, I like bacon. The two of us discuss it quite often on Twitter. I don't eat it that often (because let's face it, bacon is not the best food to eat on a regular basis...) but I enjoy it a lot when I do. 

So after a long day at the office, where things have been very busy, I stepped outside and wouldn't you know it, the top deck of the parking structure smelled like heavenly bacon.  It was awesome.  For once it wasn't raining, the humidity had died down, and the air smelled of smoked pork products.

Of course this got me thinking, what other scents could the, um, scent gods(?) pump out into the atmosphere that would make me, and others, happy?

Fresh Cut Grass
I love the smell of fresh cut grass so much I still own a bottle of the perfume that Gap produced in the 90's aptly named, Grass. No one should be surprised if I end up marrying a gardner some day just because of that smell.

Deep Woods Off
Maybe it's having grown up in a woodsy area.  Or all the summers I spent at camp.  But hot damn I love the smell of Deep Woods Off.  

Safeguard Soap
I am a girl, which means I have more flowery scented body washes in my shower than necessary.  And I use them all, but when nothing compares the the beige bar of Safeguard soap I always keep in there too.  Chalk it up to the fact that it's the soap my dad used.

Black Sharpie Markers
I know a lot of people huff markers to get high, but I will sometimes take a light inhale because I love the smell.  Sure, it's probably killing off brain cells, but monkeys like vitamin pants...

Moonlit Walk Candles by Glade
They smell like a really good guys cologne. 

I don't really like to eat it, but I love the smell of it.  Favorite Popcorn Story: When I turned 16 my parents took me out to dinner.  When we came home, we walked in the house and I said "it smells like burnt popcorn in here".  My dad tried to convince me it was a gas leak.  I walked into the family room and as I turned on the light I declared "No, I know what gas smells like" which was followed by 10 of my friends popping out from behind furniture and shouting "SURPRISE!" 

Anyone else out there care to share their favorite smells?  And please, no gross stuff.  I know you don't like the smell of farts and are only saying that for the shock value.

~ The Office Scribe

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Epic Umbrella Fail

Dear Guy In The Silver Car,

Yeah, I am talking to you.  I know you saw me this morning, and I feel the need to explain what was happening.  As you probably noticed, it has been raining a lot lately.  We've had more rainfall this week than the annual precipitation of the Amazon.  So of course I was smart and decided to bring and umbrella with me to the office, in order to protect my clothes and hair from unnecessary dampness.

It is a common practice to start to open your umbrella as you exit your vehicle.  Those with smooth moves or who used to be ninjas can execute this in one flawless maneuver.  Well, since it was about 8:20 in the morning, I hadn't had my coffee and I wasn't raised by Mr. Miagi, my exit was a little less graceful.  The umbrella exploded out of my car and got stuck in the door, which is why I was struggling as I was.

And while I must have looked like a total spaz, I would like to point out that you didn't come to my rescue. You didn't play the part of the White Knight to my damsel.

Hmm, while I started out writing this as an apology for my actions this morning, I now realize you had a bigger fail than I did.

Shame sir, shame on you.  Next time come to the end of the un-caffeinated and lend a lady a hand.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Manic Monday #32

I totally had this all set to publish yesterday, but then the weather gods decided to rain down more, well rain, on the Chicagoland area and when there is lightning, I unplug my computer so it doesn't fry in a power surge. But Office Scribe, don't you have a Mac Powerbook?  Yes, I in fact do, but since the battery doesn't hold a charge for longer than 5 minutes my laptop is actually more like a portable desktop.  But I am taking donations for a new computer if anyone is interested...

I got on the elevator yesterday, because I was feeling lazy, and the guy getting off the elevator had hazelnut coffee.  How did I know?  Because the entire car smelled liked a jar of Nutella.  Which of course, I didn't complain about.  But it got me thinking about dudes drinking coffee with flavors in them and if they ever question their masculinity while sipping them...

I took off an extra half hour to run an errand around noon yesterday and realized that school needs to start ASAP.  My errands, which should have been brief, took twice as long because of all the teens out driving around for no reason and the moms hauling their kids to their activities.  The older I get the the more I become a fan of year round schooling.

My mom brought me some plantain chips on Sunday, so I brought them to work yesterday to munch on.  For those of you who have never had a plantain chip, I suggest you hit up your nearest ethnic grocer and find some, because they are delicious.  And no, they are not like a banana chip.  I don't like those but I could live on plantain chips.

Like most offices, mine has a drop ceiling with those fin white tiles with that pencils stick in so well (not like I am flinging pencils at the ceiling, I gave that up in college).  But I noticed a large brown stain on one of them in another department and I can't tell if someone on the floor above spilled a large amount of coffee or if someone in my office threw a large amount in anger.

Speaking of spilled coffee, when I left yesterday I noticed in the stairwell a large splash of coffee up against the wall on the floor below us.  Perhaps people are flinging coffee in anger.  It's the newest wave in "office rage".  I just hope these angry individuals are smart enough to use the cheap stuff in the pots here and not a pricey latte.

~ The Office Scribe